What It's Like To Be SOBER?
 

I haven't been on here for a bit. No real reason except that I reopened my FB and have started working out more, plus I am teaching myself how to play the ukulele. It's super cool!
Anyway, I have also recently resolved to give up drinking for myself. It is now Day 52. I have learned many things about myself and what all this "quitting" is like. Oh, I had also picked up smoking cigarettes again last year and I have recently quit smoking as well. For that it is Day 10? And let me tell you it is MUCH MUCH harder for me than alcohol.

But this is what it is like:

I was raised by hippies. My real dad introduced me to meth at the young age of 13. My mom and my step dad turned their heads and indulged in their own party where beer on weekends became beer every night, until I was old enough to be the designated driver, and years later, my step dad died of liver cancer, and my mom is downing 24 beers in about two-three days. My entire world of friends are drinkers, quite a few of them I suspect are alcoholics, and a handful are most definitely alcoholics.
Drugs and alcohol have been my world ever since I was little.
I'm a good girl, however. In fact, I think I am a fantastic person with a lot to offer, and I don't always date addicts/alcoholics, but that seems to be a running theme for me.

I have shared with my friends what I am doing. They all think I'm nuts. But nobody has disowned me for not drinking anymore... yet. But when I think about ALL the summer bbq's, camping trips, the wedding I am going to this summer and the Bachelorette party, and ALL the stuff I would normally drink at, I am terrified! This has been all I know my entire life, and the mere thought of changing that scares me. I worry, 'am I strong enough? can I really do this? will everyone still accept me? what's wrong with a little fun here and there?' And so on and so on... It feels like a major break-up, where I am still in love with the person, but I know it is for the best. It feels like I am losing a part of my identity. And then the question becomes, "Well, who the hell am I then?" Am I defined by my children, my job, my talents, my goals, my habits, my interests????

Wanna know a fun fact? I am defined by none and by all of those things. My core... Every human being, even our worst drunkards here, are all still human, and somewhere inside, there is a definition of someone that behaviors cannot define. Getting sober has A LOT to do with finding that core self and mastering who you are. A lot has been lost to these people for the choices they have made. And so, it is not simply as easy as putting down the bottle. It is a whole over-haul of life changing choices. WOW!

Just so you all know, I took personal inventory, and I think I am prime candidate for a future alcoholic. I didn't even realize it until I took the "sober" journey. And parts of me misses it, sure, but I know I am totally rocking ALL of my recovery. I work out like a mad woman intent on finishing a 5k at the end of next month in under 30 minutes, I have mad muscle tone now... I have applied and received my permit for a full fledged early childhood teacher, and am working my next step of job hunting... I had "the talk" with my mom about how I can't live with her forever (that was a BIG one for me; all my codiness had me convinced that she needed me here, especially since she drinks so much and really doesn't take care of herself, though she is high functioning).... AND, I have totally managed to fair my way through my break-up with my xabf whilst keeping in contact and keeping healthy boundaries. (for me that is no physical intimacy and no future planning together, but we still talk often; he is still drinking, and has made no real effort to go to AA.... ho hum... all talk still.)

Anyway, hope this sheds some light for some of you... Keep going in all your efforts. Today is a good day!

What a HEALTHY post.. For many reasons! Thanks for sharing.

Great post.

Hey this is great. I have to say, when I was with my XAH, before I realized he was a full blown alcoholic, we did a lot of drinking together. A LOT. I was no stranger to recreational drugs as a teenager and young adult, and liked the hard-drinking, rock n roll lifestyle. It was fun for me for awhile.

But over time I've realized that it's expensive, unhealthy, and comes tied to a lot of yucky feelings and memories, and my choice to drink is now exercised under pretty controlled settings and at a vastly lesser volume than before. I drink like a normie, not someone who came of age around addicts and alcoholics, as I once did.

I went a couple of years without a drink at all (as well as making other major life changes, like counseling and a divorce) and it reset my priorities quite a bit. I still have a hard time not smoking, and still hang on to my one cigarette a day after the kids are in bed and I have some time to myself, but I'm phasing that out too. For me, and it sounds like for you too, a major step towards health was beginning to untangle myself from my parents. I had a very codoependent relationship with my mother that was mutually destructive. Being financially independent has meant the world to me.

Applause to you. You're not alone in this journey, and I am confident this evolution will last my lifetime. It's a good thing.

I was wondering where you been. Congrats on your journey. I also havent had the urge to drink ever since I broke up with my AEXBF it really turned me off of it.

So excited for your on your new future! Keep in touch!!

I'm one of those who CAN'T drink. But I think you're very smart because I used to be like you--for most of my life, in fact. Some of us do take a while to hit that point where we lose the choice about drinking.

FWIW, each time you navigate situations without drinking, it becomes easier. I always LOVED getting good and drunk at rock concerts. The first few I went to sober felt decidedly WEIRD. Now, I rock out with my diet coke and dance to the music and get into it the same way I used to back when I would be loaded. Not only that, I can remember details. LOL, I now make it a point to see bands I saw back in my college days whose concerts I know I went to but have no memory of. Just saw Fleetwood Mac again last year.

I occasionally think it would be nice to be able to enjoy a drink, but I would no sooner drink alcohol than I would drain cleaner, at this point. Not worth it.

Thanx everyone!
Florence, you DO sound like me... I hope to keep going and find something similar =)
Hi Holli!! I pm'd you a while back, not sure if it ever went through... no worries.
Lexie, something you said to me a while ago got me thinking about my own drinking. And once I got to thinking about it and assessing myself, I could totally see the signs of where I was heading.

It's funny, because, any alcoholic could choose to stop at any time, be it, BEFORE it's even an issue, or after he/she has lost everything.... Guess that's not really funny, but that is a definite truth...

Well, some alcoholics NEED what alcohol does for them more than others. So to them, alcohol isn't a problem, it's a solution. They have no motivation to quit, because not drinking is too painful. It isn't just that they like it, it's that alcohol becomes what they need in order to LIVE. I didn't get that way until I was physically addicted, but many are like that from virtually the first drink.

I seldom drink. When I met RAH who was living in another state I drank at least twice a week I'd say. I had recently cut down up until I was 42 (I am 47 now) I was probably out 3 - 4 nights a week.

And when I say drink... well at least 5. Sometimes more. Alcoholic? Nope. Never craved it. Just habit.

So when RAH moved in he said I can live with someone who drinks every once in a while. I can't live with someone who drinks a lot. Can't live with someone who gets drunk period. I stopped drinking. Thing is I never missed the booze, but I missed the camaraderie of the after work cocktails till 8. After not having a hangover for about 6 months I didn't miss anything involving drinking. I also noticed I had a lot more money.

I would guess in a year I might have 10 drinks. I can't remember the last time I got really buzzed. Now when I meet friends I have one max or none at all. What I have been able to accomplish is pretty huge IMO. I opened my own business and have been taking care of my parents in another state. I really don't think I could have done this if I was still in my former pattern. I also feel good Every - single - day. I get up at 6. By the time my friends are getting up I have 3 hours of work done. Its freaking awesome.

In hindsight I was as lucky as any human on this earth. I drove drunk/buzzed a hell of a lot for a hell of a long time and didn't get caught. If I could have all the money back...OMG. Oh well. Happy that's another life.

Congrats on your decision. Ya it seems like it will be hard because its what everyone in your circle does; however, as you change you will find other interests. You can still go and hang out and it won't bother you one bit that everyone is drinking and you're not. You might find intolerance to drunk people which I have now.