Roxxxy

so.. my last thread implies that I was possibly dating another alcoholic. The status between him and I are friends. Yet, just reaching out to understand.

Let me backtrack. I have dated an alcoholic before in the past where we lived with one another. With that said, in the relationship I grew to understand his alcholic behavior, withdrawals and etc. As each day came the routine was always the same.... when he would drink, black out, withdrawals, abuse towards me and so on.

Two years later, today, I have gained my peace of mind back, self confidence, strength and passions in life in which was taken away from me when I dated exabf, he sucked the life out of me.

My friend "possible alcholic", I have grown to establish compassion and a connection with, feelings are mutual. Therefore, I care what happens to him. Since him and I don't live with one another and he lives a few hours away I don't know what to think. As in, sometimes when I'm trying to get in touch (when I know he drank the night before) I can't reach him. I'm concern that he's passed out dead. I know that's horrible to say and think but I worry. Should I even worry? Im not trying to control anything just a concerned friend. When I do reach him he tells me he drank a lot the night before and passed out.

I know I can't help or control his drinking. I know your all going to say... Take care of yourself he's not your problem... I know.. I know. It's just horrible to see alcoholism take control over the ones we care about, especially when they have so much potential in life - they are just letting life slip through their fingers.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, but I cannot think of a single healthy thing you can do to keep tabs on or manage an alcoholic's drinking. If you choose to, you can worry about it. That doesn't seem to do either one of you a whole lot of good, either.

Yes, it is sad and a terrible waste of life, but it's HIS life to waste if he chooses to do that. Accept it, worry about it, or let him go. Those are pretty much your options, as I see it.

Roxxxy

I'm making myself stressed and sick worrying. It was different when my exabf and I lived with one another, I had tabs on him with his drinking. Yet, because I did didn't change anything. He was still an alcoholic. The only thing that gave me comfort was being their by his side to see if he was ok. My friend lives far away. Therefore, I can't help but to think the worst. How do I find comfort with all of this?? Maybe you already answered my question.

SparkleKitty

Roxxxy, what was it about being by your XABF's side that gave you comfort? I always felt more comfortable when I felt like I could control by XABF's drinking or his environment somehow, but that was an illusion. I learned the hard way that he was going to do whatever he was going to do whether I was there or not. I had to accept that in order to move towards a more peaceful place, and stop trying to figure out a way for things to be different than they really were.

Roxxxy

Sparkle- I felt comfort knowing that I controlled where he was, which was with me and not at bar. He didn't have a car a relyed on me for everything. I also felt comfort knowing that if he blacked out I was their to overlook him, making sure he was still breathing. I know it's hard to understand my "comfort" that I had as I explain. Yet, it at least came me some peace of mind rather that always worrying for him.

AnvilheadII

especially when they have so much potential in life - they are just letting life slip through their fingers.


his potential is for HIM to decide.....no one else.
his life is for him to live as he sees fit.....no one else.
that is the edict for EACH of us.

The only thing that gave me comfort was being their by his side to see if he was ok.


I suggest you take a very hard look at this scenario.....

Roxxxy

Hmm. Avil, does seem as if I'm co-dependent? Not getting sassy just asking.

Sometimes I don't realize my thoughts or actions in situations - I take it if it's causing me any type of de stress then it's not healthy. What's my excuse?

marie1960

Alcoholism and the unacceptable behavior, are the same, regardless of the relationship status or living situation.

If I were in your shoes, I would be asking myself, " What the hell am I thinking, what am I trying to accomplish here ?" "Why do I feel the need to keep tabs on someone a couple hours away?" " how can that be my job or responsibility?" And let's not forget "who asked me to do this?"

If it is a relationship you are seeking, active alcoholics are not available partners. ( refer to former relationship with A, for additional confirmation)

My life experience says you are setting yourself up for a whole bunch of unnecessary heartache.

Perhaps a new hobby is in order?

I can think of a 1000 things to do, other than babysit an adult grown man, who would rather drink, and live in a world of make believe.

SparkleKitty

Believing that by being near him you can somehow control him or save him raised a codie red flag for me, at least, Roxxxy.

TalenCrowhaven

I've had to work very hard to give up my codie addiction. When I look back, I was picking men to feed my addiction of needing to control, needing to fix/help, falling in love with potential, etc...In the end, I was also addicted to the anxiety and excitement of it all and clearly was confusing these feelings with love. Stable, non-addict/non narc types just didn't do it for me. And, I was attracting them as well due to the signals that I was putting out when I met them.

I was very much like an alcoholic switching from one type of booze to another.

It's difficult to change, especially if we were programmed by our upbringing. But it can be done. These guys are now repulsive to me.

The withdrawal phase does suck and takes some work (on ourselves).

You can do this. Believe me, it's well worth the effort.

Roxxxy

Talent- You hit it on the nail, it makes sense and I can relate to you when you say ... "picking men to feed my addiction of needing to control, needing to fix." I come from a family of strong minded/opioniated women. What is the reason to control? I assume because we don't feel like we can control our own life's? I assume I still I need to fix myself so I stop this cycle of toxic men?? I thought I spend the last two years doing that. I'm exhausted/confused.

Roxxxy

Btw, I understand it takes more than two years to fix our selfs for whatever reason. I just meant that two years ago I was at my lowest considering situation. I've come a long way since. Yet, I find myself still needing to fix. Therefore, like I said I guess their is Still more
Soul searching within myself that I need to accomplish. Then again, It's a lifetime journey.