Looking for help
uncertain future
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: alabama
Posts: 5
Looking for help
Hey everyone,
This is going to be long and a lot of information. I apologize. First let me start out by saying I love my husband. He is the other half of me. I have known him for 12 years. We were best friends for 9 of those and have been together for 3, married for 2 in may. I will call him B. He was always a heavy drinker. He is hot headed when drunk so many nights before him and I got together I would get phone calls from him being drunk and telling me how his girl friend at the time "did him wrong". It was never a problem for me to calm him down, and make him see the other side. Well after him and I got together the drinking became a big problem to me. It wasnt that he was drinking more but that I was now dealing with it and not just on the other end of the phone. Almost 3 years ago we got in a huge argument. It was bad, never physical but bad!! It ended with me getting my two kids up at 4:00am and us leaving. His 8 year old daughter got woken up and saw most of the fight. There is a lot more to it than that but that's the short story. We split up and I moved out. After time had past and we had talked A LOT about everything that happened we decided to give it another try. Everything was good for a while then his ex wife (mother of is first daughter) decided to fight him for custody. It's gotten very ugly between the two for them and through this case she has done some really ugly mean hateful things to him and used their daughter to do some of them. Through it all we were still going strong, we got married, had a baby girl, life was good. Until June 22 of last year. We had been arguing for a couple of nights, then that night through both of our actions in got BAD. He woke our then 1 month premature daughter up at 2:00am screaming and slamming doors. I packed her up and was leaving the house. He tried to stop me by slashing my tires on my car with us in it. When I still was trying to leave he shut the garage on the trunk of my car. I called my sister to come get us got our daughter out of the car and waited for them outside. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull. I called the cops and he was arrested. I paid his bail and he got out the next day. He left the house for a while and decided he needed to quit drinking. He had already been to AA, Rehabs, NA ect. in his past so he "knew" what they told you to do. He quit drinking cold turkey. He was having terrible withdraws from alcohol. I made him come back to the house and stay in the guest bed room while he was detoxing so I could monitor him since he wouldn't go to the hospital. He was sober for close to 6 months. He went out of town for work and drank. It was a huge fight because I want nothing to do with him if he is drinking. He came home and didn't drink. 3 more months went by he wenr out of town again and drank again. I again told him I wasn't sticking around him drinking. HE quit again until last- night. He took a new job and had to leave to go to NJ for training. He was doing great we talked about him not drinking a lot, I told him to call me if he felt like he wanted to drink ect. His job surprized them with a short trip to NY City. I asked him if he was worried about drinking he said no that there were 4 other guys that didn't drink so he would be fine. I didn't hear from him for a while so I text him and asked how NY was and how the not drinking went. I asked him if it was hard......This is what he texted back
"I drank in New York
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I love you
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow. I'll climb on a plane Friday I'll arrive to my car eventually. I'll drive home. And when I get home, I won't drink. I won't detox. I won't do anything other than be as happy as possible that I get to see my baby daughter and hold my wife.
I have 100% realized that my life is the best it could possibly be because of you.
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
What am I suppose to feel?
Because what I want to do is pack us up and be gone before he gets home. I am so hurt. I have lost all trust I had work so hard to put back in him. I feel crushed. For the first time ever I want nothing to do with my husband. I son't want to talk about it, I don't want to even be in the same house as him much less in the same bed. I don't know what to do. I was up all night crying. I need another point of view. It's not ok that when he goes out of town he drinks. It's not okay that he knows what it does to me, what it's done to our life and still he does it. I am so lost right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions.
Help!!!
This is going to be long and a lot of information. I apologize. First let me start out by saying I love my husband. He is the other half of me. I have known him for 12 years. We were best friends for 9 of those and have been together for 3, married for 2 in may. I will call him B. He was always a heavy drinker. He is hot headed when drunk so many nights before him and I got together I would get phone calls from him being drunk and telling me how his girl friend at the time "did him wrong". It was never a problem for me to calm him down, and make him see the other side. Well after him and I got together the drinking became a big problem to me. It wasnt that he was drinking more but that I was now dealing with it and not just on the other end of the phone. Almost 3 years ago we got in a huge argument. It was bad, never physical but bad!! It ended with me getting my two kids up at 4:00am and us leaving. His 8 year old daughter got woken up and saw most of the fight. There is a lot more to it than that but that's the short story. We split up and I moved out. After time had past and we had talked A LOT about everything that happened we decided to give it another try. Everything was good for a while then his ex wife (mother of is first daughter) decided to fight him for custody. It's gotten very ugly between the two for them and through this case she has done some really ugly mean hateful things to him and used their daughter to do some of them. Through it all we were still going strong, we got married, had a baby girl, life was good. Until June 22 of last year. We had been arguing for a couple of nights, then that night through both of our actions in got BAD. He woke our then 1 month premature daughter up at 2:00am screaming and slamming doors. I packed her up and was leaving the house. He tried to stop me by slashing my tires on my car with us in it. When I still was trying to leave he shut the garage on the trunk of my car. I called my sister to come get us got our daughter out of the car and waited for them outside. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull. I called the cops and he was arrested. I paid his bail and he got out the next day. He left the house for a while and decided he needed to quit drinking. He had already been to AA, Rehabs, NA ect. in his past so he "knew" what they told you to do. He quit drinking cold turkey. He was having terrible withdraws from alcohol. I made him come back to the house and stay in the guest bed room while he was detoxing so I could monitor him since he wouldn't go to the hospital. He was sober for close to 6 months. He went out of town for work and drank. It was a huge fight because I want nothing to do with him if he is drinking. He came home and didn't drink. 3 more months went by he wenr out of town again and drank again. I again told him I wasn't sticking around him drinking. HE quit again until last- night. He took a new job and had to leave to go to NJ for training. He was doing great we talked about him not drinking a lot, I told him to call me if he felt like he wanted to drink ect. His job surprized them with a short trip to NY City. I asked him if he was worried about drinking he said no that there were 4 other guys that didn't drink so he would be fine. I didn't hear from him for a while so I text him and asked how NY was and how the not drinking went. I asked him if it was hard......This is what he texted back
"I drank in New York
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I love you
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow. I'll climb on a plane Friday I'll arrive to my car eventually. I'll drive home. And when I get home, I won't drink. I won't detox. I won't do anything other than be as happy as possible that I get to see my baby daughter and hold my wife.
I have 100% realized that my life is the best it could possibly be because of you.
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
What am I suppose to feel?
Because what I want to do is pack us up and be gone before he gets home. I am so hurt. I have lost all trust I had work so hard to put back in him. I feel crushed. For the first time ever I want nothing to do with my husband. I son't want to talk about it, I don't want to even be in the same house as him much less in the same bed. I don't know what to do. I was up all night crying. I need another point of view. It's not ok that when he goes out of town he drinks. It's not okay that he knows what it does to me, what it's done to our life and still he does it. I am so lost right now. My head is spinning in so many different directions.
Help!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Oh, my dear girl. I'm so sorry about this. I will just say this
1. Your first priority is your children not him. God forbid there is a next time, but if there is call the cops first! Not you sister, friends etc. alert them of his condition and have them on the speediest of speed dial.
2. If he won't get professional help he can't come back. It not your job, nor are you qualified, nor do you have time with children to "monitor his detox"
3. Nothing, let me be clear NOTHING AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG USER SAYS IS VALID. They are not physically or mentally capable of keeping ANY promise no matter how many tears they shed on bended knee. His admitting to getting drunk in NY is NOT a sign of him getting better its a sign of how bad he is. He bought a six pack and will Finnish it later, not flush it, Finnish it. Because alcohol is more is more important than anything or anyone.
4. It is easier to have him removed than uproot yourself and a tiny baby. Your children need peace safety and someone modeling that they don't have to put up with crap.
5. It will not get better. Don't be fooled by the short periods of normality. This disease is progressive and parasitic. It destroys the host unless destroyed and infects anyone who gets too close.
6. Keep reading and learning especially from this site. Get in touch with local DV people. Get witnesses and support.
(((Hugs)))
1. Your first priority is your children not him. God forbid there is a next time, but if there is call the cops first! Not you sister, friends etc. alert them of his condition and have them on the speediest of speed dial.
2. If he won't get professional help he can't come back. It not your job, nor are you qualified, nor do you have time with children to "monitor his detox"
3. Nothing, let me be clear NOTHING AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG USER SAYS IS VALID. They are not physically or mentally capable of keeping ANY promise no matter how many tears they shed on bended knee. His admitting to getting drunk in NY is NOT a sign of him getting better its a sign of how bad he is. He bought a six pack and will Finnish it later, not flush it, Finnish it. Because alcohol is more is more important than anything or anyone.
4. It is easier to have him removed than uproot yourself and a tiny baby. Your children need peace safety and someone modeling that they don't have to put up with crap.
5. It will not get better. Don't be fooled by the short periods of normality. This disease is progressive and parasitic. It destroys the host unless destroyed and infects anyone who gets too close.
6. Keep reading and learning especially from this site. Get in touch with local DV people. Get witnesses and support.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What am I suppose to feel?
I know that’s not what you want to hear but after reading about the horrific behavior he’s displayed it was the first thing that came to my mind.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi and welcome. Besides leaving, do you have a recovery plan in place for yourself? Like Alanon a therapist, etc.
If you continue down this path he will continue to suck your life dry, if he hasn't already.
The violence you describe is not healthy for you or the children! His drinking is a disease, he will NOT stop until he is ready. Period. But that is HIS problem to deal with.
You must, must, must stay focused on yourself and not his drinking. That is why your head is spinning. Texting him and talking to him about drinking will do no good honey - as you probably know. You are talking to a brick wall.
Monitoring him instead of the hospital; he should be in the hospital where he can get help. You are enabling him at home, driving yourself crazy checking on him. Who is looking after YOU?
Do not take these comments as harsh, please. They are the truth.
I am glad you reached out and posted here. It is a brave first step.
It might be a good idea to have an action plan in place. He sounds violent and you may need to leave quickly, be prepared!
Keep sharing and keep coming back!
Tight hugs to you!!
If you continue down this path he will continue to suck your life dry, if he hasn't already.
The violence you describe is not healthy for you or the children! His drinking is a disease, he will NOT stop until he is ready. Period. But that is HIS problem to deal with.
You must, must, must stay focused on yourself and not his drinking. That is why your head is spinning. Texting him and talking to him about drinking will do no good honey - as you probably know. You are talking to a brick wall.
Monitoring him instead of the hospital; he should be in the hospital where he can get help. You are enabling him at home, driving yourself crazy checking on him. Who is looking after YOU?
Do not take these comments as harsh, please. They are the truth.
I am glad you reached out and posted here. It is a brave first step.
It might be a good idea to have an action plan in place. He sounds violent and you may need to leave quickly, be prepared!
Keep sharing and keep coming back!
Tight hugs to you!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Atalose! You are soooooo right! My xabf painted his ex wife as the devil in a blue dress. She was mean, jealous, crazy etc etc. his family all signed on with this assessment. The truth is he was a dry drunk who relapsed, lied, cheated, made her life hell and was enabled by his family no matter how much he screwed up. I drank that Kool aide too before I got a dose of reality.
uncertain future
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: alabama
Posts: 5
Thank you all very much! although there is a lot of time between the out of town drinking, it's not okay. He is an alcoholic!! he can't just drink one night or two then stop again. Even if he could that is NOT what I said I was okay with to come back. After seeing the rage side of him I will not have our children be around him when there is any alcohol in his system. I will not allow my daughter to see and hear the things my step daughter saw and heard. My kids are my only concern. I have to be okay to take care of them. I know all of these things but how do I leave? How do I make him not come home? What do I say to him? I recieved a text from him about 45 minutes ago saying " how is your day going" REALLY!!!!!! I dont plan on responding. I don't want to talk to him. I am to disapointed, hurt, upset, angry, sad, and discussed to respond to him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think when in the middle of all the chaos surrounding their drinking we get tunnel vision and our only focus is on getting them to stop. We forget all the things we’ve heard regarding our loved ones past behaviors because we weren’t really listening, didn’t want to hear it.
Certainly not to take away from the hurt, pain, frustration and confusion “donehurting” is experiencing right now but all that stood out in her post to me was:
Heavy drinker.
Hot headed.
Waking children up in the middle of the night to flee a potentially dangerous situation.
8 year old saw and heard most of the fight.
Ex wife files for full custody.
ex wife blamed for much of it.
Another fight with him attempting to forcefully trying to grab car seat with child in it from mothers arms.
Protecting the children has to be first and for most followed right up with therapy for the one who can’t let go of a toxic relationship.
Certainly not to take away from the hurt, pain, frustration and confusion “donehurting” is experiencing right now but all that stood out in her post to me was:
Heavy drinker.
Hot headed.
Waking children up in the middle of the night to flee a potentially dangerous situation.
8 year old saw and heard most of the fight.
Ex wife files for full custody.
ex wife blamed for much of it.
Another fight with him attempting to forcefully trying to grab car seat with child in it from mothers arms.
Protecting the children has to be first and for most followed right up with therapy for the one who can’t let go of a toxic relationship.
uncertain future
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: alabama
Posts: 5
Yes I have means to all of that. I can go and stay with a friend his parents sisters ect. but why should 3 kids and I leave our home? I'm not the one that did all of this. They didn't do any of this. He should go but I know I will have to get his parents involved. That is a slippery slope. His dad doesn't put up with this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by donehurting 
Yes I have means to all of that. I can go and stay with a friend his parents sisters ect. but why should 3 kids and I leave our home? I'm not the one that did all of this. They didn't do any of this. He should go but I know I will have to get his parents involved. That is a slippery slope. His dad doesn't put up with this!
No one thinks it's fair. But when your safety and sanity is concerned, fairness can't always be a priority.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Something that I never really understood about the disease is that it continues to grow even when it isn't regularly being fed alcohol. That the ONLY way to slow/stop that process is to be IN recovery, simply remaining sober is NOT enough.
And the scary part is that in between those long binges, his tolerance will change without him realizing it, making him much like a loaded weapon with the safety off whenever he DOES have that next drink.
My RAH relapsed one night about a year & a half ago & was shocked at how he couldn't handle "just a couple of beers" like he'd done so many times before with no problem. He was drunker, faster than ever before & more belligerent than normal.
(((((((hugs))))))) I'm so sorry you are going through all of this!
And the scary part is that in between those long binges, his tolerance will change without him realizing it, making him much like a loaded weapon with the safety off whenever he DOES have that next drink.
My RAH relapsed one night about a year & a half ago & was shocked at how he couldn't handle "just a couple of beers" like he'd done so many times before with no problem. He was drunker, faster than ever before & more belligerent than normal.
(((((((hugs))))))) I'm so sorry you are going through all of this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by donehurting
Yes I have means to all of that. I can go and stay with a friend his parents sisters ect. but why should 3 kids and I leave our home? I'm not the one that did all of this. They didn't do any of this. He should go but I know I will have to get his parents involved. That is a slippery slope. His dad doesn't put up with this!
I was also counting on his family to be supportive of me since they knew he had a drinking problem, but they came down pretty firmly on his side, at least initially. You might want to contact a lawyer to see what legal rights you have as far as getting him out of the house. What if he refuses to leave?
One more thing, you said he was never physically abusive, but that episode with the car seat endangered your baby's life and safety. That was physical abuse.
I used to downplay that type of behavior from my ex (also an angry drunk), somehow I thought that things like pushing and shoving "didn't count" as physical abuse because they didn't leave marks, but that type of behavior will escalate. Abuse is progressive and so is alcoholism.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've worked in the field of domestic violence for many years. He is a violent drunk.
I'd suggest that you call your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate about your options for a protective order that would require HIM to leave the house. The violent incident was a few months ago, but you may still be able to obtain an order--especially since you have a reasonable fear that he will repeat that conduct now that he's continuing to drink. Even if you can't obtain an order, though, the advocate will help with things like safety planning and hook you up with services that will enable you and your children to leave safely.
Please call and talk to someone there.
I'd suggest that you call your local women's shelter and speak with an advocate about your options for a protective order that would require HIM to leave the house. The violent incident was a few months ago, but you may still be able to obtain an order--especially since you have a reasonable fear that he will repeat that conduct now that he's continuing to drink. Even if you can't obtain an order, though, the advocate will help with things like safety planning and hook you up with services that will enable you and your children to leave safely.
Please call and talk to someone there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
I'm going to break down his message into little bits and assess them.
He understands on some level that his drinking is damaging his family, but that didn't stop him from seeking out another drink. He lists off these great reasons as to why he should stay sober, but it isn't enough to convince himself to stop drinking.
"Here's my apology for drinking tonight. Also, here's a pre-emptive apology for tomorrow night, because I'll be drinking then as well even though I know I really shouldn't. But I know you'll forgive me because I said I love you."
"I'm powerless to stop myself from drinking that 6-pack tomorrow, but somehow I'll magically get the power to clean myself up after that 6-pack has been finished and our family will be happy again."
"My life is so much better without alcohol, and I'm more happy sober than I am drunk, that's why I'm going to have some more drinks tomorrow night instead of dumping the beer down the sink. I'm going to try to keep you emotionally chained to me by closing with another I love you, because this time I'm telling you in advance that I'm stepping past the boundary you set and I don't want any consequences for doing it."
Originally Posted by donehurting
"I drank in New York
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I apologize if that upsets you. I didn't do it with the intention of upsetting you . I choose not to drink because our life is better when I don't drink. I choose not to drink because I want to be the best I can be for you, Baylee (our daughter), and the boys.I told you I wouldn't drink tonight, and I apologize for that situation changing. I truly apologize for letting you down.
I love you
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow.
I drank tonight. I bought a 6 pack as well.
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow.
I'll climb on a plane Friday I'll arrive to my car eventually. I'll drive home. And when I get home, I won't drink. I won't detox. I won't do anything other than be as happy as possible that I get to see my baby daughter and hold my wife.
I have 100% realized that my life is the best it could possibly be because of you.
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
The only way to offer you the same, is if I'm sober. Please understand that I love you and that for the first time in my life I am happier not drinking, that I am drinking.
I love you"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'll finish that 6 pack tomorrow
THAT is how SERIOUS he really is about drinking and the damage it/he has caused.
that man came very close to doing severe possibly fatal damage to your small child.
. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull.
IMHO, he no longer gets to call the shots. he has lost the RIGHT to demand anything of you, or to interefere with your life and your precious child's life anymore. he has more issues than JUST drinking. and if he is really serious about quitting and staying quit for life then he is going to need a LONG time to dry out and get some serious help before i'd consider going to lunch with him.
abuse always gets worse.
THAT is how SERIOUS he really is about drinking and the damage it/he has caused.
that man came very close to doing severe possibly fatal damage to your small child.
. He came out and tried to forcefully take the car seat out of my hands. I got dragged by the car seat into the house. While the tug of war was happening I look down and see our 4 1/2 lb babies neck going from side to side with every pull.
IMHO, he no longer gets to call the shots. he has lost the RIGHT to demand anything of you, or to interefere with your life and your precious child's life anymore. he has more issues than JUST drinking. and if he is really serious about quitting and staying quit for life then he is going to need a LONG time to dry out and get some serious help before i'd consider going to lunch with him.
abuse always gets worse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by donehurting
What am I suppose to feel?
Because what I want to do is pack us up and be gone before he gets home. I am so hurt. I have lost all trust I had work so hard to put back in him. I feel crushed. For the first time ever I want nothing to do with my husband. I son't want to talk about it, I don't want to even be in the same house as him much less in the same bed. I don't know what to do. I was up all night crying. I need another point of view. It's not ok that when he goes out of town he drinks. It's not okay that he knows what it does to me, what it's done to our life and still he does it.
You picked the name "done hurting" for a reason. Good! It sounds like you've realized it's time to move yourself and your children out of the path of his destruction.
Why do I get a weird feeling that that text he sent is preparing you for something else? That was very well placed guilt. I'll just bet you're going to see some crazy stuff on those credit card statements when they come in.
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