Knitter

Hello all.
I joined this forum three years ago when I learned my then, 27 year-old son was an alcoholic. I've learned so much from so many here.

My son went to treatment and was sober for 2 1/2 years. He began drinking again last Thanksgiving and is back in treatment. I feel as if I should feel joyful because this treatment center will focus on both his mental illness (depression) and alcohol dependency, something the previous treatment center was not set up to do. But I'm not hopeful. I can't explain why exactly. Maybe it's because my son doesn't believe in God and resists AA. Maybe it's because I know his journey to good mental well being will be a long one. Maybe because it doesn't appear as if the treatment center is all it was billed as-the therapy seems pretty lean. I'm not sure for the reason I'm sad. I just am.

Thank you for reading.

CodeJob

Oh Knitter, I am sad too. 2.5 Y is a good solid run of sobriety.

lillamy

I'm sorry, Knitter. As the parent of a kid with mental illness, I know how hard it is to hope and lose hope and hope again.

I do like that they focus both on alcoholism and comorbidities, though. Knowing how depression and alcoholism can fuel each other, that is a good thing... even if they're not attacking it to the extent you were hoping.

Either way -- I'm glad you're here, but sorry you have to be here again. I do hope your son takes this opportunity to get sober again.

happybeingme

Hi knitter. I am a duel diagnosis as well. Depression and alcoholism. Please don't stress over your son's resistance to AA. I didn't use it. In the beginning the thought of doing a personal inventory terrified me. I had just stopped hating myself. I felt too mentally fragile at the time. However, I did find online support, went on medication, and read a book called

Learned Optimism, by Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD. He is a founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. His explanation of his research and the CBT he developed were a big help.

Please don't lose hope. Your son can get better. I am living proof. Approaching four years now.

totfit

Two and a half years sobriety at his age is a great deal and relapse is not unfortunately uncommon, but more common than not. He really is way ahead of the game for his age. I know relapse is disheartening, but I imagine more so for him. It is irrelevant whether he believes in God or wants to do AA. All he needs is self-honesty and a real desire not to drink. I think there is a lot to be hopeful about.

transformyself

I will echo the encouragement here. Folks relapse. It's part of recovery. Just be kind to yourself, and him, and have faith. I'm glad you're here.

Knitter

Thank you all so much for taking time to post. Happybeingme, I have ordered the book you suggested. I will try to have hope although yesterday's visit with my son was very hard. He told his dad (my husband) that he has no reason to live. This, unfortunately, not a new refrain. He is not suicidal. I asked. He feels as if he isn't getting any help for his depression. I alternate between wanting to call the Director of the Rehab facility and doing nothing. I told my son I can't visit him if all he does is tell me how awful everything in his life is. This may sound awful to many of you but I feel as if his comments are manipulative. I believe he is angry with me and his dad for not tackling his depression when he was younger. Believe me, we tried. I love my son and want nothing more than for him to be happy and healthy but I just can't be his therapist. I'm rambling. I am praying and trying to have hope and faith. Thank you again everyone. Your ESH helps me a great deal.

dandylion

Knitter......I once had a psychologist....who had worked several years as a social worker in the foster care system, previously....and he was a recovering alcoholic, himself---He said: "I have never seen anyone reach recovery while living in their parent's basement.

Since that time...I have observed this to be true....

I must say...your son sounds like he is manipulative of you....and, is blaming you for a lot....

dandylion

redatlanta

My husband is also dual diagnosis and is successfully treated (bi polar). Hopefully they will get his meds adjusted well which I think is the biggest obstacle. Finding the right mix is tough and takes a while.

My husband can have a bit of pity party for his childhood which wasn't the greatest, and the things he has to deal with that he certainly didn't ask for but was handed. Sounds as if your son is having a hard time dealing with his realities. Dont fall for the "I am not getting help" mantra. Like his addiction, proper mental illness treatment requires a willingness to get better. A pill can help but its not ALL there is to treating mental illness. I take a very hard line on my husbands mental illness treatment - I would much rather live with an A than live with untreated Bi-polar any day of the week (and I really wouldn't live with either).

When I stopped feeling sorry for RAH and excusing behaviors because ' he can't help it" is when I saw the greatest changes in him aside from when they got the meds correct. He CAN help it. So can your son.

A parent can only do so much. That his depression issues weren't handled when he was younger weren't for lack of trying. IME mental illness is often misdiagnosed and often incorrectly treated. I know this in (unfortunately) having several members of my family deal with MI. My husband was misdiagnosed for 10 years as depressed when he was actually Bi-Polar.

Encourage your son to question treatment if he is unhappy with the results so far and leave it at that. No I would not call the director. he is an adult and if he doesn't start getting that this is his responsibility to figure out then he will be stuck in blaming everyone else for his problems - like you and his father.

Knitter

Thank you once again for your words of wisdom. I chose not to visit my son during Tuesday's visiting hours. His dad, however, went. Our son apologized for his words on Sunday. He is moving to a supportive/sober housing this weekend. The sober housing is for men who co-occuring disorders. I am so very grateful and hopeful he can grab ahold of all of the mental health services offered to him there.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom and encouragement. No one knows the trials and heartaches and second guessing that happens but others who have been there.