Struggling today
 

The no contact on my part is KILLING ME. How do I fill up all the time I used to spend speaking to him or texting him? I have strong urges to talk to him. He was my best friend and I talked to him about everything and anything.

It's like overtime my brain forgets all the BAD and just remembers only good. I know he's caused a lot of damage but why can't I remember the bad enough to MOVE ON.

Today has been worse than others. I found myself spending more time wondering what he's doing, wishing he would contact me first, worrying if he's found someone else. Why do I want to speak with him so badly?

:(

What kind of hobbies or activities do you like and have been neglecting?
I joined a gym and started doing yoga when I quit drinking.
I also read fun novels, took walks in nature, watched some quality Nature programming,
and started playing guitar again.

What about going to a coffee shop and starting a journal?

There's so much stuff to do, but the trick is taking charge of yourself
and getting out there.

You know contacting him is just a road back to chaos and upset,
so don't do that to yourself.

How about a hot bath, herbal tea, and a classic movie tonight?

This is withdrawal. It will pass with time and continued no contact. I am sorry you're in this place, I know it hurts. Maybe fill your time writing down the things that he did and that happened that got you here. (((Hugs)))

RedDog...breaking the bonds in a relationship are painful whether the relationship was healthy or toxic. You can thank Mother Nature for this---it is to ensure the continuation of the species. Yada Yada Yada.

The best antidote for the selective memory is to make a list of the very worst things that happened in the relationship--especially how bad and hurt y ou felt at the time.
Carry it with you at all times. Read it over and over and remember ow bad it really was!
You may h ave to read dozens of times a day, at first.
Stay busy and structured as humanly possible--that helps a lot.

This is short-term pain for long term gain.
It will pass, in time. Living with an abusive, active alcoholic--the pain goes on forever and gets worse and worse.

dandylion

RedDog, there's no doubt this is driving you crazy, so please go ahead and call him so you can move on with this and of course I hope things go the way you want. :egypt:
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/i...drOUFllItQ1jL8

I know it's hard. Just like others have said, I have found self care activities the best... Cooking, making fresh juice, bought some new pyjamas and skin care stuff. All the things that make me happy and I'm sure you have yours.

The other thing that has helped is amping up the exercise. This morning I was feeling particularly down and preoccupied with negative thoughts so I went for a jog. The endorphins really kicked in and upped my mood. It's taken me years to accept that I have to exercise everyday in order to be happy.

RD- treat it like hes your drug, your addiction. You can't have drugs(him), as u are just feeding your addiction. You get mad at yourself when you do have contact, as you always get hurt, stay away!!

Its just as hard for you to stop your addiction as it is for an A to stop drinking. You are posting and reaching out, you are working your program!! You can do this, as you already are. Hugs my friend, these episodes will pass.

Even reading your threads in your short time here might help. Your pain is so clear, and remember you deserve a reciprocal relationship. I agree with everyone...friends, exercise, books, things you enjoy fill many voids. Take care!

Hi Reddog, would it help to keep a journal and write down everything you want to say?

Reddog- I actually wrote down a list of negatives and positives and guess what? The negatives were a lot longer! Sometimes if I feel sad and remember the good times I read it and it helps.

Whenever I feel like texting him reaching out to him-I text my best friend. Trust me I'm not perfect some days I slip. It's all part of getting through a break up.

Youre doing great:)

You were as whole person with dreams, hobbies, friends and a life before him. You will have a life after. But only you can build it. Give yourself time. Mourn the loss of the life you wished for with him and know there is more life to come ((((hugs)))

How do I fill up all the time I used to spend speaking to him or texting him?

At the risk of sounding like a broken record- Alanon? Counseling? You said you didn't have time for those things before. Maybe you do now.
Agree with all the previous posters. Take care of you. You'll never look back and regret time you spent taking care of yourself, whether it's writing in a journal, taking a hot bath or keeping in touch with friends who care about you.

Thanks guys. I have actively been writing in my journal about twice a day since February, before I was even on this site. It seems to help for the time being. In recent news, I received a manipulative text message that caused me to respond (ugh, what a reactionary.)
He says that the lack of passion in our relationship is ironically overwhelming. When I ask what he means by that he says that "there was no fight" and no struggle for the love that was ours.

I responded, irritated and angry with, Was I supposed to fight? Fight feelings of inferiority and neglect over the power of alcohol? Fight your feelings to pursue attention from other women? Those things are well beyond my control. He responds with take care of yourself.

Still very confused...and I want to call to clarify what the hell he means. But I will save the trouble:) I'm OK for the time being, but if I keep reading these messages over and over I worry that I may end up reaching out. DARN THIS. Can it be in past already?

He thinks the world revolves around him, he revels in the attention being in a relationship brings but wants nothing to do with the actual work and commitment that it takes to be a true partner.
You've mentioned before how one-sided the whole thing felt, like you were doing all the work. That's what he wanted. A bunch of different women doing the work to keep him interested while he got to lay back and revel in being the center of attention.
This is not a healthy adult male you're dealing with. It's "His Majesty the Child" as Bill Wilson said in the AA big book. Also known as the King Baby. Basically the mindset of a toddler (me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, I want, I want, I want) trapped in a grown man's body. Not relationship material, as you (and many of us here) have sadly discovered.

I needed to hear this. thank you

I'm sorry hon, but the day you found out he infected you with an STD your obligation to "prove" anything to him ended.

He proved it all.

Its just continuous manipulation. Yawn.

If I want to stop the hurt and pain that comes from touching a hot stove then I need to stop touching it.

Block his number!!!

Ladyscribbler.......... love the -

Me Me Me Mine Mine Mine I want I want I want!!!

Love this, XAH to the T !!!!!!

Its like detoxing yourself. It feels horrible I know! I'm so sorry. But calling him will feel worse
You want to hear from him probably bc he's playing the push me pull me thing and right now he's pushing you away and you want to be 'pulled' back instead.

And You can't clarify what he means.
EVER.
He doesn't know either.
Except that maybe it's seems like a good way to justify his time spent w/someone else.

I got: "we're not compatible"...only a day after I was his "soul mate".

Then some nights out binging, not coming home and a bunch of incriminating texts from women on his phone.

Really.
Whatever you do- don't call.
It will not feel good and you won't get any clarity that's for sure.

Block his number.
If you can't get yourself to block it, at least remove his picture (if you have one) and change his name to something funny. My ex is DDI for Don't Do It (meaning call him or text him). That one does help.
I got into doing things I admired in others. I run almost every day. I am training for a century (100 mile ride in a day). I rock climb. I am making life so interesting I don't have a bunch of down time to get squirrely and wonder why he doesn't call or I don't have someone else. The exercise has the side benefit of getting me fit and looking good and endorphins.