jarp

And I feel so sad.

AH has been sober six month.

He had 2 lite beers yesterday. Told me, doesn't know why he did, is minimising it. I barely reacted. Asked him what his 'intentions are with drinking from here on in'. I know, don't waste my breath.

Like so many others, I thoroughly getting sober would fix many of our problems. Many, not all.

It hasn't. For the first 3 months life was glorious. His addiction psych said he was probably on a post rehab high (which is common apparently).

I spoke with our MC on my own yesterday as she rang to see how we wee aft our last session. She's very concerned about him. She's sharing her concerns wih the rest of his medical team. But at the end of the day it's down to him.

She did say that I can truly say to myself with 100%authenticity, that I did everything I could. That I can look our son in the eye and tell him this as truth.

I don't know whether I tell AH that I can feel myself giving up. It's the one regret that I had over the end of my marriage wi my ex. I never told him that I could feel myself pulling away from our marriage, and by the time I realised, it was too late. Nothing could change my mind...trouble was, once he realised I was actually serious...he wanted to make it work.

But ex wasn't an A. And alcohol didn't play a part in the end of our marriage.

I'd be telling him to try to get him to change his behaviour, which I know is wrong.

Im just feel so sad, so depressed, so tired.

Today I have to take my codie mum to my abusive fathers grave to grieve for him one year in from his death. That's compounding my feelings. I don't want to. I'm doing it for her, but I can't pretend to grieve. I feel hypocritical.

happybeingme

Jarp,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You really have given so much to this marriage. It is ok to feel as you do. While the experts sometimes don't like to admit it, some alcoholics struggle forever with their addiction. You are allowed to say " enough is enough."

The thing with your mum. It may be best to get someone else to take her in the future.

dandylion

Jarp...."Letting Go" and "Giving Up" are not the same thing.

Sometimes in life, the only sane thing that we can do is to consciously let go.

To thine own self, be true.

dandylion

knowthetriggers

So sorry you are hurting. Will keep all of you in my prayers.

Take care of you!

LexieCat

jarp, there is a book that I read when I was going through both my divorces, and after my last breakup. It's called, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It's an older book (written in 1986) but what I found so interesting were the dynamics of how marriages or relationships come apart. It's really a sociological study, but not full of statistics--the author interviewed many, many couples in all kinds of long-term relationships in the process of breaking up, and one of the things she found was that in almost every case, one partner "initiates" the breakup by feeling dissatisfied, and there are stages of making efforts to keep the relationship going, but that often the "partner" (the one who isn't the "initiator") is completely blindsided when the breakup finally happens. Every one of my breakups fit that pattern. It isn't really a self-help book, but it did help me kind of identify what was going on during the process and to feel like it is kind of how these things tend to work.

The book is on Amazon, and I'm not sure whether you'd find it helpful or not. I did.

redatlanta

Jarp - Just lots of hugs. And tons of respect. If I could grant one thing to everyone on this board it would be peace in their lives.

Find yours.

Best,

Red

Hawkeye13

I don't blame you for asking what his intentions are with drinking.
I'd want to know too if I was sharing a house with him.

Nobody, but nobody, could have given more than you have Jarp.
But I know what you mean about turning the corner emotionally--
You just can't keep letting energy flow out you know will be gone forever

Hugs and more hugs. What extra support can you get right now face to face?

cookiesncream

I am so sorry Jarp. In the many alcohol memoirs I've read by those in recovery there is a phrase that Augusten Burroughs wrote in one of his books (Running with Scissors he's best known for). He went through rehab, relapsed BIG time about eight months later. After nearly killing himself he got sober and stayed sober. His wise advice to alcoholics is that in order for sobriety to "stick" one MUST find something that they want in life MORE than alcohol. That takes a lot particularly when one has been addicted for as long as it sounds like your husband has. My heart goes out to you. I would have left LONG LONG ago if I were you and I admire your strength. I hope this doesn't turn into a full blown relapse but I fear otherwise. I hope for the strength for you to make the decisions you will likely need to make to save your own sanity.

Peace,

Cookies

Lirio

I am new to this - H sober 4 months, I guess he is RAH? - but I can identify with many things you have written in your posts. I sometimes think that, yeap, alcohol has not removed some of the problems we had before. We are both working on it, his program, my program and couples therapy, but.... not sure where we are heading. Painful and scary!

I am so sorry you are going through this pain! Your MC said you have given it a 100%! I would say you have given it 1000%!!

Hope you find some peace and calm in the midst of the pain!

(((HUGS)))

jarp

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your support.

zoso77

In my experience, he did it because he wants to be able to drink without facing any consequences. Lite beers or not, it's still alcohol. All it takes is one moment of denial, or one moment of dishonesty, and they're back on the wrong path. Only time will tell regarding how far he goes down that path. Maybe he'll turn it around quickly. Maybe he'll go a long, far ways. Whatever he does or doesn't do, you have no control over it.

You've gotten some good feedback from our members. Absorb what resonates with you the most, and do what you believe is best for you.

Stung

I'm just sending you hugs. You've been through an awful lot this past year with your AH. I echo what Red said about finding your own peace.