Feeling lost

Old 03-22-2015, 01:44 AM
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Feeling lost

Hi all,
I'm feeling so lost. I met who I thought was the love of my life during the summer of last year. We fell for eachother in a big way. She has a 5 yr old son who is just a treasure. A month into our relationship it was clear she was drinking too much. Two bottles of wine a day. She was drink driving, sometimes with her boy in the car. She admitted to leaving him home alone in bed to get more drink. I could have walked away but I could see she was heading for either an early grave or prison. During autumn and winter she battled hard. We moved in together, in a gorgeous house in the country. Yes I know, move in? Am I mad? Probably ! She was diagnosed with MS some years ago which seemed to be a big stressor along with other life events. Her parents came to stay to help keep her dry and her boy safe while I was at work, but she would be a secret drinker or go off on a binge leaving us to pick up the pieces. So damn selfish and self centred. Roll onto now and she's completing her 5th week of 6 at rehab. She's looking and sounding great. Seems to have really embraced the 12 steps and received counselling for the underlying issues. Here's the thing, she now says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. She's unsure whether she only fell in love with the white knight that help save her and not me. She has changed, she's grown up at last. I was sick of being a baby sitter but for her to say these things after all she has put us through is so unfair. I love her (warts and all). She says we need to get to know eachother again which I whole heartedly agree with and I'm committed to making this work while not being co-dependant on eachother. I've attended two al-anon meetings so far. So it all might be early days and everything will be great but it feels like she's in splendid isolation with little idea of the real world after rehab. I've booked two weeks off work for when she comes home to be supportive. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I love her. She has to keep alcoholism at bay herself but pushing away someone who will not lead her into temptation can't be a good move. I'm in for the long haul if she wants it. You can't change free will but we've got tok much going for us to chuck it away. She knows how I feel. Anybody had similar experiences? Thank you !
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Old 03-22-2015, 01:55 AM
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I have had a woman walk away from me after her asking me to be her white knight and after me doing just that. I can't say she was all better when she left, but I do know, once she made her mind up to go back to "whatever" that was it. She wasn't into us anymore and there was nothing I could do or say. And I just loved her to death, but it didn't matter. You can do what you can do to try to save this, but if she wants to go, she will go and there won't be anything you can do about it.

Not being appreciated for all I have done for some family and such: I have found that that is a common theme with people. You just know you did what you could and that you did good and it has to be good enough for you.
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Old 03-22-2015, 05:33 AM
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I'd suggest you not take those two weeks off to stay home with her and "be supportive." She needs support for her recovery from other recovered people, not from you.

If you want to be supportive, go about your daily life. Let her sort herself out. This is a huge change for her, and wanting to reexamine a relationship she got into when she was drunk is healthy behavior. Hovering around for two weeks might make her feel that all you are IS a babysitter. Act like a partner, instead, one who respects her efforts to get well.

I hate to say it, but hanging in while someone else is drinking doesn't entitle you to a relationship afterward. She may be grateful to you and still not want the relationship.

I'd go easy on the pressure--on both of you. And BTW, you might find YOU aren't so into her, once she's sober. See how things unfold.
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Old 03-22-2015, 05:50 AM
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Hello CH76!

Welcome to SR!

I think it is a sweet gesture to be there for her, but I agree with Lexi 1000%. Go to work, give her space, and watch for what will happen. If you wanted to show support, keep it simple like cooking dinner one night or maybe offering to keep the little critter occupied and out of her hair for a break?

Sadly a lot of addicts relapse right off. She likely will be quite uncertain and unclear about the relationship such that you will grate on each other just by breathing. We enablers - we are quite lost ourselves when our roles are possibly no longer the same.

And her parents? Are they underfoot too?

Early recovery could be purgatory. We are all lost souls unsure about how much penance, forgiveness and soul searching is required for freedom...
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Old 03-22-2015, 06:20 AM
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Welcome, In recovery, aa programs really want the a to work only on themselves. They can't think of anyone but themselves. So this is normal. give her time. Let her take the time to get healthy and think of her sobriety. She needs to give 200 percent to make it last. No drama from the boyfriends. Be there if she needs you only.

Let her go, as she needs to fight this battle all by herself, you can't help.

Hugs my friend, what was for you, won't go by you!!
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Old 03-22-2015, 06:23 AM
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Thank you Codejob and Lexiecat. It's visiting day today so we have chance to talk, or more accurately for me to listen. Maybe I should cancel the holiday and let her do her thing while I do mine and we meet in the middle somewhere. Thank you for your wise words !
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Old 03-22-2015, 07:21 AM
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Good luck Dear one, you will get great advice from everyone here. I do want to slightly disagree with some of my sisters here only to this degree.

If she needs space, give her SPACE no watching the pets, no doing dinner, no breaks to go get her hair done, no being there ONLY when she wants and backing off when she doesn't.

If she can only spend time and get support from other recovering addicts, let them do all of that if they wish. As Lexie has pointed out, hanging in does not entitle you to a relationship after. If your heart is this involved, even though you may not say it out loud, the relationship is what you will be hoping for.

If she is like many on that path, she may be grateful for anything you do, but not hesitate to drop you once she finds some footing. Sticking around in a yo-yo semi supportive relationship is not healthy for YOU. Don't make her purgatory your own. If she comes back, great. If not, via con dios. There are many healthy women in the world with whom you can have a relationship that won't keep you worrying about relapses, driving drunk with children and the random madness you can read about on this site. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-23-2015, 05:43 AM
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Not so lost anymore. After much reflection, I'm recognising co-dependency behaviors in myself that may be innate and heightened by the alcoholic, so I have some work to do there. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie should help there (any thoughts?). regarding my two week holiday, I need some rest and relaxation from the past few months and from work itself. So I've told work I'll be effectively on call if needed (just won a big contract) otherwise I'll be going out and about visiting places, doing my own thing. If she wants to join me occasionally, great. If she needs to work on her 12 steps and all that that invloves, that's great too. I need to work on my Al-Anon 12 steps too. I need a break and burning myself out at work isn't going to help me.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:53 AM
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Well done! Enjoy the rest. She may or may not want to join you, but may I suggest she not. It is distracting. This is why I suggest no "hanging in", doing little supports and being their only when SHE needed.

A's have more support than they can handle if they want. They have rehab, counselors, sponsors, therapist, government agencies, AA/NA meetings and friends who will become their new family to your exclusion. These little contacts and help on standby are like little shots of a drug for codependent people. When the As is around, you will instinctively stop focusing on yourself and focus on her even if it just for lunch, the conversation will be about her, her sobriety, her program, her progress etc. etc. She being an A is still self absorbed and will let you focus on her not even noticing that you are burned out. Give yourself a real holiday dear.(((hugs)))
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Old 03-23-2015, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by ch76 View Post
Not so lost anymore. After much reflection, I'm recognising co-dependency behaviors in myself that may be innate and heightened by the alcoholic, so I have some work to do there. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie should help there (any thoughts?).
I have found "The Language of Letting Go" to be tremendously helpful--so much so that I post the daily reading here on SR each day. Here's the link to today's post: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arch-23-a.html

I hope you find these as useful as I do. Melody Beattie has a lot to say in all of her books--check out a few at your local library or find them used on Amazon to save $$. Glad to hear you're using Alanon also.

Welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.
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Old 03-23-2015, 11:05 AM
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I learn something new on this site everyday. From this thread I have YET AGAIN discovered one of my little behaviors: Talking all about my AH. After a 2 day bender last week he has remained sober, reached out to others in AA and started a very good job today advancing his career. We had a nice weekend together but as I read this thread I recall that almost all of the conversations this weekend were about him, his fears of his new job, him staying sober, his underlying issues...Hey? what about ME? I didnt feel that way at all this weekend but again, I lerarn something every day here. Tonight I am sure he will have lots to share about his first day on the job and that's cool but I have to keep in mind my needs and be sure to talk about my day, my feelings, etc. As soon as I read you were taking 2 weeks off when she comes home my RED FLAG went up! It sounds like something I would have done (in the past) because to be really honest I would want to be with him and, yes, I'll admit it- WATCH HIM LIKE A HAWK. Not anymore. I am learning the difference between support and being controlling and co-dependent, which is REALLY awesome since that is exactly why I came here in the first place! ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 03-23-2015, 11:40 AM
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Thank you LexieCat, CodeJob, maia1234, Duckygirl1, honeypig and IloveRRR !!
I've ordered The Language of Letting Go from Amazon and read today's post (Thank you honeypig). The clarity is coming, but still feel worried I might lose her, but that is only human. If I wasn't worried, I wouldn't care. Just have to find that balance. To all of you (((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Old 03-23-2015, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by ch76 View Post
Not so lost anymore. After much reflection, I'm recognising co-dependency behaviors in myself that may be innate and heightened by the alcoholic, so I have some work to do there. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie should help there (any thoughts?). regarding my two week holiday, I need some rest and relaxation from the past few months and from work itself. So I've told work I'll be effectively on call if needed (just won a big contract) otherwise I'll be going out and about visiting places, doing my own thing. If she wants to join me occasionally, great. If she needs to work on her 12 steps and all that that invloves, that's great too. I need to work on my Al-Anon 12 steps too. I need a break and burning myself out at work isn't going to help me.
This is a most excellent plan Ch76! I highly recommend the Beattie book. Enjoy your time off and I hope you make some progress in YOUR recovery.
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:20 AM
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This all may be for nothing ! Just had a call from her. She wants to break up with me. Doesn't love me anymore. Home from rehab on Sunday and wants to move out and get a new place. Just like that. She has MS and doesn't work. Is on feeble benefits. I've helped to give her the most security she's had ever and that's coming from her parents. We rent this place and locked in until September. She's got everything going for her when she comes out. I think the isolation has distorted her view on life. Thinks she's all sorted and better. But the work has just started. A life change like this is surely going to make her relapse and put her son in danger again. I sure do pick them !
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:28 AM
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CH, you must be feeling a great sens of loss. You've worked hard for a relationship that isn't for you right now, and that is PAINFUL!

She has to do what she thinks is best for her recovery. I know it is hard not to take this personally...

Please take care of yourself, by letting her go, and being kind to YOU. This is the time to figure out the things that make you happy, the things that keep you at peace and content when you are alone.

I'm 37 and am just figuring out who I am again, it is difficult, painful, and LIBERATING! It will also set me up for success in future relationships with friends, family, work, and romances.

I know it is difficult right now, but seeing this as a positive thing for your life will make all the difference. (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by ch76 View Post
This all may be for nothing ! Just had a call from her. She wants to break up with me. Doesn't love me anymore. Home from rehab on Sunday and wants to move out and get a new place. Just like that. She has MS and doesn't work. Is on feeble benefits. I've helped to give her the most security she's had ever and that's coming from her parents. We rent this place and locked in until September. She's got everything going for her when she comes out. I think the isolation has distorted her view on life. Thinks she's all sorted and better. But the work has just started. A life change like this is surely going to make her relapse and put her son in danger again. I sure do pick them !
I am so sorry. I know how much this hurts and how much it's going to hurt for some time. There is nothing we can say that will make it hurt less, but please know we are here whenever you need us. Please take care of yourself. If it helps, keep yourself really busy for awhile. I found I needed to be exhausted at the end of each day for a while. Then lots of self care when you are ready to process. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:02 PM
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I understand the sentiment if you love them, let them go, etc. But this will be so dangerous to her recovery. Have a meeting tomorrow with her and her therapist so will know a bit more of the whys and wherefores then. Maybe I'm better off without an alcoholic?
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:18 PM
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ch76, with all due respect for all you have done for her, her recovery is HERS. You haven't earned a right to judge it, or doom it, or interfere with it in any way.

I know it feels like the hardest thing in the world to step back and let her go, but it's equally as hard for her to let go of people who have taken care of her in the past and to strive for independence. Yes, she may stumble. Yes, she may fail. Or, she may fly. Either way, she has been explicitly clear about what she needs right now.
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:33 PM
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I understand her recovery is hers but she has a 5 year old son to think about too. She's put him in great danger in the past and this pink cloud she's on will only lead to further danger. Anyway, thank you all for your wise words. I'll remember them always whatever happens ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 03-24-2015, 12:35 PM
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I was so VERY sorry to read this. Pain is pain, for the right reasons or the wrong reasons. I won't lie- if my AH came home today and said he didnt love me anymore, etc I would be crushed, would feel BETRAYED (How DARE he after all Ive done for HIM!!) and PISSED OFF! All genuine, real, understandable feelings. I don't know much, but all I can say is the only way out is through....Maybe you will end up together again and maybe it wasnt meant to be, but you will be happy one way or another. I acknowledge your feelings as they are right now. Everyone here will be here for YOU as you go through wherever this development leads. As everyone else has said, she will do what she wants and needs to do and I pray you can find a way to make YOU smile even if its only once a day right now. ((((((HUGS)))))
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