Pressure- pushing down on me...
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Pressure- pushing down on me...
My AH is in treatment and one of his therapists called me today with AH on speaker phone. I hate when they pull that crap because it is manipulation in and of itself. First she expects me to handle all of the details of finding him a sober living house- but shouldn't a case worker/ therapist be helping him to do that for himself. Then she stated that going to al Anon showed how supportive and dedicated I am to AH. Um I thought I was doing this for my own sanity.
I am feeling angry right now because isn't she pushing me to enable him? Can I not take careof me first without judgment? She said as a wife I am his first line of defense. But then where is my defense?
Am I crazy to feel upset and frustrated? How would you respond?
I am feeling angry right now because isn't she pushing me to enable him? Can I not take careof me first without judgment? She said as a wife I am his first line of defense. But then where is my defense?
Am I crazy to feel upset and frustrated? How would you respond?
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A- I totally agree. I can't help as my XAH has never "tried" becoming sober, he's not a "drunk"!!
From everything I read here, they say here, have them work the program, find a support group and place to live. Ouch.
What I would do is reach out to the A's' Forum. Those people will give you the way it should be and not to enable him. They are awesome every time I reach out with a question. They will tell you what you should and shouldn't do for him.
Good luck
From everything I read here, they say here, have them work the program, find a support group and place to live. Ouch.
What I would do is reach out to the A's' Forum. Those people will give you the way it should be and not to enable him. They are awesome every time I reach out with a question. They will tell you what you should and shouldn't do for him.
Good luck
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What a load of hoo hah! That really makes me mad and I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated and upset. I think, if it were me, I'd call that therapist back and let her know that you will not talk with her on speaker phone again. I would also let her know in no uncertain terms that you go to Al Anon for YOU, not for him. Then I would let her know that it is HIS job to line up a sober living facility and that you expect them to help him do that because that is part of what they are there for! Grrrrrrr....
P.S. I am an alcoholic and I handled everything regarding my recovery myself, from start to finish. If a person wants sobriety badly enough, they will do whatever is necessary to attain it. It's HIS battle, not yours.
P.S. I am an alcoholic and I handled everything regarding my recovery myself, from start to finish. If a person wants sobriety badly enough, they will do whatever is necessary to attain it. It's HIS battle, not yours.
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I agree with the above posters. Wow I can't believe any rehab therapist would say those things. Sounds like ignorance. Al anon is 100% for YOU. There is no magic line of defense that wives possess to keep their husbands sober.
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Your instincts are spot on! If you do all of this for him now, it will set up a pattern of your continued required/requested involvement in HIS recovery, while neglecting your own. Ugh! I'm irritated on your behalf.
When my AH was seeing a therapist last summer, he came home one evening to tell me that the therapist wanted me to come next time with him, as a way to support him in his recovery. My AH was not in real recovery, so I knew very well how this would end up. I told my AH to tell his therapist that I was busy focusing my energy on MY recovery, and I didn't have the energy to focus on HIS recovery, too.
Sending you prayers for strength.
When my AH was seeing a therapist last summer, he came home one evening to tell me that the therapist wanted me to come next time with him, as a way to support him in his recovery. My AH was not in real recovery, so I knew very well how this would end up. I told my AH to tell his therapist that I was busy focusing my energy on MY recovery, and I didn't have the energy to focus on HIS recovery, too.
Sending you prayers for strength.
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
She needs reported. Or maybe he's in a half assed program/facility.
Should I contact the therapist tomorrow to set this straight or wait until I talk to AH or both or neither?
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Originally Posted by amberly
It seemed like a good place for long term inpatient dual diagnosis. And he has been in some of the crappy- we feed you well and take your money but do nothing to help- places before. But I was really taken aback by the phone call. They know he has 2 cdvhan charges even though I did not want to press charges. Unless he is spewing some twisted reality to them and they are actually buying it, this totally confuses me and ticks me off.
Should I contact the therapist tomorrow to set this straight or wait until I talk to AH or both or neither?
Should I contact the therapist tomorrow to set this straight or wait until I talk to AH or both or neither?
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Oh UGH! How frustrating with this info. I don't want to steer you wrong so hopefully someone with more rehab and therapy counseling can provide input.
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Well, I'm probably too strong-willed, but again, if it were me, I wouldn't answer all his phone calls and I wouldn't buy stuff to send to him. I would make sure that both HE and his so-called therapist knew from the get-go that I am taking care of myself and he is responsible for taking care of himself. As you said, he's a 40 plus year old man. It's time he learned to be responsible for his own needs.
Edit to add: When he said that about not being able to go to the beach, I'd have said something snarky like...Wow! I can't even remember the last time I got to go to the beach. (I guess that's one of the many reasons I am not married.)
Edit to add: When he said that about not being able to go to the beach, I'd have said something snarky like...Wow! I can't even remember the last time I got to go to the beach. (I guess that's one of the many reasons I am not married.)
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Originally Posted by gettingstronger
Your instincts are spot on! If you do all of this for him now, it will set up a pattern of your continued required/requested involvement in HIS recovery, while neglecting your own. Ugh! I'm irritated on your behalf.
When my AH was seeing a therapist last summer, he came home one evening to tell me that the therapist wanted me to come next time with him, as a way to support him in his recovery. My AH was not in real recovery, so I knew very well how this would end up. I told my AH to tell his therapist that I was busy focusing my energy on MY recovery, and I didn't have the energy to focus on HIS recovery, too.
Sending you prayers for strength.
When my AH was seeing a therapist last summer, he came home one evening to tell me that the therapist wanted me to come next time with him, as a way to support him in his recovery. My AH was not in real recovery, so I knew very well how this would end up. I told my AH to tell his therapist that I was busy focusing my energy on MY recovery, and I didn't have the energy to focus on HIS recovery, too.
Sending you prayers for strength.
Sadly this makes me laugh a bit because it hits so close to home. AH and his lawyer's assistant called me once to give me some "homework" to do for his cdv case- of which I was the victim. AH thought somebody else telling me something was my " assignment" would make it so. Boy did I get a load off my shoulders via verbal communication that day :-)
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Don't even get me started on these half baked therapist, counselors and so-called sponsors. Of course she thinks you go to al a non for HIM. He is her only focus, not you that's why we on the outside get a used by the addict and then by the system of these fly by night for profit rehabs. Like someone has already said, if he won't do it for himself, he's not serious. He'll relapse and be back in a year or two. The therapist will be there to molly coddle and collect a check. Frankly I would call her back and melt her ear clean off her empty head!
Your same situation happened a few weeks ago to my friend. Her addict ex finance (my xabf's brother) told his therapist "all about her". He left out the part where she wanted no contact with him. They did the speaker phone ambush with him, the therapist and his mom! She was totally floored! Had such a bad reaction she broke out in a rash!
These people need to be held accountable for malpractice!
Your same situation happened a few weeks ago to my friend. Her addict ex finance (my xabf's brother) told his therapist "all about her". He left out the part where she wanted no contact with him. They did the speaker phone ambush with him, the therapist and his mom! She was totally floored! Had such a bad reaction she broke out in a rash!
These people need to be held accountable for malpractice!
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Originally Posted by amberly
My AH is in treatment and one of his therapists called me today with AH on speaker phone. I hate when they pull that crap because it is manipulation in and of itself. First she expects me to handle all of the details of finding him a sober living house- but shouldn't a case worker/ therapist be helping him to do that for himself. Then she stated that going to al Anon showed how supportive and dedicated I am to AH. Um I thought I was doing this for my own sanity.
I am feeling angry right now because isn't she pushing me to enable him? Can I not take care of me first without judgment? She said as a wife I am his first line of defense. But then where is my defense?
Am I crazy to feel upset and frustrated? How would you respond?
I am feeling angry right now because isn't she pushing me to enable him? Can I not take care of me first without judgment? She said as a wife I am his first line of defense. But then where is my defense?
Am I crazy to feel upset and frustrated? How would you respond?
I'm getting angrier the more times I read through your post. Yes, Al-anon is for you, not him and what is all that guff about being 'dedicated' to him? I'd tell her the 1950s are calling and they want her back!
If this was me I'd tell her that 'as a wife' I expect to be an equal partner in a relationship, not a glorified bottom wiper. Then I'd be sending a letter of complaint to the facility.
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Originally Posted by Tentindependent
No you're not crazy to get upset about this. Are you sure this is one of the staff and not a fellow addict he's recruited for the purpose of manipulating you?
I'm getting angrier the more times I read through your post. Yes, Al-anon is for you, not him and what is all that guff about being 'dedicated' to him? I'd tell her the 1950s are calling and they want her back!
If this was me I'd tell her that 'as a wife' I expect to be an equal partner in a relationship, not a glorified bottom wiper. Then I'd be sending a letter of complaint to the facility.
I'm getting angrier the more times I read through your post. Yes, Al-anon is for you, not him and what is all that guff about being 'dedicated' to him? I'd tell her the 1950s are calling and they want her back!
If this was me I'd tell her that 'as a wife' I expect to be an equal partner in a relationship, not a glorified bottom wiper. Then I'd be sending a letter of complaint to the facility.
The more I think about it, the more I believe she was basically reading off of a script. I'm mad for me and I am mad for my AH. Everyone is telling him to listen to and do everything they say in treatment and this is the crap they are filling his head with. She said that it was very important that he be able to tell me when he was having a craving because then I could have him call his sponsor. WTH????
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amberly....her primary concern is with him, and, not you.
The treatment facility is obligated to come up with some sort of discharge plan for the client. Of course, if they can get you to do the leg work...that lightens their load...lol!
I think a phone call to them...letting them know how you see your role should clarify things.
"Say what you mean; Mean what you say: but, don't say it mean".
dandylion
The treatment facility is obligated to come up with some sort of discharge plan for the client. Of course, if they can get you to do the leg work...that lightens their load...lol!
I think a phone call to them...letting them know how you see your role should clarify things.
"Say what you mean; Mean what you say: but, don't say it mean".
dandylion
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It has been my experience with my own husband and son that they can manipulate some women therapists with their charm. Some, not all. Some therapists see right through the BS and call them on it. When my son went to IOP and was paired with a pretty young woman, I knew nothing good would happen. And it didn't.
You can be supportive to a point, but it sounds like she is putting entirely too much responsibility on you for his sobriety.
You can be supportive to a point, but it sounds like she is putting entirely too much responsibility on you for his sobriety.
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