How do you overcome the fear??
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Fire, fear can freeze us right make us make choices and decisions based on what other people want, not what we want. I really need to deal with my fear, try to figure out where it started and how it has affected me as an adult, abandonment is a bug fear of mine and I know where that fear came from but not sure how to get over it as people who I felt should have been their for me weren't, my mum, my husband, they left repeatedly. This has also affected my friendships because when I feel people are getting fed up with me I distance myself, self protection and I have lost friends because I have distanced myself.
Free, I'm re reading codependency no more, I first read it when he left but didn't really take it in. I think I'm in a good place now to read it again.
Free, I'm re reading codependency no more, I first read it when he left but didn't really take it in. I think I'm in a good place now to read it again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
My T told me yesterday that in codependency we first are subconsciously unaware and consciously unaware, then we move to subconsciously unaware, but consciously aware ( we are on the look out for our own codie behavior), then we become subconsciously aware and consciously unaware...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yep, I totally get it, butterfly. I've been frozen with fear at times in life for sure. I dug a nice little rut while I was there too. It is so hard to get to those roots, to really & truly dig them up once & for all. And anytime I've thought I was done, I realize there was just more stuff I couldn't see, buried under the stuff i was dealing with.
You are doing SO well, you'll figure this out. All of a sudden all these baby steps you are taking will create a mile & it will just click.
You are doing SO well, you'll figure this out. All of a sudden all these baby steps you are taking will create a mile & it will just click.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Mm just read one of my posts, maybe not self protection but self sabotage!! Leave before they leave me!!
Fire, I get the digging big ruts, currently in one at the minute lol
Fire, I get the digging big ruts, currently in one at the minute lol
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
If you think about viewing things through an old pair of glasses, which aren't suited to your situation anymore.
Metaphorically speaking, that's what you are doing.
Still viewing life through old lenses.
And getting a muddled / distorted view
Alanon will give you a new pair of glasses
Takes time though.
Metaphorically speaking, that's what you are doing.
Still viewing life through old lenses.
And getting a muddled / distorted view
Alanon will give you a new pair of glasses
Takes time though.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 25
Butterfly, in my current situation I have no advice to give...
But I just wanted to say how comforting your words have been this week and how grateful I am that you took the time to help me.
The meeting I went to on Tuesday was all about fear. The person leading the meeting had been in alanon for 30 years and she was talking about how she still sometimes feels it. I don't mean that to sound like it won't go away, just that you aren't on your own.
There was a proverb along the lines of "you can't stop the birds from flying around and around your head but you can stop them from nesting in your hair"...
Something I'm clearly trying to put into practice.
But I just wanted to say how comforting your words have been this week and how grateful I am that you took the time to help me.
The meeting I went to on Tuesday was all about fear. The person leading the meeting had been in alanon for 30 years and she was talking about how she still sometimes feels it. I don't mean that to sound like it won't go away, just that you aren't on your own.
There was a proverb along the lines of "you can't stop the birds from flying around and around your head but you can stop them from nesting in your hair"...
Something I'm clearly trying to put into practice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It may not necessarily be fear butterfly.
It could be that you just need more time in your recovery.
I think you may find that in the future "the fears" are replaced with healthy boundaries, something that us co-dependents have to learn to put in place.
Hugs, sorry you're struggling.
It could be that you just need more time in your recovery.
I think you may find that in the future "the fears" are replaced with healthy boundaries, something that us co-dependents have to learn to put in place.
Hugs, sorry you're struggling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Butterfly,
I don't know if this will be helpful or not. Even though our situations were quite similar, they were also different. I was the one that left my ex the last time, and that was only because he threatened to run away from home again.
I had made all those list of what my fears were, did all of the pro's and con's on them, figured it out that what I was living with was actually what I feared most, and realized I was better when he was gone. Thing is though, I still procrastinated, and procrastinated. I didn't want it to be true that the reject, rejected me. Had all the same thoughts that you did, what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? My mind only revolved around those thoughts for so many years, I didn't know what else to think about, so there I stayed. Still thinking the same thoughts, and days turning into weeks, weeks turning into months, months turning into years.
I snapped one New Years Eve. Ex called, said he was not coming home that night. I knew all this too well, knew if I stayed I may or may not see him till March. My friends invited me for NYE, without even thinking, I just got in my car and drove an hour and a half to their home. I had already been living with them on and off for a few months, and I knew that I could stay there as long as I needed to.
That was just some background for you....
What happened next was, my friends only used that house on the weekends. It was their retirement home, but they still had 2 years before retiring, they wouldn't take any money from me. Their house needed a lot of cosmetic work. I painted every wall, every ceiling, took off wallpaper, fixed the walls, cleaned house from top to bottom, then started on the basement. I kept myself busy all the time, and on the weekends when they came home, all I heard was praise. This really helped my self-esteem and self-confidence.
Then their father got ill, and they asked me if I could watch him during the week when they weren't there. I did everything for that man that a caregiver would do, plus. Now I had my friends entire family out there loving me, and adopting me.
Also during that time, I started to research homes that I could afford. For awhile I was just looking what was out there, but then I started to envision a future. You see, I wasn't able to see a future without my ex, but when I looked back on things, I didn't really envision a future with him, except for the same old bs. So there wasn't a future, but now I was able to see one.
My suggestions to you, would be to volunteer. People love to praise volunteers, and after being put down so much, and also beating ourselves up, we need to hear those things.
Second thing, start looking at other properties that are more affordable. Just look at some, online, that start to picture how you would fix that place up so that it would be a statement of who "you" are.
Or if you are going to stay where you are, think of how you want to change it, to how you want it to be. Any of his stuff there, box it up, leave it outside in the morning for morning pick-up with son. Paint a room. Spring is coming, think about the flowers you want to buy this year, and dig up a section to put them in.
I'm only guessing here, but if you are like me, I was just stuck in that place that you are now, I didn't know how to get unstuck. True enough that somedays I had were good, but there were so many times I would wake up and it would be same old, same old....
It is up to us to see things differently, to start seeing a future. I think once you can see a future, you will lose the fears.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I don't know if this will be helpful or not. Even though our situations were quite similar, they were also different. I was the one that left my ex the last time, and that was only because he threatened to run away from home again.
I had made all those list of what my fears were, did all of the pro's and con's on them, figured it out that what I was living with was actually what I feared most, and realized I was better when he was gone. Thing is though, I still procrastinated, and procrastinated. I didn't want it to be true that the reject, rejected me. Had all the same thoughts that you did, what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? My mind only revolved around those thoughts for so many years, I didn't know what else to think about, so there I stayed. Still thinking the same thoughts, and days turning into weeks, weeks turning into months, months turning into years.
I snapped one New Years Eve. Ex called, said he was not coming home that night. I knew all this too well, knew if I stayed I may or may not see him till March. My friends invited me for NYE, without even thinking, I just got in my car and drove an hour and a half to their home. I had already been living with them on and off for a few months, and I knew that I could stay there as long as I needed to.
That was just some background for you....
What happened next was, my friends only used that house on the weekends. It was their retirement home, but they still had 2 years before retiring, they wouldn't take any money from me. Their house needed a lot of cosmetic work. I painted every wall, every ceiling, took off wallpaper, fixed the walls, cleaned house from top to bottom, then started on the basement. I kept myself busy all the time, and on the weekends when they came home, all I heard was praise. This really helped my self-esteem and self-confidence.
Then their father got ill, and they asked me if I could watch him during the week when they weren't there. I did everything for that man that a caregiver would do, plus. Now I had my friends entire family out there loving me, and adopting me.
Also during that time, I started to research homes that I could afford. For awhile I was just looking what was out there, but then I started to envision a future. You see, I wasn't able to see a future without my ex, but when I looked back on things, I didn't really envision a future with him, except for the same old bs. So there wasn't a future, but now I was able to see one.
My suggestions to you, would be to volunteer. People love to praise volunteers, and after being put down so much, and also beating ourselves up, we need to hear those things.
Second thing, start looking at other properties that are more affordable. Just look at some, online, that start to picture how you would fix that place up so that it would be a statement of who "you" are.
Or if you are going to stay where you are, think of how you want to change it, to how you want it to be. Any of his stuff there, box it up, leave it outside in the morning for morning pick-up with son. Paint a room. Spring is coming, think about the flowers you want to buy this year, and dig up a section to put them in.
I'm only guessing here, but if you are like me, I was just stuck in that place that you are now, I didn't know how to get unstuck. True enough that somedays I had were good, but there were so many times I would wake up and it would be same old, same old....
It is up to us to see things differently, to start seeing a future. I think once you can see a future, you will lose the fears.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hey Hawks, I think I'm more looking back at what I did and why I did things. I'm trying to understand myself, my feelings, thoughts and actions rather than focusing on him, But to do that I need to look back. I think, well that what I'm trying to do.
Rosie, thanks and that may be part of it but there is definiately fear mixed in, biggest fear of being alone and unwanted. There have been times since our split where I've thought oh I need to find a partner, I need to be with someone, not that I want to be with anyone else, but I've recognised that my fear of being alone and needing someone to love me so I will feel good about myself, feel worthy and good enough. This has to start with me and I can't keep wanting someone to make me feel this way.
Amy, I would love to volunteer, I use to when I was studying and loved it but I just don't have the time or the energy, my job and kids take up so much of my time but I do make time now for my weekly alanon meeting, I love it!!
I got rid of all his stuff within the first week of him leaving, packed it all up and told him to come and get it. Anything else I found was sent straight round to him, including all the cards, which I always kept, he gave me, all the love notes I even gave him back the eternity ring he bought me that christmas, the lot. I have kept some of the jewellery, charm bracelet, as I bought charms and so did my kids and other people but gave him back the ones he gave me, the I love you, always and forever charms even teddy bears lol. Any other pieces of jewellery he bought me, wedding rings I have packed away, all the photographs have been taken down and packed away in a box. There are other photos in boxes, you know the boxes of years and years of photographs of kids and family lol but I can't face going through them yet but might do that this weekend.
I can't move house, it's not affordable and I have wanted to redecorate since he left but again haven't the energy, time or money and yes a bit of procrastinating lol. I had thought of selling and just renting somewhere but that's not really a good financial decision as I don't want to be paying rent when I retire but I have a plan. I will keep paying my mortgage and then when my kids move out, I want to buy a smaller wee apartment or cottage near the beach, always been a dream of mine to live near the sea, that will either be mortgage free, if I've mine paid off or a price keeping in with my current mortgage and equity, if that makes sense? That way I won't be paying a mortgage for longer or more money into my retirement and the kids still have something I can leave them. I'm not very good at explaining financial things lol.
Another dream I have always had is to go to Australia but ex a never wanted to, so I am also thinking that When the kids move out and are settled I may take a career break for a year, rent out my house and just go. I wouldn't move permanently as I couldn't leave my kids and live that far away, I'd miss them too much.
Anyway these are dreams, my dreams, it feels good to dream of my future, what I. Want to do and not based on what anyone else wants, it's also scary but a nice scary lol
Rosie, thanks and that may be part of it but there is definiately fear mixed in, biggest fear of being alone and unwanted. There have been times since our split where I've thought oh I need to find a partner, I need to be with someone, not that I want to be with anyone else, but I've recognised that my fear of being alone and needing someone to love me so I will feel good about myself, feel worthy and good enough. This has to start with me and I can't keep wanting someone to make me feel this way.
Amy, I would love to volunteer, I use to when I was studying and loved it but I just don't have the time or the energy, my job and kids take up so much of my time but I do make time now for my weekly alanon meeting, I love it!!
I got rid of all his stuff within the first week of him leaving, packed it all up and told him to come and get it. Anything else I found was sent straight round to him, including all the cards, which I always kept, he gave me, all the love notes I even gave him back the eternity ring he bought me that christmas, the lot. I have kept some of the jewellery, charm bracelet, as I bought charms and so did my kids and other people but gave him back the ones he gave me, the I love you, always and forever charms even teddy bears lol. Any other pieces of jewellery he bought me, wedding rings I have packed away, all the photographs have been taken down and packed away in a box. There are other photos in boxes, you know the boxes of years and years of photographs of kids and family lol but I can't face going through them yet but might do that this weekend.
I can't move house, it's not affordable and I have wanted to redecorate since he left but again haven't the energy, time or money and yes a bit of procrastinating lol. I had thought of selling and just renting somewhere but that's not really a good financial decision as I don't want to be paying rent when I retire but I have a plan. I will keep paying my mortgage and then when my kids move out, I want to buy a smaller wee apartment or cottage near the beach, always been a dream of mine to live near the sea, that will either be mortgage free, if I've mine paid off or a price keeping in with my current mortgage and equity, if that makes sense? That way I won't be paying a mortgage for longer or more money into my retirement and the kids still have something I can leave them. I'm not very good at explaining financial things lol.
Another dream I have always had is to go to Australia but ex a never wanted to, so I am also thinking that When the kids move out and are settled I may take a career break for a year, rent out my house and just go. I wouldn't move permanently as I couldn't leave my kids and live that far away, I'd miss them too much.
Anyway these are dreams, my dreams, it feels good to dream of my future, what I. Want to do and not based on what anyone else wants, it's also scary but a nice scary lol
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Dreams are great! So MANY possibilities are out there. Maybe you'll be "lucky" like me, and have a couple of homeowner disasters FORCE you into redecorating mode. I had wanted to redo the way my house looked from the time I moved in (it was still looking early 80s), and when I had my sewer backup and had to have construction guys in there fixing things, I just kinda kept going--had the wallpaper and mirrors (ugh--mirrors EVERYWHERE) pulled off and had the house painted. It started looking more like "me."
Dream on!
Dream on!
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