RedDog735

I see myself making an exceptional amount of growth in a short amount of time I am rekindling friendships that have became a little dry and making new ones. It seems as if I am doing a good job "letting it all go"-in a good way if that makes sense. It's a sigh of relief actually. Doing my best with redirecting my thoughts elsewhere to a less chaotic place in TIME of chaos. However, my down fall tonight caused me to write.

I have two downfalls, so bare with me.

After a long 12 hour day at work, I took a nap from 7ish to 9ish (long nap!) and when I woke up without calls or texts from my Abf, I found myself wondering, worrying, etc....and then my mind went racing, my reactionary instinct set in, and I texted him, called him, asking what he was doing. Well, I seemed to forget it was bowling night (this is actually a good thing) Where in the past I've lost sleep over bowling night, got into pointless arguments while he was drunk, gotten angry, cried, held grudges, wondered how much he drank, worried if he was OK to drive. But I forgot it was bowling night tonight. So when I realized, I couldn't help but to laugh. Bowling night- a place where grown men go as an excuse to get high, get drunk, and perform exceptionally well in the game when that happens.

Another downfall:
On Monday, he had told me that he was thinking about participating in a St. Patty's Day 5k on the boardwalk (dont let that fool you, drinking is involved afterwards..they even give you a free beer at the end.) He asked if I would like to come up to him this weekend and join him (he lives about 2 hours away from me and we typically see each other every weekend.) Knowing the celebration and that drinking will most likely be involved, I told him I was going to have to pass but to enjoy himself. Not satisfied with this answer, he responded with saying that drinking wouldnt be involved if that is what I was worried about and proceeded to say that he would absolutely not drink if I came. I KNOW drinking will be involved, he can't escape it, and I know the outcome ALL TOO WELL. I'm sticking to my boundary and I am not going to participate with him this weekend.

ANYHOW.. (that was just some background), he eventually talked himself out of doing the 5k and I had just assumed he was coming to me (like usual.) However, today, when I asked him about his weekend plans, he told me he decided to do the 5k. Since I planned in my head that he was NOT doing this 5k anymore, I found myself in a funk 1) because he's not coming to me anymore 2) because alcohol will be involved and 3) because I realized that this thinking is a form of control and it is a weakness of mine. But how do you deal with not getting your hopes up? How do you prevent TOO MUCH optimism when you have the potential to fall? What can I do to better myself?

(THANK YOU SO MUCH if you take the time you read this, I need all of the support/feedback/suggestions I can get)

cookiesncream

This isn't going to help you in the least but as examining to the concept of control and boundaries is large in my own recovery from "the other side" I was curious about a few things. Is the desire to control something new in your relationship with your boyfriend or is it something you've always struggled with? If he were attending an event without you that did not involve alcohol would you be as upset? I'm just trying to understand a little more clearly the relationship alcohol plays in the picture regarding cause and effect.

I do think your disappointment is quite understandable and justified. He's choosing something he knows you won't attend over you and that would hurt me too. He also put you on an emotional rollercoaster and that sucks. Brings back nasty memories to an unhealthy relationship (alcohol was not a factor) I was in many moons ago with a guy where he would do the "get close" and as soon as I got close he would run away. It drove me NUTS. The more I chased (and I did) the more he ran. It was a nightmare and its amazing I didn't become an alcoholic THEN. That said I hurt for you. This is tough. The more you can do for yourself, keep yourself busy the better off you'll be. In my case after a nightmarish year and a half dance of all of this dynamic we finally broke up for good. I was the most clingy out of control girlfriend out there and it is sooo hard to stop doing that so i feel for you-been there bought the t-shirt.

RedDog735

I do find it interesting that you ask these questions because I HAVE always had the desire to control something. After seeing a therapist yesterday, I was amazed at her ability to boil all of my control and codependent behaviors towards my family growing up. It was surprising to REALIZE after all of this time that all along my father was considered an alcoholic and I never really thought twice about it. He was a binge drinker, just like my current Abf. And my comfort blanket is my codependent behaviors. But since my dad never sought help, but can handle his alcohol NOW because he went to jail, I never thought twice about this behavior being a problem.

So to answer your question, yes it's probably always been here. If my boyfriend were to be attending an event without me that did not involve alcohol, I would still probably be upset because I would suspect that alcohol would somehow still be involved. Even if it was absolutely NOT involved, I would wonder, worry, etc, depending on the even itself. But this is part of my recovery process: I would have to work on coping mechanisms so I would not worry, wonder, etc. I would have to accept that I could not control what he was doing if I was there or if I wasn't there.

cookiesncream

In your case alcohol is in a way "the other woman." In my situation the ex-boyfriend had a tendency to cheat on his ex-wife. We were dating through his divorce. I was always worried he was cheating on me, substitute cheating with another woman with alcohol and the similarities are quite similar. In the end he did cheat on me. I hear from him about once a year some twenty years later and this pattern has not stopped. He still has a tendency to cheat when he's unhappy rather than dealing with situations. I think it is very important from "both sides" that we look at what dysfunctional patterns we bring to the table. It sounds like you're doing this and that is a very good thing. I could no more control his cheating than you can control the alcohol addiction and that is an extraordinarily hard thing to accept and let go of.

Hawkeye13

Yes, if alcoholism serves any positive purpose at all,
it is perhaps giving us codependents a painful but clear lesson in our own
issues of control.

I'm on both sides of the fence (codependent and alcoholic)
and boy have I learned that my issues are my own in both roles.

Great progress RedDog--it gets better

RedDog735

It's still just very hard when you get your hopes up. I'm such a planner and I need to know what's going on but my downfall is getting upset over not knowing

AliWProk

I just go ahead and make plans for myself and kid, and not worry about whether or not he's going to be there. It became an often-enough circumstance that I stopped waiting for him to decide what he was going to do and decided instead what WE were going to do, with or without him.

SparkleKitty

Learning to manage expectations and clearly communicate what we want (to ourselves as well as others) takes a lot of time and practice. You're doing okay, don't beat yourself up over slips.

torquemax777

Sadly, and you know I struggle very much with this issue as well. But "just going about your own business" as if he almost doesn't exist is very key to the definition of "detachment". You almost have to have the mentality you would have if a casual acquaintance or co worker says, " hey, maybe I'll give you a call this weekend and we will meet up for coffee or lunch. " you just sorta keep it in the back of your mind, but in the meantime you go about your own business. It's a sad state of affaires to have to deal with someone you're intimately involved with, but it is a necessary sacrifice we must make if we choose to stay with them. That's why there's so much "encouragement to leave" here on SR; because if we choose to stay, this will be the outlook for a future with an alcoholic. Unpredictability and inability to commit to future plans; even if the plans are only a few days away.

A few years back my AH planned to go to one of my good friends wedding that was going to be great fun for even AH: weekend camping, down home BBQ cooking. The night before, AH decided to get plastered, lots of drama, and we ended up not going. If that were today, I would have left his drunk a$$ home and went to the wedding alone, even if I didn't camp out the whole weekend I would have at least attended the ceremony and reception.

firebolt

Girl, you are doing great! Managing my expectations has helped me immensely. I have found that I base my expectations of other people upon what I would do. Since no one else is me, why would I expect this of them? How would I feel if everyone in my life had expectations of me based upon what THEY would do? I am my own person, and so are they.

It is hard to take people for who and what they are when we have expectations of them that are often unrealistic. Alcoholics will choose alcohol over us....often. They show us this, often. If we drop the expectation that they will act as WE would, or even that they will act in a way that we SHOULD expect from a healthy relationship, then we can begin to not let their actions rule our moods.

Sending you peace, strength, clarity - ALL THAT!!!

TJD912

What I read here is this: This was about you controlling his drinking and his whereabouts. At the same time that you have the right to expect to see your guy, it's established that this expectation for this relationship is too high. If you plan to stay with him you'll have to change your expectations. (You also named the one of the main functions of a co-dependent: control.) You will always be disappointed in this type of relationship unless you change your thinking. You might consider going about your life and getting together with him when the timing is right for you instead of the other way around.

Hawkeye13

This is true--with alcoholics it's pretty much on their terms and their timing unless you set up other rules for interacting.

That's why it is so hard to have a fulfilling relationship with an addict--the addiction supercedes you in the priority list and always will unless they enter genuine recovery.

Of course, some people are just selfish jerks drunk or sober, but that's another thing

redatlanta

Dealing with an active A 101.

Lower your expectations to zero unless the expectation is that they will drink.

For the class final please recite the above 100 times a day until you believe it.

TJD912

Or...and I have said this a few times b/c I'm so ridiculously excited ...divorce/leave the drunk, nasty, blaming, irresponsible, cheating, high-functioning low-moral poor excuse for a "man."

Sorry. I got side-tracked with my almost (very soon!) XAH.

But...as you'll see...all the A's end up in the same place anyway...some just get there faster than others.