LexieCat

I can only think of two or three times posts about alcoholics here on F & F ever got under my skin (and two of them were Hammer's, so consider the source). (LOL, if you're reading, Hammer, love ya!). There was one person, who I don't believe posts anymore, who went WAY over the top in terms of basically opining all of us alcoholics should stop breathing the same air as real human beings (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly). Most of the time I totally GET the anger and sheer frustration, and don't take it personally.

But hey, I'm a lawyer, I'm used to a certain level of loathing.

Needabreak

Bingo! I think you're absolutely right. And that fixation on the alcoholic is the essence of codependence. Most normal non-addictive people would figure out that a relationship with an alcoholic wasn't right for them early in the game, and would gently move on. And they wouldn't be hanging around these boards trying to pick up the pieces, either.

But the codependent...well, we want to "help" you. We convince ourselves that we can "change" you. And when you don't change, all hell breaks loose! What we're really doing though is fixating on something outside of us, usually to avoid our own inner pain.

It took me a long time to see how dysfunctional my own thinking was in my relationship with my ex, and how I was responsible for setting myself up to suffer. It took me even longer to be able to detach without feeling guilty about it.

But I see the ability to do so now, to not get caught up in other people's problems, as the best part of my own recovery.

Carlotta

In my case, I call it (that's for me only) "getting drunk by proxy".
There has been time with my X and with my old friend too when if a passerby had been asked:
Who is the drunk and who is the sober rational person?
The passerby would probably have pointed at me and said:
That one is drunk
Shoot, I have (over my lifetime) obsessed about someone else's drinking and using far more often and more intensely than over my own even though I am an alcoholic.

AliWProk

As long as you all still post in F&F I'd love for you to have a sub-forum. I really appreciate the RAs perspectives. Lexis, Hawkeye, Amy, your insight has been invaluable, and I am grateful for your support. Sounds like a sub-forum is needed.

Needabreak

"Getting drunk by proxy" -- I like that.....

Rosalba

I'm not going to vote, because I'm not qualified to do so. However, I really do appreciate the recovering alcoholics posting on the F & F forum, and I'd miss them if they went. I've often felt profoundly moved by their warmth and compassion - and they ARE a reminder of what a miracle recovery is.

dandylion

Personally, I also very much value the perspectives from recovering alcoholics.

When I am in the fog of my own pain....thrown off course....the RA's words can serve as a lighthouse beam to help me get back on course.

I don't want you all to go away.....

dandylion

Carlotta

I know I d still post on the regular f&f board but I also don't have the challenges I had as a haby double winner.
I remember being new and dealing with my drunken XBF and fighting the urge to take a slug of his rum.

53500

Lol! That's very funny.

I hope no one goes away. This forum is so meaningful to me and I haven't been directly involved with an A for a long time. The perspective of the RA's is absolutely invaluable.

amy55

I don't think it is so much that the RA's will be pulling out of here. I know, I won't. In a way, I feel like I was adopted here. My first loyalty will always be f & f.

I think it's more for people who feel uncomfortable coming here. I think you can understand that. Us A's aren't really looked at kindly here, and that came out wrong, but there are plenty of threads that can make it feel that way to an "A" or "RA".

I am an "RA" and initially I didn't want another sub forum. I can now see where this would be a good thing for others that are newer in recovery. We don't want to keep hearing look at yourself first. We don't want to hear all of the myths about alcoholics. We aren't all thieves and cheaters, or abusive.

The reason I think this forum would be good is because you, I, they, or whatever, wouldn't have to prove themselves to be accepted.

I do feel accepted here, but what can I say, some may not, especially newcomers.

I really do think that the RA's that come here will continue coming here. We made friends, we feel part of the family.

I also feel that a new sub forum like this, would be a gateway to F&F.

JMHO

amy

(((((((((((tight hugs)))))))))))

Jeni26

This would be really really helpful to me right now. I'm sober but living with a drinker. I'm hesitant to label him an alcoholic but he most probably is.

I would love a place to go where others really understood. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be moaning because I am an alcoholic too whether I'm drinking or not.

readerbaby71

I would definitely post on both boards. There is so much insight and much-needed humor here!

Carlotta

It seems that almost 75% of the respondents are in favor of a sub forum and this post was put in the F&F section not on the other side where many more (I can think of 5 fairly new people at the top of my head) who could qualify never post on the F&F side.
I hope the moderation team (and the owners too??) will consider it.
I understand that the mod team is sometimes stretched thin but Amy is already a mod and a double winner too with some good recovery going >hint hint<

Impurrfect

Thanks Carlotta I have thought about all this and I also would post in both areas if this does become a sub forum. F&F will always be a home to me, but reading the posts here have made me think about things that come up that, probably, only another double winner would understand.

It's past my bedtime (sorry, but 5:45 comes early) but I will mention it to the powers that be. Though I like the idea, I don't have, nearly, the responsibility that other mods here have and I wouldn't stretch anyone thin.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

brynn

Thanks Carlotta! I've never posted over here (I guess my own guilt keeps me from it) but I read on the F&F forums constantly as I am newly sober (four months) but live with a very active alcoholic (whose putting me through heck with his legal troubles and shenanigans) and I'm trying to navigate this new world!
Regardless of whether a sub forum is added, I've learned a lot from reading over here and will continue to do so.

Carlotta

I understand Brynn . I joined Al Anon in 2001 when I was newly sober. I did not know about soberrecovery back then. I was a real mess but I did not think it was for people like me since I was an alcoholic.

I was very lucky that the wife of a friend in recovery himself told me that it was for people like me too and that the ladies there told me to keep coming back even though my only contribution to the meeting was to say my name and go through their box of Kleenex. I m surprised I did not flood the church LOL

If not for that person, I would not have gotten the nerves to go. Shortly after that first meeting, I found a double winner meeting and that really got me started. Finally people who understood both sides!!!

Verte

Hi Carlotta and friends,

When your poll went up I responded "I don't know" and I have been thinking about this ever since. And when I do I find that I have so many questions to ask. That I want more than anything to not feel so alone in this journey. SR is a lifeline for me and I feel that I am cannot afford to draw anyone's ire. Or maybe it is that I do not feel sufficiently emotionally resilient despite the anonymous nature of the interactions. My therapist and I are working hard but I have a long way to go.

My vote is "yes, please!!" - double exclamation points for a double winners sub forum. Thank you for this suggestion Carlotta.

Carlotta

Even if we don't get a sub forum, at least now you have a list of others like you on SR you can reach out to. You are not alone.

Seren

Good morning, all!

Carlotta, I’m really sorry if you have not felt welcome here on the F&F side of the forums. I have always appreciated the input of members who have struggled with “both sides”. A few of our moderators and greeters are double winners, even triple winners.

I hope you have not been offended by some F&F members who arrive at SR with enormous fear, pain, and anger. I have seen these new members post in anger over how they have been treated by the active alcoholic or addict in their lives. I have also seen them lash out at recovering alcoholics who have posted on their threads, and I have gently pointed out to them that some of the other posts that they appreciated so much also came from ‘double winners’—and they were not aware of that fact.

Addiction affects so many parts of the family. If someone struggles with addiction, it seems likely that somewhere, someone in the family struggles in the same way. There are ‘triple winners’ here as well as ‘double winners’. I do not struggle with addiction, but it runs through my maternal line like a thread woven through the generations. Does this make me a double or triple winner, too?

Double winners and triple winners could be defined in a variety of ways, as well.

Recovering addict with recovering or active addict partner.
Recovering addict with recovering or active addict parent(s).
Recovering addict with recovering or active addict partner and parent(s).
Recovering addict with recovering or active addict partner and child(ren).
Recovering addict with recovering or active addict sibling(s).
Recovering addict with recovering or active addict friend(s).

With addiction, the possibilities are endless. So, too, could be the number of sub-forums--including DOC-specific sub-forums (alcohol, drugs, both). Ultimately, the decision to add another sub-forum rests with the Administrators. Several other new sub-forums have been created recently, and we usually like to see how those progress before anything else is added to the main forum board. So it is not likely that a Double Winners sub-forum will be added at this time. That does not mean it won't be considered in the future.

Carlotta, you began a support thread some time ago for double winners in the FFA forum. Perhaps use that thread as a "daily support thread" or start a new one in one of the F&F forums or in the Social Group forum. If the Administrators see that the thread will be supported, with active participation by many members, then an entire sub-forum would be considered viable.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html

Happy Thursday, everyone!

NYCDoglvr

I agree .... it's a process. I heavily edit my comments so I don't inadvertently upset someone else.