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What do you do when somebody doesn't want you ?

Old 03-19-2015, 08:50 AM
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What do you do when somebody doesn't want you ?

Hello I have been suffering with codependency and when I was abandoned by my ABF It must have opened every codependency - abandonment wound I ever had!
The XAB though he told me he loved me and was blown away I'd be even interested in him !
Once he landed his prey ( ME)
By him acting all needy vulnerable loving and fun
It felt like he destroyed me !
He completely backed off!
Always phoning me! Texting me!
Staying at his house 3 nights a week !
Then he got used to be I would of been happy for a couple of phone calls a week!
His hugs were so special and I miss him so much!
In 5 or 6 weeks there barely a day that goes by where I don't obsessively think about him and cry so much!
I just want to be strong!
It was a no win as he had already started ignoring me and his behaviour was going right off !
If he'd stayed with me he probably would have started seeing other women and I would have been in tatters!
I really built his confidence up and he felt attractive to the opposite sex after I showed him I believed in him!
I learned he would shut up shop so he called it and this is when he would completely switch off emotionally!
He drank 6 nights out of 7
He didn't care I cried for weeks!
He doesn't want to know me at all!
He created the seriousness in our relationship by asking for all the love I gave him! Then when he got it! He slammed it all in my face and I feel so wounded I just want the wound to heal!
I've tried everything medication / ordering books
Still the pangs of anxiety exists.
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Old 03-19-2015, 09:03 AM
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Hello there, my friend. Your post brought up a lot of old feelings for me. I know exactly where you are right now, as I was there about twelve years ago. My first marriage had just imploded and I became involved with someone who treated me like a queen right up until the moment he won me over.

I can tell you that experience is what finally got me dealing with my own fears of abandonment and non-existent self-esteem. I'm not exactly thankful for it, but without it, I'm pretty sure I'd still be pinballing from one bad relationship to another, hoping one of them would magically complete me and heal my wounds.

I spent five years in therapy unraveling my beliefs and behaviors from growing up with an alcoholic mother and codependent father. It was scary, sometimes it was lonely, but ultimately it was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

It started when I stopped asking "Why doesn't he want me?" and started asking, "Why do I want someone who treats me so badly?"

Getting the answer to that question saved my life. I know you say you've "tried everything" but have you ever tried one on one therapy? It's an investment, both in time and money, but having one trusted person in your corner who can help you build a healthy relationship with yourself is invaluable.

Sending you strength and courage.
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Old 03-19-2015, 09:08 AM
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eyeoftheholder.....if it has been only 5 or 6wks., you are still in an acute state of mourning.
For right now...the crying and sadness is totally expected.

dandylion
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Old 03-19-2015, 09:22 AM
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The sun will shine again dear one. You are in mourning and you get to be. Just not forever. Take all that love you gave him and turn it inward. Celebrate yourself rather than mourn him. He's an active addict. Hate to say, but you're in love with a man you never really met.
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Old 03-19-2015, 09:36 AM
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From reading your post, I recognized that
you have many caring qualities about yourself.

Another thing I spotted in ur post is where
you said he drank so many days out of the
week.

IF, and I mean a big IF, if he has a problem
with addiction to alcohol or a controlled
substance, then he truly was not honest
or truly was not capable of giving you the
love, care, understanding that you so much
wish for from him.

Addiction is a sickness and illness that
affects mind, body and soul.

As much as it emotionally hurts you
right now, in a way, I see it as a blessing
for you. Someone, whom I believe is watching
over you, the Man upstairs, has someone else
picked out for you. someone whom is deserving
of the love and care you have to give.

This is just my thoughts as I hope you
grow from this experience and be ready
for someone especially chosen for you
to enter your life.
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Old 03-19-2015, 10:01 AM
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I am sorry you are feeling so sad right now.

I had an experience similar to SparkleKitty, except mine was with a boyfriend and it was 20+ years ago.

It was so hard for me to believe that this man who I was trying to save had left me. I obsessed about it and pleaded with him to try and make it work. I hardly recognized myself. It truly was one of lowest points of my life. That was my ACA "bottom".

However, it turned out to be the springeboard that I needed to go into therapy and eventually recovery work. I too started to wonder what was it about me that made me pick men who were emotionally unavailable. After awhile I began to realize that I was just recreating the relationship that I had with my alcoholic father. Feelings of abadonment were familiar and yet so difficult for me to handle.

I wish you the best as you continue down your own path of healing.

Fondly,

db
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Old 03-19-2015, 10:04 AM
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Take a deep breath. Then say, "that's life." And always look on the bright side of life. He is an ex now, right? And you are free. And you will heal. And once you heal, think that there is always other fish in the sea.
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Old 03-19-2015, 04:36 PM
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Of course it hurts when someone no longer wants you. But it's a good learning experience: alcoholics are incapable of love and healthy human relationships. Next time walk away from a heavy drinker.
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Old 03-19-2015, 04:42 PM
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What do you do when someone doesn't want you? Learn to want yourself. Most of end up in this position through some past incident of rejection. We live in a FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that we have to be everything to everyone so they will love us, but we don't even know how to love ourselves.
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Old 03-19-2015, 05:14 PM
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Q: What do you do when someone doesn't want you?

Respect their decision.


Q: What do you do if an addict or a narc doesn't want you?

Respect their decision, and count your blessings!
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