SwiftHeart

Short back story: H is a lifelong alcoholic. Apparently, he is also a cheater. I have been trying to make it work despite his increasing hostility and alcohol dependence, and then I walked in on him with another woman a month ago. We have been separated since and are discussing a possible reconciliation in 6 months if he stops drinking and attends therapy - so far he is attending therapy but still drinking.

Okay, so, I am starting to suspect that I am simply attracted to alcoholics and that this is an issue I need to resolve as soon as humanly possible.

Before I met my current H, I was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic. He was nothing like H except for the womanizing part. He did not have a bad temper and was not prone to displays of any kind of emotion for the most part. However, he was an extremely heavy drinker and had all kinds of problems.

Before him, I had brief relationship (6 months) with a guy who was hospitalized for drinking too much.

And now I am developing this semi-crush on a friend (who was friends with my husband first and foremost). This guy is an extremely heavy drinker, although to be honest I've never seen him or anyone else drink like H does.

There is more to the situation, naturally, but I am alarmed by this for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I could feel any kind of attraction for a heavy drinker right now. The sound of a beer can opening makes me sick to my stomach . . .

Before I get flamed, I do think alot of this *current* situation has to do with the psychological MESS of H's affair and the general misery of the last year. I also do not intend to act on anything. I'm married (to a philandering jerk, but that doesn't change anything for me). I'm breastfeeding. I have had THREE rounds of STD screenings in the last 6 months, and getting physical with someone is sort of just out of the question.

So, there are a couple options here:

A) I'm crazy about alcoholics for some bizarre reason.
B) I'm just not put off by alcoholism the way I should be
C) It's all coincidence.

To be fair, the friend I'm referring to has been amazing with me and there is alot of back story. He's sort of been the person I turned to whenever H was spiraling and is the one person who can get H to look his behavior in a more logical way.

During my first pregnancy, he use to come over to spend time with H and I--fully knowing H would just get hammered and pass out. So, this guy was coming over and spending hours on end playing video games with this GIANT pregnant lady (me). This went on for months. Nothing even remotely inappropriate happened. I was just thrilled to have company during a really emotional time, especially when H was dead set on getting trashed every night and basically drinking himself into a coma. This guy has literally hundreds of friends and could have been anywhere, with anyone, and he kept choosing to come spend time with this absolutely whale-ish pregnant woman.

He's amazing with both my sons.

He's a very attractive person, not in a physical way, per say. He is good looking, but what I mean is that people of all ages and genders seem drawn to him. Everyone. It is almost humorous to see, at times, because he is occasionally overwhelmed by the attention. I actually thought, back when I was pregnant, that spending time at our house was kind of an escape for him. It was the only explanation I could think of.

Anyway, he has been sort of in the middle of this whole alcoholic husband mess and has been the person treating me like human being while H is either abandoning me to drunkenness or infuriated with me over who knows what.

I always felt drawn to him before, but it was meaningless because I was in love with my husband and was completely committed. There was literally not a person on the planet who could have made me betray his trust or our relationship.

I guess walking in on him with another woman changed that.

I called this friend a couple weeks afterwards, to see if he could talk some sense into H or even find out if there was any hope at all, and instead I noticed my feelings were different.

I haven't said anything to him about it. I'm not going to. I'm just sort of flabbergasted with myself. After all this misery, literally years of alcohol related chaos of trauma, I'm feeling drawn toward another heavy drinker.

I want to reiterate that this NOT something I will pursue at any point. There is absolutely no way I will risk putting my kids through more nonsense.

I guess what I am getting at here is . . . what causes an attraction to alcoholics? Neither of my parents were drinkers when I was a kid, although my mother developed some drinking problems later in life and my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic for decades (I didn't know him well until after the fact, though).

fluffyflea

We tend to gravitate towards what we know even though it's bad for us.

SwiftHeart

I guess, in a way, my father does display alot of alcoholic-esque behavior. My mother always called him a dry drunk. He never was alcoholic, but she claimed he'd learned all the behavior patterns from my alcoholic grand father.

That is the only thing I can think of.

dandylion

SwiftHeart....what I see is that you are in need of normal supportive human relationships...and, anywhere you see it...you are like a person in the desert who is dehydrated and thirsty....and, will go for anything that is water...even if it is contaminated.

Alcoholics can frequently be charming and friendly and attractive in that way..especially, in the beginning. They are also very needy and have a passel of other problems under the surface--that they drink to cope with. But, by the time you realize these other problems---you are already "hooked" by your deep craving for the attention and the affections. Alcoholics can also "smell" co-dependents from across the room. They have antennae for this. They "need" what you are selling also...lol!
Men can have these same traits without being alcoholic, though--there can be other problems that are just as bad...particularly with the personality disordered.

Those of us with low self esteem can be amazing in the ability to tolerate or overlook bad behaviors...because we, basically, don't believe that we deserve better...so we don't demand better in a potential mate.

Swift..at least, you are looking at a "pattern"....at least, you are peeping at it, a little.
That is a good start.
This goes back to the need to do self work, and getting to know and understand yourself...and, how you got to where you are now.
My suggestion?....start with finding a therapist to work with you. I don't want to say alanon...because I don't know how much abuse might be in the background or not (from your partners). But, a good therapist would know. I'm talking investing a chunk of time to ongoing therapy.
If you want this pattern to stop and to change how you are living your life...you have to be willing to take action on your own part. None of these guys are going to do it.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Just m ore of the same.
You might call your dv center and just ask for their recommendation for group or individual counseling.I feel like you could use some face to face interactions with normal caring human beings.

This would be the best thing you could do for your baby's mother, also.

I have given these few words on the subject...because you ASKED. They are meant to give you food for thought.

dandylion

redatlanta

Good points by all.

I would be more apt to say you are attracted to people with problems. Codependents are problem solvers Codie's like to control other people it makes them feel more secure. Codie's like to feel that a partner/friend "needs" them therefore is less likely to leave them.

I suppose it could be just a human nature but I would also say Codie's do not like being in limbo. Our core is to fix things and when things aren't getting fixed this does not compute.

As for the friend he has been a Knight in Shining Armor for you for awhile Sounds like his presence as on more than one occasion diffused problems or possible ones in your home by being there, or by actively being involved. As you said he offers you attention and support that you don't get from you hisband. I think I am attracted to him too lol.

So what's that all about ^^^. 1) recognizing that you have needs that aren't being met by your spouse. 2). Recognizing that you can be fulfilled by someone else other than your spouse. Great. Some people fixate that their spouse and partner is the only one that can fill their needs. Not suggesting you replace AH with friend by any means NO big mistake.

I'll go a bit further and suggest the apparent "crush" might just be something positive to look forward to. Isn't it also human nature when facing a crisis to look for something to get our minds off the current situation? I have said before that IMO Codie's behavior often mimics that of an alcoholic. They go for the booze and we go for another problem. Take up knitting lol. That's a joke obviously but not really. Look for something positive to focus on outside of AH that brings you pleasure in a healthy way not a more problematic way.

knowthetriggers

^^ditto....

FeelingGreat

Hi Swift, you're right to be wary because you're very vulnerable at the moment. Is it the bad boys you like, and they just happen to be alcoholics? I'm attracted to quiet men, and guess what? My dad was a quiet man.

It's good that you're able to recognise this tendency, and hopefully avoid the consequences. You could probably nut it out with a counsellor, or if that's not possible there are quite a few books out there on the subject.

Hawks

Personally I think it goes the other way..... At least that's been my experience.

Rescuing complex and nurse syndrome types have a hound like nose for a good "project "

And boy do they mean business when they acquire a target.

Poor old alcoholic doesn't want rescuing....we love to drink!!!!

That's where the trouble starts..... "Oh I can't believe you won't give up alcohol for me"

"excuse me, but when we started dating did you ever make it crystal clear that that was your expectations ?"

"no, I didn't, I just assumed "

Oops...... Bad assumption.

I've tried to warn off five females in the last five years about getting involved with an alchie or addict..... But nope, they're convinced that the other girls were all quitters and that they could love them straight.

Every single one of them has been back in tears going "dammit, you may have been right"

3 have bailed, 2 are still not convinced (high pain threshold I guess)

Anyways, you might be one of the high pain threshold rescuing types and like DL said.... Get some help with that.

ladyscribbler

My first major crush in junior high turned out to be an alcoholic. Got his first DUI at 16 about 2 minutes after getting his license.
So did many of my other subsequent crushes and relationships. There was also a good mix of compulsive liars, cheaters, and a whole parade of other fixer uppers. The flip side of that was the super needy guys, I called them Clingons in another thread, the ones who needed a mommy to take care of them. My last ex was a bit of both.
So yeah, my picker is/was busted (haven't had the courage to test it out lately). Good thing it only took me 35 years to figure it out.

Florence

My picker is/was busted. My catnip is the aging punk rock guy with bad attitude, an unavailable heart, and broody, self-destructive habits. I've dated drug dealers, alcoholics, and even one guy that years later is serving a life sentence for murder. Fortunately I've been through a TON of therapy and I know that sometimes what looks good isn't what's best for me.

If you met me, you would never know it -- I look like a normal, thirty-something, TV-watching, Midwestern mom. Ha!

Anyway, I recognize this in myself now. I am seeing someone who is none of these things, he is kind, available, emotionally mature, and very generous, and I feel safe, happy, and whole in this relationship. I'm not fixing anyone, and nobody needs "fixed." It's an awesome thing. After I left my ex, I was celibate and in counseling for two years on purpose, because I knew I couldn't do this anymore, and I certainly couldn't do this to my kids anymore.

Individual counseling was a godsend for me. I highly recommend it to work through this stuff.

hopeful4

Dandy hit it on the head. You need a therapist, you have been through a lot.

Hugs to you.

SparkleKitty

The partners we choose are not accidents or coincidences.

I spent many years trying to heal my familial dysfunction wounds by becoming involved with people who represented either my mother or my father, and trying to "fix" them. If I could fix my XABF, for example, then maybe I could fix my A Mom. If I could fix my ex-husband, then maybe I could fix my Dad. None of these were coincidences, and none of them did anything but make me feel like a failure.

The idea of relationships that I learned growing up was extremely unhealthy, defined by "passion" (i.e., chaos and drama), and completely fueled by Hollywood's BS fantasy of romance -- that the "One" can change your whole life. Only I could change my life.

After many years of therapy and a good chunk of time staying away from relationships, I finally developed a solid sense of self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love. Only then could I attract a partner who was as healthy as I was, but even if I that had never happened for me, I am confident that I would be okay and content on my own today. I learned that real passion isn't a firestorm, it's the slow burn you get when you are with someone for a long time and still find joy in discovering that you will never know every last thing about them, that there is always going to be room to grow together.

When I stopped hoping relationships with others would heal me, I was finally able to focus on my relationship with myself -- and lo and behold, color me Jack's complete lack of surprise -- I discovered that was the ONLY relationship that could heal me.

SwiftHeart

Thank you for the thoughtful response, Dandylion. I really appreciate it.

I am currently seeing a therapist. However, I did not mention this "crush" to her because I was so embarrassed by it. I should though. I am going to really get the most out of therapy, I need to be more forthcoming. It is hard though. I am experiencing a lot of shame, which is surprising to me. I feel like I ought to be stronger, but I'm not.

She has been encouraging me to focus on myself and become more independent. I am doing that. Just got a part time job. Just got admitted to a graduate program at a good university. I'm working out.

I am NOT getting a lot of social interaction. H never liked any of my friend and I eventually gave up the relationships. His friends became my only friends. Now that we're separated, I can't really call up his friends and ask to hang out. So . . . that's an issue.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned in Alanon is low self esteem is at the heart of all addiction, including alcoholism and codependency. This became evident at when I looked at my part in the disastrous relationship: hey, I picked him and stayed long after I knew it was doomed. You clearly see the connection. If you want to change, I suggest Alanon, which saved my sanity and helped me change.

Tentindependent

Wow. You haven't been hanging about. Well done!

I suspect that the social interaction issue will sort itself out before too long once you start work and university.

SwiftHeart

Thanks! It's nice to hear. When I start to get down on myself, I have to remind myself of all the positive things I'm doing right now. I am trying exceptionally hard to turn this around

Astolfo

Good for you for working on yourself, in therapy and in education, and for noticing patterns.

I agree with previous posters that the pattern usually comes from family; but I think it's cultural as well...

How many films/books/TV shows can you think of that celebrate the bad boy redeemed, the geek transformed, the playboy tamed, by a "good" woman's "true" love?
How many fictional heroes can you think of who aren't silent/brooding/cynical/haunted by a dark past, who are "saved" by the heroine's devotion?

Romance (and I don't just mean Harlequin novels) is filled with codies. It's much harder to find stories about healthy, well-adjusted people communicating in real ways.

Hawks

^^^^^

Yeah that's a good point.

Ever since James Dean I guess.

bailey17

I applaud you that you recognize the pattern, that's something that I didn't see myself for a long time. It sounds like this new guy is sorta becoming a distraction for you, you can focus on his good qualities and sorta minimize his heavy drinking and it is making you feel better in light of your H's issues. But the truth is, the problems with your H are not going to go away. My suggestion for you is to focus on what you need to resolve with your H and consider the "feel good feelings" that maybe you are getting from this friend as a possible distraction and a way to feel better in the midst of all this pain.

To answer your question, what causes an attraction to alcoholics? For me, it was self esteem issues, needing to fix someone other than myself, and needing to focus on the flaws of someone other than myself. And to find some kind of validation if I even remotely helped the A see his flawed ways, which usually lasted temporarily. Another member suggested above, alanon. I can't agree more when saying it saved my sanity.