Will therapy help or is more needed?
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Will therapy help or is more needed?
Well, my son did it again. Made his girlfriend get him alcohol and then turned into the mean person he always is this past weekend. Said mean things and would not let her leave our house. ( I was at work but my daughter heard them arguing and called me) SO I called him and told him to let her go, etc. He did then and she told him she never wanted to see him again. He now says he will call tomorrow and schedule an appointment with the therapist he seen about 9 months ago. I honestly don't think it will help. He has been saying he will change for how long and he does well for a week and then relapses. He has promised her before and now she is about done with him. I sure would not want my daughter dating a guy like him. He treats her like crap. He text me tonight to tell me to tell her that he is going for help. I told him what I thought. I told him that he is 20 yrs old and he needs to face this like a man and get help. Admit he has depression and alcohol problems. Be a man about it. I was told "Stop talking to me like that". I also told him not to schedule his summer classes because he needs to show us he is serious about changing.... again the reply "don't talk to me like that". SO my ? is will therapy help? I told him I would like to see outpatient but he said he will wait to see what the therapist suggests. He also thinks the family doctor will increase his depression meds. All I know is I am not sure what he will be like if the girlfriend won't take him back. I don't blame her one bit. He is full of lies about how much he drinks. Tells me I invade his privacy by going in his room, well too bad I went in tonight. I reminded him about how he has treated her and he didn't want to hear it. I hope he sits and realizes what he has done. Hoping this will make him change.
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hummingbird, what happened to the decision you made with your husband that you wouldn't allow drinking in the house? Are you planning to give him a pass? He's acting like therapy is optional, like it's his prerogative.
I really hope his GF leaves for good this time. Personally I wouldn't allow intimidation and abuse to continue under my roof, regardless of how the GF feels. It's actually a form of assault if he's physically restraining her. Please consider this if you feel like letting her into the house again.
He's broken your rules and is still calling the shots about what he'll do to stop this serious behaviour. I personally would tell him to leave.
I really hope his GF leaves for good this time. Personally I wouldn't allow intimidation and abuse to continue under my roof, regardless of how the GF feels. It's actually a form of assault if he's physically restraining her. Please consider this if you feel like letting her into the house again.
He's broken your rules and is still calling the shots about what he'll do to stop this serious behaviour. I personally would tell him to leave.
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Hummingbird....I sent you a PM...I hope you got it. There are a couple of antidepressants which have considerably less sexual side effects.....I put them in the PM...as we are not allowed to give specific medical info.....
dandylion
dandylion
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Therapists, if they are experienced and know what alcoholism really is, should recommend a program like AA.
Two of the most famous psychiatrists of all time, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, eventually refused to work with alcoholism cases.
Not much has changed since those days.
Alcoholism still baffles the medical and psychiatric practices.
It is classified as a disease and not simply a matter of weak will.
Hope that helps
Two of the most famous psychiatrists of all time, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, eventually refused to work with alcoholism cases.
Not much has changed since those days.
Alcoholism still baffles the medical and psychiatric practices.
It is classified as a disease and not simply a matter of weak will.
Hope that helps
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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The family doctor prescribed lexapro. The therapist I am seeing said that he felt a psychiatrist won't really listen he just prescribes medication and patient leaves after 5 minutes of being in the office. It is not getting to the root of the problem.
I know that we should have him leave. It is so hard. One day he looks like he is changing. Then the weekend comes and he isn't.
I know that we should have him leave. It is so hard. One day he looks like he is changing. Then the weekend comes and he isn't.
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My experience was that therapy was a waste of time until I quit drinking. The best thing that could have happened to me would have been for my wife and family to kick me to the curb instead of putting up with my crap.
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 
The therapist I am seeing said that he felt a psychiatrist won't really listen he just prescribes medication and patient leaves after 5 minutes of being in the office. It is not getting to the root of the problem.
When my AH fell out I called this doctor and chewed his A@@ out. Asked him WHY did he prescribe this medication to my AH when he knew he had a problem. He never could give me an answer but then he turned around and had him admitted to rehab.
I can still remember how crazy and out of my mind I was and the last thing I told the doctor before I hung up was "You better fix this sh** and find him some help".
I know this is difficult and wish you and your family all the best! I hope you consider Alanon for you and your husband.
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Just thinking about you Hummingbird. I think this child is off course and counseling if sober could help attain some assessment of what he could change in his life. An IOP is good in that is should wrap private counseling, group counseling, AA and a psychiatrist into a bow.
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Hummingbird, I highly recommend an IOP with a three-pronged approach:
Counselors, psychiatrists, and counselor-led group meetings. It took us three different IOPs to find decent care. In a good one, they will work as a team. And I am a huge proponent of using medicine (Antabuse, Batrexone, Campril, Vivitrol) in addition to counseling.
Counselors, psychiatrists, and counselor-led group meetings. It took us three different IOPs to find decent care. In a good one, they will work as a team. And I am a huge proponent of using medicine (Antabuse, Batrexone, Campril, Vivitrol) in addition to counseling.
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Hummingbird....my only point (about the psychiatrist question) is that they are very knowledgeable about these type of meds. They can be very tricky and each individual is very different in their response. The psychiatrist deals with this kind of thing all day long.
I am neither slamming anyone nor exalting anyone....simply addressing the question of side effects of a medication....lol.
I do like the point that CodeJob, and others, made-- that he could benefit from a comprehensive approach. Each professional has an area of expertise that he could benefit from.
My impression, from what has been written, is that he might have a dual diagnosis situation...and, of course, there is the family dynamics to boot.
This is my suggestion....that you find someone ...perhaps a family therapist...who can help you and your husband spearhead a plan that can address the complexity of this situation. You all (you and the family) are struggling, and it seems like you could use the support of someone who has experience. It looks like your son is using the family dynamics to his own "advantage"...big time...lol.
I, also, think that it is important that you and your husband go together for any consultations. A united front is soo important. Your son has issues, of course---but, the whole family is involved...this is a family problem, also.
He is still young...the sooner these issues are addressed, the better. The longer the patterns go on..the harder they are to break...
dandylion
I am neither slamming anyone nor exalting anyone....simply addressing the question of side effects of a medication....lol.
I do like the point that CodeJob, and others, made-- that he could benefit from a comprehensive approach. Each professional has an area of expertise that he could benefit from.
My impression, from what has been written, is that he might have a dual diagnosis situation...and, of course, there is the family dynamics to boot.
This is my suggestion....that you find someone ...perhaps a family therapist...who can help you and your husband spearhead a plan that can address the complexity of this situation. You all (you and the family) are struggling, and it seems like you could use the support of someone who has experience. It looks like your son is using the family dynamics to his own "advantage"...big time...lol.
I, also, think that it is important that you and your husband go together for any consultations. A united front is soo important. Your son has issues, of course---but, the whole family is involved...this is a family problem, also.
He is still young...the sooner these issues are addressed, the better. The longer the patterns go on..the harder they are to break...
dandylion
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Location: USA
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While I don't have a drinking problem, I can tell you that before and after I split from my husband who is an alcoholic I saw a psychiatrist who has a specialty in working with families who have addiction. It took some hunting and work to find the right one, but I did. He did counseling with me and also reviewed my medications. He did not change them at the time, but could have as he is a psychiatrist, not just a counselor.
It sounds to me like your son needs a dual diagnosis rehab facility.
Tight, tight hugs.
It sounds to me like your son needs a dual diagnosis rehab facility.
Tight, tight hugs.
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Whenever my XAH had a big embarrassing alcoholic incident, he'd make a lot of noises about "this time I'm REALLY going to commit" to therapy and treatment and meds to get us off his back again. And when it came time to buckle down and do what the counselors told him to long term, he'd quit treatment and drink. OR, he'd go to therapy and drink secretly anyway. Then, when he was inevitably discovered he'd scramble to make it appear he was going to dig into counseling for real this time. Rinse and repeat.
We, meanwhile, would suspend our expectations and shift our boundaries to relieve him from experiencing the negative consequences of his actions -- like our anger, or having to find another place to live, or having to commit to actual recovery in order to take advantage of our monetary kindness -- and hold our breath and HOPE that he would change everything about his attitude and behavior, but without making any actual changes in our circumstances or behavior ourselves.
To me, there were real missteps here. He's 20? He shouldn't have access to alcohol. His drinking is illegal, and you and the girlfriend are his primary enablers. She's purchasing it, and you're bankrolling it. Yes, she should absolutely break up with him. Yes, someone should have called the police -- instead of someone calling you to call him -- for criminal confinement and abuse of his girlfriend. And you should consider telling him to get his stuff and go until he can act like a respectable person in your home, period.
Will therapy help? Who? Him, no, not if he's drinking. You, yes, and I can tell you it was a lifesaver for me dealing with my XAH. An addiction counselor -- or any counselor -- will help you figure out what to do and how to emotionally process it.
Based in my experience, I really believe that it's the families of the alcoholic that most need the counseling to help firm up boundaries that have been decimated by years of living with insanity. My XAH's family refuses to really deal with his problem or their enmeshment in his problems, and he is about 37, lives in their basement, underemployed when he's employed at all, and has no real designs on moving out ever, and he still drinks. We have a child together, and his parents have to 100% supervise visits with her because the court decided he cannot under any circumstances be trusted to keep her alone. Everyone in that situation deserves better, but someone has to be the bad guy and stop that train, even if it's uncomfortable and embarrassing and it means letting go of expectations about having a healthy and normal, non-alcoholic kid. They probably won't do it in their lifetimes. But your kid, he's young. He has choices. So do you.
We, meanwhile, would suspend our expectations and shift our boundaries to relieve him from experiencing the negative consequences of his actions -- like our anger, or having to find another place to live, or having to commit to actual recovery in order to take advantage of our monetary kindness -- and hold our breath and HOPE that he would change everything about his attitude and behavior, but without making any actual changes in our circumstances or behavior ourselves.
To me, there were real missteps here. He's 20? He shouldn't have access to alcohol. His drinking is illegal, and you and the girlfriend are his primary enablers. She's purchasing it, and you're bankrolling it. Yes, she should absolutely break up with him. Yes, someone should have called the police -- instead of someone calling you to call him -- for criminal confinement and abuse of his girlfriend. And you should consider telling him to get his stuff and go until he can act like a respectable person in your home, period.
Will therapy help? Who? Him, no, not if he's drinking. You, yes, and I can tell you it was a lifesaver for me dealing with my XAH. An addiction counselor -- or any counselor -- will help you figure out what to do and how to emotionally process it.
Based in my experience, I really believe that it's the families of the alcoholic that most need the counseling to help firm up boundaries that have been decimated by years of living with insanity. My XAH's family refuses to really deal with his problem or their enmeshment in his problems, and he is about 37, lives in their basement, underemployed when he's employed at all, and has no real designs on moving out ever, and he still drinks. We have a child together, and his parents have to 100% supervise visits with her because the court decided he cannot under any circumstances be trusted to keep her alone. Everyone in that situation deserves better, but someone has to be the bad guy and stop that train, even if it's uncomfortable and embarrassing and it means letting go of expectations about having a healthy and normal, non-alcoholic kid. They probably won't do it in their lifetimes. But your kid, he's young. He has choices. So do you.
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I think it depends on the psychiatrist. Its worth shopping around to find the right one. My partner sees onewho is in his seventies, specialises in addiction and use tto be a neurosurgeon. He is like a life coach and is absolutely amazing. He even offers to see me if ever I want it for free.
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There is a very sick relationship dynamic between him and his girlfriend. he seems to be controlling everything in YOUR home.
again YOUR home, do not allow her entrance. You made a boundary of NO ALCOHOL, he broke it, she broke it.
I think he needs more than outpatient therapy at this point. And the GF too, needs a separate person to help her find her way out of these sort of relationships
again YOUR home, do not allow her entrance. You made a boundary of NO ALCOHOL, he broke it, she broke it.
I think he needs more than outpatient therapy at this point. And the GF too, needs a separate person to help her find her way out of these sort of relationships
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094
The family doctor prescribed lexapro. The therapist I am seeing said that he felt a psychiatrist won't really listen he just prescribes medication and patient leaves after 5 minutes of being in the office.
The appointments with the psychiatrist were to discuss any side effects, discuss how I was feeling (i.e. was the Rx working?), and decide whether adjustments were needed, etc. And I met with him very regularly so he could monitor my progress and address any issues. It took a bit of time and work with him to find the Rx that worked for me. And even once we found what worked, as I got better, or had setbacks, adjustments were still needed.
Some family doctors absolutely ROCK and know a lot about preventative care and treating patients throughout the course of their lives, but not all have depth of knowledge about addictions or psych issues.
You may already be aware, but mixing lexapro with alcohol is not recommended. As was explained to me, lexapro may increase the effects of alcohol. Even if it didn't, alcohol is essentially a depressant, so drinking kind of undermines the effectiveness of anti-depressant medications.
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094
It is so hard. One day he looks like he is changing. Then the weekend comes and he isn't.
AXH could pull it together for short periods of time, too. And it took me a long, long time to figure out that a lot of what I was taking as 'change' was just words and white-knuckling it for a short period. Even when he went to rehab, he wasn't ready to stop. It's hard hoping and waiting for change when we can't do anything to make it happen.
Take gentle care of yourself, Hummingbird.
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I think it boils down to this.
You have a problem with his drinking.
He does not.
So, you need to find a way to deal with your problem.
Unfortunately, until he sees it as a problem........ Little can be done for him.
I've sat in Alanon meetings and heard many a mother, say how she never thought she would be happy until a way was found to stop their child drinking, but that is no longer the case.
So, there is a program and a proven method of help for families to live happily, despite the ups and downs of the alcoholic.
You have a problem with his drinking.
He does not.
So, you need to find a way to deal with your problem.
Unfortunately, until he sees it as a problem........ Little can be done for him.
I've sat in Alanon meetings and heard many a mother, say how she never thought she would be happy until a way was found to stop their child drinking, but that is no longer the case.
So, there is a program and a proven method of help for families to live happily, despite the ups and downs of the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by hummingbird1094
Well, my son did it again. Made his girlfriend get him alcohol and then turned into the mean person he always is this past weekend. Said mean things and would not let her leave our house. ( I was at work but my daughter heard them arguing and called me) SO I called him and told him to let her go, etc. He did then and she told him she never wanted to see him again. He now says he will call tomorrow and schedule an appointment with the therapist he seen about 9 months ago. I honestly don't think it will help. He has been saying he will change for how long and he does well for a week and then relapses. He has promised her before and now she is about done with him. I sure would not want my daughter dating a guy like him. He treats her like crap. He text me tonight to tell me to tell her that he is going for help. I told him what I thought. I told him that he is 20 yrs old and he needs to face this like a man and get help. Admit he has depression and alcohol problems. Be a man about it. I was told "Stop talking to me like that". I also told him not to schedule his summer classes because he needs to show us he is serious about changing.... again the reply "don't talk to me like that". SO my ? is will therapy help? I told him I would like to see outpatient but he said he will wait to see what the therapist suggests. He also thinks the family doctor will increase his depression meds. All I know is I am not sure what he will be like if the girlfriend won't take him back. I don't blame her one bit. He is full of lies about how much he drinks. Tells me I invade his privacy by going in his room, well too bad I went in tonight. I reminded him about how he has treated her and he didn't want to hear it. I hope he sits and realizes what he has done. Hoping this will make him change.
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Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry. I don't have anything wiser to add to the medication information and while I'd like to say kick him out I'm not sure I, as a mother, could do that at this point.
I could ban the girlfriend though. I would not allow her to the house. What is happening between them there is not OK for either one of them or you and I wouldn't be part of it. My stomach sinks thinking about it (from your position) and I'm just reading it on a message board.
I could ban the girlfriend though. I would not allow her to the house. What is happening between them there is not OK for either one of them or you and I wouldn't be part of it. My stomach sinks thinking about it (from your position) and I'm just reading it on a message board.
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