RA sister relapse, problems with AA
 

My sister is living with me and my husband since she finished a 28 day program in Nov. She was almost sober for 5 months when this morning I smelled alcohol on her breath. I was getting ready to confront her when she had a seizure. She denied drinking for the longest time,
but finally admitted it to the fire & rescue team. I know part of the reason she didn't want to admit it is that she knows she cannot live here of she drinks. She is staying over night at the hospital. At this time she does not want to check into a program. She had only relapsed a little over a week ago, so I'm open to other options. There has been a lot of stressors that has happened lately so I can see how she relapsed. However she states that she is so worn out with AA. I didn't push any subject as she was on DTs, mild thankfully, c but will address again when the time is right. Have any of you experienced that or have suggestion for other programs? She has tried Celebrate Recovert and she said it was ok, but since it is open to all addictions she didn't care for it much. I have to identify and set some boundaries if she stays with us. I know. I don't want to kick her out without trying first bc we are the only support she has. We will not live with her drinking though. Any insights or suggestions on options and setting boundaries will be great. She has a job she likes with a Christian environment and it is important to her to keep it. She was trying to detox her self and that is why she had the seizure. Thanks in advance. Ignore the last 3 words. I'm unable to delete them from
My phone app.

However, she stated

If she had seizures and DTs, she didn't just pick up a drink this morning, she's been doing it for a while.

Your boundary was that she can't drink and live with you. Maybe look into a sober living situation for her?

I'm sorry I was unclear. I didn't notice it until this morning. She first relapsed 2 weeks ago with just a few drinks according to her. The heavy drinking (vodka all day) started somewhere about 4 days ago. She admitted she was confused on time line. She may know more tomorrow or Monday.

menhen....I suggest that you go to the stickies at the top of this main page......click on the one labled: "Classic Readings".....and, then, read the one titled: "10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap".

When she says that she is worn out with AA...that is an excuse. A person who wants to quit drinking will reach for any help that they can get.

I also think that sober living would be a better solution (for all of you). If she is having problems with depression or anxiety---seeing a professional for that would be the thing to do (rather than alcohol).

dandylion

OK, well, it's still a violation of your boundary. How does your husband feel about it? It's his house, too.

A sober living house would give her supervision and structure, as well as regular recovery-related activities. I don't know what "worn out with AA" means. Does she have a sponsor? Is she working the Steps? I'm not suggesting you should get involved in her recovery efforts, but if all she is doing is showing up at meetings, that isn't really working the AA program. Maybe if she actually WORKS it, she would make some progress.

Thanks all. I felt like it was an excuse as well. That's why I didn't push it. When she is better I want to have a more serious talk. She is seeing both a counselor and psychiatrist so that is good. We did find her a potentially good sober living place, but it is also very far away from us. Thanks about the stickies. I've read them before but it has been awhile. I will do that again. Husband is on same page as me. We will figure out what is best for all of us and we know we don't have the answers right this moment.

I tried AA numerous times and I didn't care for it because they said I had to stop drinking.

It takes what it take for each of us to get sober. One thing is for certain you did cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it

Thank you. I'm sure you meant I didn't cause it :) I know that. This isn't the first time we have been involved so I know the serious sober person vs the not really wanting to quit. Doesn't mean I know it all, but I can def see some difference. I'm hoping that will help guide me tomorrow. She has never said anything to me before about being sick of AA so I chalk it up to an excuse. I know she was feeling miserable at the moment though so I look forward to seeing her attitude when she is past the worst of it.

Yes didn't.

One thing concerns me is you are trying to fix her. Her getting sober is up to her. This is her deal. You can be loving supportive and helpful but she has to take the lead.

You set a hard boundary and she broke it Now she will have to deal with the consequences.

You are right. I can't fix her. It's up to her.

menhen....I just want to say that this stuff is so much harder when it is a blood relative.
You have my sympathy on this.

dandylion

Im sorry to hear about your sister. Addiction is a chronic relapsing condition and its not uncommon for relapse in the early stages especially if there is unusual stress. When my husband was in rehab they told us that a relapse could possibly signify the need for additional treatment. I know you stated she didn’t want to return to inpatient, but there are also outpatient options probably in your local area; some of these are very good and also offer group support. Guidelines suggest looking for treatment that utilizes evidence based approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. I hope she doesn’t rule out more treatment if she doesn’t find improvement soon. Its really nothing to be ashamed of, and relapse doesn't represent failure.

In terms of her comments about AA; its possible that it doesn’t meet her needs or her likes.. and my feeling is that its really important for a person to feel good about what they are doing. Since she works in a Christian field I can see where she might have felt Celebrate Recovery was an ideal choice initially. AA is along the same lines as Celebrate Recovery except CR incorporates Christian principles into their program. She may change her mind and want to continue on with her current plan, but there are other programs available so I thought Id mention a few I know about.

Women for Sobriety, Inc.

Self Help Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

LifeRing - LifeRing

I wont add in all the links there are others like SOS, Rational Recovery (don’t think they have meetings) but we have a large group here at SR who use this program. ..Im sorry; Im just not familiar with all of the ones out there…

I know people in recovery who do use Smart recovery.. they follow along with the science of addiction and modify their program as new discoveries are made.. they offer various behavioral tools and in their meetings… people share, cross talk is allowed, they discuss how to use certain behavioral techniques, etc. They ask the individual to incorporate their own religious or spiritual beliefs into the program as they see fit; reminds me of how I incorporated my Christian beliefs into my personal therapy sessions..

I just wanted to share a few options as I know you asked for these in your post .. My husband went to rehab and then he made the choice not to use a program/group; instead he worked with an therapist who specialized in addiction medicine. So have heart.. there are lots of options for your sister. I hope she is able to find what will work best for her.

As a spouse, my therapist suggested I look into the Community Reinforcement and Family Training program. Its an approach that focuses on 2 parts.. the first is helping to support me; boundaries, understanding addiction, self care, what enabling is & isnt, coping skills.. and the second part also helps our loved one also because we focus on communication skills, and motivational approaches which support recovery.. CRAFT is based off of the CRA approach and motivational interviewing which are behavioral therapies. Family is the biggest support for many individuals but it can be challenging for us too.

This is a book recommendation: Beyond Addiction How Science and kindness Help People Change by Jeff Foote PhD, Nicole Kosanke PhD

I can understand why she is worn out with AA. AA is good for people for which AA is good for and not everyone. What one needs to find is other things in life besides drinking. Likely she needs definitely to find other living arrangements for both of your sakes and whether or not she loses the job in "the Chrisitian environment" will have nothing to do with her long term prospects and may even be an issue in her drinking. It would be mine.

I certainly hated AA for a while, felt incredible shame about going to meetings (although I didn't feel shame about drinking, or at least I don't remember it). It was do this or die so I persevered. Hey, fear works! AA works for me (23 years) but certainly not everyone. We alcoholics choose to drink or not drink. Perhaps she should ask herself if she prefers the DT's to AA. I don't know alternatives, nothing has a great success rate including AA.

I was looking for the "stickies" at the top of the page? I do not see anything that says "classic readings" on my page

It's at the top of the Forum index (the friends and family forum)

Friends and Family forum index

All the "stickies" are at the top.

I hope you find comfort and help for your family.

Thank you all for all the suggestions and advice. I will definitely look into these and talk to her about it. They ended up keeping her another night at the hospital and she should be discharged today. She sounded a lot better mentally yesterday so hopefully she will be willing to discuss her options and her plan.