dandylion

This is universal law: When dealing with a narcissist---if you offer the hand--they will take the arm.....

When dealing with a narcissist.......there are no stars in heaven for being the "nice guy"......

dandylion

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Iamthird. I can completely relate to feeling beat up when it comes to the visitation schedule. AXH didn't want to abide by any schedule; he wanted to just pick up DS whenever he felt like it. It was easier, eventually, if I enforced the stick-to-the-schedule. AXH was too unpredictable anyways, if I had tried to accommodate him, I would have gone bonkers. And DS would have been left dealing with a highly unsettled schedule.

FWIW, DS understood the notion of sticking to a schedule, and was OK with it, long before his dad did. To be truthful, I don't think AXH ever became OK with it. He hasn't had even supervised visits with DS in over 3 years.

AnvilheadII

I feel so beaten up. I am damned no matter what I choose and this is just co-parenting! I am trying to be cooperative with him because I value his efforts in trying to stay sober. I am trying to stay in my lane and not speak on his recovery at all. But I really don't know how to be a good mom in this...sadly it made more sense when he was drinking because I could blame everything on that.

six year olds don't get to call the shots.....whether that be "i want to go see daddy" or "i want ice cream for breakfast". there is a visitation schedule for a reason - so that neither parent has to compromise or give in to the whims of the other. the schedule is a boundary for BOTH parents.....and provides a steady framework for the child to adapt to.

as far as his recovery.....while him being sober IS beneficial to the child, its no longer your business, unless of course he shows up drunk to get the child! but as far as when he relapsed or that he is now on anti-d's, that's really more info about HIS life than you need.

so really what happened is.....the kid wanted to go to daddy's.
daddy said ok but let's stick to the schedule.
then daddy wanted her on an night that is not his, not on the schedule.

so the schedule IS the key here. he isn't going to be there when YOU need emergency baby sitting, so don't think of him in that regard. he's the Tuesday and Thursday 3pm to 6pm or whatever guy. and that is IT.

iamthird

Yes we have been sticking to the schedule for the past few days no matter what. Even with the holiday on Monday, I just told him to bring her at the regular time tomorrow.

I was alone today so I booked myself, treated myself, kept busy all day! I visited with friends I needed to catch up with, went and got manicure and pedicure with one of them. Just trying to keep focus on me.

I am not used to not talking to her but I am trying to stick to my boundaries. I want to talk to her but it is not worth engaging with him. I will see her soon enough tomorrow.

noinsanity2423

That sucks that he is rubbing it in your face like that. If he really cared about you, he would be apologizing for the years of misery that his addiction put you through. I discovered through my experience with my ex alcoholic, drug addict, verbally abusive, sex addict fiancé that addicts tend to be narcissists with a low capacity for empathy. Their emotional development freezes when they experience whatever caused them to start using. When I left her, she made everything about her and blame shifted everything to me rather than owning up to how she drove me away with her behavior. It sounds like your husband is doing that. It's all about him, so you should be grateful he's doing this for you. Never mind that his addiction hurt you. He doesn't get that he needs to make up for how he hurt you.

I think people are right when they say it's a good idea to remain emotionally distant from him. The closer you get, the easier it is for them to hurt you. It may be best to play it safe until he's been in recovery long enough to learn what empathy is.

LemonGirl

Are you in the US?
Sign up for "Our Family Wizard" or "CoFamilies" for a bit until things settle down. Just a suggestion. Personally, I will have to use these sites indefinitely because my ex is still a selfish and angry butt; he'll never change.

iamthird

I am in the US.

I tried to use Family Wizard and he would not log on.

I will just have to work more on just sticking to what we have in place no matter who is trying to tug at my heart strings, whether it be him or DD6.

Rosiepetal

Nice to hear from you.
You are the grown up in this situation.
Don't buy into his petty little niggles & arguments.
He's never going to thanks you for holding the fort.
Just accept it for what it is & carry on your recovery.
Hugs