unsupportive friends who become an issue after breakup
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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unsupportive friends who become an issue after breakup
I have a friend I am going to talk to tomorrow and I would like to know what others would do or be feeling here. As you know ,I left my Abf and have stuck to my decision. He has gone to a few friends but there was nothing wrong w/ how those friends handled it and they were supportive of me..seeing right through all the alcoholic baloney. I didn't have to say a word. I have actually grown to respect these friends even more through this experience.
on the other hand 1 close friend I have known over 15 years whom my ex has started following on social networking after the breakup so he can comment and be in the picture as much as possible to continue putting anything in my face. Ex abf only attempts these things with my 3 best friends and my father. None have returned the favor except this friend and I know my ex has zero interest in being friends with this person and has never had any interest until now. I want to erase him completely from my life and do not think it is asking to much of my close friends to respect that since none of these people had friendships with him to begin with. So far I have not had to ask anyone . Apparently it is common sense to people. This particular friend even though in agreement that this person was completely toxic & alcoholic, seems now to be putting off what he should be doing which is cutting him off and doing what is in my best interest.
They have met only once. There is NO reason for this friend to worry about repercussions from blocking ex-abf other than if he wanted to keep ties with him for superficial reasons. (My ex has a job that really draws out the fame whores). I never have thought of my good friend this way, but am starting to wonder why this person needs to be asked more than once. Bigger than social networking, I am offended and angry that I may have to end this friendship with this person b/c they are unable to be a good friend TO ME and end a friendship in general b/c my ex won't stop trying to involve himself in every way every day in every aspect of anything. I want recovery so bad, I want my life back so bad, that if I have to sever my arm off b/c he is tied to it I will. That is how desperate I am, but I am sad that this long time friendship is showing its true colors possibly. Reminds me of the saying you have to want this program more than you want the relationship. I want it more than ANY relationship, including friends.
I guess my ex and my best friend are now a package deal? This reminds me of the saying, "If opportunity controls your loyalty there is something wrong with your character." I'm so angry and hurting but a strong person who wants to do what is right. Can you help me guys. I really think this person is not being a good friend to me. Thanks for listening..
on the other hand 1 close friend I have known over 15 years whom my ex has started following on social networking after the breakup so he can comment and be in the picture as much as possible to continue putting anything in my face. Ex abf only attempts these things with my 3 best friends and my father. None have returned the favor except this friend and I know my ex has zero interest in being friends with this person and has never had any interest until now. I want to erase him completely from my life and do not think it is asking to much of my close friends to respect that since none of these people had friendships with him to begin with. So far I have not had to ask anyone . Apparently it is common sense to people. This particular friend even though in agreement that this person was completely toxic & alcoholic, seems now to be putting off what he should be doing which is cutting him off and doing what is in my best interest.
They have met only once. There is NO reason for this friend to worry about repercussions from blocking ex-abf other than if he wanted to keep ties with him for superficial reasons. (My ex has a job that really draws out the fame whores). I never have thought of my good friend this way, but am starting to wonder why this person needs to be asked more than once. Bigger than social networking, I am offended and angry that I may have to end this friendship with this person b/c they are unable to be a good friend TO ME and end a friendship in general b/c my ex won't stop trying to involve himself in every way every day in every aspect of anything. I want recovery so bad, I want my life back so bad, that if I have to sever my arm off b/c he is tied to it I will. That is how desperate I am, but I am sad that this long time friendship is showing its true colors possibly. Reminds me of the saying you have to want this program more than you want the relationship. I want it more than ANY relationship, including friends.
I guess my ex and my best friend are now a package deal? This reminds me of the saying, "If opportunity controls your loyalty there is something wrong with your character." I'm so angry and hurting but a strong person who wants to do what is right. Can you help me guys. I really think this person is not being a good friend to me. Thanks for listening..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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I'm not totally clear, here. What has this friend done, other than remain friends with your ex? I mean, you can have anyone in your life (or out of your life) that you choose to, but personally, unless his remaining friends with your ex is harming you in some way (and if that's all he's doing, it seems that it's your problem more than something he's doing "to" you), I don't see that it's any of your concern.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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If you want this program more than anything including friends, then there is no problem. It does not feel good to cut ties, and unless you are being harmed I'm not sure why you have to, but if you must, you must. Others relationships, no matter what they are based on, aren't our concern.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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oh maybe I wasn't clear about it. They aren't friends in actuality. I am friend with this person in my real life, and on social networking. for some reason, my ex has decided to latch onto this person on social networking and make all sorts of comments and engage in everything online to be in my face and it really bothers me. I cut my ex from social networking, from my phone, and he then tried to go through my friends, who also cut him off as his behaviors were "semi stalking, manipulative, and unhealthy" as they put it. This is the only friend who for some reason does not care that it bothers me and just repeatedly avoids having to cut him off so I don't have to see this garbage. I don't want to stop following my friends so I asked my friend to just block him since he isn't friends with him anyway b/c the comments he makes are just to get under my skin and I'm sick of seeing it... My friend is making a lot of excuses as to why he won't do that and at one point someone said to me, " it is obviously b/c of ex alcoholic boyfriend's job. He is not a real friend and wants to just keep all options open."
We don't have mutual friends by the way, those people I do not talk to anymore. These are MY friends in my life and there is loyalty involved. I do see a problem with one of my few close friends maintaining any sort of contact with this person. I should be able to have a couple close friends in my life that are my own that do not involve my ex in anyway. My ex even has that and he is the toxic alcoholic here. everyone does. This person is one of those and that is why my ex is trying to pull this. he doesn't do this with mutual friends, just my very close friends. We have ONE mutual friend, who made it clear that she feels it is stalking behavior for that reason and inappropriate. I am sure of one thing that I do deserve those friends and I respect that my ex's few close friends are that way. That is normal and I am not trying to do what he is doing. B/c I am not an addict, desperate, or trying to convince people of something.
We don't have mutual friends by the way, those people I do not talk to anymore. These are MY friends in my life and there is loyalty involved. I do see a problem with one of my few close friends maintaining any sort of contact with this person. I should be able to have a couple close friends in my life that are my own that do not involve my ex in anyway. My ex even has that and he is the toxic alcoholic here. everyone does. This person is one of those and that is why my ex is trying to pull this. he doesn't do this with mutual friends, just my very close friends. We have ONE mutual friend, who made it clear that she feels it is stalking behavior for that reason and inappropriate. I am sure of one thing that I do deserve those friends and I respect that my ex's few close friends are that way. That is normal and I am not trying to do what he is doing. B/c I am not an addict, desperate, or trying to convince people of something.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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yes and I can only best describe this entire breakup like, " what about bob " with Dr. Marvin and Bob the patient who will never go away. As he tries to literally explain to his wife that he is never gone, opens the door and he is standing there at the door.
Im okay with that. I dwindled my life down to basically very little friends on 1 social media, private, and a few friends in real life, made mostly new ones, hung out in new places. I even moved apartments!!! I did not mind that. But my ex is not willing to even let me have even that. I started completely over and let him have the friends, the fun places. I lived in a freakin hole, and made that hole happy. And now that is starting to really get to me b/c I do deserve a life free of HIM and at SOME point, even if it involves the last 3 people I know and 1 place to hang out at and nothing exciting happening. Leave me the hell alone ya know. He cannot force himself into every crevice and be smug and manipulative about it. His job allows him a little leeway, b/c people think it will rub off on them and get them somewhere neat, so they entertain his garbage a lot of times. This seems to be what my best friends think is happening here. The content of what he is writing is 1. weird 2. directed at me and 3. manipulative and he needs to be removed if this person has any respect for me as a friend. How crazy is it to think how scared we are of losing them and then when we want to get away from them finally we see how they were never going anywhere to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. I miss us. But I am normal and I do not stalk people. I accept what is, and am just SAD about it. This is really getting me angry and I want to pick up the phone and tell him something horrible so he will just never want to see me again. But with alcoholism that will probably make his day great!!! Also, I think my friend is also a little transparent. A little bit of an opportunist as well and I am disappointed in his lack of good judgement and loyalty here. He did nothing but beg me to dump this toxic person for 2 years, and told me I need to go no contact! haha! wait so after you can then let him torture me through you? how nice of you as a friend. That is what I really think. Sorry for venting but sometimes people just suck.
Im okay with that. I dwindled my life down to basically very little friends on 1 social media, private, and a few friends in real life, made mostly new ones, hung out in new places. I even moved apartments!!! I did not mind that. But my ex is not willing to even let me have even that. I started completely over and let him have the friends, the fun places. I lived in a freakin hole, and made that hole happy. And now that is starting to really get to me b/c I do deserve a life free of HIM and at SOME point, even if it involves the last 3 people I know and 1 place to hang out at and nothing exciting happening. Leave me the hell alone ya know. He cannot force himself into every crevice and be smug and manipulative about it. His job allows him a little leeway, b/c people think it will rub off on them and get them somewhere neat, so they entertain his garbage a lot of times. This seems to be what my best friends think is happening here. The content of what he is writing is 1. weird 2. directed at me and 3. manipulative and he needs to be removed if this person has any respect for me as a friend. How crazy is it to think how scared we are of losing them and then when we want to get away from them finally we see how they were never going anywhere to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. I miss us. But I am normal and I do not stalk people. I accept what is, and am just SAD about it. This is really getting me angry and I want to pick up the phone and tell him something horrible so he will just never want to see me again. But with alcoholism that will probably make his day great!!! Also, I think my friend is also a little transparent. A little bit of an opportunist as well and I am disappointed in his lack of good judgement and loyalty here. He did nothing but beg me to dump this toxic person for 2 years, and told me I need to go no contact! haha! wait so after you can then let him torture me through you? how nice of you as a friend. That is what I really think. Sorry for venting but sometimes people just suck.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Sharing some experience here. I am estranged from some siblings. I want no contact with them. For a while, I didn't even want to hear their names out of other people's lips. I had a close friend who was still friends with them. I told him I felt uncomfortable when my siblings names were mentioned, but that was it. I told my friend that I understood if he still wanted relationships with my siblings, I was comfortable with that. To me, I looked at his relationship with them as completely separate from my relationship with them. Although my relationship went sour, it was possible his relationship with them was OK. But I definitely would not be responding to any "fishing" expeditions for them (I can easily simply not answer any questions that are clearly intended to do triangulation). I was totally cool with them having relationships. I just didn't want a relationship with them myself.
As for social media, unfriending and BLOCKING people can help keep them out (the key is the blocking, because then the blocker won't see ANYTHING the blockee person writes - even on other friends' pages).
You only have control over yourself. Who you associate with. Who you allow in your life. Are you seeing things your ex writes on other people's pages? Blocking can help with that. You can "not respond" to inquiries about your ex (you can not make the inquiries yourself as well). Just some things to consider.
It's really tough to have these entangled relationships in the mix.
I wish you luck in figuring out ways to cut the strings of your ex.
As for social media, unfriending and BLOCKING people can help keep them out (the key is the blocking, because then the blocker won't see ANYTHING the blockee person writes - even on other friends' pages).
You only have control over yourself. Who you associate with. Who you allow in your life. Are you seeing things your ex writes on other people's pages? Blocking can help with that. You can "not respond" to inquiries about your ex (you can not make the inquiries yourself as well). Just some things to consider.
It's really tough to have these entangled relationships in the mix.
I wish you luck in figuring out ways to cut the strings of your ex.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Well, if this friend is all that is keeping you from escaping news of or about your ex, then you may just have to let this "friend" go. We can't control others. It's possible this person is addicted to drama, and cutting off your ex would eliminate some drama in their life.
I don't know why this person refuses to cut ties to your ex, but it should tell you that he isn't the friend you thought he was.
I don't know why this person refuses to cut ties to your ex, but it should tell you that he isn't the friend you thought he was.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I think you could talk to your friend and tell him that it is difficult for you to remain friends with him if he is in contact with your ex (I assume this is because he talks about him to you or you see some of your ex on social media because they are friends? And this is painful for you?)
But I don't really think you can tell him to just do it, it is up to him who he wants to be friends with, genuine or not. You could ask that he not share any info he has about your ex with you though.
I guess it is inevitable that you will come across a photo (on social media), some information or news regarding your ex at some point... I know how painful that is and how much you just want them to disappear. It would make life easier sometimes.
But I don't really think you can tell him to just do it, it is up to him who he wants to be friends with, genuine or not. You could ask that he not share any info he has about your ex with you though.
I guess it is inevitable that you will come across a photo (on social media), some information or news regarding your ex at some point... I know how painful that is and how much you just want them to disappear. It would make life easier sometimes.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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thotful & maybear,
I did block my ex and all of our friends actually and everyone understood and was okay with that. It was the best decision I ever made.. after awhile of being apart though My ex made his rounds with my best friends. I asked them to not mention my life. They said of course naturally. We don't want anything to do with him anyway. He somehow understood that and does not do this with them online. but this third friend, as Suki puts it- my ex must have radar for "fake people" because he automatically gravitated to this person using this as an outlet. My friend repeatedly says, " I don't even speak to him and I don't mind blocking him. " Well of course, because they met once for 3 minutes.. and here we are.. he still has not blocked him.. Making excuses, etc. I have requested kindly he be blocked which is the nicest way to handle it for everyone involved. This way he simply cannot have the option to write or do anything which will interact with me in any way and according to my closest friends this should be a no brainer for this person as it is my best interest that matters. Not what my addict ex boyfriend thinks of our choices. if he cannot understand and support me tomorrow and DO IT right then, I have to discontinue contact with this person. He loses me and gains the alcoholic ex with all his status as a friend. I hope he is smarter than that b/c they never had any friendship anyway. This is the silliest situation and no one can understand what my friend is benefiting from this.
I am so resentful towards my ex for how incredibly selfish and disrespectful he is being and for even making this an issue.. but even as Suki put it I am also seeing I have a very bad friend.
My ex engaged 2 other girlfriends of mine right after we broke up, and they accepted his advances and inappropriate behavior through social media and he did it to really hurt me badly. It did but I did not react. I cut them both promptly with no explanation needed. They knew. I knew they weren't really good people anyway. I kept moving. I want to keep moving through this as well. Maybear, that occasional picture hurts! But you know I can get through it a lot easier if I have a little safe place to live and be. I guess thats all I want really. A safe place to be me without him.
I did block my ex and all of our friends actually and everyone understood and was okay with that. It was the best decision I ever made.. after awhile of being apart though My ex made his rounds with my best friends. I asked them to not mention my life. They said of course naturally. We don't want anything to do with him anyway. He somehow understood that and does not do this with them online. but this third friend, as Suki puts it- my ex must have radar for "fake people" because he automatically gravitated to this person using this as an outlet. My friend repeatedly says, " I don't even speak to him and I don't mind blocking him. " Well of course, because they met once for 3 minutes.. and here we are.. he still has not blocked him.. Making excuses, etc. I have requested kindly he be blocked which is the nicest way to handle it for everyone involved. This way he simply cannot have the option to write or do anything which will interact with me in any way and according to my closest friends this should be a no brainer for this person as it is my best interest that matters. Not what my addict ex boyfriend thinks of our choices. if he cannot understand and support me tomorrow and DO IT right then, I have to discontinue contact with this person. He loses me and gains the alcoholic ex with all his status as a friend. I hope he is smarter than that b/c they never had any friendship anyway. This is the silliest situation and no one can understand what my friend is benefiting from this.
I am so resentful towards my ex for how incredibly selfish and disrespectful he is being and for even making this an issue.. but even as Suki put it I am also seeing I have a very bad friend.
My ex engaged 2 other girlfriends of mine right after we broke up, and they accepted his advances and inappropriate behavior through social media and he did it to really hurt me badly. It did but I did not react. I cut them both promptly with no explanation needed. They knew. I knew they weren't really good people anyway. I kept moving. I want to keep moving through this as well. Maybear, that occasional picture hurts! But you know I can get through it a lot easier if I have a little safe place to live and be. I guess thats all I want really. A safe place to be me without him.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Your friends true colours are coming out, ur just seeing ur friend for who they always were. The same thing happened to me.. See yourself as a Rose being pruned and now your being pruned.. Doesn't seem like your losing friends by the dozen so that's good to know you have lots of loyal friends regardless of this one friend..
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Bird I feel your pain I know exactly what your going through, you value ur friend a great deal and are hurting because your mind is telling you that ontop of the agony of breaking up with the ex ur at a cross road between possibly having to let go of someone else you love and you are trying to fight for the friendship! I can see exactly where ur coming from.. I am so sorry this idiot feels the need to be a social infiltrator with your closest friend when it's not what u want for the future of your friendship. Your friend isn't dumb they know what ur going through and need to choose you or him.. Your friend can't be your friend and loyal to you whilst still being friends with someone they've not invested in. I am sorry ur going through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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If you've blocked your ex you wouldn't be able to see anything he posts on your friend's page or anywhere else. I made sure to block someone who was harassing me. I have never seen anything from her again and we have almost 50 mutual friends. Talk with your friend about it in real life, not via social media. Let him know how much it hurts and upsets you that he hasn't cut your BF off. That's all you can do. We can't control others' actions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't "do" Facebook, but if blocking him means you don't have to see what he's saying, I don't know why it's essential for anyone else who knows both of you to do the same.
Personally, I would be offended if a friend of mine tried to tell me who I can and can't communicate with. If the friend is actively passing on messages or "news" about your ex to you that you don't want to hear, that's a different story.
But, as I said, you're free to cut this guy off if you don't want to be friends with him anymore. I just have difficulty understanding the angst about it.
Personally, I would be offended if a friend of mine tried to tell me who I can and can't communicate with. If the friend is actively passing on messages or "news" about your ex to you that you don't want to hear, that's a different story.
But, as I said, you're free to cut this guy off if you don't want to be friends with him anymore. I just have difficulty understanding the angst about it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bird, I understand your anger. You need to work a program to get healthy. You have a lot anger and controlling issues. Eliminate these people from Fb and move on. They see u r angry then they go back to x and tell him what u r up too.
Move froward. X is sick and his life if he Continues to use will only get sicker. Plane and simple.. Eliminate the drama. Hugs!!!
Move froward. X is sick and his life if he Continues to use will only get sicker. Plane and simple.. Eliminate the drama. Hugs!!!
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