It Still Bothers Me
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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It Still Bothers Me
Tonight while exchanging DD2, I start talking to my XAH. He's angry at me for asking him to put a verbal agreement into writing to be legally binding regarding our daughter. He says I was a bad wife because I didn't cook or clean. So after he says that, I find myself wanting to "show" him by scrubbing my house clean. I don't live with him anymore. It's crazy that I still allow that to get under my skin.
I realize, in large part to reading this forum regularly, that no matter what I did or didn't do well enough, in his opinion, doesn't mean that I'm not valuable or good enough. No matter how well I cooked or cleaned wouldn't have stopped him from drinking, having an affair, and getting his girlfriend pregnant in the weeks following the birth of our daughter. Those were his choices. His behavior is his choice. I need to learn to stop trying to justify my worth to him. No matter what I do now, he will never know how much I loved him.
But I do know I can't trust his word. And I do know that an alcoholic who cuts back on the drinking isn't in recovery. IT still bothers me that someone I was once so committed to sees me as worthless. How do I just stop caring AT ALL? I know it's not true but it doesn't stop me from crying on the way home.
I realize, in large part to reading this forum regularly, that no matter what I did or didn't do well enough, in his opinion, doesn't mean that I'm not valuable or good enough. No matter how well I cooked or cleaned wouldn't have stopped him from drinking, having an affair, and getting his girlfriend pregnant in the weeks following the birth of our daughter. Those were his choices. His behavior is his choice. I need to learn to stop trying to justify my worth to him. No matter what I do now, he will never know how much I loved him.
But I do know I can't trust his word. And I do know that an alcoholic who cuts back on the drinking isn't in recovery. IT still bothers me that someone I was once so committed to sees me as worthless. How do I just stop caring AT ALL? I know it's not true but it doesn't stop me from crying on the way home.
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Originally Posted by pookielou 
Tonight while exchanging DD2, I start talking to my XAH. He's angry at me for asking him to put a verbal agreement into writing to be legally binding regarding our daughter. He says I was a bad wife because I didn't cook or clean.
Cry for him, because he's trapped in a soul that doesn't know how to value another person. That's sad.
Even sadder, he's treating you that way because he doesn't value himself.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Pookielou:
When ever my AH sees that I am gaining some self respect he will through a comment in about my housekeeping skills. His mom had a housekeeper and their home was immaculate. Of course, nobody in the house could ever sit on their bed, eat other than meal times.....
I keep a clean house, he just knows it hurts and causes me distress if something negative is said about my house. Sigh, I think he is just trying to bring you down. He sees your gaining strength.
When ever my AH sees that I am gaining some self respect he will through a comment in about my housekeeping skills. His mom had a housekeeper and their home was immaculate. Of course, nobody in the house could ever sit on their bed, eat other than meal times.....
I keep a clean house, he just knows it hurts and causes me distress if something negative is said about my house. Sigh, I think he is just trying to bring you down. He sees your gaining strength.
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When my XAH feels like getting nasty with me, he tells me I'm controlling and crazy just like my mother, which he knows pushes all of my primal buttons. But guess who between us has actual unchecked mental health issues and all the controlling quirks that go with it?
He's probing your boundaries to make sure he still has an effect on you. What he thinks about you -- what this degenerate, cheating, active alcoholic thinks about you -- should have no bearing on your self-worth. He might take a look in the mirror instead of projecting his negative feelings on you.
He's probing your boundaries to make sure he still has an effect on you. What he thinks about you -- what this degenerate, cheating, active alcoholic thinks about you -- should have no bearing on your self-worth. He might take a look in the mirror instead of projecting his negative feelings on you.
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