Old habits die (really) hard.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
Old habits die (really) hard.
I think the saying is that "old habits die hard." Right? So the last time I posted here, probably about 3 weeks ago, I was asking for advice because the RA in my life was giving me the silent treatment and it had affected me so much that I became scared of him to be honest. Despite the advice I got, I decided to (try) to talk to him about it anyways. His family is a little dysfunctional so this kind of pattern is "normal" for him. Well we ended up reconciling; punishment over. Fight over. Bad mood over. Whatever you want to call it, it was over.
We had a really great day! But we also get into this really bad pattern when things are good: We spend a lot of time hanging out and texting. I get excited because I like him. He creates distance (out of fear). Because he creates distance I get insecure and emotional and dump all my feelings on him. He gets mad because I put expectations on him. We get into a fight or go silent, sometimes for 2 weeks, sometimes for 2 months.
My life has been going really well. And so has his! We've both been working on ourselves and I also give the credit to God. I realize that this pattern we have going on is NOT working and it's time to create new, healthy habits.
For some reason, with this particular person, I associate constant contact as love and silence as a punishment or a bad thing. That's not true in my other relationships; if I go a couple weeks without talking to friends or family I don't just assume they don't love me!
So I've gone all week without talking to him. And too, let's be real, my life (our lives) aren't that exciting so really it's not like we are missing out. I also decided to stop texting so much. If I want to talk to someone, I need to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation where I hear their voice...or go meet them in person.
And I did away with social media. Mainly because I had this awful habit of comparing myself to other women in his life: ex girlfriends, girls he hates, girls he's friends with, ect. ect. That had to stop. It's creepy and not healthy.
But tonight I'm having a rough time. It's the co-dependent in me thinking: Well what if he thinks I don't like him because I haven't talked to him all week! Or what if he thinks I'm mad at him! What if he's mad at me! Or don't appreciate him! What if he's out on a date with so-and-so. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF and it's driving me insane.
I know in reality, he does love me. I know that I just talked to him and saw him less than a week ago and that 7 days without being around somebody is NOTHING! In fact, I know if I picked up the phone to call him right now we probably wouldn't have much to talk about. And I know that if I can be patient and work on these healthy habits that our relationship will be better off. I've had a good weekend, really I have. But those what if's in the back of my mind are getting at me!
We had a really great day! But we also get into this really bad pattern when things are good: We spend a lot of time hanging out and texting. I get excited because I like him. He creates distance (out of fear). Because he creates distance I get insecure and emotional and dump all my feelings on him. He gets mad because I put expectations on him. We get into a fight or go silent, sometimes for 2 weeks, sometimes for 2 months.
My life has been going really well. And so has his! We've both been working on ourselves and I also give the credit to God. I realize that this pattern we have going on is NOT working and it's time to create new, healthy habits.
For some reason, with this particular person, I associate constant contact as love and silence as a punishment or a bad thing. That's not true in my other relationships; if I go a couple weeks without talking to friends or family I don't just assume they don't love me!
So I've gone all week without talking to him. And too, let's be real, my life (our lives) aren't that exciting so really it's not like we are missing out. I also decided to stop texting so much. If I want to talk to someone, I need to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation where I hear their voice...or go meet them in person.
And I did away with social media. Mainly because I had this awful habit of comparing myself to other women in his life: ex girlfriends, girls he hates, girls he's friends with, ect. ect. That had to stop. It's creepy and not healthy.
But tonight I'm having a rough time. It's the co-dependent in me thinking: Well what if he thinks I don't like him because I haven't talked to him all week! Or what if he thinks I'm mad at him! What if he's mad at me! Or don't appreciate him! What if he's out on a date with so-and-so. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF and it's driving me insane.
I know in reality, he does love me. I know that I just talked to him and saw him less than a week ago and that 7 days without being around somebody is NOTHING! In fact, I know if I picked up the phone to call him right now we probably wouldn't have much to talk about. And I know that if I can be patient and work on these healthy habits that our relationship will be better off. I've had a good weekend, really I have. But those what if's in the back of my mind are getting at me!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi 987, every family is different, if I can call you two a family. I've worked with people who are on the phone constantly to their husband/wife/daughter (no sons lol), or talk to them at least once a day. I am close to my children but would average once or twice a week contact with my DD and less with my DS.
If I was seeing someone who constantly texted it would drive me mad; into myself actually. I might be wrong, but I think a lot of guys are like that.
Did you tell him you're going to ease up on the texts, or leave him to wonder? I'm not sure which would be best. I think you're doing the right thing, and I hope putting less pressure on him will cause him to come out of himself a bit.
The passive/agressive 'silent treatment' is not a good way for him to handle conflict though. It might help to say something along the lines of 'you're acting annoyed with me, please tell me what the problem is'.
If I was seeing someone who constantly texted it would drive me mad; into myself actually. I might be wrong, but I think a lot of guys are like that.
Did you tell him you're going to ease up on the texts, or leave him to wonder? I'm not sure which would be best. I think you're doing the right thing, and I hope putting less pressure on him will cause him to come out of himself a bit.
The passive/agressive 'silent treatment' is not a good way for him to handle conflict though. It might help to say something along the lines of 'you're acting annoyed with me, please tell me what the problem is'.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
If you are planning on liviing the rest of your life with the RA you need to work a program for yourself. You need to learn about the disease, as at any moment he can start drinking. You need to know what you are up against.
Once you educate yourself about the disease, then you can educate what you can do for your recovery. By minding "your side of the street" that is part of the recovery for an alanon. I think this would really help you in your relationship. I hope that he is working a program along with not drinking. Because if he is not then he is nothing but a dry drunk and he will never fully recover.
Good luck to you and if you want to become a better you, hit some meetings and keep reading and posting!!
Once you educate yourself about the disease, then you can educate what you can do for your recovery. By minding "your side of the street" that is part of the recovery for an alanon. I think this would really help you in your relationship. I hope that he is working a program along with not drinking. Because if he is not then he is nothing but a dry drunk and he will never fully recover.
Good luck to you and if you want to become a better you, hit some meetings and keep reading and posting!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It sounds like you are way more invested in this relationship then he is.
Why isn't he calling you in over a week? He has told you not to expect much, he's not invested for the long run like you. Maybe your expectations about this man and relationship needs to be readjusted.
If he's not doing anything to keep you in a secure, healthy relationship then why are you fighting so hard to stay?
Why isn't he calling you in over a week? He has told you not to expect much, he's not invested for the long run like you. Maybe your expectations about this man and relationship needs to be readjusted.
If he's not doing anything to keep you in a secure, healthy relationship then why are you fighting so hard to stay?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
We both struggle with issues of getting close to people. He has had a lot of loss in life the past two years so he admits he is afraid to get close to people, heck this even applies to pets and his own family. It's a long story, but then again it always is. Things either go way too fast or they are at a dead stop so that's why I wanted to try something different and break those old habits. Calling someone doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most but it is when you despise talking on the phone! I do think I need to go to al anon on a regular basis and learn to just live in the moment. One thing that bothers me in al anon and I've noticed it here too, is that when I refer to the RA in my life as a HE everyone always assumes it's my boyfriend. I will admit that I like him and we do love each other but we are not in a defined relationship. He's not ready for that and that's ok. We have been close friends for most of our lives.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
987.....maybe developing more social outlets would be a good goal...do you think?
I agree with you that alanon would be a good thing for you to do.
It does seem like he is occupying a "sort of" boyfriend role in your life....even if it is undefined.
What about keeping him as a friend---like he has been, already for most of your lives...
and developing a romantic type relationship with someone else.
It is generally very hard to turn a platonic friend into a love relationship....and, vice versa. Turning a lover into platonic friendship is equally hard. That kind of a change requires a complete change in roles......
I am just wondering...would you say that you are a fairly introverted person, in general.....?
dandylion
I agree with you that alanon would be a good thing for you to do.
It does seem like he is occupying a "sort of" boyfriend role in your life....even if it is undefined.
What about keeping him as a friend---like he has been, already for most of your lives...
and developing a romantic type relationship with someone else.
It is generally very hard to turn a platonic friend into a love relationship....and, vice versa. Turning a lover into platonic friendship is equally hard. That kind of a change requires a complete change in roles......
I am just wondering...would you say that you are a fairly introverted person, in general.....?
dandylion
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