Need a bit if help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Need a bit if help
So my husband has been gone for two weeks. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. I know he is staying with his alcoholic dad.
His best friend has just called me and left a voice mail saying he saw him yesterday and he is terribly unwell. He said he isn't eating, has lost the plot. And he has never seen him like this before.
I don't doubt this is the truth. The friend said he is going to get him back to a rehab. The message was guilt ridden, as in, he was conveying a tone of 'why aren't you helping, he is your husband.'
I feel like **** now, I was doing well.
I have to call the friend back, I don't want to be defensive. I don't know what to say.
His best friend has just called me and left a voice mail saying he saw him yesterday and he is terribly unwell. He said he isn't eating, has lost the plot. And he has never seen him like this before.
I don't doubt this is the truth. The friend said he is going to get him back to a rehab. The message was guilt ridden, as in, he was conveying a tone of 'why aren't you helping, he is your husband.'
I feel like **** now, I was doing well.
I have to call the friend back, I don't want to be defensive. I don't know what to say.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by maybear 
I feel like **** now, I was doing well.
I have to call the friend back, I don't want to be defensive. I don't know what to say.
I have to call the friend back, I don't want to be defensive. I don't know what to say.
You do not HAVE to call this friend back, as amberly stated you owe him no explanation.
I am a big girl and when the time came it was up to me to get myself help and take the step in order to start recovery. Your hubby is a big boy and needs to get himself into rehab. No one can do it for him or make him do it. The problem for family and friends is watching us go down the crapper and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Do not let this person make you feel guilty or defensive. You have done nothing wrong.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Maybear, unlike the other posters I do feel you might have to step in. Not if he can do it himself, but if he's got to the point where he can't help himself, it might be a kind act to see if you can get him into rehab or at least detox.
I write this with the provision that you may not want to get involved, but also knowing you're actually his next-of-kin. If he's suicidal, or incapable in the sense of not being in touch with reality, he may need treatment he isn't capable of accessing himself.
If you feel you have to get involved, by all means work alongside his friend as you also have a baby to look after. You may need to visit your AH and find out what state he's in. If he's strongly resistant, then there's not much more you can do. If possible, see if you can get your AH to a doctor or outpatient so they can assess him.
His friend is doing the right thing by running this past you as you are NoK, even though AH has deserted you.
All of the above doesn't mean you have to take him on as a partner again. I'm just talking emergency treatment if warranted.
I write this with the provision that you may not want to get involved, but also knowing you're actually his next-of-kin. If he's suicidal, or incapable in the sense of not being in touch with reality, he may need treatment he isn't capable of accessing himself.
If you feel you have to get involved, by all means work alongside his friend as you also have a baby to look after. You may need to visit your AH and find out what state he's in. If he's strongly resistant, then there's not much more you can do. If possible, see if you can get your AH to a doctor or outpatient so they can assess him.
His friend is doing the right thing by running this past you as you are NoK, even though AH has deserted you.
All of the above doesn't mean you have to take him on as a partner again. I'm just talking emergency treatment if warranted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I just spoke to his friend again, he said he is not suicidal or psychotic.
He is trying to get him into rehab but is now trying to guilt me into putting him on my private health insurance so he has access to a private facility.
I'm so angry right now. This friend is literally just stepping in now and telling me what I need to do to "help."
He is trying to get him into rehab but is now trying to guilt me into putting him on my private health insurance so he has access to a private facility.
I'm so angry right now. This friend is literally just stepping in now and telling me what I need to do to "help."
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
His friends efforts may be a waste of time if your AH doesn't want to go. If he's capable of booking himself in, then leave it to him. Seems strange he hasn't contacted you yet though.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I think you should do what is best for you and the baby.
I think the friend is trying to get you involved and taking over so he
can step back.
As an alcoholic myself, I believe that until people with addiction hit bottom
spending money and organizing recovery "for" them is usually wasted resources.
The addict has to want it for themselves--some of them truly don't and die in their addiction
or have to hit a bottom so low it hurts those who love them to see it.
You have a child to think of, and your own emotional energy to manage.
Dealing with addicts make the family sick and drained.
I'm also a codependent, and trying to "save" my mother from her alcohol and smoking
addiction for years and years nearly destroyed me, my marriage, and greatly contributed
to my own alcoholic progression.
So I say look after yourself here. Your husband is an adult.
Your baby needs a focused and healthy mommmy.
I think the friend is trying to get you involved and taking over so he
can step back.
As an alcoholic myself, I believe that until people with addiction hit bottom
spending money and organizing recovery "for" them is usually wasted resources.
The addict has to want it for themselves--some of them truly don't and die in their addiction
or have to hit a bottom so low it hurts those who love them to see it.
You have a child to think of, and your own emotional energy to manage.
Dealing with addicts make the family sick and drained.
I'm also a codependent, and trying to "save" my mother from her alcohol and smoking
addiction for years and years nearly destroyed me, my marriage, and greatly contributed
to my own alcoholic progression.
So I say look after yourself here. Your husband is an adult.
Your baby needs a focused and healthy mommmy.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
a private rehab isn't really "better" than any other rehab, it just costs more. I've been to both county run and to private and the county run rehab was in many ways "better" because I had really realized how low I had sunk myself.
if you want to help, give him your phone for a phone call, if he's interested in going, he'll call......he has to want to recover or it's just wasted money anyway.
if you want to help, give him your phone for a phone call, if he's interested in going, he'll call......he has to want to recover or it's just wasted money anyway.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Sutton Bonington, Loughborough
Posts: 43
Your husband would move heaven and earth to get his next drink. If he is serious about recovery he needs to move heaven and earth to get himself into rehab and begin the fight. No-one else knows about the particular relationship dynamics between you and your husband, but the only thing you can do is look after yourself. You are powerless over alcoholism. Tell him you love him but he must take action himself. Find an Al-Anon. My partner is coming out of rehab this weekend so I'm still learning about what I should and shouldn't be doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Chalk it up to the fact the friend doesn't have understanding of alcoholism. If this friend did, the guilt trip wouldn't have been given to you. Detach yourself from their ignorance of the disease. I've had to practice this with my MIL who doesn't have the time invested in her sons disease the way I do. It's ok. You just say what you need to briefly, as you did already, and let it go. If this friend tries to bend over backwards to put your husband into rehab, he/she will get an education.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Why do you necessarily have to call the person back? Thing is, that person has no idea what you have already been through. I had a hard time with this too when I kicked my X out. People kept telling me how bad off he was, and depressed. Well, those same people were not too concerned when I was bad off and depressed because of all he was putting me through. Ultimately, he got through it without me, just like I knew he would.
It's time to look after YOURSELF.
ps...Be careful about adding him to your health insurance. I know when I got a divorce one of the first things they issue when you file is that you cannot make changes to certain things, and one of those are removing that person from your health insurance. Just an FYI. I live in MO so the laws may differ, but that is how it is here.
XXX
It's time to look after YOURSELF.
ps...Be careful about adding him to your health insurance. I know when I got a divorce one of the first things they issue when you file is that you cannot make changes to certain things, and one of those are removing that person from your health insurance. Just an FYI. I live in MO so the laws may differ, but that is how it is here.
XXX
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Every one of us that has a relationship with an alcoholic has to learn all by ourselves the lessons learned from trying to help, fix, mend or repair an alcoholic who doesn’t want to help, fix, mend or repair themselves.
Let his friend learn the lessons alcoholics teach and you learn what your quilt and anger at this friend trying to help is really all about.
Let his friend learn the lessons alcoholics teach and you learn what your quilt and anger at this friend trying to help is really all about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Anyone is Australia know the difference between public and private rehab and whether private is much better?
Thank you all SO MUCH for your words.
Apparently my husband didn't really like the 'prying'... The friend told me this. Doesn't really sound like someone who wants to stop to me.
But he's going to go ahead and save him anyway. He said that there would be an 8 week wait for the rehab, and in that time he will keep him safe and calm. Hmmm.
I am not going to get him private health insurance, I would have to pay and I can't afford it. Besides, I think he should take responsibility for his own health at the present time.
I feel a bit bullied by this person, he used the words "as his wife, blah blah...". That kind of thing.
But I suppose he has his own journey to go on with him. I did lose a bit of sleep over this but I'm going to try and let it go.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your words.
Apparently my husband didn't really like the 'prying'... The friend told me this. Doesn't really sound like someone who wants to stop to me.
But he's going to go ahead and save him anyway. He said that there would be an 8 week wait for the rehab, and in that time he will keep him safe and calm. Hmmm.
I am not going to get him private health insurance, I would have to pay and I can't afford it. Besides, I think he should take responsibility for his own health at the present time.
I feel a bit bullied by this person, he used the words "as his wife, blah blah...". That kind of thing.
But I suppose he has his own journey to go on with him. I did lose a bit of sleep over this but I'm going to try and let it go.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
Tough for you.
Focus only on you and your beautiful bubs only!
The friend has no idea what you have been through or what what you are going through, as someone else says he will find out for himself...could be days, months or even years .
Stay strong hope you doing ok
Focus only on you and your beautiful bubs only!
The friend has no idea what you have been through or what what you are going through, as someone else says he will find out for himself...could be days, months or even years .
Stay strong hope you doing ok
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