EmmaLee

Hi,

I am new to this board and don't have much experience in navigating around in it yet so please be patient with me.

I am engaged to an alcoholic...and at the moment i'm feeling very helpless. I don't know what to do to help him. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before. I know that i can't make him quit drinking, he has to want to quit on his own...but i would like advice on how to deal with him.

What's worse is, he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Texas. I will be going there for a visit in two weeks and am toying with the idea of moving up there in November.

I don't know where to turn anymore. He's been on a binge for over a month now. It hurts to just sit back and watch him do this to himself.

I am not sure how often i will be able to come back here and check this thread....i hope to at least once a day....but...if someone would be so kind as to communicate with me via my office address it would be greatly appreciated. It's [email protected].

Thanks to all!

Emma

Lorelai

Emma -
Welcome to SR. It's hard to deal with an alcoholic. It's harder to be married to one. Just my experience.

I hope that you find some help for yourself before you move or get married. AlAnon and these boards are a good start. Alcoholism is progressive. Unless he decides for himself to get help, there is really nothing you can do for him.

There is help for you though. Stick around and read the posts.
I'm glad you're here.
L

EmmaLee

Thank you Lorelei!

He has been an alcoholic for 11 years. He was sober for almost five years then had one night a few months ago where he fell off the wagon but got right back on. This time, it's been a 6 week binge. He is a firm believer in AA and feels that it's the only thing that works for him. He's at the stage where he's scared to death and knows that he has to get help soon. It is just so hard to sit back and watch. I have never felt so helpless in all my life.

I've tried to get tough with him, and he just chuckles at me and tells me that i am too sweet of a person to be able to be nasty and forceful.

When we fell in love with each other...i did a lot of soul searching as to whether this was somethng i wanted to deal with. I knew that there would be times that he would fall off the wagin...hopefully not....but i expected it. But not a six week binge. But, l
ove won over of course. But am i strong enough to handle it? I'm strong enough to deal with what he dishes out...what i'm not sure about is whether or not i am strong enough emotionally to deal with the pain of watching him do this to himself.

I thought a good place to start would be here....and maybe when i return from Pennsylvania on the seventh of September i would adjust my schedule to where i could start going to some meetings.

Thank you for listening to me.

Emma

Lorelai

Emma -
There are lots of people here who know just what you're going through - myself included.

Being tough with him or nice to him won't make any difference in the long run. His drinking is not about you or what you do. It's about him and his choices. You don't have any control over it.

The first thing I ever did was get the book "Codependent No More". The first few pages were my life in black and white. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't the only one.

Keep coming back here and reading and posting. Huge support and a lot of wise people who know right where you are.
Hugs - L

bjmt

"I am engaged to an alcoholic...and at the moment i'm feeling very helpless. I don't know what to do to help him. I have never dealt with an alcoholic before." EmmaLee there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to be the one who seeks help. You may not believe this..but you aren't married and you need to think LONG and HARD whether you want to live with this type lifestyle. Is this the life you had dreamed of? Spending it with a drunk..waiting up nights..staring out the window ..wondering where he is and how he will come home. He will be like some one else just posted on here. He will come home in a cab...at 3-4:00AM..drunk...smelling of urine and alcohol. He may verbally or physically abuse you..then when he goes to bed he will up-chuck or pee all over your nice clean sheets. Then you will feel guilty and clean up after him. Some lie for the alcoholic mate...he is ill with the flu and can't come to work today. You cannot change him!! If he hasn't changed now..then what makes you think he will change after you are married? Read the posts that people have put on this forum. See all the pain and suffering that happens..because of a mate that drinks and doesn't think they have a problem or they go off the wagon..time and time again. About moving..do you have family and friends in this new place? Or do you not know a soul..other then your love? Before you move find a Al Anon meeting..go and see what they have to offer. Don't close your eyes and pretend nothing is going to go wrong..or he will change. It just doesn't work that way!!

EmmaLee

bjmt....thank you for your candid resonse. I have thought long and hard about this. i have spoken to his ex and from what you're telling me here...i might be lucky in a way. She said that he is not the type that goes out to get drunk...he does it at home...and he's never been abusive to her in anyway...nor has he been with me. He is the type of drunk that gets depressed..not angry or abusive. He's been with the same job now for almost 14 years...and NEVER misses work because of his drinking. He gets his pension in 6 years and doesn't want to screw it up.

i have no illusions of changing him....none at all and i realize that i can't make him stop drinking....he has to want to do it on his own. As i said in one of my previous posts...i did a lot of soul searching when i was trying to answer the question of whether or not i wanted to be with this man. Certainly if there had been abuse involved or screwin' up his job i probably would have come to another decision. I know that there are going to be times that he falls off the wagon...i would be stupid to think that he wouldn't. The only thing i CAN do for him is to be there to support him as best i can. I guess that's one of the reasons that i'm here...is to figure out how i can do that.

I assure you that i'm not closing my eyes or pretending that nothing is going to go wrong....or that he will change. The best that i can hope for is that his time spent on the wagon becomes greater and greater as time goes on.

bjmt

Emma,glad you posted again. Wasn't trying to make you angry. I see you have thought about this long and hard then. My AH is a home binge drinker. He isn't mean or abusive..so he would be a friendly drunk. Alot like your love. But if I had to do it all again..I wouldn't have gotten married..staying single would have been so much easier for me. We don't have any kids..which is another plus. My AH will be able to retire with a good pension in 9 years. But what will life be like after that? My AH won't have any type interests to keep him from not drinking every day all day. That is if he lives that long. Luckily my AH had never been married before..just lived with some one. She left him over his drinking. Just had enough of it and had to get out. She told me AH was always drinking when they had plans to go out for the evening. AH would be drunk and passed out by the time they were suppost to be leaving for event. It got old and she couldn't handle it any more. I am about in that same boat. I thought when we married..oh his drinking can't be that bad...he doesn't drink that much..he isn't mean..it won't affect our relationship after we are married. It has and I am looking for a way out. Good luck with your choices. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be thinking of you often. Please keep posting..would like to keep track of how you are doing.

Lorelai

Emma -
I've been married to my husband for 20 years. He never misses work and he's not abusive - physically or verbally. His drinking has increased steadily over the years and we are now to the point where his drinking has taken over his life at home. That's all he does when he's not working. It's very sad and very painful for both of us. We have children and they've been affected also.

I wish that I knew everything I know now much earlier in our relationship. I don't know that it would have changed his choices but I would have been much happier all along.

I guess what I am saying is that getting the information you need to live your life in a happy way, whether he's drinking or on the wagon, can't be a bad thing - right?

I just hate to see anyone else jump into this world without some support.
L

EmmaLee

bmt...You didn't make me mad...and i really do appreciate your candid answers. The thing is....i've never been married either...i have lived with three men over my 44 almost 45 years.....the first one beat the crap out of me just for his amusement, the second one i caught in OUR bed with two other women while i was working three jobs to pay our bills and his child support, and the third one was on his fourth year of having no job and absolutely no ambition when i left. It's wierd how things work out. Mike treats me with the love and respect that i deserve...and i feel that i have waited almost 45 years for this man. You're right....i thought very long and very hard about this....i figured at this late stage of my life...if i DIDN"T give it a try...i would always wonder. I have been down that abused road many a time....and i have lived a lonely existence thinking if i don't put myself in a position to find someone, i won't get hurt again....but...It's lonely down there. I stumbled across Mike purely by accident...it's almost as if fate drew us together. I thought..why not give it a shot. When he fell off the wagon here a while back...since i had never been in this situation before...i thought i would seek out help how to best deal with the situation. I will tell you this though bjmt...if it's not the right situation...it's not going to take me a year to decide to leave him. I'm not gettin' any younger. I also told myself that in this instance..i believe in long engagements. I have to make sure that this is right before i jump in with both feet. Only time will tell i guess.

bjmt

Emma..can I email you? Wanted to ask. Would like to get to know you. You sound like a nice person.

Lorelai

Emma -
I'm really saying this with love and respect. Do you know why you keep chosing men who do these things?
L

EmmaLee

i wish that i had an answer to that one. All the relationships were good in the first years. With the first one...i had about 3 months of the abuse and i finally pitched all of his stuff over our third floor balcony and never heard from him again. The second one...soon as i found out what he was doing behind my back...i left him...and with the third one...well...i thought there was hope somewhere, but i finally did leave him. In answer to your question....no...i have no idea.

KelKel

Hi Emma
Glad you are here and welcome.
My name is Kel and for years I was a functuonal drunk who hid most of my drinking...but it is a progressive dis-ease and I really have struggled to stay sober, I do it one day at a time.
I am afraid that your fiance' will probably get worse, unless he can get back into some sort of support group.
he has found recovery before and hopefully when he is sick and tired of this binge he will get right back into it.
Prayers for you both

moonkat

Well Emma, there is not alot I can say that the other ladies haven't already said. I am in my second marriage, the first was to a dry drunk who called himself a "recovering alcholic" that never attended meetings. My second marriage is to a practicing "I don't have a problem" alcholic. I have three children who are profoundly affected by my poor choices. I would agree with Lorelai that you need to look at your past relationships and figure out why you are attracted to these types of men. If I had to do it all over again I can say without a doubt that NO I WOULDN'T, Love does not conquer all. And on a final note, my husband drinks at home, he is not abusive and he doesn't miss work due to his drinking, however it is a lonely, lonely life when the alcohol takes top priority over me and his children. I would do SERIOUS thinking before making the choice of travelling down this road..........

EmmaLee

Hi Kel,

Yes...he has definetly found recovery before. He was in recovery when i met him. He not only went to meetings all the time but he also volunteered with the AA group that he belonged to. He is a true believer of the 12 steps. He's at the point where he's scared...and knows that he needs help again. I have faith that he will get there. At least i hope that he does. I'm just learning how to be supportive when he's like this. It is very hard to sit and watch him do this to himself.

thanks Kel!
em

Lorelai

Yah Emma !
I'm proud of you for saying you have no idea. That's what you can figure out!

The Al Anon program, these boards and a lot of literature have nothing to do with the alcoholic in your life. They have to do with you. You can start figuring out why you do the things you do. Then, you can choose to keep doing them or make a change. No pressure.

I had to understand what was going on with me in order to make good decisions about my life.

I'm glad you took the first step of coming here. It really can get better.
L

EmmaLee

I have thought about it...and know well enough not to tie the knot until i see what life is going to be like. I appreciate your advice and i'm taking in everything i read here serioiusly and will give it serious consideration once again. The thing is...you really don't know how somebody truly is until you live with them. At least that's been my experience. But...if it ends up not being right for me...and something i can't handle...it's not going to take me a year to get out of it this time.

EmmaLee

You know Lorelai...for a long time i wondered what i was doing wrong that made my relationships sour...and it took me over a year of therapy to realize and understand that it wasn't me....there was nothing that i did wrong, nor did i deserve what i got. With each of these men...each of them in the beginning were hard working, wonderful men...so you ask me why i keep choosing men that do these things...there wasn't a way for me to know it in the beginning.

I'm going into this with my eyes open and hopefully through this board and others like it, they will be wide open. Again...i could be very naive about this...but... i really won't know the true situation until i am with him...not married to him, but living with him. I'm leaving all my things in Dallas, so if things don't work out between Mike and I, i can come right back here a pick up where i left off. I have a sister there for support...and with her help and with the help of friends and guidance on boards like these...i will end up making the decision that's right for me.

emma

Lorelai

Sounds like you have given this a lot of thought. I hope everything turns out wonderfully for you. I'm glad that you have faith in yourself and are going into this with open eyes.

Wonderful weather we're having today in Dallas for soul searching - huh?
L

EmmaLee

Thanks Lorelai....so do i. There's over three months before i am to move up there...i plan to suck up as much information as i can on this board and others...as well as going to Al-anon meetings, and i'm certainly going to see how Mike progresses in the coming months.

Do you go to Al-anon meetings here?

About the weather...yep...did the backstroke to work this morning and looks like i'll be doin' the same thing goin' home!