Daughter out of control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
Daughter out of control
I have a daughter who's struggled with alcohol since she was 13 and she's now 30.
She has a beautiful son whom I have a lot. She works nights and I work days.
We've been playing this game for 17 years. I know I've enabled her. I have a hard time with tough love. I know that's what the situation calls for.
She doesn't think she has a problem. She's an adult and can do whatever she wants.
This morning at 5:00 am my phone rings and it's her name that comes up. I knew it had to be bad if I'm getting a call at 5:00.
It was a man that works at Lambo's gas station and knows her. He asked if I was her mom then proceeded to tell me she was there, drunk and passed out. He knows her and didn't want to get her in trouble by calling the cops. Not fully awake I told him I'd get dressed and come up there. After I got out of bed I decided it wasn't worth getting her son up at 5:00 am and get him out in the cold to go see her in this condition. So I called the police.
They went there, called an ambulance and took her to the hospital.
I had to call a friend for support. She came over and we went to the hospital. It's around 12:00 noon now. I went into ER and she my friend kept my grandson in the lobby. There was nothing wrong with my daughter. She was just sleeping it off. They woke her up to go home with me. She didn't know how she got to the hospital. She only has a vague memory of being in the bar she was in that night. Nothing about being at the gas station or the ride in the ambulance. She was still drunk and stumbling at 1:00 when we left the hospital. I took her home and I still have my grandson.
She's suffered from depression for a long time. She won't do anything about it. I've noticed more bottles and cans in her trash along with bottles of Crown.
I keep my grandson as often as I can. I don't know if she drinks with him there now. But I know she has in the past.
I worry sick about him. I'm willing to take him, but my concern is that she will just go off the deep end. Drink even more or even try to kill herself.
I need good advice from those that have been there.
Please help me clear my thoughts as my head is spinning.
Thank you!
She has a beautiful son whom I have a lot. She works nights and I work days.
We've been playing this game for 17 years. I know I've enabled her. I have a hard time with tough love. I know that's what the situation calls for.
She doesn't think she has a problem. She's an adult and can do whatever she wants.
This morning at 5:00 am my phone rings and it's her name that comes up. I knew it had to be bad if I'm getting a call at 5:00.
It was a man that works at Lambo's gas station and knows her. He asked if I was her mom then proceeded to tell me she was there, drunk and passed out. He knows her and didn't want to get her in trouble by calling the cops. Not fully awake I told him I'd get dressed and come up there. After I got out of bed I decided it wasn't worth getting her son up at 5:00 am and get him out in the cold to go see her in this condition. So I called the police.
They went there, called an ambulance and took her to the hospital.
I had to call a friend for support. She came over and we went to the hospital. It's around 12:00 noon now. I went into ER and she my friend kept my grandson in the lobby. There was nothing wrong with my daughter. She was just sleeping it off. They woke her up to go home with me. She didn't know how she got to the hospital. She only has a vague memory of being in the bar she was in that night. Nothing about being at the gas station or the ride in the ambulance. She was still drunk and stumbling at 1:00 when we left the hospital. I took her home and I still have my grandson.
She's suffered from depression for a long time. She won't do anything about it. I've noticed more bottles and cans in her trash along with bottles of Crown.
I keep my grandson as often as I can. I don't know if she drinks with him there now. But I know she has in the past.
I worry sick about him. I'm willing to take him, but my concern is that she will just go off the deep end. Drink even more or even try to kill herself.
I need good advice from those that have been there.
Please help me clear my thoughts as my head is spinning.
Thank you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.
I think your grandson's welfare comes first. You can't let him stay with a drunken, irresponsible parent for the sake of keeping said drunken, irresponsible parent from "going off the deep end." Unless she gets sober, sooner or later she WILL be off the deep end, possibly taking her son with her. What's to stop her from putting him in the car and killing him in an accident?
You can't MAKE her quit drinking. But you CAN take care of her son, and take care of yourself. Have you been to Al-Anon? It will help you a LOT.
I think your grandson's welfare comes first. You can't let him stay with a drunken, irresponsible parent for the sake of keeping said drunken, irresponsible parent from "going off the deep end." Unless she gets sober, sooner or later she WILL be off the deep end, possibly taking her son with her. What's to stop her from putting him in the car and killing him in an accident?
You can't MAKE her quit drinking. But you CAN take care of her son, and take care of yourself. Have you been to Al-Anon? It will help you a LOT.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If you're able to look after your grandson, then it makes sense to keep him out of danger. The long term problem is formalising your relationship with him. ATM she can arrive at your place and unless she's visibly intoxicated, you can't legally keep him from her.
I suggest you seek legal advice, without letting your AD know for the moment. There's a lot to think about; if she can't look after her son, are you the best alternative? Are you of an age and income that allows you to become his carer until he's an adult if your AD doesn't recover?
Your fears about taking him away and sending her off the deep end are probably realistic for now, but she already sounds far gone, and losing custody might be incentive she needs to sincerely seek treatment.
I suggest you seek legal advice, without letting your AD know for the moment. There's a lot to think about; if she can't look after her son, are you the best alternative? Are you of an age and income that allows you to become his carer until he's an adult if your AD doesn't recover?
Your fears about taking him away and sending her off the deep end are probably realistic for now, but she already sounds far gone, and losing custody might be incentive she needs to sincerely seek treatment.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've known a lot of drunks who drive with a suspended license. OK, so she doesn't drive, but she passes out with the stove on and burns the house down. Or her son has an accident and she's too drunk to notice. Or she is simply angry or passes out every night. NONE of that is good for him.
And FeelingGreat has some great suggestions for things you might want to consider.
And FeelingGreat has some great suggestions for things you might want to consider.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome Goop. I am so sorry ... what a painful, worrisome situation.
I am glad that your grandson has you to protect him. My heart breaks for all of you. Has your daughter had many consequences of her drinking yet? Other than what you have mentioned, that is.
It sounds like she is really lost... will she see anyone for her problem, such as a counsellor, or a doctor? Does she realize that she may not live long enough to raise her son, or that she could lose custody?
You will find so much support here, so keep posting. Many have been in your shoes, and many still are.
Take care, and good for you for taking care of your little grandson, as he is an innocent victim here, and needs an advocate -glad it can be someone who loves him- you.
chicory
I am glad that your grandson has you to protect him. My heart breaks for all of you. Has your daughter had many consequences of her drinking yet? Other than what you have mentioned, that is.
It sounds like she is really lost... will she see anyone for her problem, such as a counsellor, or a doctor? Does she realize that she may not live long enough to raise her son, or that she could lose custody?
You will find so much support here, so keep posting. Many have been in your shoes, and many still are.
Take care, and good for you for taking care of your little grandson, as he is an innocent victim here, and needs an advocate -glad it can be someone who loves him- you.
chicory
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
((((Hugs))))
Like everyone has said, the child comes first. I'm glad you are finding help here. I believe that there are groups just for grandparents in your position that you might benefit from too. And not to give you any other worries, but my xabf has suspended ******** too. If she can get to a car and has the keys, piece of paper be hanged. She will drive. How did she get to the bar? If she was with people, who just abandoned her?
This is going to sound hard, but maybe (God forbid) if she ends up in the hospital again, leave her there. Maybe they will be able to get through to her the seriousness of the situation. They have social workers too. Good luck!
Like everyone has said, the child comes first. I'm glad you are finding help here. I believe that there are groups just for grandparents in your position that you might benefit from too. And not to give you any other worries, but my xabf has suspended ******** too. If she can get to a car and has the keys, piece of paper be hanged. She will drive. How did she get to the bar? If she was with people, who just abandoned her?
This is going to sound hard, but maybe (God forbid) if she ends up in the hospital again, leave her there. Maybe they will be able to get through to her the seriousness of the situation. They have social workers too. Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Tuscola, IL
Posts: 13
You all are wonderful for your advice!
Lexicat - I agree. Even if she doesn't have access to a car, she could black out and my grandson would be free to run the house. I'm sure she's slept with him there.
FeelingGreat - Yes, I'm physically and financially able to take care of him.
Chicory - Yes, she's had 2 DUI's. She's totaled a car. I've been called multiple times in the middle of the night to come get her. She's been brought home by the police...the list goes on.
In addition to her alcohol problem, she has a blood disorder that causes her to clot. She takes 25 mg of Coumadin a day to stay at a therapeutic level. This is HUGE as drinking effects the blood. It's hereditary and one of her cousins passed away at 30 something from the blood disorder and drinking.
If any of you are the praying type, please pray I have the wisdom (which you're giving me) and the strength to do what I need to do for my grandson and for my daughter to start making the right decisions.
Thank you for your support!!
Lexicat - I agree. Even if she doesn't have access to a car, she could black out and my grandson would be free to run the house. I'm sure she's slept with him there.
FeelingGreat - Yes, I'm physically and financially able to take care of him.
Chicory - Yes, she's had 2 DUI's. She's totaled a car. I've been called multiple times in the middle of the night to come get her. She's been brought home by the police...the list goes on.
In addition to her alcohol problem, she has a blood disorder that causes her to clot. She takes 25 mg of Coumadin a day to stay at a therapeutic level. This is HUGE as drinking effects the blood. It's hereditary and one of her cousins passed away at 30 something from the blood disorder and drinking.
If any of you are the praying type, please pray I have the wisdom (which you're giving me) and the strength to do what I need to do for my grandson and for my daughter to start making the right decisions.
Thank you for your support!!
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