Oblivious?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Oblivious?
I have a question for those who went through divorce/separation. As you were getting close to your final decision, and as the relationship between you and your alcoholic spouse was getting colder and colder, have you noticed that the other side was completely unaware, that is, kept acting as usual, as nothing bad was going on? (And there are so many red flags that it is almost pathetic.)
Maybe I feel this way because I am not falling for husband's honeymoons anymore. But it really seems weird. And we do not even fight because we barely communicate.
Maybe because I am so detached and cold and can see better now, but he absolutely does not seem affected. It is almost like an ostrich having head burried in sand.
Maybe I feel this way because I am not falling for husband's honeymoons anymore. But it really seems weird. And we do not even fight because we barely communicate.
Maybe because I am so detached and cold and can see better now, but he absolutely does not seem affected. It is almost like an ostrich having head burried in sand.
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Different people react in different ways. Though an interesting book I read over and over during my breakups suggest that it actually does work this way most of the time--one partner is mentally checked-out, while the other is more or less oblivious and shocked when it actually happens. Could be either way, but one partner initiates, and the other one hasn't a clue.
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That means we even might be "normal"! He is oblivious, and I'm emotionally done with everything. Or he thinks I'm bluffing. And he does not know of me contacting attorneys. That's the thing I did for myself. My little secret and my very own safety.
But just wondering about this. It is fascinating in a way.
But just wondering about this. It is fascinating in a way.
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I've seen this with couples before and it's usually the man who doesn't get it. It may be denial, or he might not have the emotional antenna to realise what's going on.
I agree that it's best not to say anything until you're ready to move.
I agree that it's best not to say anything until you're ready to move.
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I've seen this is couples, before. It was the same in my first marriage--when I told my husband that I wanted a divorce and that I was going to see a lawyer in the morning to begin the paper work....he basically seemed amused and offered a couple of suggestions as to who I could get to watch the kids (he had to go to work).
When I presented him with separation papers to sign--he said I was being ridiculous and should be spending my time in a "better way".
When his friends told him that they thought I was serious....he cried and brought me gifts and tried to bribe me out of it.
He was angry when he finally realized that I was going through with it.
I did not go through a period of detachment--as you have done, though.
The word had not even been invented, then.....
dandylion
When I presented him with separation papers to sign--he said I was being ridiculous and should be spending my time in a "better way".
When his friends told him that they thought I was serious....he cried and brought me gifts and tried to bribe me out of it.
He was angry when he finally realized that I was going through with it.
I did not go through a period of detachment--as you have done, though.
The word had not even been invented, then.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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My A's response when I told him I was going to file for divorce (after much agonizing on my part) was "well, you gotta do what you gotta do."
Indeed.
Yeah, it was weird. He has said some other things in this vein also, just a really flip response to something that I would expect to be a big, big deal to most people. It definitely throws me.
The only insight I would offer would be this: I saw my brother do something similar when we were at my younger sister's funeral several years ago (she died of breast cancer at 37). When someone expressed their condolences to him, he replied "well, $hit happens." Later on, the two of us were talking and I mentioned this to him. He said he was appalled as soon as the words came out of his mouth, didn't really mean that, but was keeping such a tight rein on his emotions that he simply wasn't able to respond appropriately. Actually feeling his sorrow and accepting the person's sympathy would have resulted in what was, to him, an unacceptable public emotional breakdown.
I understood that, don't know that I've done it to that extent but I have certainly sat on my feelings and as a result likely appeared cold, unfeeling, etc., at times.
Not offering an excuse for anyone's behavior, just sharing some experiences.
Indeed.
Yeah, it was weird. He has said some other things in this vein also, just a really flip response to something that I would expect to be a big, big deal to most people. It definitely throws me.
The only insight I would offer would be this: I saw my brother do something similar when we were at my younger sister's funeral several years ago (she died of breast cancer at 37). When someone expressed their condolences to him, he replied "well, $hit happens." Later on, the two of us were talking and I mentioned this to him. He said he was appalled as soon as the words came out of his mouth, didn't really mean that, but was keeping such a tight rein on his emotions that he simply wasn't able to respond appropriately. Actually feeling his sorrow and accepting the person's sympathy would have resulted in what was, to him, an unacceptable public emotional breakdown.
I understood that, don't know that I've done it to that extent but I have certainly sat on my feelings and as a result likely appeared cold, unfeeling, etc., at times.
Not offering an excuse for anyone's behavior, just sharing some experiences.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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From my experience, I truly feel addicts have brain regulation problems with emotions. It could be best to approach them with a yellow card as if they had Aspergers. Emotionally, you just dont exactly know how it is going to be expressed - if at all or perhaps too late.
Also using this approach, it is a good reminder YOU have nothing to do with their "off" responses.
Also using this approach, it is a good reminder YOU have nothing to do with their "off" responses.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I think for me, when I don't get emotional in my responses, or my partner doesn't get emotional, kind of says we are over. And emotional doesn't mean yelling and screaming. It just means you have already put the lights out and it no longer bothers you anymore.
When my ex- wife decided she wanted a divorce, it was like....OK....put it on the "To Do " list. Not arguing, no crying, no "Let's work this out". We had done all that and were still broken. We both knew it was over, no sense agonizing about it.
When my ex- wife decided she wanted a divorce, it was like....OK....put it on the "To Do " list. Not arguing, no crying, no "Let's work this out". We had done all that and were still broken. We both knew it was over, no sense agonizing about it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Once again this site proves how UN-unique my situation is. As our final hearing was approaching my XAH seemed to be in avoidance mode...going along like nothing major was about to happen. He never opened any of his mail, nor did he read any of the documents after the initial filing. He didn't fill out any of the required paperwork and he failed to attend the state mandated parenting class.
Meanwhile as I was agonizing over the decision as to whether or not to go through with it (at the time he was abstaining and dabbling in AA,) I reached out to him repeatedly letting him know how much I was struggling. Each time he said "there's nothing to talk about - you've made your decision." I even reminded him of the deadline and gave him the phone number to call to delay the hearing so it could be scheduled on a day he didn't have to miss work. He never once called me or emailed or just said...hey let's give this another try. I'm not proud to admit it but I was so screwed up at the time that any little sign would have been enough for me to hold off. Seriously if he had texted me the morning of the hearing and simply said "I love you - please don't." I wouldn't have - instead the only text I got was asking me to text him when it was done.
Then...once it was final he got very angry and I think was (maybe still is) in total disbelief that we are actually divorced. Unfortunately he sees it as something I did to him....it was all me. I keep telling myself that sometimes inaction is as significant as action.
You might want to prepare yourself for some strong emotions on his part once the realization sets in. I feel for you. Divorce is a traumatic experience. I hope it goes as well as possible for you. (((Hugs)))
Meanwhile as I was agonizing over the decision as to whether or not to go through with it (at the time he was abstaining and dabbling in AA,) I reached out to him repeatedly letting him know how much I was struggling. Each time he said "there's nothing to talk about - you've made your decision." I even reminded him of the deadline and gave him the phone number to call to delay the hearing so it could be scheduled on a day he didn't have to miss work. He never once called me or emailed or just said...hey let's give this another try. I'm not proud to admit it but I was so screwed up at the time that any little sign would have been enough for me to hold off. Seriously if he had texted me the morning of the hearing and simply said "I love you - please don't." I wouldn't have - instead the only text I got was asking me to text him when it was done.
Then...once it was final he got very angry and I think was (maybe still is) in total disbelief that we are actually divorced. Unfortunately he sees it as something I did to him....it was all me. I keep telling myself that sometimes inaction is as significant as action.
You might want to prepare yourself for some strong emotions on his part once the realization sets in. I feel for you. Divorce is a traumatic experience. I hope it goes as well as possible for you. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2010
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Yup, it was just that way for me. I sat my X down and said, I am going to want a divorce. This is bad. I don't love you.
I just detatched from there. He just went on, oblivious. Then, when I did actually kick him out and divorce him, he just could not believe it. LOL...really?!
I think I had already grieved for my marriage because I knew for a good year in advance that it was just not going to work.
Hugs to you.
I just detatched from there. He just went on, oblivious. Then, when I did actually kick him out and divorce him, he just could not believe it. LOL...really?!
I think I had already grieved for my marriage because I knew for a good year in advance that it was just not going to work.
Hugs to you.
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I knew a year in advance it was coming, even though I was hoping otherwise. I really wanted him to pull it together. I have no idea what my XAH was thinking because he was so emotionally unavailable to me, partially because he was constantly trying to drink and hide it and/or dry out undetected over the course of that year.
I can say that when I did actually file, he was FURIOUS with me. HOW could I DO something like this to HIM? His parents, too, think that was the most unforgivable thing, that I filed for divorce. He was in rehab when I filed. He was in rehab after losing yet another job, for drinking, while he was purportedly sober (even in rehab he said), after living at his parents' house and going to counseling and working on himself, and we were supposed to be working things out. He left for rehab after stopping at my house, where he stole a cell phone, so he could play phone games and text and call his parents in rehab despite the no-phone rules. It was so annoying and stupid, I cut off the phone and filed for divorce. I was so done I was beyond done, I didn't even have any fight in me.
Color me surprised when he was so outraged and shocked that I would leave him. Like, had he not been present to see the shenanigans and my complete impatience and refusal to participate anymore? I also got confirmation, finally, that he'd actually done no meetings or counseling during that "working it out" time. It was a confirmation for me that I had done the right thing. It didn't matter to me what he thought about my decision, because he was not a rational actor, and was unable to advise me on what was best for anyone.
I can say that when I did actually file, he was FURIOUS with me. HOW could I DO something like this to HIM? His parents, too, think that was the most unforgivable thing, that I filed for divorce. He was in rehab when I filed. He was in rehab after losing yet another job, for drinking, while he was purportedly sober (even in rehab he said), after living at his parents' house and going to counseling and working on himself, and we were supposed to be working things out. He left for rehab after stopping at my house, where he stole a cell phone, so he could play phone games and text and call his parents in rehab despite the no-phone rules. It was so annoying and stupid, I cut off the phone and filed for divorce. I was so done I was beyond done, I didn't even have any fight in me.
Color me surprised when he was so outraged and shocked that I would leave him. Like, had he not been present to see the shenanigans and my complete impatience and refusal to participate anymore? I also got confirmation, finally, that he'd actually done no meetings or counseling during that "working it out" time. It was a confirmation for me that I had done the right thing. It didn't matter to me what he thought about my decision, because he was not a rational actor, and was unable to advise me on what was best for anyone.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Originally Posted by healthyagain 
I have a question for those who went through divorce/separation. As you were getting close to your final decision, and as the relationship between you and your alcoholic spouse was getting colder and colder, have you noticed that the other side was completely unaware, that is, kept acting as usual, as nothing bad was going on? (And there are so many red flags that it is almost pathetic.)
Maybe I feel this way because I am not falling for husband's honeymoons anymore. But it really seems weird. And we do not even fight because we barely communicate.
Maybe because I am so detached and cold and can see better now, but he absolutely does not seem affected. It is almost like an ostrich having head burried in sand.
Maybe I feel this way because I am not falling for husband's honeymoons anymore. But it really seems weird. And we do not even fight because we barely communicate.
Maybe because I am so detached and cold and can see better now, but he absolutely does not seem affected. It is almost like an ostrich having head burried in sand.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I just can relate to so many of your posts.
It might be (and probably is) that as long as he has alcohol and can drink, everything is splendid. It does not matter that we do not sleep together, that I do not cook, and we do not eat together, that a few weeks ago I bought big plastic containers to pack my clothes (and started "spring cleaning" throwing away everything I will not need when I move), that I actually spend around 1h a day around him at most, that I apparently avoid him and use my dog's potty breaks as an excuse to catapult myself whenever I sense the storm coming, that I openly told him that I will not be able to stay with him much longer and that his alcoholism is now irrelevant, and that he told me many many poisonous things that I simply cannot swallow. I mean, can it get more obvious?
Then I asked him what was his plan and if he was going to quit. He said, "in a month" and that he "will hopefully never drink again." LOL, quacking, right?
I do believe that this shows how bad his condition is mentally. But I guess it is time for me to move on.
It might be (and probably is) that as long as he has alcohol and can drink, everything is splendid. It does not matter that we do not sleep together, that I do not cook, and we do not eat together, that a few weeks ago I bought big plastic containers to pack my clothes (and started "spring cleaning" throwing away everything I will not need when I move), that I actually spend around 1h a day around him at most, that I apparently avoid him and use my dog's potty breaks as an excuse to catapult myself whenever I sense the storm coming, that I openly told him that I will not be able to stay with him much longer and that his alcoholism is now irrelevant, and that he told me many many poisonous things that I simply cannot swallow. I mean, can it get more obvious?
Then I asked him what was his plan and if he was going to quit. He said, "in a month" and that he "will hopefully never drink again." LOL, quacking, right?
I do believe that this shows how bad his condition is mentally. But I guess it is time for me to move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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My AH acted completely baffled and wronged when I asked him to move out. He kept saying stuff like "how can you do this to our family?" He acted like my asking him to leave was just some random choice I made on a whim - instead of me just finally getting sick of the yelling, lying, drinking, and general chaos. Then, even after I filed for divorce, he kept asking to meet for coffee, or to have a chat on the phone - like he simply could not comprehend that asking him to move out, filing for divorce, etc... actually means "I don't want you in my life anymore."
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Yeah mine too acted bewildered. Even though I had told him 3 years prior that if he didn't stop drinking and doing drugs I was going to leave him. I was giving him until our youngest turned 18 as I didn't want the court battles and visitation and other things that would necessitate any contact. When he was served with the restraining order and I divorced him he refused to do anything so it just went into divorce by default. He kept telling my kids he didn't know what went wrong and only looked at the very end which by then had gone very south with threats and many crashed cars and a DUI. Never mind the years of alcoholism and the fact that I had to be responsible for the entire family all the time and never had a partner and all the other things addiction brings to the table. Completely clueless.
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Originally Posted by guava
Then...once it was final he got very angry and I think was (maybe still is) in total disbelief that we are actually divorced. Unfortunately he sees it as something I did to him....it was all me. I keep telling myself that sometimes inaction is as significant as action.
after it was final, he blew up. he was so hurt. which of course made me hurt. i dont think he actually wanted a divorce, he wanted me to fight the other girl for him (again) he wanted me to lower my values and morals and standards (again). and now, he blames the divorce on me. he blames everything on me. of course he never mentions the sh*t he did that drove me to that point. it is all my fault.
sigh, i wish it was different. i truly loved my AX. i would have stayed by his side thru everything, just not the cheating. of course in HIS eyes, he never cheated on me because we were separated. High school mentally.....
at some point, i guess it finally hit him or SHE manipulated him but he quit his job and moved out of town. we havent seen him since last fathers day and i guess he is doing really well. i am surprised that he hasnt gotten another dwi, because i know he is drinking more (she drinks with him) but i guess she is taking better care of him then i did. it pains me everyday he is gone. my world fell apart when we divorced, and then shattered when he left. all i can do is focus on cleaning up the mess he left and take care of my children, house, and job. but my heart still hasnt completely healed. \
he said some really awful, hateful and cruel things in the end. (as well as let his hood rat talk sh*t to me and about me, i dont even know her, never met her) his directs all his anger on me because "i DID THIS". that is why i found my way on this site, trying to make sense of his actions, behaviors and words.
good luck to you. i hope you find peace. i am still struggling with that.
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