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Old 03-28-2015, 06:56 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Ch76. The rehab my ex is at also has family night and includes the family in sessions. We do ( I did) get to express feelings, ask questions etc. they even ran al a non groups where our loved ones weren't present. But in the end, none of it was really for us. It was subtly manipulative. Imagine one of those dates when you think you'll have a nice conversation, but somehow all she talks about is herself and the lunch ends and you then realize that's all you talked about. Even when you get a topic in edgewise, somehow it steers back to her. That is what those meetings and joint sessions are like. The focus of rehab #1 is their clients recovery, in the early stages, that is her her first and only focus. We are allowed in only to the degree that it be fits them and their recovery. If we are seen to be ANY type of hinderance for ANY reason, we get dismissed and if we are devastated, no counselor there is going to check to see if you're ok.

The bottom line was how to make life, recovery, transitions etc easier on the A on all fronts, not really about our recovery. It was just a set of "coping skills" , preaching patience and lowering our expectations. I don't want to cope, I want to live, thrive and grow.

I'm glad you're going to seek help of your own with a professional. That is where the real healing for you starts. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 03-29-2015, 07:52 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I eventually got answers which confirmed by suspicions. She had an affair in rehab with another patient 13 years her junior and over a foot taller and certainly not an adonis ! I am so stupid to put my faith in her. Aaaaarrrrrggghhhh !!!! God help me ! This man will be single for a loooooooonnnngg time. They had sex in week 2 !!! The low life even shook my hand. I've done nothing to deserve this. My only crime is that I loved her and cared for her. So hurt and betrayed. The rehab place knows. So while I was going through turmoil they were laughing behind my back. I know these things happen but she had a loving family home. Oh and she relapsed with a small bottle of vodka. Good riddance. I'm scared for her boy though. Poor kid. Time to plan my exit.
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:03 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Sending you hugs! You hold your head high, you did the kind thing by going to the meeting. You were true to who you are. Good for you! It would have made you feel horrible not to go and not to have the answers/closure that you needed. In my humble opinion, I think most of us holds on to that hope as long as we can. The hope that maybe this time will be different, maybe this time they will do what they said they would. I know for me, I keep thinking my Stbxah will think the way I do, and behave the way I would. He doesn't! And I perplexed every time! A's are really great salespeople. And they draw us back in just to slam us to the floor again, time and time again. I am glad you went to the therapy for your sake. Sending you many hugs!!!
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:32 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Well, guess it was good that you went. It's closure, of sorts. I'm sorry for the shock of finding out what was going on.

I hope you are able to find peace now.
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:47 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Yep, the therapy or family sessions are never really for the family. We were accused of trying to undermine my AM's recovery by denouncing the lies she was telling and offering the center the truth. They wanted none of it. You got what you asked for. Can't say I'm surprised at all. Maybe now you'll start working on the important person here (you) and find your own recovery.
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Old 03-29-2015, 10:24 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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ch76, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have been laughing at you; these things just seem to happen in rehab, and you won't be the last SO who found out their partner had cheated. Rehab seems to be the perfect environment for hooking up, in that you have unstable emotions, an atmosphere of intimacy, and probably a dose of boredom.

I know it's got to hurt a lot, but if it helps you move on, good. It gives you a chance to work on yourself.
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Old 03-30-2015, 02:51 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

She has certainly shown her true colours and you can walk away knowing for sure that you have made the right decision.
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Old 03-30-2015, 08:41 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Many hugs to you. I guess this puts in perspective who she really is. In rehab she was stone sober, so do not let her try to convince you it's b/c she is an alcoholic. Nope.

Take care. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE!!!!!
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Old 03-30-2015, 09:26 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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i am so sorry
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Old 03-30-2015, 01:26 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry, ((((hugs)))). Please focus on you and what you need to heal.
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:55 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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So, two weeks on guys. I've had a sincere apology from the lad she had an affair with in rehab. Karma will visit his doorstep someday, I'll just let the universe see to that. I went on my climbing holiday in Fontainebleau over Easter while she stayed at her parents (150 miles away from home) . She is still there until this coming Sunday, I'm now back at work. We have been talking and agreed to live together until the tenancy expires in August. Financial ties and other commitments do not allow an earlier exit. That should give us both time to figure out if we do want to repair things between us or separate. I need to think about whether I can live with a recovering alcoholic and a cheater. No sincere apology or feelings of remorse from her yet and never will I suppose, such is the mentality of an alcoholic. My head tells me to get rid. My heart still loves her. My head might just win this one.
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Old 04-14-2015, 08:53 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Oh, my dear. My feelings on the rehab romance and some of these counselors is well documented so I will not rehash here. You can search my threads. I know how you feel, but the lad did nothing to you. He made you no promises. You weren't In a relationship with him. Though he acted irresponsibly. He used her as much as she used him. Addicts are addicts. Please let the nice guy Finnish first and find yourself a healthy girl
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Old 04-14-2015, 10:39 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Take care of yourself, man. I lived with an ex for the better part of a year out of "necessity"...it was awful.

If she felt it was ok to cheat on you while in a relationship, what will her attitude about cheating be since now you will only be "figuring out if we want to repair things between us or separate?"

Just sending you caution - on her getting out before August, 'where there is a will there's a way, and necessity is the root of all invention.' You'll do it if you feel like you have to. Best to you.
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Old 04-14-2015, 11:03 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I have read on this sight that A's don't do things while drunk that they wouldn't normally do. Your A wasn't even drunk when she cheated. Seriously, how long was she in rehab? She couldn't refrain from doing that for that amount of time? She was supposed to be there to work on her issues. She was supposed to be there to focus on her recovery. If she had been doing the work she was supposed to be there for, this wouldn't have happened. If you are ok having a relationship with someone that cheated and will likely cheat again when presented with the opportunity, isn't serious about her recovery then I agree with you letting her stay and talk figure it out. I think she is using you. She could stay at her parents, but she is saying she can't.

I think you deserve better. I think any woman would be thrilled to have a healthy loving relationship with a good man. Why would you settle for someone that disrespects you and then doesn't show remorse for it?
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Old 07-28-2015, 04:23 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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It's been a while since I logged on. The madness has continued. Back to full alcoholic mode, all the usual insanity. A hairs breadth from loosing her son to social services. I've had all I can stomach and we're separating. I can't wait to be free of this hell. I worry for her boy with an alcoholic mother and an apathetic father. Probably end up an addict himself. Thank you all for your previous advice and comments. Much appreciated !
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Old 07-28-2015, 05:19 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry Ch76. It is one thing to be an adult and extricate yourself, but the kids always make me extra sad.
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