Coming to terms with repressed memories
 

Being away from my now XAH has allowed me to process a lot...many times I have to forgive myself for some ways I treated him-I was trying to protect myself and trying not to go crazy living with the lies, manipulation, games, blame, abuse. I'm having a hard time lately-had a dream the other night about when I was pregnant with our second child. My entire pregnancy he treated me awfully-skipping dr appts bc he was mad at me, not spending any time with me or our other daughter, drinking God only knows how much every night by himself, putting on the mr man of the family in front of ithers, you know-typical alcoholic crap. Then his dad died from cirrhosis-imagine that-at 58 years old, if i recall correctly. I had no idea how bad things were about to get as I was 7 months pregnant.
I had vivid dreams about how terrified I was many nights after his dad died. He was black out violent drunk-just angry at the world. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with many nights he came to bed in the middle of the night drunker than drunk and told me I was his wife and he wanted me to do what wives were supposed to do. He turned me over one night as I was dleeping and I woke up to him trying to have sex with me. I was terrifued. I didn't know what to do so I went along with it. I remember thinking at that moment I have never felt so low. I understood then more than ever that I was simply a possession to him, nothing more. I have honestly felt disgusted since those days and although our sex life was almost non existent due to his drinking, man it was good when we actually found common ground (I.e. He wasn't drunk)-I didn't realize how much I've struggled with this memory and the mornings after that I tried to explain how I felt to my husband and was called a p***y or a b***h or that maybe I should be a better wife and please him. I am ashamed I didn't stand up for myself, esp as a mother to two daughters that I would never ever want then to put up with any of the things I have witnessed. I will teach them that. I am not a thing; I am a strong, fearless woman who will never allow myself to be treated that way again. Still-as my therapist has stated many times, the trauma of what he put me through is like PTSD...the scars last forever.
Just processing a lot of seemingly repressed memories that still haunt me...I don't think I ever fully worked through those things as I was always so focused on him-how he felt, what if I made him abgry, what will he do since he's drunk, etc. Need to process a lot more to continue my recovery. The truth is I was scared in my marriage for so long because he was a bully and will never put nyself in that position ever again-for myself and the example for our girls-no amount of nice times make up for the scary abuse.

Thanks for listening to my rambling...just hard to process these things. I realize it's a needed step to not bury them though as I buried so much and that's why I drank and acted out. Almost three years sober and never gking back, no matter how painful it is to actually feel and work my way through the truth.

Any thoughts on coming to terms with things like this would be appreciated. Much love to you all.

Wow I share a very similar story to you.. It took me a long time to stand up to mine even after we had been divorced after he left me after he cheated lied and stole... He was still bullying me while I was raising our baby and nice to everyone else so I stood up to myself in the only way I knew how to.. In the form of police, criminal courts, judges, restraining orders and federal court.. And lots of money. I am broke financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally but at least I am using all forces I can stop the insanity.. It's worth ever cent even if it takes me years to pay off. There wasn't any other way I could stop it because I was so trapped.. He was sleeping with me cheating on his girlfriend who I didn't know about and now I am left to clean up the mess.. He bought so much drama into my life... I hate him.. I worry that I will get cancer someday from all the stress I am going through.. Meanwhile he's living it up in a beachside home with his latest squeeze with no responsibility. Everyday I wait for justice but I don't know if I will ever live to see it. I am hurt because his friends think I am the crazy/bad horrible one.. They have no idea of what he put me through.. I wish they knew how good of a wife I was to him. I hope they all feel bad one day for being so horrible to me too.

Four,

I'd suggest contacting the Rape Crisis Center or your local Women's Shelter. Sadly, sexual violence in abusive relationships is very common. Often the victims don't even think of it as rape until later--they just know they were scared and that it wasn't right.

You don't have to file any criminal charges to get help (though if you want to, that can be done, too). These groups can refer you to assistance for survivors of sexual violence and domestic violence, where you can have a safe place to work out your feelings and start to heal from this.

I'm so very sorry that it happened to you--it's a horrible violation of your dignity as a human being, not to mention a spouse/partner.

Hi, I really hope you're not going through this natural and understandable process on you own. You may actually have PTSD; it doesn't just happen to people who have been in the military.
You are trying to be strong, but no-one is fearless, or if they are they're probably not normal. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Can you afford or find a counsellor to help you process these memories? It really helps to talk to someone. I've been through a situation that traumatised me and found counselling speeded up the process of recovery.

I believe most Rape Crisis Centers and DV shelters have resources for counseling that are free.

I have a wonderful counselor, specializing in addiction so she understands both the addict side and the spouse side as well. She's helped me a lot.

That's great, but specialized help from someone trained in helping survivors deal with the trauma of intimate partner sexual violence might be of great value. It's much different from the "everyday" difficulties of living with an alcoholic partner.

Give it some thought, and if this continues to trouble you, know that there is specialized help to be had.

Lexie-thank you!

For, I'm so sorry. Your post sounds so very familiar. Gentle hugs, if OK. Lexie's idea of calling a rape crisis center or DV shelter to talk is a good one. I called after I realized what AXH did was rape; calling helped so much. I'm still working through the book Real Rape, Real Pain by Louise McOrmond-Plummer. I can't recommend it enough, but I will also say that it's helped to have a counselor to help me process everything that comes up.