Wedding bells
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
nwgrits the money is already an issue. I cover his debts all the time. He gets angry that my business account has money in it. Doesn't seem to understand that my business money is for the business not him. Yes he does drink drive. Something that upsets me terribly. He also drink drives on his motorbike. In the last few months I have payed his speeding fine his phone bill his loan. His side of all the wedding stuff as well as my own. And like the true addict that he is. It's because my job isn't as good as yours I don't have the time to study, the children are too demanding, I can't it's your fault etc etc. how frustrating it is when someone doesn't pull their weight then moans at how hard they have it! 
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Understand 
nwgrits the money is already an issue. I cover his debts all the time. He gets angry that my business account has money in it. Doesn't seem to understand that my business money is for the business not him. Yes he does drink drive. Something that upsets me terribly. He also drink drives on his motorbike. In the last few months I have payed his speeding fine his phone bill his loan. His side of all the wedding stuff as well as my own. And like the true addict that he is. It's because my job isn't as good as yours I don't have the time to study, the children are too demanding, I can't it's your fault etc etc. how frustrating it is when someone doesn't pull their weight then moans at how hard they have it!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Originally Posted by Understand
nwgrits the money is already an issue. I cover his debts all the time. He gets angry that my business account has money in it. Doesn't seem to understand that my business money is for the business not him. Yes he does drink drive. Something that upsets me terribly. He also drink drives on his motorbike. In the last few months I have payed his speeding fine his phone bill his loan. His side of all the wedding stuff as well as my own. And like the true addict that he is. It's because my job isn't as good as yours I don't have the time to study, the children are too demanding, I can't it's your fault etc etc. how frustrating it is when someone doesn't pull their weight then moans at how hard they have it!
And that is all going to change for the better once you are legally committed to each other?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how frustrating it is when someone doesn't pull their weight then moans at how hard they have it!
the quit enabling him! quit paying for his stuff. quit cleaning up his messes.
why are you really getting married anyways? it sounds like you have paid for everything, arranged everything, are miserable, but want to go thru with it so you get to wear a pretty dress......sorry that sounds blunt, but i don't hear anywhere how this is going to be a GOOD thing, how anyone will BENEFIT, how life will be BETTER for anyone involved, EXCEPT the guy who has somebody to pay for everything including his booze...........
the quit enabling him! quit paying for his stuff. quit cleaning up his messes.
why are you really getting married anyways? it sounds like you have paid for everything, arranged everything, are miserable, but want to go thru with it so you get to wear a pretty dress......sorry that sounds blunt, but i don't hear anywhere how this is going to be a GOOD thing, how anyone will BENEFIT, how life will be BETTER for anyone involved, EXCEPT the guy who has somebody to pay for everything including his booze...........
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by Understand
nwgrits the money is already an issue. I cover his debts all the time. He gets angry that my business account has money in it. Doesn't seem to understand that my business money is for the business not him. Yes he does drink drive. Something that upsets me terribly. He also drink drives on his motorbike. In the last few months I have payed his speeding fine his phone bill his loan. His side of all the wedding stuff as well as my own. And like the true addict that he is. It's because my job isn't as good as yours I don't have the time to study, the children are too demanding, I can't it's your fault etc etc. how frustrating it is when someone doesn't pull their weight then moans at how hard they have it!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
As the weight of just letting down so many people from my side and his side that are travelling from interstate and over seas.
Sometimes, the biggest lies we tell are to ourselves. And going down the aisle is something you know to be a lie. If that's what your choice is, then that's what your choice is, but you make that choice knowing it's the wrong one for you.
<--- You can stop this, right here, right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
He's still drinking, he's never been financially reliable, and you will
allow someone who is in active addiction legal rights over your kids?
I grew up with an alcoholic parent.
It pretty much scarred me for life--my role model(s) were drunks
in dyfunctional relationships, and my home was not a safe place
for me physically or emotionally.
I am now a recovered alcoholic and have serious problems with emotional connection with other people.
I chose to drink, but I began drinking largely to suppress the pain inside me from my childhood experiences--the worst of which were directly attributable to alcohol abuse by my mother.
Our place here is to offer you support whatever your choice, and I certainly do offer that.
But do consider that the children will almost certainly be paying a very high price in the long-term and there is no "protecting them" from an angry drunken parent.
allow someone who is in active addiction legal rights over your kids?
I grew up with an alcoholic parent.
It pretty much scarred me for life--my role model(s) were drunks
in dyfunctional relationships, and my home was not a safe place
for me physically or emotionally.
I am now a recovered alcoholic and have serious problems with emotional connection with other people.
I chose to drink, but I began drinking largely to suppress the pain inside me from my childhood experiences--the worst of which were directly attributable to alcohol abuse by my mother.
Our place here is to offer you support whatever your choice, and I certainly do offer that.
But do consider that the children will almost certainly be paying a very high price in the long-term and there is no "protecting them" from an angry drunken parent.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
@Understand, I want to apologize for my overly "advising" tone. After 2 decades married to an alcoholic, it is difficult sometimes, when seeing someone preparing to hurl herself or himself and kids off of the (metaphorical) cliff, to take that step back. Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
You think you hate it now just wait until you're married to him, WOW! You do realize you have a large part in driving him to be who he his with the financial stuff, right? He sounds like a gigantic albatross hanging around your neck that will grow 10x in size after you're married. Why are you signing up for that? It sounds like you're pulling all the weight now... So why do you want this situation to not only continue but know it will be getting much worse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
Hey, guys. I've been too scared to post, but here I am. We did it we got married. It was a great day full of love and everything you could of wanted. But you guys are right. I knew that then, I know it now. Here we are 6 weeks into our married life and I have finally got the strength to up and leave. I picked up keys to my new house today! He's interstate for a week. I've told him I'm going and he's to stay at the old house. This way the kids need not know anything just yet. Dads away we have moved dad will join us later. This is a massive step and I feel great. I'm still hoping he gets help joins a group and gets counciling. I know deep down there will be more to come but for now my house is calm I'm feeling proud! And I have some confidence in myself and my abilities. It's a small step but a massive step at the same time. Thanks for helping me see the patterns and keeping me in check with reality. X
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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((((Big ol hug)))
You've mentioned a few times about being embarrassed or being made a fool of so you've not reached out to others as you might otherwise. We are only as sick as our secrets. No one who truly cares about you and your children could be upset by you canceling a personal ritual. I once heard pastor TD Jakes say that when he does a wedding and says "I now pronounce you husband and wife" he has to laugh. He said there should be a gap of about 5 years before you get pronounced husband and wife. Right now you're just two people going through a ceremony. A marriage is built over years.
Given the hard time you've already put in, I can't see it getting any better with a marriage license.
You've mentioned a few times about being embarrassed or being made a fool of so you've not reached out to others as you might otherwise. We are only as sick as our secrets. No one who truly cares about you and your children could be upset by you canceling a personal ritual. I once heard pastor TD Jakes say that when he does a wedding and says "I now pronounce you husband and wife" he has to laugh. He said there should be a gap of about 5 years before you get pronounced husband and wife. Right now you're just two people going through a ceremony. A marriage is built over years.
Given the hard time you've already put in, I can't see it getting any better with a marriage license.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
Yes we signed. We did the legal. We don't really have much though. We don't own a house I stopped putting money in the joint account years ago. So as far as finance goes there shouldn't be much of a struggle. We are rich in children! That is where the battle will be. I hope he keeps his distance and stays away for these few weeks. So the children are none the wiser. Unfortunately he knows where thus house is, so my confidence on that is a little thin. He has respected me so far and not contacted me. It's only day two though.
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