Don't ask if you don't want to know
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Don't ask if you don't want to know
I lost it last night. It all started with a simple question:"What's the matter?" I guess I forgot my translator because I thought he might really want to know what was the matter. Of course I forgot that if it had to do with him or us, or any different idea that I may have than him, he would take it as an attack. Which is exactly what happened. I explained how I felt detached and not close because he was so out of it lately.
Wrong answer. Instead of discussing the issue, he decided to tell me all the things I have done to hurt him in the past. He also decided to throw in some false accusations from recently just to make sure that it didn't look like he was dredging the past for long gone sins. It was a low blow, and I reacted.
If he was going to hurt me, I was going to get my punches in too. The mudslinging was as ugly as two politicians going for the throat. It only took a little while for me to realize that this was only making things worse. I stopped and told him this was not going anywhere and that we needed to call a truce. We went to bed late.
We got up this morning and got our coffee. We didn't say much for a while. Right before he left, he decided to get a jab in then leave. And the winner is....nobody.
I called my sponsor, who talked me down off the emotional ledge. She helped me get my thoughts and emotions back in perspective. Thank God for that lady. I told her every bit of Al-Anon I had flew out the window last night. She just laughed and told me I only felt that way.
Later, he called from work to appologize about the jab this morning. I told him that we both said things that hurt each other last night, and we just needed to calm down and let the hurt heal. I can forgive. I can move on from here. But there are some things I have learned: I have a right to my feelings; Just because someone asks doesn't mean they want to know; I have faults and I've done things wrong in the past, but feeling guilty over and over again for it is a waste of time; I am going to make mistakes and do things wrong and I will never be perfect, but I am not the sum of only my bad things; I am as good as I am flawed. That is what makes me me. There are people in my life that I can talk to and there are people in my life that I can't.
All these things are hard learned and cherished lessons. If it was easy to learn, I don't think I would be as strong or as grateful for what I have. In the middle of pain and fear, I seek God more than any other time. I used to think that was bad, but I don't think so anymore. It gives a purpose to struggle.
And so the journey continues. Just needed to get all this out. It was a rough night and a hard morning, but it looks like it's going to be an ok afternoon. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through my rough spots. Hugs, Magic
Wrong answer. Instead of discussing the issue, he decided to tell me all the things I have done to hurt him in the past. He also decided to throw in some false accusations from recently just to make sure that it didn't look like he was dredging the past for long gone sins. It was a low blow, and I reacted.
If he was going to hurt me, I was going to get my punches in too. The mudslinging was as ugly as two politicians going for the throat. It only took a little while for me to realize that this was only making things worse. I stopped and told him this was not going anywhere and that we needed to call a truce. We went to bed late.
We got up this morning and got our coffee. We didn't say much for a while. Right before he left, he decided to get a jab in then leave. And the winner is....nobody.
I called my sponsor, who talked me down off the emotional ledge. She helped me get my thoughts and emotions back in perspective. Thank God for that lady. I told her every bit of Al-Anon I had flew out the window last night. She just laughed and told me I only felt that way.
Later, he called from work to appologize about the jab this morning. I told him that we both said things that hurt each other last night, and we just needed to calm down and let the hurt heal. I can forgive. I can move on from here. But there are some things I have learned: I have a right to my feelings; Just because someone asks doesn't mean they want to know; I have faults and I've done things wrong in the past, but feeling guilty over and over again for it is a waste of time; I am going to make mistakes and do things wrong and I will never be perfect, but I am not the sum of only my bad things; I am as good as I am flawed. That is what makes me me. There are people in my life that I can talk to and there are people in my life that I can't.
All these things are hard learned and cherished lessons. If it was easy to learn, I don't think I would be as strong or as grateful for what I have. In the middle of pain and fear, I seek God more than any other time. I used to think that was bad, but I don't think so anymore. It gives a purpose to struggle.
And so the journey continues. Just needed to get all this out. It was a rough night and a hard morning, but it looks like it's going to be an ok afternoon. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through my rough spots. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Magic,
Spicoli and I had many, many a night like you described. And most of them started with him saying "What's the matter?"
And man, the two of us could take off the gloves and fight.
"Just because someone asks, doesn't mean they want to know" is classic. And it was very true in my situation. He never wanted to know what the matter was because it was always about something he had done.
And Magic, you are SO not the sum of only your bad things.
We're all human.
We all lose it from time to time.
Then we find it again and move on.
When I grow up, I want to be as graceful as you are my friend.
Hugs,
Gabe
Spicoli and I had many, many a night like you described. And most of them started with him saying "What's the matter?"
And man, the two of us could take off the gloves and fight.
"Just because someone asks, doesn't mean they want to know" is classic. And it was very true in my situation. He never wanted to know what the matter was because it was always about something he had done.
And Magic, you are SO not the sum of only your bad things.
We're all human.
We all lose it from time to time.
Then we find it again and move on.
When I grow up, I want to be as graceful as you are my friend.
Hugs,
Gabe
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Originally Posted by Magichappens
Instead of discussing the issue, he decided to tell me all the things I have done to hurt him in the past. He also decided to throw in some false accusations from recently just to make sure that it didn't look like he was dredging the past for long gone sins.
Oops, my bad...
I surely can't blame you for reacting the way you did. Good for you for calling your sponsor. I'm glad your day is turning out ok.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
(((((((((((Magic)))))))))))))))
I just hate it when I think I've got it down, check it off my list, move on and then.........it comes back and bites me in the butt again when I least expect it. At least now I know what's biting me and I can swat it off.
However, I think that I believe (that's a real strong statement - huh?) that I keep getting bit because I haven't learned the whole lesson yet. Sometimes I think that I have but later realize that there is even more that I never understood.
I am so glad that you posted this thread. I am so glad that even the most serene people on this board still struggle from time to time. It makes me feel not alone.
We'll get there, Magic. You are an amazing woman. I'm proud to have you as a friend.
Hugs - L
PS - Even in the magical, fairytale land of non-addicted couples, there are fights, mean things are said and they feel bad the next day. Nobody's perfect.
I just hate it when I think I've got it down, check it off my list, move on and then.........it comes back and bites me in the butt again when I least expect it. At least now I know what's biting me and I can swat it off.
However, I think that I believe (that's a real strong statement - huh?) that I keep getting bit because I haven't learned the whole lesson yet. Sometimes I think that I have but later realize that there is even more that I never understood.
I am so glad that you posted this thread. I am so glad that even the most serene people on this board still struggle from time to time. It makes me feel not alone.
We'll get there, Magic. You are an amazing woman. I'm proud to have you as a friend.
Hugs - L
PS - Even in the magical, fairytale land of non-addicted couples, there are fights, mean things are said and they feel bad the next day. Nobody's perfect.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
magic - this is life and we sometimes, all of us, revert back to old behaviors, but this doesn't sound like something that happens to you that often and i am striving to reach a higher level as you seem to have achieved.
that's why so many have some to these boards and stayed - because we are all REAL here - this isn't somewhere over the rainbow.
you are awesome and have helped so many, including myself.
hugs - cwohio
that's why so many have some to these boards and stayed - because we are all REAL here - this isn't somewhere over the rainbow.
you are awesome and have helped so many, including myself.
hugs - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
(((Magic)))) I hate falling off the wagon too. Esp hate getting my buttons pushed, knowing they know what sets me off and reacting to it, just as they planned. I always feel bad after, like I've jumped a mile backwards on my recovery road, but I think on it, acknowledge it, dust myself off and get back on. So your human eh?? I am too, and we're allowed to mess up and clean up. Hang in there gf, keep the faith, we love ya! Teggie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
Magichappens, You are amazing. You have helped so many people..including me. I read all your posts. They mean a great deal to me.
We are all human. I have done my fair share of wrong things in the past..who hasn't? Just remember we are all here for you. Without you this would be a very dull place. Hang in there.
Just remember one step forward...two steps backward. Or is it two steps forward...one step back. Which ever way..there is a lesson in there somewhere.
We are all human. I have done my fair share of wrong things in the past..who hasn't? Just remember we are all here for you. Without you this would be a very dull place. Hang in there.
Just remember one step forward...two steps backward. Or is it two steps forward...one step back. Which ever way..there is a lesson in there somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Oh Magic.....what is it about them living in the PAST?????
When a new event takes place they have to refer to something that has nothing to do with the present situation and then start talking about the past again. So glad we all have this happen. Well I am Not glad but it helps me to make sense of it all.
Here's to a better day,
matters
When a new event takes place they have to refer to something that has nothing to do with the present situation and then start talking about the past again. So glad we all have this happen. Well I am Not glad but it helps me to make sense of it all.
Here's to a better day,
matters
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Thanks evreryone. You mean the world to me. You give me the strength and courage to keep on keepin on. Life is tough but still wonderful. I never thought that I could feel ok in the middle of life's storm, but that is what Al-Anon and SR have given me. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Magic!
I didn't get to give you that hug yet! And tell you, as everyone else here has, how wonderful you are and how much all your kind words have meant to me. I really can't think of anything to say right now that would make it all better, so I'll just say I'm thinking about you and I know you will make it through this day.
Big hugs!
Marci
I didn't get to give you that hug yet! And tell you, as everyone else here has, how wonderful you are and how much all your kind words have meant to me. I really can't think of anything to say right now that would make it all better, so I'll just say I'm thinking about you and I know you will make it through this day.
Big hugs!
Marci
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