Shame
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Shame
I have been coming to terms with the hard- to -face reality that my husband and I might be headed for divorce. I know there is always the possibility that he will get well but I only have right now to go on.
I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night and I realised that my fear is getting in the way of my decision making. I've only been married for 2 years. My parents spent so much on our wedding. I never wanted to fail at marriage. I don't know how I will explain things to my family, our friends. I know in my rational brain that I'll just do it and I'll survive but I feel that first step out will be so hard. It's the feeling of failing at marriage.
I know it's not a particularly positive way to look at things but I guess I am hoping for the best but well and truly planning for the worst.
Does the fear go away?
I was talking to my best friend on the phone last night and I realised that my fear is getting in the way of my decision making. I've only been married for 2 years. My parents spent so much on our wedding. I never wanted to fail at marriage. I don't know how I will explain things to my family, our friends. I know in my rational brain that I'll just do it and I'll survive but I feel that first step out will be so hard. It's the feeling of failing at marriage.
I know it's not a particularly positive way to look at things but I guess I am hoping for the best but well and truly planning for the worst.
Does the fear go away?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes you have to let something go in order to make way for new and better things in your life.
It takes two participants to make a marriage. Your husband is currently more interested in drinking than being a partner to you. You're letting a word get in the way of real life.
It takes two participants to make a marriage. Your husband is currently more interested in drinking than being a partner to you. You're letting a word get in the way of real life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
I have no idea I could have wrote your post myself it's just horrible isn't it.
I constantly think what other people will think damn it...There is such a stigma with peoples attitudes like 'people give up too fast on their marriages these days etc'
I'm sure you'll get some great advice on here though.
Best of luck
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Maybear,
Sorry if this sounds cold, but let me explain my opinion in business terms. It sounds like you made losing bet and you have suffered a loss. Whatever you do now, that money from the wedding is not coming back, it's what's called a "sunk cost". But your more important resources are your time and energy. Don't waste them on a lost cause. That is called "throwing good money after bad". Admit your mistake as soon as possible and move on. Be grateful you didn't bring children into this (I think). Concentrate on the future and forget the past. As for the comments that will come from the peanut gallery, 'eff 'em.
Sorry if this sounds cold, but let me explain my opinion in business terms. It sounds like you made losing bet and you have suffered a loss. Whatever you do now, that money from the wedding is not coming back, it's what's called a "sunk cost". But your more important resources are your time and energy. Don't waste them on a lost cause. That is called "throwing good money after bad". Admit your mistake as soon as possible and move on. Be grateful you didn't bring children into this (I think). Concentrate on the future and forget the past. As for the comments that will come from the peanut gallery, 'eff 'em.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
You are so right. And yes, it does really suck to feel this way, even though it makes no sense.
I think the prospect of people feeling sorry for me, asking me questions etc also makes me cringe. I just don't want to have to go through the details again and again.
I hate being the centre of attention, maybe that has something to do with it. But I suppose with anything like this it is fresh in people's minds for a minute and then it's forgotten. They've got their own stuff going on.
I think the prospect of people feeling sorry for me, asking me questions etc also makes me cringe. I just don't want to have to go through the details again and again.
I hate being the centre of attention, maybe that has something to do with it. But I suppose with anything like this it is fresh in people's minds for a minute and then it's forgotten. They've got their own stuff going on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
You didn't come off cold fluffer.
Thanks for the comments.
We do have a 10 month old daughter. This has only been a recent situation for us though, there hasn't been years of drinking, there has just been the one time in rehab and the one relapse and he is back out of our house again. There's been no back and forth and I want to avoid that for both our (mine and my daughters sake). I know what I will likely have to do, it's just hard.
Thanks for the comments.
We do have a 10 month old daughter. This has only been a recent situation for us though, there hasn't been years of drinking, there has just been the one time in rehab and the one relapse and he is back out of our house again. There's been no back and forth and I want to avoid that for both our (mine and my daughters sake). I know what I will likely have to do, it's just hard.
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Yes, it's hard, but you sound strong to me! I think many people here wish they had had the good sense and courage to take the necessary action sooner rather than later! And that's on both "sides" of this forum.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
If your situation includes physical or extreme emotional abuse please ignore the rest of this as I want you to be safe, but I would offer the following for consideration... do not necessarily rush into a decision regarding a divorce. Divorce is an extremely difficult, life altering, shake you to your core type event even in the best of circumstances. With a child involved you don't have the option to go no contact and never see him again. It truly is like picking a scab and constantly reopening the wound. For your own sanity and well being, I think you'll want to be able to look back on it and know you did everything you could. Maybe that's marriage or individual counseling, maybe some time in Alanon or maybe setting some boundaries and making it clear to your AH where your head is at (again - only if safe to do so.)
As someone who is closing in on 1 month post divorce, I'm certainly not anti-divorce, but I am still grieving, feeling guilty, second guessing - all of that. I find some comfort knowing that we did go to counseling together, I went (and still go) to counseling separately, I participate in Alanon (and read/post here at SR.). In addition, after the initial filing he had months to get himself into a real recovery program. Although he is very angry and blames me for divorcing him, there are many things he could have done to change the course of the proceedings - sometimes inaction is as significant as action.
Anyway, I just want you to be okay with the choices you make. Good luck to you. (((Hugs)))
As someone who is closing in on 1 month post divorce, I'm certainly not anti-divorce, but I am still grieving, feeling guilty, second guessing - all of that. I find some comfort knowing that we did go to counseling together, I went (and still go) to counseling separately, I participate in Alanon (and read/post here at SR.). In addition, after the initial filing he had months to get himself into a real recovery program. Although he is very angry and blames me for divorcing him, there are many things he could have done to change the course of the proceedings - sometimes inaction is as significant as action.
Anyway, I just want you to be okay with the choices you make. Good luck to you. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Because you care what your parents think sounds like you have a close relationship to them.
My guess....they don't care about the money they care about your happiness, safety and that of their grandchild.
How to explain....Truthfully. He is an alcoholic and the situation isn't working.
Yeah I know that is easier on paper than in reality.
My guess....they don't care about the money they care about your happiness, safety and that of their grandchild.
How to explain....Truthfully. He is an alcoholic and the situation isn't working.
Yeah I know that is easier on paper than in reality.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Well, inaction is the present situation. He has been MIA for 5 days. I'm pretty sure he although had good intentions, only went to rehab out of fear of losing us. I don't know whether he has gotten to point where he actually doesn't WANT to drink. I don't think it's destroyed enough of him, his life or his relationships yet.
I'm so sorry Guava that you are going through a divorce. It honestly sounds like you did everything you could and more.
I am so close to my parents. I have three of them - mum, step dad and dad. I'm an only child too. All of them are beyond supportive in every way and my daughter is obviously their only grandchild so they adore her. They couldn't care less about the money, it's just me not wanting to let them down.
But it will be ok.
I'm so sorry Guava that you are going through a divorce. It honestly sounds like you did everything you could and more.
I am so close to my parents. I have three of them - mum, step dad and dad. I'm an only child too. All of them are beyond supportive in every way and my daughter is obviously their only grandchild so they adore her. They couldn't care less about the money, it's just me not wanting to let them down.
But it will be ok.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Maybear, you sound like a really steady, sensible, and grounded person dealing with a difficult situation. I felt like you do before I divorced too, but I guess it's matter of priorities.
Hope your AH turns up soon, and gives you a chance to evaluate his mental state and willingness to try recovery again. It's tragic that a good man would develop alcoholism like he has. I drank for years but only developed an unnatural liking for it in my 40s, but once it's happened there's no going back except abstinence.
Hope your AH turns up soon, and gives you a chance to evaluate his mental state and willingness to try recovery again. It's tragic that a good man would develop alcoholism like he has. I drank for years but only developed an unnatural liking for it in my 40s, but once it's happened there's no going back except abstinence.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
One part of me feels incredibly guilty for considering "bailing out" but the other part of me doesn't have a lot of hope. Who knows when/if he is going to recover and engage in that fight for his life.
I don't want to draw the line too late - after my daughter has grown up in a chaotic household and her precious life and innocent years taken from her. I don't want to be a stressed out mother for her. Plus, my life isn't for charity either. I'm 32, I've still got lots I want to do and at the moment a lot of energy is going towards worrying about him.
My dad is an alcoholic and my mum left him when I was 3 so I suppose I was somewhat spared a long ****** life but I've obviously attracted my Husband for a reason (I met him when I was 24 and in a totally different mindset). I'd really like to break the cycle. I don't want to see my daughter in the same situation when she grows up.
I don't want to draw the line too late - after my daughter has grown up in a chaotic household and her precious life and innocent years taken from her. I don't want to be a stressed out mother for her. Plus, my life isn't for charity either. I'm 32, I've still got lots I want to do and at the moment a lot of energy is going towards worrying about him.
My dad is an alcoholic and my mum left him when I was 3 so I suppose I was somewhat spared a long ****** life but I've obviously attracted my Husband for a reason (I met him when I was 24 and in a totally different mindset). I'd really like to break the cycle. I don't want to see my daughter in the same situation when she grows up.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Every friend I have ever known that has gotten divorced had the same fears of "letting people down." In fact one of my friends kept herself in a miserable marriage until both of her parents died. I have friends and relatives that are staying in soul-sucking relationships for the same reasons of not wanting to let their families or their churches down. Every friend I know that has gotten divorced because of being in a terrible relationship, once divorced feels better, looks better and has a new lease on life. It is very codependent to live our lives for other people's expectations. You have one precious life and only you are living it every second of every day. I believe the world is a better place when the people in it are happy and productive. That makes positive energy for all of us. As a mother of four, I would want my children's happiness to trump a miserable relationship any day!! I would just hope that when leaving a bad situation, they would do enough soul searching and self-introspection to better understand themselves before entering a new relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, the fear decreases with each step of recovery we make. I suggest explaining your husband's unacceptable behavior to your parents; surely they don't want you living in a traumatic household no matter how much they spent. My therapist said "we all have problems, it just depends on which ones you can live with, which you can't." Know that it's pride that's causing the fear, nothing external.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
My XAH was an alcoholic long before I married him, but I didn't know (grew up with no example of addiction). His family knew he had a problem, but didn't say anything. I held that against them at first, but realized that even if they HAD said something, I probably would have married him anyway.
That said, with the progression of the disease, his behavior started to get out of control in public, so we decided he wouldn't go to the bar anymore. He stayed home and drank, instead. Lost jobs, played video games, ignored me and kid. He had a double life. He put us in major debt, couldn't/wouldn't keep a job. I had enough, and I initiated divorce proceedings. He moved out.
A couple of years later, I realize why his family had been so hostile to me when we divorced. Blamed me for everything. Accused me of cheating. He told them all of this crazy, untrue stuff about me. And they bought it, even knowing what a liar he is.
Now, 4 detoxes and relapses later, they feel so bloody guilty about how they have apparently vilified me over the years. They try so hard to "make it up to me." I just want to be left alone by them. Of course I want them to see their grandchildren, but not if they are so quick to bash me for rightfully divorcing an end-stage alcoholic. They gave me no help, no support, and no quarter throughout our 7-year marriage. They were probably so relieved to have him off their hands; they were that much more pissed at me when I returned him.
The line I always take away from here that serves me well is: "What other people think about me is none of my business." There is no shame in saving yourself from a miserable life with a drunk. Let 'em talk.
That said, with the progression of the disease, his behavior started to get out of control in public, so we decided he wouldn't go to the bar anymore. He stayed home and drank, instead. Lost jobs, played video games, ignored me and kid. He had a double life. He put us in major debt, couldn't/wouldn't keep a job. I had enough, and I initiated divorce proceedings. He moved out.
A couple of years later, I realize why his family had been so hostile to me when we divorced. Blamed me for everything. Accused me of cheating. He told them all of this crazy, untrue stuff about me. And they bought it, even knowing what a liar he is.
Now, 4 detoxes and relapses later, they feel so bloody guilty about how they have apparently vilified me over the years. They try so hard to "make it up to me." I just want to be left alone by them. Of course I want them to see their grandchildren, but not if they are so quick to bash me for rightfully divorcing an end-stage alcoholic. They gave me no help, no support, and no quarter throughout our 7-year marriage. They were probably so relieved to have him off their hands; they were that much more pissed at me when I returned him.
The line I always take away from here that serves me well is: "What other people think about me is none of my business." There is no shame in saving yourself from a miserable life with a drunk. Let 'em talk.
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