freetosmile

I've had virtually nothing to report as far as AH goes. That is a good thing, right!?
My therapist congratulated me on having one entire session without talking about him. Ha! Progress not perfection!

But last week I received five large boxes of my dads stuff in the mail. He passed away in 2005.. And grandpa went to a retirement home, so he cleared the old house of dads stuff. Dad was schizophrenic (very severely), alcoholic, and homeless for most of his years after my sister and I were taken away by mom, but I miss him dearly.

I found old tapes that he recorded in the mall. Him singing Willie Nelson, always on my mind.... That made me cry. No matter how messed up dad was, he always sent us letters telling us how much he loved and missed us.

It made me so MAD at my mother again. I hate that she never said a single nice thing, I hate how he loved us so much (even with the mental illness) and treated us so kindly and lovingly... And mom.... Well she still just destroys everything and everyone she touches.

I keep wondering, when will I ever be able to move on from mom? I told my T that I only feel like I will get closure when she is dead and no longer hurting people...i know that sounds harsh... But I just keep coming back to mom.

SparkleKitty

I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you will get there, Free. There will probably be a lot of detaching before then, and also a lot of grieving the childhood and the mother you didn't have, but deserved. You'll be angry and sad and frustrated and sometimes dumbfounded and blindsided...and then you'll accept things exactly as they are. There's no timetable. It will be when you are ready. And you will be ready.

dandylion

freetosmile.....I can imagine how it must feel for you to listen to those tapes.

You had love, though....he loved you and you loved him. You still have the love.
Love is precious.

I am so pleased to hear that you are going forward in your journey.
I think of you, often.

dandylion

Jenibean87

I think one piece of goodness that can come from your mom (obviously not knowing her, or your story) might be to recognize that in keeping you separate from him, you have fewer of the ugly memories that you would have had if you had been witnessing all of his craziness. Instead, you got to love the good and loving part of him without much of the horror stories. Maybe?

Another idea is to take what you learned from your mom's negative behavior and remember to act differently with your own kids (if you have them--I'm sorry, I can't remember...). This stops the cycle of pain and resentment, and allows you to have the relationship with your kids you don't have with your own mother. A "learning from her mistakes" model. (And if you don't have kids, just ignore me!!)

hopeful4

(((Free)))

I wish I had the answers for you my friend. I am glad you received those things to remember your father by. How touching.

Praying for you!!! XXX

firebolt

You sound so great, and like you are working so hard! I'm really impressed and inspired!!! I know everyting will fall into place regarding your feelings for your mom. Keep growing! This is fantastic!

Katchie

Free...I had a strained relationship with my mother too. It wasn't the same as what you have/are going thru but it was very strained with a lot of anger on my part for all of the lies she told about my dad that caused me to hate him while growing up.

For a long time I couldn't talk to my mom w/o this in the back of my mind. There arent any right or wrong answers. You were hurt. For me, I had to forgive her even tho she never apologized and never asked me for my forgiveness. I learned I had to let it go thru my forgiveness of her and that I could use my experiences growing up as the teacher of what not to do and make my childrens home years better because of it.

Hugs girl. I know this stuff is hard and again and here are no right answers. Praying for you...hugs.