But I Just Want to Help
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
But I Just Want to Help
I'm sick again. RAH is worried about me. He let it slip that he's been Googling my symptoms and my diagnosis. He wants to take care of me. Fix me. I know that he wants to take care of me and so in return I'm worried about his recovery and I want to take care of him and help him stay sober - because we're both so much more comfortable taking care of others rather than taking care of ourselves (big time ACoA stuff). Historically when this happens we both take bad care of each other and annoy the bajesus out of one another until we blow up in our own ways. He shuts down. I nag. We both loath ourselves and each other. Shame and guilt take over.
Being aware of this little pattern though, I gently asked my husband to mind his own business in regards to my health. I was met with a chorus of "but last time..." excuses and "I just want to help..." justifications. The way that he can best help me is to really push his recovery to new limits by taking extra good care of himself. It was like I crushed his little codependent heart. In alcoholic families we are asked to lessen someone else's burden constantly. Be quiet. Get better grades. Help more. Why didn't you do X,Y,Z?!
Likewise, the way I can best serve my family is to really pamper myself right now. Like by taking naps and moving slowly (I don't know why but that feels beyond selfish to actually do those things) and it feels torturous. When I find myself worrying about his recovery I remind myself that all I can do is take great care of myself. The bonus is that I'm modeling for my children that when you're sick, you don't push through and pretend like you're not sick (what I normally/used to do) rather you slow down and treat yourself with great care and kindness and occasionally (if you have to) ask others for help.
Recovery is weaving itself through my life in the weirdest ways and I feel more times than not like I'm fumbling but it sure is a lot more peaceful this way.
Goosfraba.
Being aware of this little pattern though, I gently asked my husband to mind his own business in regards to my health. I was met with a chorus of "but last time..." excuses and "I just want to help..." justifications. The way that he can best help me is to really push his recovery to new limits by taking extra good care of himself. It was like I crushed his little codependent heart. In alcoholic families we are asked to lessen someone else's burden constantly. Be quiet. Get better grades. Help more. Why didn't you do X,Y,Z?!
Likewise, the way I can best serve my family is to really pamper myself right now. Like by taking naps and moving slowly (I don't know why but that feels beyond selfish to actually do those things) and it feels torturous. When I find myself worrying about his recovery I remind myself that all I can do is take great care of myself. The bonus is that I'm modeling for my children that when you're sick, you don't push through and pretend like you're not sick (what I normally/used to do) rather you slow down and treat yourself with great care and kindness and occasionally (if you have to) ask others for help.
Recovery is weaving itself through my life in the weirdest ways and I feel more times than not like I'm fumbling but it sure is a lot more peaceful this way.
Goosfraba.
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