LIC

Separated from alcoholic ex. Took him to ER two weeks ago because i suspected alcohol poisoning. He was admitted to ICU and released himself AMA. Now he's been non responsive for 60 hours after calling to tell me his leg was numb. I told him to call 911 and go to ER. No other local family. Do I hire a sitter so I can go over and check on him or leave him alone? I think he could die???

dandylion

LIC....I don't know where you live, but you can always call the pol ice and ask them to go by and do a status check on him.

dandylion

LexieCat

I second dandylion's suggestion. The police will often go by and do a welfare check. Much better (for both of you) than your going over there.

ErinGoBragh

I stopped rescuing when I realized my identity was nothing more than "rescuer." I was beat up, beat down, exhausted, resentful, angry, frustrated ... well, you get my drift.

I had NO life. NO. LIFE.

I had to make a choice to stay and remain in the cycles of insanity or leave and work towards becoming sane. I was very, very sick when I left my AH. And I was so worn out from it all, I just sat and did nothing for about two months.

I wanted my life back. MY life. I loved my husband until the second he left this world. But I couldn't get him sober and I couldn't make him realize he was dying from alcoholism.

It was a painful loss, and I'll grieve for a long, long time. But I know that I finally came to the realization that I only get one chance to live my life and as long as I stayed with him, I wasn't living it.

ErinGoBragh

I hate to tell you this, but you have to respect his right to choose death. He may not die; then again, he may.

I last talked to my husband on 1/8/14. On 1/16/15, he was found dead in his apartment. I sent him one email in August 2014 to inquire about a business matter. I got no response, and at that time I didn't know if he was alive or dead.

I knew I had made peace with my decision to leave when I spent a wonderful Christmas 2014 alone with my senior--citizen cat. I thought about my husband on Christmas Eve and simply said to myself, "I wish him well."

Sure, I'd still like more closure on his last few hours, but I went into the place he lived the last two months of his life. I got my answer. It was a nightmare. Broken glass in the kitchen, cigarette burns in the carpet, busted-up furniture, vomit, feces, urine, and blood all over the place.

It was very, very bad. I will never comprehend the insanity of alcoholism. But, like many things in life, I just have to make peace with no answers.

My advice? I'd leave your husband alone. It sucks, but he is an adult who has the right to make his choices. Your are not his savior. I'm sorry.

LIC

Thank you all - yes, my identity is rescuer. Even though I asked him to leave (and he did) in early September, I've been consistently rescuing him. I'm so tired. I've lost 10 pounds in the last six months without trying - now a size 2, and I shouldn't be. I have two young kids and I just struggle with idea that someday they'll wonder if I could have done more to save their father.

NWGRITS

If you get the children help - which they're going to need - the impact of your actions won't be "Why didn't you save him?" They will have a grounded understanding of what alcoholism is and that none of you could have done anything differently to change it. I think most people underestimate the damage this does to children. They need help and very few will get it until they're adults and either are trying to work things out because of a failure to adapt in the real world, or are battling addictions of their own. I'm one the former, just now learning how to be a functioning responsible adult, and I'll be 32 in June.

Impurrfect

I can only share my ES&H. Though it was drugs, not alcohol, there are similarities to what Erin went through.

My stepmom (sm) was addicted to pain pills (opiates) and anxiety meds (benzos). I'm a recovering addict, have done a little bit of everything. I knew she was heading down a bad path.

My dad was in denial, my sm was furious when I called her out on her actions.

She was livid at me, for pointing out the obvious.

A little over a year ago, I woke up early, went in the den and found her unconscious. I tried CPR, but it was too late. She was dead.

I had done everything I knew to do. I had, long ago, told her "I will check you for breathing (when she passed out), if you aren't breathing, I will call 911. If you are, I will let you lay where you are".

I am not heartless. I loved that woman. I also know what it's like to be an addict. I went through years of her abuse, passing out, etc.

The paramedics that showed up told me "she hasn't been gone long, but yes, she is gone".

I went through "what if I had woke up earlier? Could I have saved her?"

I now know that even if I had "saved her", she was hell bent on numbing her pain and I couldn't fix that.

We do the best we can do. We have to accept that those we love also have their own plans. Sometimes, what we want and what they want just doesn't work out.

I don't know why I lived through addiction, yet my sm didn't. I just have to believe there is a reason.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

atalose

I stopped rescuing him when I realized I was the one who needed to be rescued.

987g

Alcoholics and addicts don't want to be rescued. They know what they are doing.
A friend of mine put it this way: if he wanted drugs he had to go to his drug dealer. If he wants sobriety he has to go looking for that to. It's not just going to be presented to him. He's got to want it himself.

jarp

I identify with your post very much.

My AH was out of home for 5 months last year. Similar to yours (ex I also got explicit suicide threats or messages).

I realised very quickly that this was a part of the manipulation. AH was able to keep drawing me in, keeping himself central...even though he wasn't even in the house. Sorry correct that... I ALLOWED IT.

I did care ver much for him, and had the same dilemma re our kids. In the end I'd get the police to do welfare checks or call ambulances for him. I didn't even go to the hospital on the occasions he'd self harmed or attempted suicide.

I just kept in mind...I'm not a paramedic, doctor or any other kind of health professional. So IF AH needed medical assistance, I wasn't going to be able to provide that anyway. AH got pretty tired of those ambulances and police showing up...I do truly believe it was one of the things that helped him book HIMSELF into detox and rehab. If I'd gone running he would still be laying those games.

jarp

Also as Erin said....if he wants to die, on some level we need to respect his right to choose. AH's psych gave me a good talking to about this...and it hit home.

tanzanitelover

I am married to an old man who is older than my father would be today poor man had a very sad life died of a heart attack at 53 way before he should have makes me mad when i see how my husband abuses his health.I didnt sleep last night bad day husband very drunk and i could hear him banging around probably falling i never know weather i should go check on him .I fear one day i will find him dead it unnerves me .Do we like the other poster asked just leave him last time in Jan he fell when the paramedics said he was near death and told him so i felt they could blame me for something if i didnt he calls me awful names and tells me to put the phone down . I posted few weeks ago i got my son to sleep in his brothers room as husband was screaming out very loudly and im worried it keeps him awake .Iwas going to my first Alanon meeting today but my daughter needed somes items from the mall so missed it but i am going to one in the next week.I did take my boys to dinner and i felt very proud of them as there was a lady with 3 kids holding a poster saying needed help lost her job i couldnt stop cars behind my youngest said i feel bad Mum he took money from his wallet and i turned around went back to her and both my boys gave her money i felt very proud of their caring hearts made my day bright i know its off topic but i made me happy .

zoso77

Call the police and have them check on him.

Eauchiche

I am certainly no better than the rest of you!!!
Been separated from my mate for a year, AND working my program VERY hard.
In spite of this, I offered today to move back in with him so he doesn't lose his house. He turned me down- refuses to live with me.

I can NEVER quit my program. I look at his refusal as the hand of my higher power. Now I can proceed with my life.

LIC

Thank you all - still struggling. Both his family and my own say not to engage (even to call police for welfare check) as it perpetuates my role as rescuer. Kids watching tv and playing nicely as I cry silently wondering if their father is dead (or simply just in the process of what I consider to be prolonged suicide).

dandylion

LIC.....I say...make your OWN decisions as to calling to police or not.
Families are not usually very good resources for advice on situations of this kind---as they are looking through their own filters (with their own distortions).

dandylion

LexieCat

I don't know that calling the police to check on him is "rescuing"--I look at that as something I might do for a neighbor I haven't seen in a few days.

It's totally up to you. I think if it were me, I'd probably call and have the police check, if only for the reason you mentioned--the kids. I don't think you need to "do" anything, yourself, to "save" him (as you realize, you really can't), but having the police check doesn't make you a "rescuer," IMO.

If you decide against it, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I can see both sides of the issue. Only you know what you can live with.

fluffyflea

Call 911 so they can check on him if you are that worried about but then he is on his own.......

Got to Alanon meetings for you........

NYCDoglvr

For me it when I understood that rescuing is another word for enabling.