Refiner

If he fought for your relationship he'd have to admit he had a problem. He's doing what addicts do and protecting his addiction at any cost. It's really as simple as that. It has no reflection on you, actually.

Duckygirl1

I'm in your shoes dear. The more you learn about addiction, the nature of addicts etc you will begin to see that even though you'd been together for such a long time, you actually never knew him. There was always a wall of addiction between you. They can't fight for a relationship when they are too weak to even fight for themselves. You may never get the closure you wish for, but you can find peace. I'm struggling with that everyday, but I know it's possible.

kris101231

Refiner and Duckygirl1, thank you. I went to a counselor yesterday and I left feeling like she couldn't give me something to walk away with because she doesn't understand what I am going through. Both of you get it, and I truly appreciate your posts. They were exactly what I needed to hear.

SparkleKitty

Hey Kris, counseling is not a short-term solution to feeling like doo-doo over a relationship with an addict, but if you really believe she doesn't understand, you might seek one out who has experience with or a specialty in addiction counseling. Good luck.

RedDog735

Kris, I've said it before in a previous thread, and I'll say it again. I can relate to this "all about me" attitude. My XAbf and I just broke up about two weeks ago and I too am still waiting on him to admit HE was the one that wronged me. HE was the alcoholic. HE was the monster that brought an incredible amount of stress, drama, turmoil, depression, YOU NAME IT...in my life. HE was the cheater. HE was the manipulator. HE ruined the relationship.

But what about me? Why even spend MY time wondering if he'll reach out one day and apologize for EVERY single episode that created hopelessness in my life.

I also wonder about MY "badge." My badge of honor and loyalty to stay and put up with his shenanigans. I stayed and held MY loyalty, MY fight, MY struggle to keep the "love that was ours." But I too know that this is a LIE. A badge is just an illusion of codependent behavior. I am clinging on to something that is unhealthy. I have to practice and exercise my codependent muscles.

The TRUTH is, my exAbf will not remember all of the events and episodes that have caused a great amount of SADNESS and STRESS in my life. You and I need to understand this. They will not thank us, apologize, etc. Because they just dont have the mental capacity for that. That, and they certainly do not even remember half of it (if not all of it.) And addicts sure as hell do not want to admit that they have a problem. This is the weakness in them. So you cannot expect them to step up to the plate. Having no expectations is what keeps me going. HUGS to you, Kris<3 We can get through this together.

kris101231

Hi RedDog735, I actually just read your comment in the other thread. It was great, and I could completely relate. It made me think. The truth is, we were codependent. We used each other to get through tough times, and I will always love him for that. But I realize it is time for me to count on myself.