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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
New here
Hi everyone, first time here. Look forward to meeting you all! I am currently living with my alcoholic husband. He hasn't had any formal treatment yet. I think Im mainly looking for somewhere to be able to talk as my friends and fmily are not really fully aware of the situation and how miserable life is at home for me, well, and him. He is not going to work, hasnt for years properly. Most days i get in from my job and find him drunk in bed, curtains drawn and the place stinking of beer and cigarettes. Ive tried talking to his mum but she gets just so upset its difficult for me.
I'm so worried that his abusive behaviour is eventually going to drive me so crazy I'll break. I work all day without hearing from him and dread opening the door when I get in. WE have a doctors appt this coming Tuesday when Ill be begging for help, please wish me luck as this abusive lifestyle is the absolute pits, all I want is peace and quiet and a well,happy husband.
Thanks for listening and hope you all have a great weekend
LL
I'm so worried that his abusive behaviour is eventually going to drive me so crazy I'll break. I work all day without hearing from him and dread opening the door when I get in. WE have a doctors appt this coming Tuesday when Ill be begging for help, please wish me luck as this abusive lifestyle is the absolute pits, all I want is peace and quiet and a well,happy husband.
Thanks for listening and hope you all have a great weekend
LL
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi LL, Welcome to SR. It's not much of a life for you is it? When you say his behaviour is abusive, do you mean more that what you described, or is he verbally or physically abusive.
You've managed to get him to agree to a doctor's appointment, which is hopeful. Has he shown any willingness to go into treatment?
You don't say whether you have any children living at home. If so an atmosphere of drunkeness and smoking indoors can't be good for them or you.
Is there an Al-anon meeting near you? Al-anon is for family and friends, not the alcoholic and you will find many people who have been through this.
You've managed to get him to agree to a doctor's appointment, which is hopeful. Has he shown any willingness to go into treatment?
You don't say whether you have any children living at home. If so an atmosphere of drunkeness and smoking indoors can't be good for them or you.
Is there an Al-anon meeting near you? Al-anon is for family and friends, not the alcoholic and you will find many people who have been through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
Thank for the reply!
No children at home, we did try years ago but his drinking put a stop to that! The abuse is verbal, very very loud verbal abuse that can last for hours..he says the worst things imaginable to me which is obviously deeply unpleasant but also disturbs my sleep, and ,I imagine that of our neighbours! He also likes smashing/breaking things which I also deem as abuse. He theatens to break my phone/computer regularly so I cant work. He threatens to go to my place of work to tell them 'what Im really like'.
I summoned up the courage to attend an Al-anon meeting recently, only to be bitterly disapointed to arrive and find the meeting wasnt taking place and no sign of it ever having been at that paticular venue, this really knocked my self esteem as I was so hopeful for support from them.
Im so sick of the shouting, the treading on egg shells, not to mention paying for everything, doing all the housework etc etc.. Im meant to be studying in the evenings at the moment but his lifestyle is preventing that as I just cant concentrate with all his shouting. Counting the days till Tuesday. Hope fully the doc will be able to discuss options..AH has had some treatment before but missed most of his appts so was discharged..it wasnt doing him any good anyway as far as I could see..it was a form of acupuncture.
Thanks for reading.
No children at home, we did try years ago but his drinking put a stop to that! The abuse is verbal, very very loud verbal abuse that can last for hours..he says the worst things imaginable to me which is obviously deeply unpleasant but also disturbs my sleep, and ,I imagine that of our neighbours! He also likes smashing/breaking things which I also deem as abuse. He theatens to break my phone/computer regularly so I cant work. He threatens to go to my place of work to tell them 'what Im really like'.
I summoned up the courage to attend an Al-anon meeting recently, only to be bitterly disapointed to arrive and find the meeting wasnt taking place and no sign of it ever having been at that paticular venue, this really knocked my self esteem as I was so hopeful for support from them.
Im so sick of the shouting, the treading on egg shells, not to mention paying for everything, doing all the housework etc etc.. Im meant to be studying in the evenings at the moment but his lifestyle is preventing that as I just cant concentrate with all his shouting. Counting the days till Tuesday. Hope fully the doc will be able to discuss options..AH has had some treatment before but missed most of his appts so was discharged..it wasnt doing him any good anyway as far as I could see..it was a form of acupuncture.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi, I'm pretty new here too. Nice to meet you.
That sounds like such an awful way to live, I don't know how you can stand to be in the same house as him. That's good of you to come along to his appointment, did he call the doctor for help? In other words, is it his decision to stop drinking? I hope so.
Good luck with it all, this forum has helped me so much in such a short space of time (a couple of weeks). I'm sure you'll find the same.
That sounds like such an awful way to live, I don't know how you can stand to be in the same house as him. That's good of you to come along to his appointment, did he call the doctor for help? In other words, is it his decision to stop drinking? I hope so.
Good luck with it all, this forum has helped me so much in such a short space of time (a couple of weeks). I'm sure you'll find the same.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
I have made the doc appt. My MIL has told AH so many times that he is suffering from depression that he thinks he is consulting the doc for that. I certainly think he is depressed and has been for a long time but that is obviously not the only problm now. I think he would recoil in terror if he was told he could never drink again.
I keep reading online that wives of alcoholics are meant to 'treat them with love' and 'not nag' them. I did try this technique yesterday when he turned up drunk to collect me from work in MY car and did end up with a more peacful eveng than usual. So I can now never leave him with my car keys.
One of the things I REALLY hate is when he gets out of bed 8-9pm he is so beligerent, and sits there eyeing me suspiciously like IVE done something wrong..
these days anything will trigger a kick off..putting the washing machine on for example.
Where has the lovely sweetheart I married gone? I only see him about eight days a month at present
I keep reading online that wives of alcoholics are meant to 'treat them with love' and 'not nag' them. I did try this technique yesterday when he turned up drunk to collect me from work in MY car and did end up with a more peacful eveng than usual. So I can now never leave him with my car keys.
One of the things I REALLY hate is when he gets out of bed 8-9pm he is so beligerent, and sits there eyeing me suspiciously like IVE done something wrong..
these days anything will trigger a kick off..putting the washing machine on for example.
Where has the lovely sweetheart I married gone? I only see him about eight days a month at present
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi LL I'm so glad u found This site but sry for what brought u here. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do for him and he must want to get help, no one else can do it for him. And if he's "terrified" to never drink again the chances of him recovering are slim. They usually have to hit rock bottom until they want and seek help. If you are carrying the load anyway, what is preventing you from getting away from his abuse? I sure hope you realize that you deserve better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi LL, the posters from the US time zone will be along soon. It's such a pity about the Al-anon meeting. I know how hard it can be to summon up the courage to go to a meeting when you're feeling so vulnerable.
Your internet reading may have missed out on the part about enabling, which is when you make up the deficiencies of the A's life to the point where they have no incentive to stop drinking. This might include doing things for them that they can do for themselves, like making appointments, driving and collecting them, looking up recovery options, covering for them with work or family, giving them money for alcohol and cigarettes etc. Read as much as you can of the stickies at the top of the F & F of Alcoholics forum to get a better idea.
I'm really concerned that you are suffering from abuse and threatening behaviour. Is there a Domestic Violence help line you can call? You do qualify. DV doesn't have to be physical to suck the life out of you.
I'm wondering what you are getting from your marriage?
Your internet reading may have missed out on the part about enabling, which is when you make up the deficiencies of the A's life to the point where they have no incentive to stop drinking. This might include doing things for them that they can do for themselves, like making appointments, driving and collecting them, looking up recovery options, covering for them with work or family, giving them money for alcohol and cigarettes etc. Read as much as you can of the stickies at the top of the F & F of Alcoholics forum to get a better idea.
I'm really concerned that you are suffering from abuse and threatening behaviour. Is there a Domestic Violence help line you can call? You do qualify. DV doesn't have to be physical to suck the life out of you.
I'm wondering what you are getting from your marriage?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
I know I am enabling him by paying the bills, rent, well everything. I never give him money but whilst I am paying for everything else I may as well be giving him beer money. His debts are piling up however.
I just dont know what to do. I cant kick him out on to the street, although I read that this is what most people wind up doing. We love each other still, there are still some good times..I married him for a reason and dont want to give up on him yet
I just dont know what to do. I cant kick him out on to the street, although I read that this is what most people wind up doing. We love each other still, there are still some good times..I married him for a reason and dont want to give up on him yet
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Small steps. Perhaps for now change your focus from the end story to where you are now in the present. Kicking him out or separating doesn't work for you. Got it.
In this kind of situation its hard to offer up advice because its an unlivable situation and you aren't willing to remove the instigator. Your husband is abusive which adds a different layer to dealing with. His behavior has jailed you. You fear he may come to your work and "tell them how you really are". In reality I doubt this would do much of anything unless he went cray cray and started shouting and making a scene. So, you got that on your plate.
He threatens to break your phone and computer, check. His behavior keeps you from being able to work at night, check. Keeps you from sleeping at night, check. You dread coming home, check.
Ok - so right now the question is how do you alleviate this for yourself without kicking him out which you aren't going to do?
I'd say the first plan you need to make is an exit plan for yourself should things become out of control (which sounds they already are) rather than developing an exit plan for AH (i.e. kicking him out). Is there a friend or family member YOU can stay with? This way AH stays in the house and you get some peace.
Sorry for what you are going through. Here we have Domestic Violence hotlines which are confidential. Is there anything like that in the UK? Speaking with them is a great idea they can offer some perspective and ideas for how to deal with this situation.
I hope the doctor is helpful, but not sure it will be. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. Post often there is lots of support here for you.
In this kind of situation its hard to offer up advice because its an unlivable situation and you aren't willing to remove the instigator. Your husband is abusive which adds a different layer to dealing with. His behavior has jailed you. You fear he may come to your work and "tell them how you really are". In reality I doubt this would do much of anything unless he went cray cray and started shouting and making a scene. So, you got that on your plate.
He threatens to break your phone and computer, check. His behavior keeps you from being able to work at night, check. Keeps you from sleeping at night, check. You dread coming home, check.
Ok - so right now the question is how do you alleviate this for yourself without kicking him out which you aren't going to do?
I'd say the first plan you need to make is an exit plan for yourself should things become out of control (which sounds they already are) rather than developing an exit plan for AH (i.e. kicking him out). Is there a friend or family member YOU can stay with? This way AH stays in the house and you get some peace.
Sorry for what you are going through. Here we have Domestic Violence hotlines which are confidential. Is there anything like that in the UK? Speaking with them is a great idea they can offer some perspective and ideas for how to deal with this situation.
I hope the doctor is helpful, but not sure it will be. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. Post often there is lots of support here for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Liverpoollady.....I am sorry for the current atmosphere in your home. It really is abuse to you---even if you have never thought about it in those "terms" before.
It must be taking a terrible toll on your own physical and mental health.
He may well be depressed and self-treating with the alcohol. The sticky wicket is that the depression can't be treated while he is still drinking. It doesn't work that way.
Alcoholism is progressive...so it gets worse over time. So, this may be as good as it is going to be.
Sooner or later it comes down to self-preservation, for you. How much can you take....how much are you willing to take....
I am sure that you never WANTED it to come this. We just have to deal with life as it presents itself.
Doing whatever you have to do to save yourself is not giving up--it is simply letting go of an intolerable situation. We all have the right to take care of ourselves.
dandylion
It must be taking a terrible toll on your own physical and mental health.
He may well be depressed and self-treating with the alcohol. The sticky wicket is that the depression can't be treated while he is still drinking. It doesn't work that way.
Alcoholism is progressive...so it gets worse over time. So, this may be as good as it is going to be.
Sooner or later it comes down to self-preservation, for you. How much can you take....how much are you willing to take....
I am sure that you never WANTED it to come this. We just have to deal with life as it presents itself.
Doing whatever you have to do to save yourself is not giving up--it is simply letting go of an intolerable situation. We all have the right to take care of ourselves.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Welcome. I'm also pretty new and am dealing with an AH that I love & worry about. I consider putting him out one day & then the next day I wonder how I ever considered such a thing... until the next day I'm back to wanting him out. On and on, round and round.
I don't have any helpful advice for you at this point, but I will say that this site has been the most helpful place I've ever been. The ladies/gentlemen here are wise & non-judgmental and you will find that they are empathetic and understand what you are going through in a way that so many others just can't. And even when you don't post, reading about others' struggles lets you see that you are certainly not alone in this.
Hang in there.
I don't have any helpful advice for you at this point, but I will say that this site has been the most helpful place I've ever been. The ladies/gentlemen here are wise & non-judgmental and you will find that they are empathetic and understand what you are going through in a way that so many others just can't. And even when you don't post, reading about others' struggles lets you see that you are certainly not alone in this.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by Liverpoollady 
I know I am enabling him by paying the bills, rent, well everything. I never give him money but whilst I am paying for everything else I may as well be giving him beer money. His debts are piling up however.
I just dont know what to do. I cant kick him out on to the street, although I read that this is what most people wind up doing. We love each other still, there are still some good times..I married him for a reason and dont want to give up on him yet
I just dont know what to do. I cant kick him out on to the street, although I read that this is what most people wind up doing. We love each other still, there are still some good times..I married him for a reason and dont want to give up on him yet
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
welcome to SR.
You will find lots of strength support and hope here.
I am glad you found us but as others have already said I am sorry for the reasons you are here.
You may find this information useful also www.nationalviolencedomestichelpline.org.uk they have a 24 hour hotline so write it down and keep it with you and it's there if you need it.
The phone number is 0808 2000 247.
I do hope you can find an Al Anon meeting close to you soon.
SR. and Alanon keep me sane.
Take care Phiz
You will find lots of strength support and hope here.
I am glad you found us but as others have already said I am sorry for the reasons you are here.
You may find this information useful also www.nationalviolencedomestichelpline.org.uk they have a 24 hour hotline so write it down and keep it with you and it's there if you need it.
The phone number is 0808 2000 247.
I do hope you can find an Al Anon meeting close to you soon.
SR. and Alanon keep me sane.
Take care Phiz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
LP- Welcome. This is a wonderful place to seek advice, read or just listen.
You are right, you are going around in circles. What you need to do is just read and educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. Try and find another alanon meeting in your area. they are wonderful. If not hit the alanon web sites and read what they say, there slogans, the daily readings, this will help you get through your day.
What will will happen, if you keep "working" a program, you will get healthier, and he won't. With that said, he can see how you are changing and change himself, or he wont. But you will get strong enough to make decisions on the future of your marriage and act on them. Alanon recommends that you not make any decisions the first 6 months of the program. Because what you do now, you might regret 6 months from now.
We are no different then you, we all love an Alcoholic. We are just in different states of our recovery. Keep reading, ask questions, hit an open AA meeting or go on the A's forum. The more you work your program, the faster you life will get a little brighter.
((((((((hugs my friend, you are at the right place)))))))))))))
You are right, you are going around in circles. What you need to do is just read and educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. Try and find another alanon meeting in your area. they are wonderful. If not hit the alanon web sites and read what they say, there slogans, the daily readings, this will help you get through your day.
What will will happen, if you keep "working" a program, you will get healthier, and he won't. With that said, he can see how you are changing and change himself, or he wont. But you will get strong enough to make decisions on the future of your marriage and act on them. Alanon recommends that you not make any decisions the first 6 months of the program. Because what you do now, you might regret 6 months from now.
We are no different then you, we all love an Alcoholic. We are just in different states of our recovery. Keep reading, ask questions, hit an open AA meeting or go on the A's forum. The more you work your program, the faster you life will get a little brighter.
((((((((hugs my friend, you are at the right place)))))))))))))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there,
Sorry to hear about the Al-Anon meeting. I suggest you call the local office there and find out where there's a group that is really meeting. Some groups are better than others about keeping their meeting info updated.
I also suggest that you contact your local women's shelter and connect with a counselor/advocate. Most places here in the US you would be able to get a protective order that would require HIM to leave. Verbal abuse can escalate to physical violence--you need a good safety plan, as was already suggested. Someone from the shelter should be able to help you with that. You need and deserve a peaceful home.
Sorry to hear about the Al-Anon meeting. I suggest you call the local office there and find out where there's a group that is really meeting. Some groups are better than others about keeping their meeting info updated.
I also suggest that you contact your local women's shelter and connect with a counselor/advocate. Most places here in the US you would be able to get a protective order that would require HIM to leave. Verbal abuse can escalate to physical violence--you need a good safety plan, as was already suggested. Someone from the shelter should be able to help you with that. You need and deserve a peaceful home.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 10
Hi Liverpool, Welcome I myself just joined today. I am sorry you are going through this. I wanted to suggest you that are Al Anon phone bridge meetings and they are held everyday. All, you have ti do is call on the conference line and enter your code. You can find the telephone number,on,google. Those meetinga are also very good. I myself like face to face interaction and try to attend the meetings in person but have been staying with my parents so haven't been,able to attend my regular meetings. So, I tried the phone meetings and they are goid too. Good luck to you and maybe the doctor can get through to your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: London,UK
Posts: 17
Wow I'm overwhelmed with all your replies and support, thank you so much! I'll try the local al anon meeting again and hope it is on this time! Otherwsie it means travelling quite a distance to find another which also may not be there 
There are no phone meetings here in the UK. To be honest having googled their slogans I am pretty put off by all the God stuff, and a bit bewildered why I need to recover and not him..but will give it a go as it seems pretty much all of you are saying its the best way forward.
Thank again everyone and I hope you are all enjoying your weekends
There are no phone meetings here in the UK. To be honest having googled their slogans I am pretty put off by all the God stuff, and a bit bewildered why I need to recover and not him..but will give it a go as it seems pretty much all of you are saying its the best way forward.Thank again everyone and I hope you are all enjoying your weekends
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Sutton Bonington, Loughborough
Posts: 43
Hi liverpoollady,
your experiences are similar to mine, but my partner is nearly at the end of rehab with a pin-***** of light at the end of the tunnel. I've been to two al-anon meetings and I'm not religious one bit. The God is just a word for anything that means something to you. It could be an object, it could be a family member that has passed on. Anything. You will be made to feel welcome instantly. I had reservations but they are just people in pretty much the same boat. I wish you well !
your experiences are similar to mine, but my partner is nearly at the end of rehab with a pin-***** of light at the end of the tunnel. I've been to two al-anon meetings and I'm not religious one bit. The God is just a word for anything that means something to you. It could be an object, it could be a family member that has passed on. Anything. You will be made to feel welcome instantly. I had reservations but they are just people in pretty much the same boat. I wish you well !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi LL your situation is very similar to mine too.
My AH did go to the doctors and he was referred to a detox facility, counselling and AA. The detox facility had a family support section and they offered me counselling too. I was rather taken aback that they thought I would need counselling as I thought it was my husband who needed the help!
However he didn't keep up with the meetings and fell quickly back into drinking heavily. I loved him so much and I tried to stop him and that was when he left me. It was then that I got back in touch with the family support at the detox centre and got counselling and joined a group support. I started to find out all I could about alcoholism...I went on a steep learning curve. I have to say that I am now rather worried about me drinking wine so be careful!
I have found SR to be a fantastic support, let us know how it goes at the doctors.....
My AH did go to the doctors and he was referred to a detox facility, counselling and AA. The detox facility had a family support section and they offered me counselling too. I was rather taken aback that they thought I would need counselling as I thought it was my husband who needed the help!
However he didn't keep up with the meetings and fell quickly back into drinking heavily. I loved him so much and I tried to stop him and that was when he left me. It was then that I got back in touch with the family support at the detox centre and got counselling and joined a group support. I started to find out all I could about alcoholism...I went on a steep learning curve. I have to say that I am now rather worried about me drinking wine so be careful!
I have found SR to be a fantastic support, let us know how it goes at the doctors.....
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