To people with children .....
 

I spoke to my daughter today, the one that had filed a restraining order against me. I can't get really involved with this, because she will file another RO against me.

Is it normal for a 9 year old boy to scream and take a temper tantrum when told to take a bath? I overheard this on the phone today.

Oh hell yeah.

Kids either love or hate the bath.

If they hate it, it's the devils own job getting them in there and clean and out etc.

My 3 girls love the bath now, but one of them used to put a good tantrum every time for years. She rubbed shampoo in her eyes once and after that.... It was all down hill and she has only just come good again.

My eleven year old boy still hates it.

It's very typical.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pr...M=w446-h191-nc

Especially when they are worn out and tired at the end of the day.

More info.... Their father apparently said he attempted suicide 2 years ago in las vegas. Said he planned to take a bath and throw a hair dryer into the tub. My daughter alleges she has lupus for over 5 years.

When I lived with her while she was on bed rest for a pregnancy, she was not diagnosed with lupus. Now she says they diagnosed her years ago with this.

I know this might not be the right forum to ask these questions... I just feel comfortable with the people here.

Is it even normal to be giving a nine, almost 10 year old a bath? I thought I remember at that age they did it themselves...

Thanks Hawk, I am going to try to keep that in mind, and go to sleep tonight. I'm just feeling really weirded out today.

IME, both the temper tantrum and needing help in the bath fall with-in the range of normal for a 9yo.

My 9yo showers himself, dries off, and gets dressed. I haven't had a problem with baths since my older two were toddlers. The only kids around 9 or 10 I knew who threw a real tantrum over something so ridiculous were the ones with lots of stress in the home. One of them would throw up if you put him in the shower. Dad's an emotionally abusive a-hole and mom's a codie. I don't know of any friends my son our daughter's age who still throw tantrums. They're supposed to age out of that around 5-ish, according to our psychologist.

Gotta say at 9 mine took care of themselves in the shower as well. But, if they are spoiled and not taught to do for themselves or have disabilities than I can see it happening. Keep in mind I won't say my kids got real clean all the time. But yes they took their own showers.

I'd feel silly helping a child in the bath who can make his own food, walk to school every day, and even stay home for short periods alone with clear instructions. This article is for the 6-8 age group, but it does say that at those ages, most children are good at bathing themselves. Developmental milestone: Self-care (ages 6 to 8) | BabyCenter

Really, tantrums are not a normal part of childhood from 6 on. If there's a real refusal or a fit being pitched in a child of 9 or so, I'd be thinking developmental delay, trauma, or parents who really, really need to back off and let the kid do something for themselves. At that age, kids are pretty self-sufficient (or should be). Even my 7yo can get a shower on her own. I stay nearby in case she needs something, but she's pretty good by herself.

I have three and occasionally there may be an issue from Miss Eight however it's usually because she is tired or hungry and not really to do with the bath itself!

She may occasionally need help with her curly hair if it has a few knots and tangles in but mostly she can bath and wash and brush her hair herself. Little assistance required. There is no trouble with Miss Ten atall.
All the best Phiz

All kids are different but my 7 year old bathes himself. About once a month I have to send him back in because he hasn't done a thorough job rinsing out his shampoo but otherwise he handles it all.

If the 9 year old knows about his Dad's bathtub suicide intention I could certainly understand that creating some trauma at bath time.

All 4 of my sons were showering on their own at that age and would have thrown a fit if I had tried to help them. They were already modest about mom "seeing" them. I can't say mine would throw a fit about showering, they loved water and looked at shower time more as a play time.

Huh. I'm kind of surprised by the responses. Goes to show that maybe I have no idea what normal is :P For reference by kids are 15, 13 and two 8yo's. They'll all be turning a year older soon.

I'm guessing there is at least some amount of stress in the house if there was a suicide attempt a couple of years ago so that will make some difference. I know zero about the full situation so my responses are for isolated behaviors.

My kids are high maintenance I guess. They certainly had tantrums past the age of 6/7. I don't mean lay in the floor, kick their feet and cry for not getting what they want - but loud outbursts, arguing or complaining. ADHD is a factor here but there are no developmental delays, traumas or undo stressors. I'm a single parent so there is that tick mark against them.

I turn the water on and add bubbles for their bath most nights and then go in and wash their hair. They do it on their own or do each others occasionally but they usually ask me to do it and I do - so that didn't raise a flag for me. I didn't realize it was so weird. I don't remember when my older kids quit asking but I can assure you they did, lol.

I have a quiet and compliant child too and was very pleased - then I went and had three more. Turns out I didn't really have all that much to do with it ;)

I have a 9 year old. She bathes and showers herself. No tantrums but on occasion has a fit when I tell her to stop what she is currently doing to go take the bath. So it may not be the bath itself, but not wanting to stop playing, come inside, etc. She's not big on fits though. However, they are all different that is for sure.

Can you just say, "Wow what's the rucus," or something like that and just make it sound very casual? As far as the lupus, there are specific tests for lupus that she would have to undertake for that diagnosis. My daughter was just tested recently, as was a friend of mine. I hope for her sake she does not have it.

Tight, tight hugs to you my friend.

Personally, I would stay out of it altogether. You heard something over the phone, it's not enough information to determine a pattern you have to take action on.

Time will reveal more. This is a dead end.

Yes. I'm getting caught up in the details and forgetting the bigger picture.

You were triggered by the noise in the background and it sounds like you have reason to worry about the stability of the family - in addition to having some history with your daughter. I hope you were able to get a decent nights sleep. I'm not seeing any way for you to approach your daughter about this that won't cause trouble and I just do not think the situation with the tantrum and bath are such a big deal that you need to intervene for his sake. I'm thinking the serenity prayer is your best approach here.

I am staying out of this one. The other Restraining Order against me was because she said I harrassed her by calling Div of Youth and Family Services. I didnt. I would prefer to hear about things like this so that I would know whats going on and then gently push her into getting the kids back to the psychologist. I just didn't know if this was normal or not.

Also with the lupus, she has had all the tests. There are specific markers for lupus, or MS, or other things, and she never did clearly meet the markers.

She told me that she was bedridden since Christmas with the lupus, and the only time that she made it out of the house was to go to 4 NJ Devils games. Now she wants to visit me for 3 days next week. I live 2 hours away from her, but she is now well enough to drive here, and be okay for 3 days.

I usually like it better when I am on her "black" list, then when she wants to be buddy buddy with me.

I probably have a different autoimmune disorder that's caused varying degrees of problems since I was a teenager. Different doctors have had different diagnosis and some say nothing is wrong with me at all. Most times no one would know, and my baseline of what "normal" feels like is often changing. I'll have periods of feeling really good, and other months or years of barely (or not] getting by. Sometimes it can be hours or a day or two that I feel suddenly terrible or temporarily well. Others often look at me, judge me, and think I'm lazy, a hypochondriac, etc. It gets old not having emotional support, but then again, dealing with this and codependency along with it, I'm a mess even though I don't usually show prominent signs of anything being wrong. This isn't their problem to listen to and not up to me to change their understanding or empathy. I'm finally learning to accept myself where I am.

A few weeks ago I was full of energy and doing well, this week I ache, I hurt, I'd rather crawl in hole and not come out. I slept for 11 hours last night. Many years I had no soreness, but many differing symptoms.

Autoimmune diseases can be difficult to diagnose and often have no completely definitive tests. Here's some info on lupus testing.

http://www.mollysfund.org/2013/01/di...d-lupus-tests/

You're allowed to define boundaries for your relationship with your daughter. She may not like them, but being consistent may provide you with peace in knowing you're taking good care of yourself. It's okay to protect yourself from her termoil. (((Hugs)))

My son hated baths because they were usually a precursor to bedtime. He could actually take a shower and still have dirty knees. Then somewhere around puberty he realized girls like guys who are clean. By 16 is was interviewing barbers and looking at their portfolios. By 18 he had his first Lord and Taylor credit card and a subscription to GQ. Now at 23 he's always impeccably turned out and what my crazy aunt called "open casket sharp".

You're little guy is 9. This too shall pass.

Is this unusual even if she was feeling ok? My hinky meter went off reading this for some reason... like she wants something from you.