gettingstronger

So, this is being brought up on another thread, but as it is a specific issue that I am struggling with, too, I thought I'd start a discussion in a new thread.

Confronting my AH -- when he's so blatantly lying to me, (as if he thinks I am so terribly stupid, I would never catch on), or when he openly defies something that we both have already agreed upon.

When I go to tell him I know the truth, I become terribly anxious inside. He knows I am weak in this way, so it gives him the freedom to just walk all over me. He isn't violent, but he is angry, curses and his voice makes me feel like I've been verbally/emotionally assaulted. So, I do what I have to to avoid dealing with him like that.

The other day, he just outright lied to me, and I couldn't call him on it in person, but sent an email. That was the best I could do.

How do I get stronger (like my name, here)?

LexieCat

Is there a POINT to confronting him? If you know he's lying, can you just act in accordance with what you know to be the truth?

Confrontations generally have a "winner" and a "loser." How much is it worth to you to "win"? What do you have to gain from it?

One saying I've heard "around the rooms" for many years is, "Would you rather be RIGHT? Or would you rather be HAPPY?"

suki44883

Our ego wants them to know that we are on to them; that they aren't fooling us like they believe they are. However, what good does that do? Are they magically going to stop lying to us? No, they will continue to lie because that is what they do.

If you know he is lying, then you have to decide what to do about it. You know what you know. You don't have to convince him that you know.

Refiner

I think you have to learn the tools that let his words roll off your back like water on a duck. That's what feeds these monsters... Your reaction. If you think it's alcohol causing the problems, then have you looked into Al Anon to learn some tools? For me my sister is NPD (AND a drunk) and I had to learn tools and eventually go No Contact to remove myself from her toxicity.

ladyscribbler

I don't think that being able to provoke a pointless confrontation is necessarily a sign of strength. I knew I was getting stronger when I was able to let go of my need to be right and to have outside corroboration on what I already knew to be true.
Pointing out my ex's lies never brought me peace, and it never brought him any closer to recovery. He chooses to live in an alternate reality to protect his alcoholism. I have chosen to let him stay there while I move on with my life. It was never my job to "make him see the light", and I subjected myself to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse before I learned that.
Once I let go of the things that didn't matter (like his version of reality) and saved my strength for the important stuff like enforcing my boundaries (I will not tolerate abuse, I will not live in a home with active alcoholism, etc.) my life got much happier.

ErinGoBragh

My husband lived a lie. To his dying day, he really didn't believe he was an alcoholic. He was seeing a counselor and a support group the last year of his life to help him deal with his "chronic depression" and "anxiety."

No doubt my AH WAS depressed and angry. He had that prior to becoming a full-blown alcoholic. But the booze exacerbated what was already there by 1000%.

He never saw that. And I remember how I almost drove myself crazy calling him on his lies and half-truths. Eventually, I just shrugged it off and realized they are all part of the insanity that goes with alcoholism.

Be kind to yourself. You can't make sense of nonsense and you cannot have a rational discussion with someone who unfortunately, is rather insane.

Refiner

Meow what you wrote is so profound. Thank you!

ForeverAlways

I spent years letting my AH know every time I knew he was drunk or lying to me. His lip would curl up on one side. What did it get me? Nothing. I ended up feeling bad that I constantly kept the cycle up. I stopped at some point but I did that for years.

Rosalba

Confronting an A is like trusting a A not to drink - a hide into nothing, which will seriously upset your own equilibrium but not affect the outcome.

In our Alanon group, a newcomer protested that not confronting her partner when he'd been drinking meant that 'He was getting away with it!' But of course he isn't - as his poor, long-suffering liver could testify.

I've found it useful to question why I'd want to - would confronting him have stopped him drinking again? Or changed him into a nicer person? Or made him more reliable?

Hardly! Though it would have pretty much guaranteed a soul-destroying, crushing, debilitating row.

For me, getting stronger meant stopping feeling like a victim, and getting on with my OWN life, no matter what. It meant that I stopped trying to co-operate with him on matters where his failure to deliver would have serious fallout... and meant, ultimately, that I focused purely on my own future - a future in which he would have no part.

healthyagain

Confronting him is a waste of time, believe me. Then you put him on defensive, and then the monster comes out.

When mine does something bad, I use it as an inspiration to detach. It is like having an imaginary jar of detachment steps. Well, mine got full.

Next week, I'll be paying my first attorney instalment.

dandylion

gettingstronger....when I learned that I could detach and just let the lies or the quacking and his rewriting of reality just roll off my back..... it no longer felt like he was "getting away with something".....it was more like I was deliciously "Getting on with something".
I knew that I was on my way to freedom and that he would sink up to his neck by his own devices.
Plus....the weight of having to go through another screaming match was lifted from my shoulders. (it takes 2 people to have an argument). Just because you are not confronting another person doesn't mean that they are "right" and you are "wrong".

I do think it helps to get to the place where you finally realize (accept) that you are not going to change him.

You may have to lower the bar a great deal--lower your expectations of him.
Do not EXPECT him to tell the truth (he can't, anyway).
Do not depend on him

You know the truth. Conduct your life and base your actions on that truth.

dandylion

searching peace

I have just begun to be able to detach and so it doesn't bother me what he says or does anymore. And in my experience when I tried to let my stbxah know that I knew and he wasn't fooling me or set the record straight, it was as if I wanted him to fully realize what he was doing and be able to have a rational and logical response and "snap out of it". Never happened! It is not like a conversation with someone that is normal, the A just won't "get it" and even if they did "get it" they would deny it. If the A is blame shifting and making you feel badly, then it takes the focus of the wrong doing off of them. In my experience it is very much a bully mentality of my stbxah. I hope you are able to let go soon and be able to detach, not for your A but for your sake. Take care of yourself, and try to be satisfied with what you know to be the truth.

NYCDoglvr

Both!

If you think confronting an alcoholic will make a difference, it won't. Isn't the question more like "is this the life you choose for yourself?" If it isn't, what are your options? Well, you'll find wonderful support at Alanon.

fluffyflea

It's fairly hopeless confronting them. They'll just keep on with the behaviour anyways.

NWGRITS

You don't. It's an exercise in futility. Your time and energy would be better spent in Al-Anon figuring out what kind of life you want for yourself, and then working to achieve that.

Aeryn

Oh this brings up old old memories....the only reason to "face the dragon" so to speak is if you're doing it for you and can let his reaction go. So when I confronted it was for me not for him.....and his reaction was of no consequence to me....I had issues with speaking up so for me the confrontation was to get over that fear.

The A when drinking will never be reasonable or rational so to confront him for the sake of conversation or a response is as the others said in my experience an exercise in futility.

cookiesncream

Lots of great advice already given here. Coming from the side of someone in recovery it is my experience that most people in active addiction have lied on at least one occasion, some more frequently than others. I'm certainly not proud of this fact but I think that accepting this piece as part of what people who drink do and a whole part of the package of things you can't control. I don't "think" I was a constant liar but I remember one distinct time when my s/o followed me into a liquor store and actually asked me what I was buying and I said gum (a LIE) and was asked if I really needed to get gum in a liquor store. He knew I was lying, I knew I was lying but frankly at that time I wasn't ready to quit. There are numerous instance like this I regretfully can think of and calling me out time and time again so long as he was willing to tolerate my bad behavior was a small price to pay. I regret doing many things and these are among them. That said being right will likely get you nowhere but feeling like you're going crazy. In my situation what DID work was when he had ENOUGH and set some very firm boundaries in place "I will NOT live with an active alcoholic" and "sobriety or the door." It worked for me and since that boundary was put in place I haven't had a drink since. I really think that you folks going through the ringer in retrospect really would be best served by getting support (either a therapist, Al-Anon, or other groups for friends and family), and drawing your lines, and plan on STICKING by whatever lines you set. If you do this and they are crossed at least you know where you stand and you can choose to leave or stay but at least it puts an end to the games we put you through.

Peace,

Cookies

velma929

Confronting an alcoholic that lies is like confronting any other liar.

he or she will just deny it or lie again, and you'll just end up infuriated.

knowthetriggers

My suggestion - Silence is golden.