LaTraviata

I'm a recovering alcoholic, pretty newly sober. Almost immediately, as the brain fog lifted, I saw and understood for the first time how my drinking had brought stress and chaos to those who cared about me. Previously, I just thought they were judgmental.

I've lost some people very dear to me because of my words, actions, and most of all my self destruction. Nobody severed ties with me because they found me unworthy; what I heard again and again was "I can't watch you die."

I love these people very much and it hurts me to reflect upon how much I hurt them. Yes, I do want them back in my life but have no idea how to heal what I've done. The only thing I can think to do is to give it as much time as it takes, let them make the first move, and also be willing to accept the possibility that some may never want to know me again.

I can't imagine watching someone I cared about kill themselves. What a tangle of black emotions that must be -- grief, anger, helplessness. I know of no way to make amends for this.

Your thoughts?

LaTraviata

Furthermore, the ones closest to me tried every manner of intervention to help me. In my fog of alcoholism (which included both drunk and sober states), I saw this as nothing more than an attempt to humiliate me. Taking my keys, keeping me under watch, measuring/allocating my drinks, etc. I didn't understand these as desperate acts of love and protection. Instead, I became even more defiant and always found ways to defeat the controls they tried to place on me.

There's really no apology I can make. I guess I must just settle into acceptance of the consequences. I'm very sad.

LexieCat

Are you in AA? If so, the "amends" step (Step 9) comes AFTER working the previous eight Steps. It is best undertaken with the guidance of a sponsor, so you don't screw things up worse by trying to make amends.

For right now, work on your own recovery, keep doing the next right thing, and you can make the amends when the time is right.

LaTraviata

Yes, I'm in AA and working on the steps. Right now, I need to focus on rebuilding a life, sober. But still...I fear a future without those I loved the most.

It's in God's hands.

LexieCat

It is, and things work out the way they are supposed to. Running around trying to fix everything at once is a very good way to get overwhelmed and distracted. Easy Does It, First Things First. To coin a couple of phrases....

You need to get on solid ground first. If you don't, then it all falls apart when you pick up a drink--maybe after you've won back someone's trust. It's better this way, believe me.

Hangnbyathread

First a disclaimer. I am an individual. What works for me may be different than others. I did not find the 12 Steps of Al Anon effective for me. There is no one right answer here.

There are several paths of discussion on this. I'll speak from my perspective of watching someone destroy any and everything good they ever had in their lives including me. And I only have one experience with an AC in my life so I may not be as adjusted to it as others that have repetitive ones in their lives.

Sorry isn't enough to say, but its a start. Actions that accompany those apologies, make those apologies mean something. For me, to help me get past it required they both be undertaken. I got years of apologies. They become meaningless until true change in behavior is demonstrated. As to how long, that will be between you and whomever you hope to collect back into your life. It will probably be more than a month.

My ex felt as if an apology was not enough, so she never offered it. Hence I never knew if she actually realized the depths of the b/s she put me through. So really it will depend on the terms that you and whomever you want in your life. There may be too much damage that they can recover from it.

If so, you carry on your life and be positive in actions to those that accept you going forward.

I can say for me personally, it would be a ten times easier to meet a Recovered Alcoholic that is on the right path after they have gotten there, than try and overcome some of the acts they did while they were an addict in my life, and they try to say they are on the right path now. If they didn't happen to me, its far easier to say you are a person that treats me well, rather than the person who they destroyed and want to get back to a place where it never happened to us.

Some have a capacity to forgive and forget better than others. Don't take it personally if they can't let you in. But be willing to try if they are willing to let you.

And thank you for posting this. It is your first big step in the right direction. Owning it and wanting to be better.

Hangnbyathread

If it makes you feel any better, you are a lot like many alcoholics in how you conducted yourself. I have learned that what I thought was unique to my ex was actually pretty textbook. I was just ignorant to what alcoholism was.

And I did much of what you described above to try and intervene.....until I learned about the disease. Then I learned to let her go. At least one of us came out better in the end.

happybeingme

I am a recovering alcoholic and I didn't do AA but I will say this, do your steps with a sponsor. Your time to make amends will come.

In the meantime your feelings are normal and healthy for what has happened. Feel those feelings and let the go. Hanging onto them will kill you.

The best amends you can give your loved ones is to get healthy and stay that way. It is also the best amends you can make to yourself.

Congrats on your sobriety and God speed.

dandylion

LaTraviata.....I would say to you that taking the journey of GENUINE recovery will be the best thing you can do for those that you feel that you may have hurt.
I am the one who is hurt by alcoholism....and I can tell you that I have never stopped loving...even though I have had to love from a great distance in order to protect myself.
(I am talking about family, here--not partner).

My guess is that the ones that you hurt the most have been the ones that loved y ou the most.
For them...the love just goes underground--where is is safe from being shattered--if you get what I mean.
I can gurantee that their greatest desire and the most loving thing you can do to heal the lot of you.....is for you to walk that journey of recovery.

You must believe this with all your heart...I believe it to be the absolute truth.

I wish you much self-love to carry on.....

dandylion

Duckygirl1

Congrats on the new path! You really must get strong first.,if AA and steps aren't your cup of tea, there are many programs that will get you and your loved ones to the same place of healing. As has been said, the ones you hurt the most love you the most. They just wounded. Give them time to heal just as you give yourself. Only your actions will mean anything now. They may be waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak. Only time and sincere actions on your part will Prove your change,

Lee578

Congrats on your sobriety and really wish you all the success in keeping on.
Thanks for posting here too and sharing your side

I think all any of the loved ones ever want is to see their A get well.
I think they will want to know that you are and that it's real this time. I think that never really goes away-even if they can't talk to you it's bc they may have wished so hard for so long only to be devastated when it didn't happen.
It can be excruciating to live with sometimes we walk away and have to put up a wall not bc we want to but bc we have to as a last straw.
Consistency in your actions is really going to be key
And I think be willing to really understand what they need to move forward.

In my experience (tho ok my x was not in active recovery) he would tell we would work on mending things and anything I said was ' not constructive'.
If your serious- put in the effort and they will start to build trust in you again.

Good luck to you!

FeelingGreat

The best amends you can make is to stay sober. Your loved ones may have been hopeful and then let down in the past, so they are likely to be wary.

Take your time, work on yourself, and eventually opportunities for contact may arise. If you want to do penance, which I do understand, take on community service.

cookiesncream

I'm also an "A" in recovery and been there, bought the t-shirt. I'm a little further down the garden path than you are (little over a year now). Every single word you wrote, I could have written all of these things myself. I felt controlled so I found new and creative ways to hide booze. I felt like I was being treated like a child, and in turn I acted like a child by my secret temper tantrums of rebellion. The pouring out of booze just made me buy more. The whole thing became an incredibly sick game of cat and mouse. I'm not proud of my behavior in the least.

Upfront I will be forthcoming and say that after attending an outpatient rehab I tried various programs including AA and found my "fit" in a program called "Women for Sobriety" which is not twelve step and works for me. Finding a recovery program you feel comfortable in is so important.

As far as the amends stuff goes. I'm not a 100% sure what to say. I have spent as much time reading this forum in my sobriety as in my recovery program. People here are extremely angry with alcoholics for the destruction we cause and quite candidly it isn't always easy to read. However for me it is very helpful to understand what people have gone through and it helps me understand what truly friends and family are looking for when I take all the reading I've done as a big picture. Some of my overall thoughts and observations are:

-Say you're sorry, make apologies. Make them now and as you feel the need. Write them out, put them in skywriting. Have a hot air balloon drop apologies.
-Own your issues. Don't blame others. There isn't an alcoholic in the world that has faced an issue that somebody here didn't face sober.
-Given the astronomically high relapse rates, some 50-90%, continued sobriety is really the only thing that will pave the road to forgiveness. Any relapses and unfortunately the "reset" button goes into play.
-Understand that it will take a long time for trust to return. People would ask "how long until xyz trusts me again" and the answer frequently given was take at least one year for each year you were drinking being sober before trust to return.

All of this said I spent a solid six-eight months of sobriety DROWNING in guilt. I'm quite sure many on this forum may feel "good you DESERVE it." Unfortunately there comes a point where drowning in guilt is counterproductive because after awhile (and I was dangerously close at the year mark) you just want to say "forget it. If they're never going to forgive me why bother at all." This is probably the most risky trigger of them all for a relapse. I think it is at these points it is why having a strong community of people also in recovery is incredibly important. We've all been in your shoes, we understand. We're also inclined to "call out" stinking thinking.

I wish you well in your new found sobriety. It really IS worth it. I honestly didn't enjoy the first year at all but I finally found my break in the clouds and now I've made it through the first patch I'm much happier now than I ever was drinking.

Peace,

Cookies

maia1234

Cc- awesome response. US alanon have been burned so many times that we learn to stay away from a hot iron sort of speak. Time, and actions are what shows. We really do want to believe you, but cant.. if your personality doesn't change then it really doesn't matter if u r drinking or not, the program is what really shows.

Good luck to you. Keep reading f and f and see if it helps. See the pain we all feeL, loving an addict, really does hurt..

I'm very happy for your sobriety

cookiesncream

Thanks. I just checked the number of my postings here vs. my recovery group and I've actually logged about double the amount here as there. Of course this may be in part because I am also an ACOA and there are some things my Dad did that I will never ever forget. Legal issues. Complete financial destruction. Raging anger. As bad as I was as an "A" these things I did not do so in part I do find myself emotionally relating more to "this side" than "the other side" a good part of the time. However I will be attending a whole weekend conference with my sobriety group in a few months and I'm quite sure we'll all trot out out guilt stories and all the insane stuff we did that we regret. However in the company of other "A's" you don't get much sympathy because we've all been there.

Hangnbyathread

CC: As someone who dealt with an AC in my life, its post like yours that give me the clarity that anyone can recover, when they bring into focus the whole picture of what it has done to their lives and the lives of others.

TY Very MUCH for your responses.