healthyagain

Ok, I defined that my greatest issue now is a total lack of patience. I'm on the verge. I have fire ants in my shoes, it seems. Maybe my adrenal glands went crazy. I want to get everything done asap. I calculated that it would take me several months to apply for divorce/save money and move out. I keep telling myself that if I could handle years, I can handle a few more months.

So, how do you handle this final time? He is in-between starting another honeymoon and pulling my nerves apart. And it is so frigging immature (like I take the dog out to poop, and he keeps waving on the balcony, so the dog keeps looking up and takes much longer to do his business. Seriously, who does that? And then he gets mad when I tell him that we would be back much faster if he just did not tease).

I know how everything works, I can read him like a book. He IS NOT oblivious. He is just incredibly passive aggressive.

So the question is, what did you do to take your mind off your A spouse and focus on your goal in the final months/days? Any relaxation tips? Fun activities?

LexieCat

I spent the time planning, planning, planning. I made to-do lists and lists of documents I would take, other personal things I would take, looking at finances, running down various what-if scenarios, etc.

I honestly didn't relax till I checked into my shabby room at the Motel 8 where I holed up for three days to get my sh*t together (my mental sh*t), then stayed at my brother's house for a week till I found an apartment. And then I had to arrange for movers to come get the rest of the stuff out of the house I was renting. I also had to find a storage place to store stuff that wouldn't fit in the apartment (we had rented a big house, and ALL the stuff in it was mine before marriage, other than a couple pieces of furniture and a washer and dryer).

I moved out in two phases--a few days before, I dropped off at an Al-Anon friend's house 4-5 boxes of the stuff I'd have been heartbroken to lose. The rest I got later, after I'd found a place to live. We had only been married for several months, so it was less complicated than it might have been.

healthyagain

I'm wondering if I should start another honeymoon, a fake one. Just to pretend and get him off my back while I'm working on my exit. Unfortunately, I do not know anyone who could help with the move in any way, but I do not have much stuff to take, and everything can be moved while he is at work.

LexieCat

I wouldn't advise playing games. Just be very busy. If he asks questions, just answer pleasantly. If he brings up stupid stuff like rock concerts, just tell him you'll let him know. If he insists he NEEDS to know whether to buy tickets, just tell him if he really wants to go, buy them (he can sell the extra on StubHub or invite someone else to go).

Honestly, just behave the way you would if you were detaching. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed, but that's your call. You can just say you are not feeling that affectionate toward him right now and so you're sleeping on the sofa (or wherever).

maia1234

I was very busy before my divorce/move. I was purging and packing my stuff, putting it in storage. Calling all the financial people and utility companies. Working on mediation forms to make sure everything was ok with the divorce. Setting up court date for divorce. XAH did nothing, so if it was going to get done, guess who had to do it.

There is so many things to do prior to a divorce and move. Google what you need to do and can do early. Prepare so you won't be surprised.

healthyagain

That's a good piece of advice, Lexi. Thanks. No games. I am super busy because of my work, so I could use that as an excuse.

We have not slept in the same bed for 6 months at least.

I was asking because whatever I do or say can possibly trigger an eruption. Walking on the egg shells is my everyday activity. I do want to avoid conflicts.

LexieCat

I gather there's no physical violence, though, right? Just ranting and obnoxious behavior and verbal abuse?

Just tune it out. It takes two to have "conflict." You can leave the room, get in the car and visit a friend or the local coffee shop. If he tries to make you respond, just say, "I'm not fighting with you."

If it gets too bad/mean/verbally abusive, to the point where he won't let you sleep or something, or it is causing you emotional distress, go down to the family court and get a protective order. He will have to leave the house and have no contact with you.

healthyagain

Thanks God, no physical abuse. Ranting, cussing, door banging, sometimes throwing food and smashing food in the fridge, and name-calling starts if i respond. I used to go for a ride, and after half an hour, he would be sleeping.

What is bad about my situation is that he knows the landlady and works for the company that owns this apartment complex. He used to work here. I sometimes think that noone would ever believe me. Once he even said that he is going to tell her to "kick my ass out."

It is not only alcoholism. It is very toxic, and there is abuse, subtle control.

LexieCat

It usually isn't that hard to convince a judge you need a protective order. Unlike a criminal case, where you have to convince a jury beyond a reasonable doubt, the judge only has to believe you a scintilla more than he or she does him.

I don't know what state you live in (I was thinking Illinois but that's where maia lives), but in most states you can get a protective order based on harassment. I'd suggest you call your local shelter and ask what's involved in getting an order. It doesn't hurt to know--you can tell them the whole story and they can give you some terrific assistance. Just in case.

healthyagain

So, what he does can be classified as harassment under the law? (Sorry to sound ignorant, but once I said I would call the police for this, and he said that they would take me away. And I know it is BS, but anyway. I moved here 6 years ago, do not know much terminology and your legal system.)

LexieCat

It depends where you live how "harassment" is defined and also whether harassment can be a basis for a protective order. That's why I suggested talking to an advocate at the shelter. They will know the law where you live and will be able to tell you whether his acts would qualify as a basis for a protective order.

The police likely wouldn't arrest him and "take him away" but if you get an order, he has to leave, and if he refuses or returns then he can definitely be arrested. Talk to an advocate about how it works there. Where I live, the police have to call a judge (even in the middle of the night) and if the order is entered, it could be served immediately.

Florence

I got really busy: cleaning, planning, meeting new people, learning new stuff, reading, crafting, early bedtimes. I basically set a ME agenda and did stuff for ME, which kept my mind off of him and his hijinks.

ShootingStar1

Maybe think of now as the beginning of the rest of your life, except for where you are living.

Begin to do whatever it is that you want to do when you are on your own - - your freedom isn't harnessed to where you live or who you live with.

Good luck!

ShootingStar1

healthyagain

Thanks Lexie! From what I see (I do not want to reveal where I am now), we have protection from abuse orders and protection from stalking orders.

And see what it says about abuse:

"Abuse" means any of these acts when done by an "intimate partner or household member":

Causing or trying to cause bodily injury;
Threatening bodily injury; or
Engaging in any sexual acts with a minor under 16 years of age who is not the spouse of the offender.*

This was copied from our statute. So now I am sure that he was baiting me into hitting him last Sunday. It says nothing about yelling and insults.

I will try to arm myself with knowledge. I downloaded a 101 Divorce document from that non-profit organization and started collecting required documents. And today I am signing papers for a new debit card that is interest bearing, so I could save some money too.

hopeful4

Well...I stayed very very busy. This was not hard, my kids are super active. I spent a lot of time out of town visiting my sister. For me it was important not to be hateful. It could have been quite easy to walk around miserable all the time. I refused to give up my life like that. So, if he was being enjoyable to be around, we all hung out as a family. That did not happen much, but it did happen. I felt I had a choice. Be miserable and isolate, or keep myself busy and happy. It was not always easy, but I did it.

Each of these steps you are taking will make you feel more in control, which will give you some peace of mind. Open a PO Box for the documents you don't want him to see in the mail if that is an issue.

Hugs to you. XXX

Hangnbyathread

I didn't divorce an AC but planning a divorce is the same for the most part. Open accounts in your name only. Do not share cell phone accounts. If you are currently in a shared plan, plan to open a new account while you still have this one. Then port your number over when you leave. In the meantime, use a Pre-Paid cellphone until you leave.

If you can stash money away in your sole account, do so. Quietly have some ability to re-start quickly.

When you know you have everything ready, when you leave, take all you plan on keeping, because anything you leave, you will likely never see again.

Any account that is joint, is a much yours as his. If there is money in a joint account, it is yours. How much you decide to take is up to you. The courts will decide in the end how that money gets credited. While others may not agree, I tend to be aggressive in how I view that. I'd take a majority, but don't leave him with nothing to pay the immediate bills. The courts will frown on you trying to purposely place him financial destitution to scorn him. You take what you take, and be prepared to argue why you took it. If you are unemployed, you need that money as he would not have voluntarily offered it. Etc Etc.

Any vehicles you take, you are responsible for the debt that goes with it. If there is 2 cars that are jointly owned, it would be reasonable to expect that if you are using it, you are responsible for paying for it. If there is one car, you are as much entitled to it as he is. Take it, and let the courts figure it out later. DO NOT SELL anything that is a titled asset. Cars, boats vehicles of any titled sort. The courts will decide what is marital and what is not, but if its gone, they may decide it was will fill dissipation of assets.

DO NOT strike him or threaten him!

Will the above upset him? YEP. But it will also gets his FULL ATTENTION, and he will want to start proceedings as quickly as possible.

And when you file, you file to seek temporary financial relief, alimony, child support, throw in the whole kitchen sink they allow for. You may not get any of it, but it gets his attention as he will not want to fund you for the rest of his life. They may issue you a temporary financial assistance. Which can then drag out for months and months until it goes to final settlement. You want to plan this to get solved as quickly as possible. It is an expensive and draining process. The longer it last, the more money it cost.

What you have going for you is being the partner to a alcoholic. If there is documented drinking issues, both in action and in treatment, the courts recognize that this is often a source of potential instability and will side easier with your cause.

freetosmile

Coming from an experienced background with verbal abuse, I can tell you the best thing I could do was lay low. Be quiet, be neat, be "normal". But be busy in your brain. Journal, make lists, make reminders to yourself WHY you're doing what you're doing (in case you lose heart).

Just don't make waves, that's for sure. When you deal with abuse, it's best to lay low. I know that for sure and it sounds like you do too.

healthyagain

I figured that being to introverted and thinking of how you feel actually takes a lot of time.

And there are so many things to do!

But it is good to know how to behave and how to respond because baiting is baiting, and I do not feel like stepping on a landmine this weekend. Or ever again.

NYCDoglvr

Lots of Alanon meetings. Helped me keep the focus on my own issues (hey, I picked him!) and move on.