Liverpoollady

Thanks Martina. Hope that is the path our doc reccomends on Tuesday, I will certainly let you know.
Sorry to hear your story. How long ago was this and how are you now?

redatlanta

There are plenty of Atheists who attend Al Anon as stated already GOD is just a word used for your personal higher power.

Yeah its an odd concept about needing to go to a "meeting" when you aren't the alcoholic. I certainly battled it when I first came on here in fact I was offended that people were telling me that I needed to go.

I did go eventually more out of desperation and still looking for that magic pill to make my RAH stop drinking. What I found was that I had my own issues. Codependency and enabling even though I didn't think I was codependent or enabling. The level of which I was attempting to manage my husbands drinking was not good. The walking on eggshells business, looking for alcohol, trying to somehow control the amount he was drinking, avoiding outside business/social engagements so I could be at home to "monitor" what was going on, avoiding friends and family because I didn't want them to guess how bad it was, not doing the things I wanted to be doing because I was too busy trying to manage the alcoholic.

All the above and more is codependent behavior. Our minds tell us this is what we "have" to do we don't have a choice. If we don't do it the world will spin off its axis.

The purpose of Al Anon is support of other people going through the same thing and to identify and change codependent and enabling behavior. Its really not about the alcoholic in your life its about how the alcoholic is affecting yours.

LexieCat

Al-Anon recovery is for you, not him. Living with alcoholism, most of us developed some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. It can make anyone a bit crazy.

I don't think I'd go back to the meeting location you went to last time. Sometimes groups fold, and sometimes they change location. If you contact Al-Anon at the number listed on the website (which also has a list of local meetings for anywhere in the UK), they should be able to help you find one that is still meeting.

maia1234

Lp- good question on why you need help, he is the alcoholic!!!!!!!

You will come to understand that u are as sick as he is. You become obsessed, controlling, angry, and out of control, without even realizing it. Alcohol is his addiction, and he has become yours. It's a terrible disease.

When you open your heart and realize The first step in aa is; that we admitted we were powerless over alcohol (alcoholic) and our lives had become unmanageable. No difference between us and the drinker.

Keep asking those questions, you are on the right path for serenity. ((((((Hugs))))))

Liverpoollady

Ok, I have called Al anon and got a direct number for my nearest group so I can check the status before setting off again.( It is the same place I tried before) The lady at the end of the helpline even said there aren't many local to me..unless I take a day off work to attend which I can't do as a self employed person.
I dont currently shy away from social occassions, even when he has let me down re a family event or such, I still go along and enjoy the evening. I spend time with friends, not as much as I'd like but who does in these busy times? I am lucky in that I absolutely love my job which I am very committed to.
I think I'm going to need abit of time to absorb your comments re my being as sick as he is, that's an awful lot to get your head around.
Thanks everyone for all your support
Lots of love L.L

dandylion

LiverpoolLady.....this reminds me of the story about a woman who was struck by a speeding auto. When the ambulance arrived, she was told by the attendants that her leg was broken and that they were taking her to the hospital.
She protested: "Why do I have to go to the hospital when he was the one who caused this?! Take him--it is his fault!!!!!!!!

dandylion

maia1234

That was great Dandy!!! Love that one!!

LexieCat

Well, I think "as sick as he is" is open to interpretation. I'd venture to say most of us aren't quite as dysfunctional as someone who's drinking his brains out. Still, it's very easy to overlook how affected we ARE by living with active alcoholism. Our problems can creep up very slowly, and they are reinforced by our frustrating interactions with someone who truly isn't in his/her right might much or all of the time.

And you don't have to be desperately miserable to benefit from Al-Anon. It's a relief for most of us just to be in the company of others who totally GET what we are living with. The focus, though, in Al-Anon isn't on the alcoholic, it's on what we can do to improve our own lives, whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not.

Duckygirl1

Hello dear and welcome. So sorry to see you are living in this prison right now. Detaching is a tool, but it doesn't prevent violence. Please above all things protect yourself first and foremost. Have a "bug out bag" packed with some cash, clothes and a few essentials. Keep it in your car or at a friends house if you have to. As you read posts you will see that we all may not agree on everything, but this we know. It only gets worse if they don't get help. ((((Hugs)))

Liverpoollady

Thanks all again for your messages and support.
We have been to see our doctor, both AH and I. AH was fairly honest with the doc, said he hasnt been able to quit drinking yet, that he drinks to fill a void etc..doc suggested treatment as an inpatient at a local-ish clinic which would mean a stay of 5- 10 days. Although I was expecting this result, AH wasn't and is pretty shocked. In bed after a beer now though (of course) but he hasn't re-acted TOO badly considering how ill prepared he was.
Treatment will be voluntary and he can leave at anytime if he wants to. Doc has referred him, AH has to decide if he will go.
I don't know a lot about this kind of thin in terms of sucess rates, or anything really.
L.L

martina12

Hi LL your Dr has made a referral...great! now you both need to make a decision? Its hard I know...to help you in yours please read up all you can on alcoholism..from there you can help yourself and make your own decision. For your husband he needs to make that decision himself and take it from there...you are just at the start of your journey towards potential healing...its a long road ahead but you can do it...

firebolt

On the 'us being sick thing'.... I didn't believe it either for a while. I am a smart, strong, funny, independent, healthy, well-rounded and put together woman.

Then it registered to me that if I wasn't sick, I wouldn't be with my alcoholic boyfriend. If I wasn't sick, my previous partners would not have been addicts. If I wasn't sick, my boss wouldn't be an addict. If I wasn't sick, half of my friends wouldn't be addicts.

I am sick because I have set up a life for myself full of other sick people. Healthy attracts healthy, and the healthy people in my life are the ones that I have put the least effort into maintaining relationships with.

Why?!

Well, that's where Al-anon, Craft, and or therapy come into play. They help us fix that, so we can have happier, healthier and more peaceful lives that are free or semi free of addiction and all of the misery that comes from relationships with addicts. We are sick because we stay with sick people. Healthy people don't stay with sick people, or stay with people that abuse them.

Just sending you strength and peace. I'm sorry for the reasons you've found yourself here....but you are in a place of understanding and empathy.

FeelingGreat

Hi LL, what does he have to lose? It seems like a fairly short program considering how embedded his behaviour is, but could well be a turning point for his awareness. And he's not anti, which is good.

Have you thought about what you'll do if he refuses to go?