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Old 03-12-2015, 04:38 PM
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New here

Hi there
I am new here, I'm really glad I found this forum.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6. We have a 10 month old daughter.
My husband's drinking has progressively worsened over the last year, i found a bunch of hidden casks and cans of bourbon a couple of months ago and asked him to leave.
He then completed a stint in detox and rehab and returned home a couple of weeks ago.
He was doing so well, then two nights ago before he went to his AA meeting, he drank. When he got home he tried to deny but I could smell it so he admitted it.
I asked him to leave again, he is now gone. I'm not too sure what the future holds but I just want to protect myself and my daughter at this stage.
I'm thinking he might not be ready to get well if he released just weeks after being home. Is this a correct assumption or is this common and is there still hope?
Not feeling too positive.
Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-12-2015, 04:46 PM
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Hi Maybear,
Welcome to SR. You're going find much wonderful wisdom, advice & healing reading the posts here. Great & Strong folks will respond & give you greater thoughts than I could ever give. IMy prayers are with you & your baby. I also pray Ithat your husband will truly embrace his decision to become sober. Just know that you are loved, prayed for & welcomed to this amazing site.
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Old 03-12-2015, 04:49 PM
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Maybear,
Please excuse my typo's above, again friend, welcome & take care of you & your little one. My best wishes, stay strong. Bernadette777
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Old 03-12-2015, 05:07 PM
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Relapses are extremely common especially if a person went to rehab because of fear. Unless he wants to get better more than anything else. He will continue to relapse.
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Old 03-12-2015, 05:20 PM
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Hi, and welcome! Drinking right after rehab is, unfortunately, pretty common, and a lot depends on what his level of commitment to recovery is. Sometimes people who desperately WANT to get well are taken by surprise at how easy it is to pick up a drink. They may redouble their efforts, do the necessary work, and never pick up a drink again. Other people just plain don't WANT to quit--they do rehab and AA to make a show of "trying" for the purpose of appeasing someone else. Those people aren't done, and no telling when they will be.

It's pretty tough to tell from here which it is. You don't have to decide anything this minute. I'd suggest observing how he handles this--whether he brushes it off as, "Hey, relapse is part of recovery" (it's not--it's part of the disease) or whether he is upset about the relapse (not upset that you caught him, but honestly upset about picking up a drink) and calling his sponsor, calling other guys from his program, going to a meeting every day at least for a while, etc.

Soon enough you'll see where his head is at.

Meantime, where's YOUR head at? Have you been to Al-Anon? Often there are meetings with childcare available.
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Old 03-12-2015, 08:44 PM
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Thank you so much for the welcome and lovely comments.
The next morning after the drinking he was crying and asking me to assure him that he would have another chance for him and I. He said that this was just a lapse and he was told in rehab that it happens (almost like he was justifying it). Perhaps he isn't ready and just went along to detox and rehab for my benefit. But he did seem incredibly determined to get well.
I'm not sure what his plans are now for himself because since he left yesterday I haven't heard from him. I am thinking he is probably drinking.
Unfortunately, he is probably staying with his Dad as he has no one else that will take him in, his Dad is an alcoholic.
My headspace is ok I guess, I feel guilty for asking him to leave but at the same time I am glad he is not here drinking. I won't have my daughter around that.
I haven't been to Al Anon yet, but will try and find a child friendly meeting as I will have to take my baby as my family are far away.
Thanks again for the support.
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Old 03-13-2015, 12:09 AM
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If he's serious, it'll show. He'll walk the walk. Sounds like he's wallowing in his Poor Me state and may be drinking to dull the pain. Notice how he asked if there was still a chance for you, but didn't make any statements about how HE was going to help HIMSELF. Good on you for protecting that precious baby girl. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and always swore I wouldn't put my kids through that. It's an ugly, vicious life that innocent children don't deserve.
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Old 03-13-2015, 12:56 AM
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Hi maybear, it must have been terribly disappointing for you to find he's been drinking again, especially as he does seem sincere in his wish to stop, but found it too hard. As an ex-A I know it IS hard until you get to that state of mind when something just clicks, and you're ready.
Your AH may have thought staying sober would be much easier than it turned out to be. Your position is strong; you won't have drinking in the house, so now it seems to be a matter of seeing how determined and capable he is of stopping.
At least he now has a realistic idea of how easy it is to slip up, and the relapse may have taught him how to avoid it again. Time will tell.
If he's at his father's drinking now however, it doesn't look good.
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Old 03-13-2015, 02:49 AM
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You sound strong and determined. I pray he seeks true recovery for the sake of your family. Hopefully this was just a stumble out of the gate!
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Old 03-13-2015, 03:10 AM
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Thank you. I am so disappointed. I got my actual husband (not the drunk version) back for two weeks and then lost him again. It is so painful, I know that I have to draw the line sometime, I guess I just have to wait and see what comes of this. He can't handle any kind of stress in his life and is so frightened of any kind of responsibility. He said that he started drinking because he was stressed about finding a job but he hadn't even started looking! Until he addresses these issues I'm not sure that he will be able to stop drinking.

I don't know if this is common but over the last couple of weeks of him being sober he had substituted the alcohol with soda. Lots of it. Maybe that was a relapse sign of some sort.

Anyway, I have no doubt that he would be having a pity party now and drinking big time again. I worry about his safety but it makes me feel safer to disconnect from him right now. Like I said I haven't heard from him so this is not too hard just at the moment.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Friday nights home alone kind of suck, so much time to dwell.
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Old 03-13-2015, 03:52 AM
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maybear.....I think that this would help you a lot, right now, to read this: Go to the "stickies" at the top of this main page. Click on "Classic Readings"....and select the one titled: "10 ways to tell when and Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap"

I find this one to be one of the best. I printed it out a long time ago and kept it handy.

(it helps to sharpen your bs detector).

I'm not saying that your husband is or not...at this point....but, it sure does help to have some measurement tools....lol!

Please, give it a read....

dandylion
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Old 03-13-2015, 04:33 AM
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Thanks Dandylion. I gave it a read, it helped a lot. I don't think he is really at a stage of real readiness at the moment based on what i read.
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Old 03-13-2015, 04:43 AM
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maybear....you are probably right.....since you are the one who really "knows" him.

Each person is unique as to when they might be really ready to fully commit.
He has been through rehab...so, he "knows" what he should do. He has been to AA...so he knows where the help is. I have heard long recovering alcoholics say that the most important step and the hardest step is step one---accept that they are powerless over alcohol.

The most important thing for YOU, I believe, is to continue to protect yourself.
His struggle will be with himself--within himself. And he has people who will be there for him when he is ready.

I am sooo glad that you see the importance of protecting yourself and your baby.

Make sure that you are getting enough support for yourself---you need it as much as he does.

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