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Why am i still angry

Old 03-19-2015, 01:32 PM
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Why am i still angry

I still feel anger towards my ex even though I try channeling it out through healthy ways it's still there? I know I can't force myself to get over it as the world would wish me too but some days and some very early mornings I have flash backs of the cheating the stealing and the lieing and him and his new life and I feel so angry.
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Old 03-19-2015, 02:03 PM
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I get this too, I try to do as much as I for me...but find myself ruminating over the details of the relationship and all the crap XABF pulled....every dumb thing he said. I have dreams about it and wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Uhhh.

I feel like somehow, everything I ever SUSPECTED during the time I was in the relationship is now confirmed.
Wish I could just erase the memories.

I guess it comes in time, and with consistent practice???
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Old 03-19-2015, 02:23 PM
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Time- I would say is the ultimate healer with this type of stuff. I hear a lot of the old timers say it gets sooo much better with time.

Be positive and at least really soak in the good channeling that you are doing. You are recognizing your feelings and doing something with them. That is great! Memories do suck...but I think some of the bad ones can fade with time.

Hugs
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Old 03-19-2015, 03:44 PM
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Me too.
I think a lot of the residual anger comes from the fact that you simply STILL, no matter how long it's been, cannot believe that someone could have treated you the way they did.

I also get pretty angry at myself for "allowing" it to go on, so I get mad at myself.

I tell people frequently that when someone betrays & manipulates you to this level, you are angry because the way they've chosen to conduct themselves reflects on YOU-on your ability to be critical & see them for what they are, & your choices of where to put your trust, love & energy.

Quite frankly I think getting angry is actually productive, because it is during those times that I am finally spurred to make real changes & distance myself from AH & his BS.

Hugs. It's good that you are honest in acknowledging your feelings.
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Old 03-19-2015, 04:32 PM
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I trained myself to immediately "change the channel" when thoughts of him popped up so I quickly stopped thinking about him. Didn't want him living rent-free in my head.
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Old 03-19-2015, 06:10 PM
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I had a really angry day, killer. My AM was on an annoying several day bender ranting and raving about basically nothing and the today when she is sober, she wants to pretend like nothing happened and wants everyone to ooh and ah about some new things that she bought. It is the selfishness I was raised with, so nothing new, but for some reason her immaturity brought me to my boiling point like it hadn't done in a long time. I could feel the rage coursing through my body! Like mnh said, I know part of my anger and outrage is at myself for playing her games and placating and catering to her all of my life.
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Old 03-19-2015, 06:44 PM
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It took some time, healing and understanding once I joined this forum.

What I've finally come to accept, is that anyone who was with my A would have eventually been treated the same way. It feels so personal when it happens, but I was simply the one who was there and got run over by the A truck.

Now, I look both ways before crossing and avoid toxic vehicles.

I no longer take it personal.

I know this hurts right now. Sending you hope and healing thoughts...

(((Hugs)))


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Old 03-19-2015, 10:34 PM
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talen crow haven! You have hit the nail on the head! It could have been anyone and if they relapse it will be just anyone again. We made them so special and we were just next in the cue.
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Old 03-20-2015, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by TalenCrowhaven View Post
It took some time, healing and understanding once I joined this forum.

What I've finally come to accept, is that anyone who was with my A would have eventually been treated the same way. It feels so personal when it happens, but I was simply the one who was there and got run over by the A truck.

Now, I look both ways before crossing and avoid toxic vehicles.

I no longer take it personal.

I know this hurts right now. Sending you hope and healing thoughts...

(((Hugs)))



Awesome!
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Old 03-20-2015, 12:04 PM
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Dudes, seriously.

I'd have to say that even though I don't LIKE being angry, or being seen as an "angry" person, it really sort of forced me recently to stand up and go...

I'M MAD AS HELL & I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!

In order to do that, you CAN'T take it personally. You have to realise that the alcoholic or addict in question has likely been treating people this way his/her entire life.

While that's equal parts frustrating & sad, it's also a truth that will set you free, because once you recognize that all the things we tell ourselves about why OUR relationship with this person is "different" just aren't accuract, it's much easier to distance ourselves.

I'm personally guilty of,

1. Well, so-and-so just wasn't the love of his life.
2. So-and-so did XYZ to enable or cause his behavior.
3. It's just going to take someone being willing to 'tough it out'.
4. He had a bad childhood/home life/upbringing/previous relationship.
5. He did *insert tiny, negligible positive thing here* so that proves he's "making progress".
6. There is XYZ person still in his life tempting him.

NONE of the above are valid reasons to treat someone the way most of us here feel we've been treated.

Refusing to take it personally anymore comes a lot easier when you sit back & think about your addict's relationships with others (what you know of them) & how much if not all of your problems with your addict are exactly the same as others' problems.

And that makes it a lot easier, because suddenly you are no longer alone. You are no longer the only one shelling out banknotes into this completely overdrawn emotional bank account, aka, your addict.

I've found that even though to some it may seem tacky & like betrayal, putting myself out there to a specific FEW people who have been there for the whole roller coaster with my husband has been very helpful.

These are longtime friends and/or his family members who can confirm that what I'm going through has validity & I have every right to be angry.

Maybe you can find some people like that for yourself?
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Old 03-20-2015, 01:45 PM
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What I've finally come to accept, is that anyone who was with my A would have eventually been treated the same way. It feels so personal when it happens, but I was simply the one who was there and got run over by the A truck.

Now, I look both ways before crossing and avoid toxic vehicles.

I no longer take it personal.
This right here.

It has so little to do with us, despite us suffering real life consequences right alongside the addict.

Be cautious, take care of your needs especially when they conflict with others, and be wary of people who don't take your needs and feelings seriously.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by killerinstinct View Post
I still feel anger towards my ex even though I try channeling it out through healthy ways it's still there? I know I can't force myself to get over it as the world would wish me too but some days and some very early mornings I have flash backs of the cheating the stealing and the lieing and him and his new life and I feel so angry.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being angry. You have good reasons to be angry. Anger only becomes a problem when you allow it to dictate your decision making.

At my worse, killer, when my AXGF really, really p*ssed me off one night on the phone, I took my least favorite guitar, went outside, and smashed it to bits on my driveway. It wasn't until I got into Al Anon and starting listening to how other people coped with madness that I was able to honestly acknowledge to myself that when I did stupid sh*t like that, it was a choice. And a bad one at that.

My ex is what she is. Your ex is what he is. There is nothing either one of us to change someone else's faulty wiring and character. Remind yourself of that, and then slowly try to let it go.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:27 PM
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I do not think anything is wrong with feeling anger. It is probably the only emotion I am able to feel lately. And I am just that. Angry.

But we must remember that our feelings are just feelings. Given the circumstances of our ex's, it is expected to be angry. But that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to go punching car windows out or going to their house to see who is there tonight.

Accepting is a big part, and you have to know that the cheating, lying, stealing, etc will not stop. Nothing you or I could do to make it stop. Of course that makes us angry. Allow the anger to serve the purpose of what its doing- keeping you away from the turmoil and tragedy.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:42 PM
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I'm a pretty big fan of working out to angry white boy music, if all else fails :P
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Old 03-20-2015, 04:14 PM
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I'm also in a state where I'm often angry about the things I went through in my relationship: angry about things my AXW did, angry that I made classic codependent mistakes, and angry that I didn't stand my ground earlier and leave when the truly bad abuse began.

Several books that I've read in the recent past have alluded to or just straight out said that I must accept that I am free to feel whatever I'm feeling at any given time. If I'm angry, accept that I am free to be angry and it will run its course. If I'm happy, accept that I am free to be happy and don't feel guilty about it. Trying to repress my feelings will just reinforce them and give them greater power over me.

To quote Alan Watts, "We cannot exterminate our own evils any more than the Earth can throw out its weeds. But weeds have not choked all those parts of the Earth where nature has been left to her own devices; it is only when man interferes with nature that he begins to notice the inconvenient persistence of certain lowly plants to which he gives the name of weeds. Yet even the best regulated gardens have to have their soil filled with manure and other 'unpleasant' fertilizers, and what is true of the soil is also true of the human mind. Where the roses of virtue bloom in their glory there will certainly be a bed of manure; it will be kept in its place, to be sure, but it will certainly be there. This is not said in cynicism, because the 'filthiness' of the soil in no way detracts from the beauty of the flower except in the imaginations of those who would like to see roses blooming in mid-air, whose oversensitive tastes are revolted by the realities of nature. However, the expert and enthusiastic gardener finds something almost pleasurable in manure; certainly he does not smear it all over the plants, but a soil well mixed with it he calls 'good' and 'rich' - not 'foul' and 'putrid.'"
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