johnno1

OK I really need to do this detach thing as i seem to be obsessed and angry with him for drinking, and I started an argument with him when he upset me, because he was drinking

And he totally changed it about me and my problems very nasty then later did the guilt trip pity party thing I fully saw how it went instead of getting sucked into it,
tho it still hurt as he said mean stuff accusing me how sensitive I am etc etc.

Anyway all he has ever asked of me is to quit hassling him about his drinking
I seriously think he would be stoked to be honest because he wont Have me judging him etc its all he's ever asked of me is to quit giving him **** for drinking , so I guess he will get his way, this bothers me by not letting him know as he will think I'm OK about his drinking?

Just feeling so confused and have no one to talk to, I'm going to counselor next week though.

FeelingGreat

Hi johnno, you want him to stop drinking, he doesn't want to stop. There doesn't seem to be much room for compromise there. Do you see much future for the relationship?

Lilypad1980

I used to be like that about my husband. I then Realised that if he's going to drink he's going to drink. It doesn't matter if I stress about it or not. He will do it either way if he wants to. I found that me worrying about if he was going to drink caused more pressure for him as well as me.
I also realised that it's something I can not control. So now I try not to stress about it and just accept its him and only him that decides to drink or not.

I'm lucky, he has been sober for the best part of 3 and a half years, with just a couple of minor blips which he recognised and got help for.

Also not all alcoholics are abusive and nasty. Do not let him use alcohol as an excuse to put you down and be nasty to you. Something's you can't control, however you can control of you stay with him or not.

johnno1

Right now I see no hope for us, I've made it so clear I don't want to live with a heavy drinker.....then I just hear all the classic excuses, and he thinks it's my fault too by my complaining of his drinking and I never look at what he does good , to be fair he does a lot of good it's not all bad,
and of course I think it's all him and the drinking which has developed all our problems, I used to be lovely nice and laid back I blame his drinking that's changed me, it has I'm angry and negative .
As you can see we are in completely different chapters of thinking, make that books!
I just wish he wouldn't drink.

Lilypad1980

He sounds like he doesn't want to stop. Blaming you is not fair. Has he ever stopped for a long period of time? How long has he had a drink problem?

LexieCat

You don't have to have drinking in your life if you don't want it. It doesn't matter whether that's "reasonable" from someone else's perspective or not.

You don't have to decide your entire future this minute. Detachment can help reduce the emotional effect of the drinking to some extent, and help to avoid those pointless arguments. Meantime, I'd suggest Al-Anon to get your head on straight so you can decide how you want your future to look. Things will eventually become clearer.

knowthetriggers

It is hard to understand detachment but in time, with the right support/recovery, you can understand it and start to apply it.

Glad to see you will be meeting with a counselor. And as Lexi mentioned, Alanon would also help to better understand your situation.

SparkleKitty

I've been there. I had to stop waiting for other people to change so I could be happy. It was scary to empower myself to do what was best for me and risk being alone, but my decision to do so saved me and paved the way for a bounty of wonderful people and relationships to come into my life.

johnno1

Thanks so much years I'm a mess about it all we have 3 kids too which makes it very difficult thanks for responses I really need some help as NO body gets it only you guys

hopeful4

You are not alone!

AnvilheadII

The parable of the Monkey and the Jar really applies here.

There’s an oft repeated tale about how certain hunters in Africa catch monkeys. It can be very difficult to corral these intelligent creatures, so hunters have used a more inventive method…trapping a monkey by enticing him. A small jar is placed at the base of a tree with nuts or other items which may attract the monkey’s curiosity.

The opening of the jar allows the monkey to place his hand in, but when he tries to withdraw it, he is unable to do so without letting go of the contents of the jar. Believe it or not, some monkeys will stay there with their hand in the jar until the hunter comes back to trap them! They are trapped because they are unwilling to let go of something they are doing which is working against them.

It’s not just monkeys who get trapped by what we are unwilling to release. While, most of us would not be tempted by peanuts or sweets in a jar, it’s amazing the things we will hang onto rather than release them so we can move on.

johnno1

Thanks yes my husband says I hold on to the past issues and I need to let them go too.
it's a good visual for me the monkeys in Africa lol thanks!

BlueChair

Theres another option also, not sure if youve heard of it. The method I use is called Community Reinforcement and Family Training. (A.k.a. Craft). This is a behavioral approach and it allows for natural negative consequences of drinking to happen, but adds in positive reinforcements for when a person is not drinking. Its based on the exact idea of what your saying, yelling, nagging, pleading, threatening dont work and make the other person angry and defensive. It mostly causes you frustration and erodes the marriage too. Craft emphasizes changes in the way you communicate so old patterns are broken, and new concepts of collaboration are brought into the mix.

Id recommend this book, How Science and Kindness Help People Change. And some of us have been studying the book and doing a summary here on SR if you want to browse it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

johnno1

Thanks yes I've read the start of this thanks, but I don't know if it's just now but I seriously have lost respect t and don't even want to be kind and loving? I just don't like him :-(

It breaks my heart I know within a month I will again but I guess this is cycle I'm in.

yes I know he is nothing like any of you right in here you would think he is a saint. I read the threads and it validates to me he could be right - I'm over reacting. But I hate him drinking full stop, why does no one get that,? He makes out I'm the ungrateful wife because of this. I hate this.
everyone says drinking is progressive and gets worse, but he is much better than he was when we meet he hardly ever has blackouts now maybe only a few times a year compared to monthly before.


Thanks

LexieCat

"Blackout drinking" is a pretty sure sign of alcoholism. Normal drinkers don't black out, even if they pass out. And the "progression" of alcoholism doesn't necessarily go in a straight line, either. Sometimes people (especially early on) can partially control their. I used to be able to do what I called "keeping it on a short leash" if I had a lot of responsibilities at work. But once that was over and I could drink the way I WANTED to, it went right back the way it was. I couldn't control it over the long term, or consistently of reliably.

And anyway, if you don't like the way he is when he drinks, then it's a problem for YOU, regardless of whether he's an alcoholic or not.