Wedding bells
 

Hi it's been a long time since I posted. Things have been going well.
Our wedding is just 3 weeks away. At the moment. He has been drinking every night for 4 weeks. We have had a few fights about it. He's not even acknowledging it. I am really scared. I feel confused. We have a very big wedding planned. But this drunk has returned and I feel I don't want to go through with it, but too scared to call it off. I know this will pass. I understand they have lapses.
Background history. We have 6 kids eldest 17 youngest 1 got so sick and rundown after the birth of the last baby I developed health problems. Which ended up in hospital. Viral meningitis lost my sight nearly died. The baby was 6 months old. He stepped up was great. Kept everything together. Looked after me for 10 weeks while I learnt to walk again. I couldn't even feed myself. We have no family help so he carried us all. But I really feel I wouldn't of got so sick in the first place if there was more support and less drinking.
Please be kind in your response
Thank you

Why are you getting married? What's the benefit to you? Are all the kids yours together?

I'm very sorry about your health problems, but in spite of the fact that he took care of you, getting married complicates your whole situation immeasurably.

You wouldn't be the first person to call off a wedding, and it seems to me that the embarrassment, discomfort, and expense involved with that PALE in comparison the the difficulty of divorcing.

Can you talk about what is behind your fear of calling off the wedding?

I was just a bit confused b/c you said "things are going well" - but then you went on to describe what does not sound like a "well" situation :(
I'm so sorry to hear about your health scare and glad to hear you seem to be doing better. I'm with Lexie, what are you getting out of this marriage?
He's been drinking every night for 4 weeks? and the wedding is in 3?

Just cancel it. The financial hit will be much smaller than the lifetime of problems you will have with an alcoholic husband. And I understand you depended on him because of your illness but couldn't you have gotten government support? Do you really want to subject your baby to a lifetime of crazy having an alcoholic dad?

I don't know the right answer for you, but I know that *I* would be more likely to hold off on an official wedding & tying ourselves together legally if I was seeing this kind of behavior.

Him pitching in to help our more while you were sick is awesome, but in my book that's what is SUPPOSED to happen, so it wouldn't earn any bonus points. It certainly wouldn't make me more forgiving toward his drinking.

Lapses DO happen for some, but they aren't a built-in definite part of recovery. There's also no guarantee how long this "lapse" may last, right? I've heard stories that go from a 1-night mistake to years of continued drinking.

Was he IN recovery before he lapsed, or just "not drinking"?

If a friend presented you with this scenerio, what would you suggest?

I believe you already know the answer to your situation, and I can understand how/why you are struggling.

The bottom line, pay now, (lose the deposits) on the wedding or pay more later.

Gosh I am so sorry you got so sick!

Have you guys been together for a long time? You mentioned a 17 year old not sure if its a blended family or biological.

Sending hugs, Understand.

There are times that I really wish I'd listened to my body and anxiety when I was planning my wedding to AXH and called it off.... Please know that even up to the second the pastor/priest/minister/officiant asks you "Do you...?" you are free to say "No, I do not," and walk. Well, even if you've said "yes," you can end the marriage, it just takes more (and different kinds of) work.

Drinking every night for 4 weeks is a bit more than a lapse and there is no guarantee that it will just pass. The only thing that is certain is *now.* He's drinking every day *now.* He's not acknowledging it *now.* IMO, that last doesn't bode well for a future change.

Talking out the issues always helps me figure out what I need (or want) to do. What do you need to help you work through this?

You are not trapped. You still have a choice.

I'm scared of being alone. Im scared of all these kids being both with and/ or without him. Im scared of making a fool of us both. Im scared of hurting the kids. Firesprite he was just 'not drinking' we are a blended family my two are 17 and 24 his two are 14 and 11 our two are 3 and 1 he is my kids Dad. He is the one that is there for them.
I don't want this consent drama of drinking and the dramas it creates. But I do want the company the love. The support. I'm angry with myself for getting in so deep. Im angry with myself for letting myself fall in love with a drinker.
I feel foolish say I love him. But I do.
I don't want to be a long time sufferer at the hands of an alcoholic. I wish I had family to help. I wish I didn't feel like I need to protect the children from their Dad.

Do you actually have the company? The love? The support? I was really afraid of being alone, too. Turns out I was much lonelier WITH my XABF than I ever was without him. Nothing like spending a romantic evening alone with someone who is so completely checked out on booze that they can't even carry on a conversation.

A marriage certificate won't change a person into someone they are not.

I wish you didn't have all those confusing feelings and difficulty, too. But it seems to me that getting married isn't going to help ANY of that, and ultimately it will just keep you trapped--way more than you are now.

It seems to me that the safest course is to cancel the wedding--at least for now. You don't have to leave him if you aren't ready to do that, but why tighten the knot harder than it already is?

I hate this. I know what I would be advising all of you in this same situation. you just have to be so brave�� right now I feel like a little mouse. I can take control of MY life. Your right. Just really scared of letting so many people down.

Double post

Those people you're so afraid of letting down care about you. They wouldn't want you to go ahead with a wedding that would be bad for you, just because they bought a gift or a new dress. Canceling a wedding IS a big deal, but you have very good reasons.

My two cents

I would rather be lonley because I am alone than lonley when I am WITH SOMEONE

I completely understand everything you've written: I didn't want to be a single mom, I didn't want to be alone. I was afraid of DS having him around, afraid of DS not having him around, of having to let DS go to his Dad's without me there to protect him. I felt beyond foolish for falling in love with AXH and for still being in love with him months/years after I'd left him. I felt foolish for hoping he would change, for hoping that rehab would 'fix' everything.

What I had the hardest time letting go of was the IDEA of him and the dream of our family. Who he could have been, who he could be if he didn't drink. Who I could be if I wasn't constantly dealing with the worry and stress and fear.

The only thing I had control over in that scenario, was me. _I_ couldn't be that person, that mother for DS, while actively dealing with AXH's drinking and behavior. The thing is, I stuck around so long hoping that AXH would change, that I nearly lost me. When I realized that I had almost left DS with no one else but AXH, I realized I needed to leave.

Do you not have any family? or is it that your family is far away? or do they have their own drama that you've gotten away from? I don't really mean these as questions that you have to answer here at F&F, but I know it helped me to look at each of my concerns one at a time and try to reconsider them. I felt I had no one besides AXH, but it was just because he'd effectively isolated me from my family. So, for me, it wasn't that I didn't have family, it was just that I was afraid of going to them for a number of reasons. (Embarrassment, AXH would get angry...) And I know your case may be completely different, or maybe it's just a perception. ? IDK

I wanted AXH to be an active part of our family. I wanted his support and input on things regarding our family. I didn't want to be alone. But he didn't participate. And while I wasn't alone, I most certainly didn't have companionship.

Revisiting each of those concerns (and more) and weighing out the options helped me.

Understand...I once knew a girl who cancelled her wedding the week before. Initial reaction from me was why but after speaking with her and listening to her reason it was a wise choice for her.

Those who care about you will certainly understand.

Theuncertainty thanks. It sadens me to hear your story and I'm sorry for what you went through. It is nice to hear your experience. My family are in the uk I'm in Australia. I feel I. CAnt talk to them as they would worry. I would be embarrassed again I don't want them to be let down by me. When I day I wish I had family I really wish I had practical help from them. Someone to help me clean up the consent mess 6 kids make. Someone to take the kids to the park while I sort out the bills. You know. Someone else I can rely on. Really rely on.