Cleo1234

Its been about 4 month that i went NC with my xabf, until last week. He messaged me on FB to ask how i was and all my responses back were angry and bitter. Telling him "what does he care if I'm ok"... "that he has a new gf now and should just go enjoy his new life".. and so on! I know i sounded pathetic.

He then told me he couldn't get a handle on his drinking and it was more unfair of him to stay, then leave... and i had built up so much mistrust that there was no going back to normal. he said he would always be defined for his drinking and i would always be defined for my mistrust. All my responses were "hope you're happier now", "Cant believe you were able to move on so fast" .. etc.. Apparently he's still living with his gf... maybe he messaged me to alleviate his own guilt.. i don't know.

I feel somehow he must be happy to think I'm miserable over him still, 7 month post break-up.

lillamy

Who cares what he thinks? I think the problem may be more that you feel bad about how you responded... and now you know you don't feel good about responding, maybe next time you can keep yourself from doing it? Or even block him. Block him on FB and he won't be able to message you.

Whatever he feels or thinks is none of your business. But taking care of yourself is.

GracieLou

Well, you got it out and that can't be a bad thing. You also let him know that getting back together it not in the picture

The "defined by mistrust" is BS! Most people do not go around not trusting others unless they have been deceived so many times that trusting them is just not an option anymore!

Take some deep breaths. It is okay to be angry, you are allowed to feel it.

My advice is to block him on FB. That way you never have to go through that again.

LemonGirl

Meh... not such a proud moment for you in your responses? I wouldn't worry about it. You're human. And I don't think 7 months is that long for you to have worked through all the anger and resentment.
And for his part, at least he is being honest? That he is still drinking and that his drinking and your mistrust would have continued to mess things up if you both stayed in that relationship. The truth is is that now his new gf is going to be living what you were living. And now, YOU AREN'T.

dandylion

Cleo.....just let "Dr. Freud" take a slow boat back to Vienna.

(You don't need to feel bad at all).

dandylion

Cleo1234

he may be sober now, i have no clue.... but either way at least its not me that has to be paranoid and on edge about it. Im pretty sure he didn't tell the new gf he's an alcoholic.

maia1234

Cleo, of course he found another girl friend, fast. He had too. He is not capable of taking care of himself, so you find another enabler to do it. Thats what the majority of active alcoholics do. It makes it a lot easier to continue to do what he was doing. Maybe she even drinks as much as he does.

Now this girl is in the living hell that you lived. Alcoholic's lives are not pretty, as much as we think it is, and it is only going to get worse.

Let him quack quack on what every. Recognize that it upset you, the contact, so make it never happen again. I agree with everyone, you were doing fine, don't take 10 steps back because of your X. He is not worth one ounce of anything in your brain. Move forward and enjoy your peace and quiet.

Cleo1234

Thank you!.... I'm really trying to move forward. Some days are easier than others!

Kboys

Ugh... I know that feeling.
But don't beat yourself up.
Today is a new day!!!

mnh1982

Big hugs. I say things like that all the time to ex-AH...because there are quite frankly just THAT MANY times that his actions clearly speak for the fact that he cares about no one but himself. And I used to feel absolutely horrible for even thinking some of the things I've said, but I mean...come ON. One person can only take so much from another, especially when that other person has said horrible things to you over & over again. While I"m not proud of it, I no longer beat myself up over it...I won't say I've been driven to being rude, mean or uncaring, but that's pretty much the shape of it. Every day is a new one. All you can do is try.

suncatcher

My Axbf recently asked me for money. I had also been buying beer and cigarettes for him when we were hanging out. He is out of work due to a leg injury (which he broke 8 years ago when he was drinking riding a dirt bike). So I gave him the 40 bucks he asked me for, then I told him I was not his sugar mamma and could not continue to throw my money away. He's been staying away since I said that but I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I have times where I feel guilty and want to rescue but reading your post and the responses were helpful today. Thank you and keep taking care of you.

Duckygirl1

Hey, take it from a girl who can be the poster child of bitter and angry, you got it out of your system and that can't be bad. At least you didn't blow it off or deny your feeling to make him feel better. They move on because they were never really with us in the first place. Couldn't be looking at the world through a fog. Trust me, new gf will be in your spot soon enough. Users and those in early recovery are still inherently selfish and bolstered by the psycho babble they learn in rehab. You will rise above dear one

AliWProk

Every once in awhile I dream about letting loose on XAH, but that kind of thing leads me back into obsessing over my anger.

I did take the chance, once, when he was freshly detoxed and sober, to tell him how horribly he f'ed up with his kids, me, and his family. What we've been through. I told him that if he was really committed to his sobriety it would be obvious to us by his actions, and we would never again be able to trust his word.

He smiled and told me to f' off.

I haven't tried to get through to him, sober or drunk, since. Now its just so much pathetic quacking that it's easy to disregard.

atalose

You about done with this guy now???

All done throwing gasoline on his fire. All done feeling miserable for your own actions?

Sometimes it takes us hitting our bottom with our behaviors to propell us to make some changes.

Block him on Facebook and be done already........

maybear

I've never been good at pretending I'm not angry or sad when I am, so I've had some pretty bad moments where I've said regretful things to my husband out of the anger I have felt for the drinking. Thinking about it now I wish I hadn't but really, he drinks whether I am nice, happy, angry, sad etc etc. So it doesn't make a difference to his behaviour in the end.
I am able to look back now (like you are doing) I am detached from him and see that that was only hurting me not really him. Sounds like you've already identified that too. So don't worry about it (he won't be), forgive yourself and move on. Everyone does stuff they aren't proud of from time to time because we are human.