Stung

I'm struggling with letting go of a few somethings that were said to me by an al-anon friend. I think she has a strong program but she wanted to weigh in (aka give me advice) on how I manage my daughter's food allergies (something that she has no personal experience with) and keeps trying to press upon me that I'm handling the stress that can come along with it in an "unhealthy manner."

All that I'm getting from this is that she's not a safe person to talk to about my kid's food allergies (as in if I want empathy on this certain topic then I need to find someone else to talk to). My DD had a reaction this weekend and I almost had to give her the EPI pen again and I was sharing that it broke me down into some serious tears after the fact. My DD is a baby still and has some seriously severe food allergies and it's stressful when a reaction happens because it is split second stuff that I need to react to when it happens. I don't live in fear of things happening, I don't freak out when they do, but holy ****, after the fact, yes, I do notice the adrenaline surging through me and I feel overwhelmed. From everyone I've spoken with, that's pretty much the norm for kids that have issues like mine does.

All that said, I am majorly letting her words effect me (they weren't said out of malice or to be judgey, she just doesn't understand because she's never experienced it. According to my DD's allergist I am doing a fantastic job. I believe that I am doing a great job too!) and I don't know how to practice letting it go. I've heard that if a reaction is "hysterical then it's historical" and while I'm not acting hysterically this has been eating away at me for a few days now. I think I'm just very sensitive to criticism, especially when I want/need empathy.

Anyway, this is a long winded way of asking for ES&H (experience, strength and hope) on how other people let things go.

HealingWillCome

My youngest also has food allergies. There is nothing scarier than a reaction. You're a mother who was protecting her child and you did a great job. God gave you that instinct for a reason. It ticks me off that an Al-Anon friend has made you feel like you've overreacted.

I'm sure she's well-meaning, but seriously, Stung. Your reaction was normal and justified based on what you've described. Sometimes I think we codependents need to cut ourselves some slack. Do you feel like you've overreacted? Or is she guilting you into feeling like you haven't handled it well? To me it sounds like you needed someone to talk you through the aftermath of a traumatic experience, tell you it's okay now, and hey, you did an awesome job of parenting. THAT is the kind of discussion that helps me to then let it go.

Stung

Thanks, HWC.

I don't feel like I overreacted at all. I was patient and calm and rational. Then when everything was fine and it was very clear that nothing major was going to happen, I walked away and cried my little face off for a couple of minutes. Later in the day I took a much needed nap because my nerves were still on high alert. My al-anon friend thinks it's a problem that I don't force RAH to be more active in this kind of stuff (he does not do well in panic inducing situations and my only concern is my DD's health) and because I don't force him to be more active that I'm being hyper vigilant and being overly responsible as a result. I fully disagree and said so.

I'm fully aware that other parents that haven't dealt with this stuff just won't understand because they haven't lived it but I'm usually not on the receiving end of advice that I'm doing things wrong or that I'm managing the stress or responsibility wrong. She was trying to convince me that dealing with ALL stressors is a part of al-anon. The difference here though is that I actually am FULLY responsible for my little daughter (RAH doesn't live with us) and her health and wellness and that neither she nor myself have even the faintest amount of control over her food allergies or the severity of them. I do a great job managing her allergies and making life as normal and healthy as possible for our family (we eat at restaurants [DD normally has food that I have prepared in advance - which works for us for right now], I keep our home an allergy free area and I don't expect anyone else to accommodate her allergies).

While al-anon does help with all parts of my life, taking care of a 19 month old that is extremely allergic to soy (not to mention all of her other food allergies) is a different ballgame, IMO. She is a small child that has care needs beyond that of an average 19 month old. She just does. I'm totally okay with that and I've just adapted. And I really can't do anything to change that fact. My friend basically counseled me to act as if she doesn't have allergies…which is just an ignorant thing to suggest. But I understand because she's never dealt with it. At any rate, it still bugs me that she said that to me to begin with. I guess I'm left wondering if she is right and I'm doubting myself. This is generally an area of my life where I feel like I'm actually doing really well. It stings a little bit (apparently a lot) to have it suggested otherwise.

Mango blast

Let go and let God... let Him handle insensitive people. That's beyond me!

Stung, you ARE doing a fantastic job!!

My sponsor gave me some well-intentioned tips on food allergies/intolerance/celiac. I listened, waited, tried not to JADE much 'cause it wasn't going to help. She's didn't ask what my son & I are doing or how it's working, just told me that it isn't all that serious or hard to deal with. ?#!

You know your daughter's health best. Soy is crazy-hard to avoid!! My prayers are with you and your daughter. Trust yourself. It sounds like you're doing quite well.

How I let go is to admit that I'm frustrated and scared. I let the tears and emotions come, completely give it up and ask for guidance and healing. And then I found some wonderful doctors who I felt led to.

LexieCat

I'd just chalk it up to something she has no experience with and can't possibly understand. It's a little like going to friends who don't understand alcoholism about stress around the alcoholic relationship.

Are there any support groups for families of kids with serious food allergies? I'd be surprised if there isn't--there'a a support group for just about anything these days. Maybe find one of them, and make a few reliable friends you can call on for support around that issue.

Hugs, I can't say I relate, either, but it must be very scary.

redatlanta

Gee I'd like your Al anon friend to write a dissertation on how to "force" people to do anything. I have tried most of my life to "Force" people to do things and have been unsuccessful. If she has figured it out please ask her to share that with the rest of us.

Maybe you are being hyper vigilant. This situation can be life or death I think it's appropriate.

I would not discuss I with her anymore. Everything is not a puzzle pieces that fit into the Al Anon model. IMO this is one. Perhaps stress management would be of value to you. That's the only thing I would recommend with a hug.

Florence

Great advice above. Don't JADE, just nod and say "Okay, thanks for your input," then do whatever your allergist is telling you to do. Other people don't need to understand you for you to do the right thing. You have other sources of support, and yes, this is stressful. I am not a crying person, but I will cry after a big adrenaline rush of any kind. Bodies are weird!

Al-Anon is for alcoholism support, not allergy support, and your Al-Anon friend is there for codependency, so go figure she'd have some unsolicited advice. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hopeful4

Stung, just remember that the people at Alanon are solid and good, but are not trained professionals. Just because they have an opinion does not make it right.

My DD went through something similar when she was young, I was a complete mess. It literally made me a wreck. I did handle it better with time, the thing that helped me was educating myself on what I could do to make it a better situation. To see your children suffer and not be able to help them is a mother's worst pain.

Hugs to you. Don't let anyone get you down. Your best and most important instinct to help and protect your child is on point.

XXX

FireSprite

I think you handled it perfectly. Calm & levelheaded until the crisis is over but you can't control the aftermath of that adrenaline rush - that's just physical, reflexive. IMO, better to let it out in sobs & screams than trying to stuff it back inside. Do you remember that post of dandylion's a while back about the science of tears? They really ARE necessary for a purging of emotions & hormones like this. Perfectly healthy.

She's definitely Codie-ing out on you, crossing to your side of the street & giving dangerous advice. Severe allergies like that scare the crap out of me ever since DD was in pre-K & one of the other kids with a peanut allergy had to be epi'd after touching the hand of another child, who had been using that hand to eat peanut butter Cap'n Crunch cereal for breakfast.

I'd be able to let this go (hopefully) by focusing on the idea that this is HER damage, that she feels the need to offer this kind of advice & is blind to her own ignorance. If she continued to bring it up or comment on it though, I know I'd have to say something to her as well... I know how I am & at some point even ignorance feels malicious when it just keeps happening.

atalose

I get it out of my head by putting it down the computer. I guess it’s like journaling except I don’t keep it. Instead when I feel I am all done writing about my thoughts, feelings and conversations from my head I print it out then fold the paper and lift it up to my hire power and ask that it be release from me. I tear up the paper or burn it in the fire place and it’s gone, done, moving on.

SparkleKitty

I have found that letting things go has gotten exponentially easier with time and practice. Like atalose, I write it out, every last bit of it, and it helps me let it go -- but I always start by asking myself, "Is this really about me? Or is it about them?"

I have other go-to questions depending on the situation. Usually, "Is there something I could have done or said to make a difference here? What's my role in this?"

It's one of those things where I don't want to stuff the emotional response, but rather channel it (through writing), and then work my way through the actual trigger in a more intellectual way (through self-questioning, or talking it over with my therapist).

NYCDoglvr

In early recovery I complained of something similar to a wise sponsor. Her response: you can walk away next time, which is something I learned to do with offhand comments ("late for a meeting"). Or, change the subject (most people don't even know you're doing it).

freetosmile

My Let go and Let God has a lot to do with reminding myself that we don't know what journey other people are on or what they have been through. Something could have happened to them that precipitates giving overly harsh advice or making comments like that.

So it is good for me to remind myself that we are all on our own journey and I will take what is beneficial to ME from the conversation and I will leave the rest. Being reminded of others journeys also helps me walk away with love in my heart. That way, I'm not fostering future resentments with that person.

freetosmile

I would also like to add that YOU are the MOM here. Infants with allergies can be VERY scary and you know as well as I that pretending she DOESN'T have allergies is a dangerous scenario.... Teaching our children from an early age to be aware of their own allergies is imperative to helping them learn how to be independent and aware of what they are consuming, which is something your daughter will have to deal with for the duration of her life (unless she grows out of it)

My point is that you did well! You know what your daughter needs and you know that when you are close to grabbing the epi pen, its BAD. And its scary. It's dangerous. Your wanted validation for these feelings and you deserved to get it. I'm sorry you didn't.

Thumper

Well - it sucks when you engage with someone because you need a friend to listen, validate, sooth, etc. and you get what you got. It causes a lot of inner turmoil in me when that happens. Hurt, anger, doubt. Those words seem way to mild .

I've learned that I just can't talk to people - at least not some people. It is useless because every response they come up with pisses me off and makes me feel worse.

Posting here is a good option. If I sometimes find myself in the middle of a conversation like that I try and leave or change the subject. I remind myself that people are stupid sometimes. I remind myself that some people are in desperate need of therapy. I cry. I agree to disagree and then bite my tongue. I don't need the last word. I say the serenity prayer.

This is not helping you at all. I'm sorry.

You are a very good mama with a very big job. You had a scary day and I wish I could give you the mental hug your friend should have given you. It is hard, this mothering thing. It is harder alone and it is way harder when there are things like life threatening allergies. People don't get it but I wish they'd just shut up and listen. You are allowed a cry and a nap. It would be bizarre to not need those things after such an event. You are doing great.

Do you see how crazy this is coming from an 'al-anon' friend. It is dripping with co-dependency. Not just giving advice when she should have been lending a gentle and supportive ear but the kind of advice she gives is so off.
Consider the source. :ohm:

Stung

Okay, I'm going to reveal more. My friend is actually my sponsor and this isn't the first time that she's said this stuff about DD1's food allergies. My therapist has suggested before that I don't listen to my sponsor when she gives me "advice" about my DDs. I wasn't even telling her about my DD's reaction for empathy but I was trying to share a Step 3 higher power thing with her (one of HoneyPig's Language of Letting Go postings last week was about reminding yourself that a higher power will provide you what you need when you need it - I needed a nap and I miraculously had the time to nap, so thanks higher powers!!! [and thanks HoneyPig for posting those because they totally stick in my mind for some reason]) and instead she harped on me about RAH and parenting equality, me being overly responsible because I don't push for our parenting to be equal (which seems to me like setting myself up for expectations that cannot be met), and how I am not managing the stress well because my nerves were on edge after the fact.

I knew that I did good as a mama bear and then when I did start JADEing with my sponsor (because she wouldn't drop it) she kind of shut me down (then she told me that I should talk to my therapist about this, um, yeah, I already have!). She compared me to some friend of hers that has a grown son with cerebral palsy. I tried to explain that the comparison is night and day. My child is a baby…with food allergies that she'll eventually be able to manage on her own…but she is STILL a baby. She's in diapers for Pete's sake!

I really appreciate the validation and support that I'm getting from everyone here.

Yes, and I'm a member of one but they all appear to have supportive spouses and FOOs…so sometimes I find it hard to relate to them. Plus this feels more like an unsupportive sponsor thing rather than an allergy thing. I did and still do think I did good. I use the support group mostly for recipes (I make tortillas from scratch now and both daughters beg me to make them daily. My kids eat like royalty. Oh to be able to order food from a restaurant and have it delivered! What a luxury!! Tonight is pizza night and I make everything from scratch - pizza is flour plus tomato sauce that I make from vine tomatoes and veggies that I've sautéed. Popcorn will be dessert and I make it with olive oil and corn kernels. But my kids enjoy it and it's fun to watch them enjoy eating good food.) We all commiserate with each other about meals and cooking and they all commiserate about ignorant family members and schools, that's where my eyes glaze over because I don't relate.)

That's how DD1 is with soy. RAH made the girls pancakes last week and then made me a few pancakes using my protein powder (which has soy and dairy, but RAH bought it for me and because I'm very careful I do a good job containing all contaminants to a little glass and then sterilizing after I have a protein shake, it hasn't been a problem for me to use it once daily in the house) then RAH washed the pan and made DD1 another pancake on the pan. I was nervous about him doing this but I was trying to self soothe and let him do things his way PLUS I didn't know if it would be okay or not, after all he did wash the pan (I watched him do it). Then after DD1 ate the pancakes she broke out into hives everywhere and was an itchy rashy mess but thankfully a swift dose of Benadryl was enough to curb the reaction but I was holding her in my arms with the Epi ready to go while I waited to see if the medicine would work its magic. Our allergist has been very adamant in being sure that I understand that DD1's allergies are more severe than most and that in her case I should use the EPI pens liberally. That doesn't make it any less scary. I don't want to jab my little one with a giant needle, granted I sure as heck will if she needs it and I won't hesitate, but it's still scary!

Thumper

Oh dear heavens. So off track from what you were even trying to share! That would definitely trigger me. Partly because of this other person in my own life and partly because I'm sure I used to be exactly like her and I hope hope hope I'm not anymore, lol.

I don't know what to say about the sponsor thing. She wouldn't be a good fit for me and I'll leave it at that!

LexieCat

Well, sponsors are human and have feet of clay like everyone else. Some problems/shortcomings you can cope with, some you can't. I guess you'll have to decide whether her blind spot in this area (which seems to be a pretty big/important part of your life) makes her a good sponsor for you.

I know a bunch of people who have found a new sponsor when life circumstances or their own growth make the previous sponsor no longer a good "fit". Sometimes these people remain close friends with the former sponsor, and even turn to them for help when the new sponsor is unavailable or in an emergency, others don't. Sponsors secure in their own recovery generally wish them the best as they continue their recovery journey with a new sponsor.

Maybe you want to consider working with someone else.

freetosmile

I second that.

Stung

I've been considering this. She recently told me that she finds fault with all alcoholics and I had to scratch my head a little. Alcoholics are still people and the long time recovered alcoholics that I know are some of the kindest, most supportive people I've ever met. It was a very prejudiced thing to say, but I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Remember a post I made a couple of weeks ago that I was projecting my mom stuff on her? I think she's projecting on me too and I wonder if that is what some of this stuff is about. Whenever I bring up my kids she wants to direct me on how to be a "good" parent (she's told me before that she got an A in parenting because her kids went to college, I wanted to smack her when she said that to me). No offense to her, she's not someone I want to take parenting advice from and I try to refrain from talking about my kids with her.

I just want to work through the steps and I made that very clear when I met with her this week. It was like the very first thing out of my mouth.