Serenity
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Serenity
I don't think serenity is a constant state of mind, but that, with stubborn recovery work, we can find it here and there in little pockets in life.
I think a lot of m1k3 and his very Buddhist attitude to life, and in my moments of serenity, that's sort of where I land.
Let me explain:
When I was married to an A, I fought reality 24/7. I didn't want him to be an alcoholic; I didn't want to be the woman who married an alcoholic; I didn't want my children to have an alcoholic father; I didn't want to be an abused woman. I wanted it all to go away. I fought the reality I was living. "I don't like that answer; give me another one."
What I've found, some years out from my divorce and some more years out from starting Al-Anon, is that radical acceptance really helps my outlook on life and makes those little pockets of serenity bigger.
I did marry an alcoholic and have children with him and let him abuse us. That's a fact. Accepting that fact doesn't change anything in the physical world -- but it changes my attitude, my feelings about things.
Problems aren't a sign that I'm deficient in any way. Problems are a part of life. You can fight them, deny they exist, or you can accept them and work as best you can to solve them.
To me, the idea of radical acceptance -- or, to put it plainly, "it is what it is" -- has been incredibly helpful. I have kids who struggle with their lives. I can wallow in guilt about contributing to that situation by staying with their A father; I can beat myself up over not leaving earlier; I can feel sorry for myself for being in this situation. None of that helps.
I can, however, choose to accept that this is the case: The money I could have spent on buying a home will go to doctors and therapists. The time I could have spent going on vacation will be spent living in another state while my kid is in treatment. I can rail and fight against the situation I'm in -- or I can accept it. Accepting it, and determining what to do about it, and then doing it, step by step, one day at a time, is a lot more energy-efficient than being angry and feeling picked on by the universe.
That's just my thought for today.
I think a lot of m1k3 and his very Buddhist attitude to life, and in my moments of serenity, that's sort of where I land.
Let me explain:
When I was married to an A, I fought reality 24/7. I didn't want him to be an alcoholic; I didn't want to be the woman who married an alcoholic; I didn't want my children to have an alcoholic father; I didn't want to be an abused woman. I wanted it all to go away. I fought the reality I was living. "I don't like that answer; give me another one."
What I've found, some years out from my divorce and some more years out from starting Al-Anon, is that radical acceptance really helps my outlook on life and makes those little pockets of serenity bigger.
I did marry an alcoholic and have children with him and let him abuse us. That's a fact. Accepting that fact doesn't change anything in the physical world -- but it changes my attitude, my feelings about things.
Problems aren't a sign that I'm deficient in any way. Problems are a part of life. You can fight them, deny they exist, or you can accept them and work as best you can to solve them.
To me, the idea of radical acceptance -- or, to put it plainly, "it is what it is" -- has been incredibly helpful. I have kids who struggle with their lives. I can wallow in guilt about contributing to that situation by staying with their A father; I can beat myself up over not leaving earlier; I can feel sorry for myself for being in this situation. None of that helps.
I can, however, choose to accept that this is the case: The money I could have spent on buying a home will go to doctors and therapists. The time I could have spent going on vacation will be spent living in another state while my kid is in treatment. I can rail and fight against the situation I'm in -- or I can accept it. Accepting it, and determining what to do about it, and then doing it, step by step, one day at a time, is a lot more energy-efficient than being angry and feeling picked on by the universe.
That's just my thought for today.
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