Sitting in A&E with AM
 

Im sitting in A&E at the moment with my AM and dad! My emotions are running high and low and I'm extremely anger!

My mothers alcoholism took a turn for the worst at the beginning of the year, she was "diagnosed" with alcoholism and used it as an excuse to drink more! I decided to seek help for myself as I was struggling to deal with it all and started to detach. I've been doing very well and each day was getting better and easier.

I received a call this morning from my brother to say my mums on her way to A&E as she's bleeding from her rear. I'm here now waiting. I'm so angry I want to shake her and scream at her " your killing yourself!" But I know it will do no good do I'm sitting in silence! 😩

I know how hard it is. My mum has cirrhosis and I fear for her life every day. Stay strong and keeping getting the support you need. There's nothing that can really make this situation easier, it's not an easy for sure. but I know you can make it through.

Keep us updated!

Welcome to SR, feebell; I am sorry for what brings you here.

Both of my parents were alcoholics, too, and I am in recovery. We can't eliminate the family link but we can eliminate the manifestations of alcoholism in ourselves.

Stay strong.

I hear you. I got a call last week that my AM broke her heel and was in the hospital after being out for drinks with my dad. FYI, I have told my mother more than once that she is killing herself, her relationships, her dignity, her beauty with alcohol and I am treated like nothing more than a drama queen. She can't put any weight on her foot for at least a month and she is treating it like it is "no big deal." I understand your frustration. I try not to future trip and make sure I self nurture on a daily basis.

Hi there, and welcome. I'm glad you found us here--sorry for the reason.

Sometimes (certainly not always) a health scare will get through to an alcoholic. One of the reasons I quit drinking was that I was beginning to see some scary physical symptoms and had visions of myself in a wheelchair, being housebound and having booze delivered to my home. It scared the hell out of me and I decided enough was enough.

Of course, as I said, it doesn't always work that way. Some people just keep on and on. I'm glad you're getting some help for yourself.

Hugs,

Please let us know how your Mom makes out, feebell; thinking of you both.

Well this is certainly scary to reach the point of bleeding out. I sure hope it's her wake up call once and for all. It sounds like you realize she must want help in order to make changes for the better, not you. I hope this gets her there. Please keep us posted and let us know how YOU are doing.

Many thanks for all responses. Just jn from a very long and tiring day! Mum has been kept in as they are not sure where the bleeding is coming from, more tests being run with a camera being run internal tomorrow.

I really hope this is a wake up call for her as I'm not sure how much more myself and family can take! Glad she is being kept in as its given my poor dad a break and probably a full nights sleep, the first he's had in weeks!

I'm ok, had a slight break down this morning but I think it was more out of anger and frustration of what she's done to herself, not fair we all have to suffer and she gets away Scott free with her actions, as that's how it's felt today!

Keep us posted! Glad everyone (including your mum) is getting some rest.

One thing--is the hospital aware of her drinking? My second husband went into the hospital with pneumonia, and wound up with an "unplanned detox" that resulted in life-threatening withdrawal, which almost killed him. If they don't know, you should tell them so they can monitor her for withdrawal. It isn't always that severe, but it COULD be.

Hi LexieCat yes the hospital are fully aware that she is an alcoholic, it's was one of the first things we told them. At the moment she is being detoxed under the supervision of hospital staff.

I've had a bit of a breakdown this morning and in the frame of mind that i don't want to see her today! I'm just so exhausted. :0(

You don't need to see her today. Take care of you. You can call and check up tonight, but if you need a break from it today, that is absolutely fine.

Tight hugs!

Thanks for the update, feebell.

Take care of yourself, too.

Update on AM

She is due for an abdominal scan today to see what's going on but the suspect she has a bowel infection! They are hoping to get her home tomorrow or Thursday and being honest I'm dreading it!

She has an appointment on Thursday also with a detox nurse from the HUB Recovery centre she attends which we all really want her to go to as she missed the last one. She has now gone a near 72 hours without any alcohol and the hospital said that her DT's weren't all that bad but we're keeping a close eye on her! Not sure how we keep controlling the DT's when she home or should she now be over the worst of it?? My dad has cleared the whole house and made it clear no alcohol will be provided by any of us anymore (he was buying it for her trying to control her intake"enabling") he has now realised that he's doing worse than good and if she decides she wants a drink she will get off her butt and get it herself, that's on her head, her choice!

I think it's good news they have set her up with an appointment with a detox nurse. My stepson was in the hospital for 10 days once and for about 5 days another time. Hopefully, they won't release your mom until Thursday and she can go straight to the nurse's appointment?

I hope, at least, your dad has been able to get some rest.

Yes I'm pleased she has a detox appointment I'm just not to sure what it entails! Fingers crossed she is "worked" on right away!

She's blaming my dad at the moment for given her this suspected bowl infection, the baked potato and cheese "was off" because it could never be the alcohols fault, can it?? She's driven me mad! I'm not going to see her today as I honestly can't bear it, I need to take sometime out!

Oh my. Yes, I would definitely take a day off of it. Your poor dad....

Here is the thing. Don't be surprised at all if she finds other ways to find alcohol. Unless she truly wants recovery and is willing to work for it for the rest of her life, it won't happen. I am glad she is seeing a detox nurse. Would she consider inpatient treatment? It sounds like she is most likely past detox really.....

Tight hugs to you.

To be honest I have no faith in her wanting to get better she is so weak minded at the moment and speaking to her is like talking to a 4 year old, she's making no sense and coming out with all sorts and thats her without a drink, although could this be a side effect of detoxing??

Just spoke with dad who's been into see her today and she's still in a lot of pain and bleeding, so not looking like she will get out soon. They are still trying to figure out what's wrong. Dads having a night off from visiting which I'm glad off as he sounds exhausted. Feeling for him as he asked if it was ok for him not to visit, I told him of course that was ok and that he needed sometime to himself :0)

Feebell, my father has sworn alcohol wouldn't be in my parents house anymore, too, but that never seems to last. I hope your father is stronger.

I hope so too DoubleDragons I really do!

My guilt and worry is mostly on my father now as I'm slowly coming to terms with mums drinking and accepting I can't rescue her. I just wish I didn't feel bad about him having to look after her and taking on the responsibly of her even though I've told him many times to let her get on with it, but he's just not listening :(

Hopefully the doctors will figure out where the bleeding is coming from and be able to tell you whether or not her cognizance will improve. If her functioning won't improve, is a long-term care facility possible? That way, she would receive the care she needs, and it wouldn't be your Dad's burden...

Have you visited our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholics forum? It's just a few spaces down in the main forum listing. There are many of us who are dealing with an alcoholic parent or two, and we will be happy to offer our unique perspective (only us ACoA can truly understand what it's like!). You don't have to do anything. You aren't obligated to sit by and watch her destroy herself. My AM has had many health scares (several broken bones, possible heart attacks, learning how to walk again) and isn't slowing down. Sometimes they just don't want to stop. I stopped talking to my mother completely almost three years ago. While it works for me, it's not for everyone. But just know that you are under no obligation to do anything for her if she's bent on drinking. You are not her caretaker. It's so hard to let them go, but they're adults who can figure things out on their own.

I apologize if I'm not making much sense. I'm in the hospital with bleeding from my rear too, but I have a chronic medical condition to blame for it. I'm on a PCA pump, so my posts might not be the most sensical things you'll see tonight. Lol. Welcome aboard, and don't hesitate to ask questions around here. The people on SR are wonderful.

Many thanks again for all responses I feel a great deal been lifted just being able to talk to people who understand what it's like.

Seren - my mother is only 54 years old, not old at all and the nurses and doctors in the hospital can see she can take care of herself but she's just not willing too. I'm not sure how care works in the UK as this is the first time ever I've had to deal with one of my parents being admitted to hospital! I feel so lost in all of this.

NWGRIT - thank you so much for your advice, I took a look at ACOA forum and have started reading the threads. I totally understand that I'm not responsible or my mothers caretaker but the guilt I feel for my dad is killing me at the mo :( my heads all over the place and I feel like I can make no sense of anything. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in 4 months time as see what the situations like then!

Ah yes, guilt. It's a learned behavior and can be unlearned. Your father is also an adult. But we are groomed young to take on the guilt for everything that ever happens to them, whether we caused it or not (and guess what? We didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure alcoholism or another's codependency!). It doesn't happen overnight, but we can break free from the FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

Thank you Grits, your so right in everything you say, I didn't cause it, I can't control it nor can I cure it and that goes for both my AM and father, he is a grown man and like me and my mother, responsible for himself and his own actions! He doesn't need to keep enabling her but he chooses to, even after telling him over and over he still does so I'm taking the decision not to tell him anymore and just concentrate on me and my partner as I've been neglecting him when he should come first on my priority list! Why am I letting my AM control my thoughts and feelings when mines doesn't give a dam to her??

I slept the best I've slept all week last night and I think it's because I just got in with my own thing yesterday, I went to work, got home made tea for me and my partner then done a lovely set of nails for my friend, my mind was kept so busy that I had no time to think about AM! Woke up this morning feeling a little anxious but I have done since Xmas but again I'm getting on with it and reading so much in here which is helping me loads.

Hugs and thanks to all :)

Feebell, I feel like we are living parallel stories, AM mom in denial and enabler "to a fault" father. I do much better when I focus on my own life, as well. However, my parents are coming to my home for Easter, wheel chair in tow, and I am feeling anxious as hell. I needed the reminder in your post that my parents have little to no concern on how this is affecting me or my family. So, thanks!

Hi

Just wanted to give an update on me and my AM.

AM was kept in hospital for 1 week, she had severe ulcers in her bowel which they operated on to remove. Whilst in they also detoxed her. She has been sober now for 30 days and has attended 2 appointments at her recovery hub which she wanted to go to herself and is in the process of staring a program. She has also been in contact with the detox nurse which has given her the option to go on to anti-abuse which is a tablet she will be given 3 times a week by the chemist and if she consumes any type of alcohol whilst on this it will make her violently sick. Has anyone here had experienced with there A on anti-abuse??

She is doing well and taking it one day at a time, I'm happy that she seems to want to overcome this at the moment, however, she seems a little away with the fairies at times, I'm guessing this is a result of alcohol abuse?? To give an example her lying still seems to be in high function mode, she makes the most ridiculous things up!

I'm doing well, although I feel this real resentment towards my mum, although she's sober for the time being I have no real desire to be around her at all, which makes me sad as we use to be real close. I feel I've lost my "mum" 😢 is this normal?? I'm getting on with my life and enjoying things again and not worrying about her at all now.

I am glad they figured out her issue and that she got/is getting treatment.

The thing about substance abuse is that so many times it is self treating what can be a serious personality disorder. That may be what you are seeing. For many, they think that when their qualifier stops abusing they will get better. So many times it just unmasks the true problem.

It's absolutely ok for you to step back and take care of yourself too. You know the saying about being in the airplane, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first if you are to be any help to those around you.

Hugs to you. Thank you for the update. We are here for you always!!!!

Many thanks for your response Hopeful4. I do genuinely believe there is an underlying issue with my mums mental health and that Alcohol has just masked this for so long. I keep everything crossed that she wants to move forward and dig deep to get her problems/illness repaired once and for all. I'm not putting all my hopes on this as I have read so many times that relapse does surface, but taking it each day at a time. The goal is to get through today!

I know it's ok not to want to spend to much time with my mum anymore as she has left me with scars, but just needed someone to say it, so I thank you for telling me :0)

Xx