IloveRRR

My husband and I just got married 3 weeks ago. He has struggled with alcohol for many years. He just landed a great new job but is waiting for his criminal background clearnace and is highly stressed because he has 2 old simple assaulta from 6 years ago that he did disclose on his application....He is also struggling with a child support issue and has made countless phone calls to his "case worker" who has not returned his calls. I told him last night that I cannot and will not look for help for him nor do i want him to stop drinking to appease me. Today he bought a pint of vodka and is home while I am at work- he has called me numerous times to tell me that he is going to get his life together and fight his alcoholism. I was INCREDIBLY disappointed when he told me he was drinking as he promised me last night that he was done drinking in preperation for his new job. He told me he called alot of people today and told them he was drinking and needs to stop. I'm upset because he drank again today- and I guess I am posting because I dont know what to do when i go home. Do i tell him "don't hate yourself, move on..." That feels like permission for him to go right out and buy a pint tomorrow again- which i can see him doing. I know I cant go home and be mad at him for drinking....so what is the right thing to do?

SparkleKitty

First, accept that he is going to do whatever he is going to do regardless of anything you do or don't do, say or don't say. He doesn't need your permission to go out and buy a pint tomorrow again.

Take care of yourself tonight, IloveRRR. Let him worry about him.

IloveRRR

Oh beleive me I know I can't control his behavior or if he buys a pint. I'm going to go home and have MYSELF a nice night. He will want to talk about his issues, my day, etc. I am sure he will want to be romantic as well. He has already told me several times today he is disgusted with himself, etc. My point is he WILL want to talk about it and I dont know what to say? LITERALLY! I'll be just fine, but do i tell him to just move on or do I let him know I am disappointed if he asks, which he will. Thats what always confuses me.

happybeingme

if he asks absolutely tell him the truth. Just know he may use it to throw himself a pity party. It's what alcoholics do

amberly

I have had this happen with my AH so many times- too many times. I got to the point where I would go straight upstairs to spend my evening and avoid him when he was drinking. I would tell him that I couldn't make him decide not to drink, but that I did not have to have discussions (or anything else) with him while he was intoxicated. Maybe that wasn't being as supportive as I could have been, but there were no fights those nights and my stress level was much lower than if I had tried to communicate with a person who couldn't reason. He could talk to me when he was sober- but he wasn't so interested in talking about the issue then.

SparkleKitty

What are your boundaries? One of mine is that I won't have conversations with drunk people. If I find myself in that situation, I hang up the phone, I go to another room, I leave the restaurant.

Until I can escape the conversation, I'm generally honest in my answers, but I don't fool myself into thinking that a drunk person can acknowledge, comprehend, or remember anything I've said. It doesn't matter what, if anything, you say to him. His mind is altered and he's in the middle of a pity party - one of the things he's not doing, not even remotely, is seeking real help.

Kafkaesque

I completely agree with SparkleKitty. If he is actively drinking, he isn't trying to get sober. I know that sounds obvious, but you get what I mean. He has to want this for himself, and unfortunately until he makes that decision nothing will change.

However, I don't think there is harm telling him how it bothers you. My husband made it very clear to me how he wasn't forcing me to stop drinking but that he wouldn't put up with my excessive drinking forever. He reminded me of this many times when I was both drunk and sober for the first 7 months of our marriage. I still struggle and it was my decision to get sober, but having him in my life and his happiness help keep me motivated to stay sober.

Have you and your husband discussed his drinking before you got married? You have to do what is right for you at the end of the day, but you've come to a great place for support and advice. Have you suggested he read/post on SR? SR has helped me understand how my spouse feels by reading posts like yours but also talk to people who understand what I'm going through and have great advice in getting and staying sober.

theuncertainty

Why not? _Are_ you mad? or disappointed? or sad? You can feel about it however you feel about it.

If he's still drunk or still drinking when you get home, will it really matter what you say? If you tell him you're disappointed, will it actually change anything? Him calling a bunch of people to tell them he's drinking and needs to stop is not the same as actually stopping. People could tell him to stop, and he won't, unless he wants to. They could give him him permission to keep drinking, and he won't, unless he wants to.

There really isn't a one-size fits all right thing to do. What do you want to do? Do you have expectations or hopes that doing one thing or another will provide a desired outcome?

If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. If you do want to talk about it, you can say how you feel and whatever you want. Or something in between: You could say how you feel, and leave it there, or that there's not much else to talk about, or that you don't want to, or that it would serve no purpose talking about it while he's under the influence....

BlueChair

There are stages in the process of change. Its easy when you see a person say I need help and then they rush to get help. But there are stages people go through to get there. I think if I was you then I would stick to being honest in your feelings, but this also means sharing any positives you see about him and the day. Do you think he really called some places about treatment? This is good and took courage? Did he get some info? Can you discuss how he feels about the options and let him talk about some of his feelings, see what his fear and possible ambivalence is about? Listening can be very important if your up to it. Its ok to collaborate with him, and it might help him find his solution.

shil2587

This I completely empathise with as I am in almost the exact same.position. except mine goes to an old friends house who is not 'alanoned up' and tells him for hours that he drinks because I put too much pressure on him to do things like, oh I don't know, pack up his flat before the movers come tomorrow...!
His friend then thinks a gentle word in my ear as to why ABF is drinking will fix it all.

Basically, nothing you do or say can stop them. Literally nothing. So all I do in the evenings when he is home is let him talk. Occasionally make a noncommittal comment while getting on with my things, then go to bed.

Nothing else you can do. Talking to an active A is like talking to a delerious 5 year old.

fluffyflea

With any luck he'll be sleeping when you get home. If he's not just go about your business. I'd wait til he was sober to tell him that it bothers you. In the meantime answers like oh? And, That's interesting, are good.

maia1234

DETACH...
Stay away. Why would you want to engage with someone who is drinking all day. They will pick a fight because you won't engage. Leave him be, tell him you don't feel well and get away from him. Yuck!!

Sorry, but when he is drinking and you are not, you both are speaking 2 different languages. You don't understand him, and he doesn't understand you. leave it alone.

Enough talk about him, work on you!!! Go to a meeting tonight, or do something for you. Don't sit on the pitty pot with him. If he wants to get sober he will. Don't listen to him when he is drunk telling you are bad he feels.. What ever.

Sparklekitty was right, ignore, apologize but just get him to leave you alone!!!!

amberly

Very well said. I wish I had this advice years ago.

Mango blast

He's doing what an alcoholic does. He's drinking. It's not personal and if he's wanting to stop, there is no one more disappointed in him than he is.

I'd kindly suggest visiting several Alanon meetings, to start learning how to take care of yourself through this. What I've found is that the healthier I get, the more compassion I have for him and am able to let go and let him have time to learn what he needs. Me telling him what to do in order to quit drinking has NEVER worked. Go to AA, get to rehab, etc. Maybe if I had asked if he'd thought about it, listened to him and then not revisited that, pushed or hounded him about it, but there was a time I couldn't stop myself from doing that anymore than he could stop drinking. When I know better I can do better.

What I'm also finding is plenty of self work to keep me busy. Happiness can happen regardless of what the day brings.

As much as I hate seeing my husband hurting or causing himself trouble or pain, this is his journey and the more I've tried to help, it keeps his focus on me instead of himself. That is unhealthy for both of us.

FeelingGreat

Hi ILR, I don't give him too long in his new job if he's drunk calling, virtually announcing he has a drinking problem.

There is no way you need to spend your evenings trying to communicate with a drunk. Avoid him as much as possible, and if he persists tell him firmly you are not going to be around him drunk.

velma929

His drinking isn't his only problem.

He lied on his job application. Last big company I worked for, that was grounds for dismissal, all by itself.

CodeJob

Oh did this post bring back memories! My H used to chat with all sorts of folks on his cell at night in the garage. People would report to me he sounded drunk and I would say, 'probably.' What was I supposed to do? I was busy with our kid, the house chores, and my own life. luckily I figured out detachment and my lack of control in this scenario.

Then he'd cry that he wanted to stop and then start again the next evening. So tiresome the same meaningless words and drama every so often... Addiction comes first in a marriage. It gets terribly old and lonely.

Im sorry you married an addict.

amberly

I get lonely by myself. But I feel even more lonely when I am with my AH and he is drinking (which is pretty much always).

hopeful4

Ugh...boy do I remember those days. Ultimately there is nothing you can do but detatch and take care of yourself. He will either stop, or he won't. Sounds like he needs some professional help.

XXX

IloveRRR

thank you all- everything you have said makes complete sense. We are so close that all we do is spend every evening having dinner, talking, watching TV- those are normal nights, sober nights. SO i knew when i got home he would want to talk- he actually asked me "Please listen, I need to talk about my underlying issues"- so I listened. All I told him was that calling people (his old sponsers, other AA people) was a step in the right direction. Thats it. He was still calling people when i got home. He's one of those people that thinks he can "sneak" and drink- that no one knows when EVERYONE knows. I can look at him after 1 shot and see it and he hates that. Your answers have helped me very much, because the answer to my question really is IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY. I feel a tremendous burden to "support" the man i love but I now see I am placing to much weight on myself- its not my job to do or say anything "right". Eventually there was an argument as he was so drunk he said "I'm so sorry Joyce." I sat straight up in bed .....then he said "I love you Joyce". My name is not Joyce. That is his ex GF from 6 years ago. I made the mistake of getting angry and coming downstairs and then yelling at him that if he wants her HAVE AT IT! I know I was wrong for doing this, but it hurt me. He apologized up and down, saying "I'm sorry- I'm drunk...I dont know what Im saying!" which did nothing but trigger me more. One of the things that pisses me off about this disease is when it is used as an excuse for things. "Oh sorry i hurt your feeling- im an alcoholic" "Oooooh, you're an alcoholic? oh, then its ok- you get a free pass to behave badly" GRRRRRRRRRRR- that makes me mad. So now he is sick, vomiting and saying he has never felt so disgusted with himself in his life and never wants to see alcohol again- YEAH RIGHT! It's so frustrating, but I realize I have to just do me. And staying away from him when he is drunk is an excellent suggestion- thank you. I've learned so much from all of you since joining this site. thank you all again. <3