KissMyTiara

It's obvious you want to protect her. But right now she needs to test the waters of her own sobriety. Respectfully, you are not her husband. In your first post you stated her parents are aware and concerned about her and keeping her son safe. IMO, it is their responsibility to assure her well being. I truly believe you need to let her find herself. And you know, she may figure out she really does love you. And if she does, she will be back. I feel your heartache.

ch76

So many wise and lovely people on here ! We are/were engaged, building a life together. Made it clear she doesn't want her parents around after she gets out. Admits she still has feelings for her son's dad that abandoned her, never available, left her in debt and helped her get in the mess she was in. Typing this makes me realise maybe I love someone who isn't good for me. See what tomorrow's meeting brings.

9111111

It warms my heart to see how much you care about the little one. Being 5 and home alone with a drunk driving mom sure must be very tough on him. You haven't mentioned if there's any therapy or protection in place for the kid, or any counselling and support set up to establish a healthy relationship with his mom..These might be issues worth to be addressed in tomorrow's meeting ?

I agree with the others, that your friend's recovery is her recovery, but I also believe that kids in these kinds of circumstances can not have enough people advocating on their behalf.

All the best and keep going with the flow.

Vajraa1281

Hmm. She might have met someone in there. Or two yes in our disease we manipulate and con to get what we want. You helped her with her child when she needed it the most. Which she will forever be grateful for but, don't force it. You might have fallen in love with helping someone and it made you feel good. Try to evaluate what your true intentions are. And why would you rent a house to stay in if you knew she was in her throes of alcoholism?? You should look at your self-esteem. Just saying. Not to be to direct but these are facts no need for more suffering.

ch76

I am analysing myself too. White knight syndrome ! But I've forgiven myself for being the rescuer if it has saved hers and her boy's lives. One positive I'll take is the opportunity to improve my own shortcomings. I didn't consciously look for a damsel in distress but that seems to be the truth at my cost. Message I suppose is to give love freely without expectation. You're all brilliant !

honeypig

Don't know if you've looked at this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-they-do.html

There might be something useful for you there, ch76. I know you'll find your way to the other side of this.

LexieCat

What SparkleKitty said. You can't predict her failure just because she doesn't want a relationship with you at this point. She may have very good supports in place with her recovery program. If she does fail, it's on her. If she succeeds, it's on her (and it would be, even if you were there).

I think we have to be every bit as careful about taking credit for someone else's recovery as we do blaming ourselves for their failures.

What about YOU, ch? It seems to me you might want to examine your need to be the hero, here. I'm not discounting the sense of loss and grief that come with a breakup. But reading between the lines, I get the sense that you're very wrapped up in the idea of "saving" this woman and her child.

ch76

When I love this woman and this child, I wouldn't be human if I didn't want to protect them. All the text I've read is that after rehab, do not make a life change in the first 12 months. Concentrate on recovery. This will be destracting. Who's going to look after her son while she's at AA or NA. Her parents are shell shocked and listed reasons why she's making a big mistake. This is the first stable and loving home she's had ever according to them. My brain says let her go. My heart says she's putting her son at risk. She says she's cured and not an alcoholic anymore. Her fight has just begun. I'm angry too. She was quite happy to take money off me and get her cosmetics and cigarettes and now its goodbye? Used is what I am. I'm too involved to not be a rescuer now, but will learn from this next time if there is a next time.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry you are hurting ch

Addicts are pretty selfish self-centered people in and on either side of their full-blown addiction.

Sometimes the addict is not "normal" emotionally if they've been using drink or drugs to deal with pain instead of learning how to cope as most people must.

Right now, it does sound like she wants space for whatever reason,
and it is good you can see that this user / used interaction isn't healthy for either of you.

ch76

I feel for her that she turned to drink for self medication to numb the pain of life events for which she is now receiving counselling for. I just learnt she did cocaine before alcohol ! What the fudge was I thinking ! Putting the alcoholism aside, it is clear she is narcissistic. Late last year she was convinced she was pregnant. I had a vasectomy a few years back but even though she knew this, it didn't stop her from doing a pregnancy test to rest her mind. Was this just dilusional thinking or did she cheat on me? I need that one answering. A fell for an alcoholic narcissist. Go me !

Latte

I frequently find them at our local Goodwill. They are usually only about 2.50, or less if you go on a half price day. They usually have the Big Book there too. I always have a spare this way.

ch76

I'm reading the Al-Anon books and Language of Letting Go book every day, and they are helping me let go and focus a bit better. She comes home on Sunday. I think she is petrified of the real world outside of the rehab cocoon. I'm off for two weeks as previously stated and will look after myself. Any kind of re-connections between us will happen organically, or not at all. I give love freely without expectation. Take it or leave it.