LadyinBC

Personally I think the anger you are feeling is normal, especially because you are starting to process it now. You don't have to let it fester anymore. Feel it, own it, deal with it and then you can let it go.

It is okay to be angry, I think lots of people think it isn't normal or it is bad. Anger is something we have to process and you have to let it out.

"I am woman hear me roar!" You roar and let it out!

Butterfly

I'm feeling the anger about this and everything the anger is all coming out, how he has treated me during our marriage and afterwards.

How he ignored my feelings and twisted everything round so I believed the issue was with me, how he walked away because he didn't want to deal with the guilt of what he's done and that he wants to drink.

He's a coward who won't face up to his actions and keep drowning it all out with drink and ignores me as it's easier for him lets just pretend this isn't happening.

When I think of everything I did for him, picked him up when he was down or messed up because of drink. 18 years of hell, and now I'm dealing with the aftermath.

I HATE HIM, I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME, HOW HE HAS TREATED ME, HOW I LET HIM TREAT ME!!

PHIZ007

Hugs to you butterfly.

I agree that one needs to process the anger own it and deal with it and keep moving forward.

I heard this somewhere which might help...i think it was my cousin who told me she heard it in therapy...I may not have it totally correct but it was on the lines of this....

'Anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'

However if you work through it you can move forward.

I also understand why you are so angry and upset. And remember this too will pass.

Take care

LexieCat

You'll get through this. You're feeling emotions that you've been stuffing. You won't feel this way forever. Someday you'll be able to think about things that happened, and recognize they were very wrong, but not feel white-hot anger when you think about them. You'll feel grateful that you survived, and you will come out stronger in the end. Promise.

daydreamer0217

i think you hit the nail on the head. " I hate how I have let him treat me"

that one line pretty much says it all as far as I am concerned. I feel the same way!!

Mountainmanbob

I'm sorry that happened to you Butterfly. I couldn't even write a post on this thread the first time that I read it. It saddened me. Actually I hope that he suffers deep inside for what he did way back then to you. We should not forget our past sins or we may repeat them yet again. I hope that you will get some new teeth someday soon. I understand what it is like to have missing teeth, I have many missing.
Have a blessed day
Bob

Latte

BF has a removable plate with his two front teeth due to being in a car accident years ago. I know he is self conscious without it in. I've never struggled with anything like this, but the way I see it is that it's like a badge of honor-he made it through alive! You did too. I know that people judge us by the outside and being toothless is judged in a huge way. I cannot imagine the judgement he faces when someone sees him take his teeth out (he has to after he eats occasionally).

I agree with the others though-take care of yourself. You deserve this.

Have you looked in to programs to help domestic violence victims? I know that there are programs that assist people who are trying to get their lives together after getting out of DV situations. I know that here I would probably start with talking to our local Social Workers, or the ones at the hospitals. I would probably even talk to the social workers/therapists at the Mental Health hospital I went to. Sometimes dentists will donate their time/services. You deserve this!

Tentindependent

It wasn't really 'a long time ago'. You're living with the effects of that assault every single day.

I agree with the suggestion that he should be made to pay as part of the divorce agreement. The fact that you've stuffed your feelings all these years doesn't let him off the hook for his own actions.

Is there any way you could see yourself going about your business with your head held high while telling the truth to anyone who asks or is it too soon for that?

I got punched in the face two weeks before my wedding to husband number one (gambling addict). I had a swollen and split lip for a few days but no lasting cosmetic damage. I still spent a few days using the 'walked into a door' excuse. I doubt anyone believed it!

maia1234

Butterfly- it's really eye awakening when u realize it was abuse. You were abused. We never feel this way living it, as it is our normal life. If you went to the police now with what he did, he would have been locked up. Good for you for finally recognizing that it is/was wrong with what he did. You did not see it back then, u didn't want him to feel guilty over it? Really!!!! He will need to own that the rest of his drunken/sober life!!!

I am so proud of you that u are feeling it now! It hurt and you will have to manage this the rest of your life. I agree with everyone else, bring the domestic violence out in the divorce. Make him pay!!!

You are beautiful inside and out!!!

maia1234

Tentindependent- honey, why would you marry someone who punched you in the face 2 weeks before you married him?

You are a powerful, wonderful women and so do not deserve that. You are loved by each and everyone on this site. There are laws against that and he has no right to do that to you. Please reach out and get help. You see from butterly, it doesn't get better, she stayed for 18 years. Please, please please love yourself enough to tell someone, there is help out there. Read the posts here, it will only get better if you make it happen.

(((((((((((Tentindependent))))))))))))))))

Tentindependent

Maia thank you so much for the hugs and the sensitive words.

I was referring to my first husband who I married in 1997. When he punched me I ran home to my parents. My mother forced me to go back to him the next morning to 'talk things out'. Apparently it was more important to consider the potential inconvenience to the wedding guests and embarrassment to my parents than to ensure my safety.
Now do you want to have a guess at how I developed codependency?

I divorced this husband in 1999. That was a wise choice.

Getting immediately sucked into a relationship with someone with passive aggression issues and who 'liked a beer' (several times a night, any night he wasn't working the next day and sticking to one or four beers on 'school nights') wasn't.
I married him in 2000, separated in 2011 and finalised the divorce last year. Its my first divorce-versary next month

I could type more, but I'd rather not be a thread hog.

Butterfly

He was only physically violent that once the rest was more fear with his behaviours. When we first split and got back together I would push and push him to see if he would hit me again or behave aggressively he didn't, not the way he was at first, when he shouted he was scary and the fear that he could hit me again never really left me.

What I have recognised though is that when he began drinking again after his first bout at sobriety he would have manipulated me and made me feel guilty particularly when he basically moved into live with his aunt. How he was trying to support her through a difficult time, staying at his mums while she was away on holiday to look after the cat, until the cat died and he couldn't go anymore, how he would go to his brothers every month for the weekend, how his friends supported him through a difficult time when I asked him to leave and how he couldn't just walk away from them, even though he didn't like them very much, how he wasn't doing anything wrong and he was insecure because I asked him to leave, yet I was driving him mad with my anxiety that he would leave me again! How when his friend was mouthing off about me in the background one night and he said nothing and the next day I was making more of a deal of it than it was his friend was only joking. He was drunk I wasnt I know how his friend spoke and it was not joking. He told me he wouldn't accept that his friend was nasty then he would have to accept that he did nothing about it and he wouldn't do that. He always told me that he wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about me, yet his brothers wife always had digs at me and he said nothing. I always wondered what else people were saying about me. I always thought everyone else was more important!!

For years it was do you mind if I have a drink this weekend, I can manage it, I can control it, blah blah. I think he reached a point where he realised he couldn't control it anymore and if he wanted to stay at home he would have to get help but he didn't want to, I gave him a choice without actually saying it he knew I wouldn't/couldn't go on the way things were.

It was only last year before he walked out he admitted that it wasn't that his friends or family were more important he was protecting his places to drink. It dawned on me then why all these places were so important and why he argued twisted and manipulated me into thinking I was being unreasonable, paranoid and anxious for no reason and I was the problem. Any wonder I believe its me, that I'm not good enough.

AnywY I think what I'm getting at is that while physical abuse wasn't part of our relationship for many many years, emotional and financial abuse very much was and I'm slowly starting to see this. Even after he left he continued to manipulate me with his I love you, I want to be at home but I'm too scared/ don't want to address my drinking, I would love to have you up for dinner and I would cook for you or spend the weekends, I don't love you etc depending on which day it was and I let him because I wanted him home rather than deal with my own issues and look at my marriage openly and honestly!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhh

maia1234

Wonderful!!! So glad you are safe and Empowered.

Love to hear about people over coming obstacles In their life. When they are strong enough to do so.

Love it!!! Glad you are a fighter and a Survivor! Hugs my friend!!

Butterfly

Tentindependent, I'm sorry for what you went through, I get it, it happened to me a month before our wedding. He took an overdose after he did it i remember his parents looking at me in the hospital as if what did you do to cause this while I had missing teeth and dried blood over my face. They didn't want to see, never did and still don't!!

You know the first time I started to deal with what happened was a few months ago it was so difficult but also good as I had blocked out so much from that day, I even remembered that I was trying to leave when he did it and after I went to him to help me! I couldn't remember that only what he did after it. Have you been able to process what happened to you.

It doesn't matter whether there was no lasting cosmetic damage there was and is still damage, internally. I agree with Maia, you are a strong lovely woman who doesn't deserve to be treated that way (((((hugs))))))

maia1234

Butterfly, mine did the same. He didn't want me around him when he was drinking because he couldn't be his authentic self. (A drunk sob, I would call him out when he was wasted and wanted to go home)

He left every weekend to go and play with his friends for almost a year. This gave him his freedom, just like yours to drink as much as he wants when ever he wanted. Like a 18 year old child.

It's crazy that it is a pattern that they do. We are just controlling biatches. All he was doing was protecting his addiction.

Tentindependent

Thanks so much to both of you.

Yes, there is lasting damage. I really hope that society is beginning to realise that emotional abuse can often be more scarring than physical abuse. I'd like to see social education in school teach kids to recognise the warning signs of abuse and that it doesn't start with being hit.

I feel happier and more peaceful and content than I have for a long time but there are things that don't go away. I made a comment to a friend a few weeks ago that I wasn't just much happier being single but much safer too.

It bothers me that although I don't want a relationship, if I did I'd be too afraid to pursue one.

LexieCat

Some schools ARE starting to teach about dating violence. Bullying has received most of the attention (not to minimize the seriousness of bullying, either--that causes significant emotional harm), but dating violence hasn't quite caught up as a serious issue that needs to be addressed in the schools. Both boys and girls would benefit.

Butterfly

Maia, mine was the same never wanted to drink with me and I always believed it was because of me that I was boring. Now I realise it was because he couldn't drink how he wanted to if I was with him. How many nights did we as partners of A's cry ourselves to sleep wanting our partner to see the hurt they were causing and do something. For years I thought of ways I could fix our marriage, if I do this or that when really we had the power all along to do something, we just didn't believe in ourselves enough, me I thought I couldn't survive without him that I needed him when actually I can survive and I am. I'm not hiding behind alcohol and blocking my feelings out and refusing to face up to reality. None of us are we are dealing one step at a time and in the end we wil be stronger and better for it.

Tentindependent, I'm glad your in a better place and agree totally domestic violence, emotional, physical, financial,every aspect isn't taught in school and it should be for both boys and girls.

I don't want another relationship either and even if I did I wouldn't get involved again, never again will I let someone have power to hurt me.

INgal

Butterfly, I don't know if you'd try this, but someone on Twitter just raised $10,000 for her dog's surgery in ONE day on gofundme.com And I think this is far more important ( and I am a total animal lover!)
It may be worth looking into. A new bridge is going to be far less than implants and I am sure there are some dental schools that either do the work or will refer you to someone who may work on a sliding scale. You should feel good about yourself. You're strong and you've been through a lot. Hang in there!!

Butterfly

Ingal, I could never do that lol. There are no dental schools here that do bridge, dentures or anything like that. I've looked after lexie suggested it.

There are schools in London I read an article yesterday were it took 2 years for this lady's work to be completed on a weekly basis but I would have to fly over there every week so it's not an option.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind replies. You have all really helped me get through the last couple of days. The anger lasting this long is a new feeling it usually comes in very short bursts, not this time it's staying and I think from what everyone is saying that's a good thing. Maybe ive finally reacher another stage of the grieving process