Hopeworks

OK. Here's a possible solution. Go through with the dress and party and say whatever words you wish to eachother. Do NOT enter into a 3 party contract with the state placing you under their laws to exit the corporate/business/civil contract with an active alcoholic. No one will be the wiser ( you can tear up the license or not sign it etc...) It's the paper contract that counts in the legal world. How do I know this? I had it all planned with my chronic relapser... I can even send a framable fancy covenant to sign and hang on the wall.

My relapser never stayed sober long enough to get to ceremony time and the tags are still on my "wedding dress" ... Smartest thing I ever did was NOT get married.

If he stays sober long enough you can "renew" your vows and contract later

zoso77

Have you considered how scary it would be if you didn't call it off and he continued to behave this way?

Which is worse?

Hopeworks

Oh... Another story. 1st husband did quit his cocaine habit for a significant period and I was 7 months pregnant. Some of his friends brought coke and they were chopping it up in the parking lot and he got trashed on our wedding night... Hope your wedding doesn't become a drunken nightmare....

I know your pain but protect yourself....that was 1981 and I wish I had known I could have torn up that signed marriage license because I would have!

You can't argue with a woman with an experience! My picker may have been broken but burned once was enough with marriage to an addict. I just dated until I got my picker fixed

maia1234

You are reaching out for support because you "know" what you are getting into. Listen to that little voice. Its not about the money, or the kids or anything else. You know already what it is like living in "hxll" with an addict. You need to come clean with yourself before you commit to life with an alcoholic.

You would be surprised how supportive your friends would be if you back out. Hugs my friend, you can do anything you need to do for you and your kids. They don't deserve to grow up in a home like that and you deserve a sober husband!!

DMC

My sister called off her wedding a month before... and he is a nice, normal guy!

(The ended up eloping a few months later, and have now been happily married for 5 years, but that's beside the point.) Because it's YOUR wedding, and YOUR life. We supported her the whole time. So you lose some deposits. You do not want to lose yourself.

AnvilheadII

everyone has super busy lives, enough of their OWN stuff going on that hearing about the cancellation of somebody ELSE'S wedding really won't impact their lives that much. you won't be letting anyone down, their lives are not planned around YOUR life.

he's showing you who he is. he's showing you what your life with him will be like. alcoholism never gets BETTER, only worse. he does not demonstrate husband material....partner material.....merging finances with a drunk never goes well.......

Astolfo

Understand,
Four years ago, when I realized my husband was an alcoholic, I was living in Canada and my family was living in the UK. Although I had been worried about my husband's drinking for years, I had never mentioned it to them - I was too embarrassed, too afraid, too much in denial myself, and because they are both elderly, I didn't want to worry them, etc.

But once I admitted it to myself - once I let myself really feel how desperate his drinking was making me, how physically ill with worry and disappointment I had become - there came a point when I couldn't hide or pretend or "just keep hoping things would turn out OK" anymore.

I will never forget that first "real" honest phone call to my parents. I felt like I had to tell them - I couldn't bear another minute of keeping things in, especially not from people who loved me. But I dreaded the idea that I would disappoint them, that they would be critical of me and of him, that they would tell me I had to stay when my instinct (that I was finally listening to) was screaming at me to run like hell. I was afraid they wouldn't understand or that I would be hurting them irrevocably.

What actually happened was LOVE. Love deepened and renewed in all its messiness. I told them everything, without trying to make things sound better than they were. And they listened. I cried, and they cried with me; they said they would support me any way they could, and that whatever I decided to do was OK by them.

Although it wasn't possible for me to travel to them or for them to travel to me at that time, we started keeping in touch more by phone and email through the months that followed. And of course, they did worry about me - but it was OK. I worry about them too, but I like to know what is _really_ happening to them, even when it's bad or troubling.

And now, because of that first call and the openness that has followed, I am closer to my parents than I ever was before I trusted them with what was really happening for me. I am so grateful I made that phone call. And the love and support they were able to give, even from so far away, made a huge difference during a very difficult time.

Hugs to you. One of the most valuable things I have learned, on these boards and in Al Anon, is that most people, when honestly and frankly asked for help, will amaze you with their generosity and understanding. Reaching out is always hard, but in my experience, more often than not it is worth it.

fairlyuncertain

oh boy.

I wish I could say with utter confidence that if I was in your shoes, I'd cancel the wedding, blast off into my new fabulous future, and never look back.

It is SO hard for me to lay down limits. I have to wait until things get REALLY bad before I inconvenience people, cancel contracts, break up with someone.

Loyalty has its place, but in my case, it's not loyalty. It's fear. For some reason, I have a mortal fear of being thought of as 'not nice.' Ugh. Somehow, I internalized the idea that, unless there's a firebomb, an explosion, a car chase and a hurricane/sharknado all in one, I have to stick it out.

I don't know where I got that from. But I feel for you. Even knowing everything I know, it would still pain me to cancel an event. But doing the right thing, and not waiting for the disaster, brings a lot of peace. I agonize over it, then I do the right thing--and the result is peace, confidence in my decision, and a sense of progress.

And every time I wait, and ignore my intuition, things don't work out well. Best of luck to you. I hope you can connect with your rebel spirit and sense of fun, and ditch the shame and worry!!

Sisterbobby

postpone the wedding...do yourself a favor...postpone the wedding...

53500

Hi, I canceled my wedding 6 weeks before it was to take place. My fiance was an addict/alcoholic who had about a year of sobriety, during which we planned the wedding. But he stopped working his program. I could see it coming. I told myself - not him - that if he got high again, if he had one more drink, I'd leave him. We'd been together four years. Sometimes it was great. More often it was using, violence, constant drama, lies, and one broken promise after another.

He told me (not knowing I'd made this decision) on the phone that he'd had a "few beers". I was not with him at the time.

I dumped him the next day. Returned the ring, canceled the venue, returned my gifts and dress. Yeah it was embarrassing and a shock to everyone, including me.

That was in 1976.

It was by far the VERY BEST DECISION I ever made or will make in my life.

NWGRITS

We are as sick as our secrets. Not telling anyone is keeping you sick. You wouldn't be the first person in the world to call off a wedding. You also wouldn't be the first person to marry someone knowing it's not going to work. And let me say from experience, divorce is expensive. Faking a marriage is hard work and it makes you a miserable person. Getting married is only going to magnify the problems, not make them go away. Call off the wedding. You KNOW this is a bad idea. You KNOW it isn't going to work. Call it off.

Refiner

I would "postpone" the wedding due to current health issues.

dandylion

Understand....Lady Diana (of the Royal Family) was in a similar position as you. She discovered, a few days before the wedding that Charles was in love with another woman and was still communicating with her (discovered a bracelet he had just planned to give her). She was distraught, and talked to her friend....but, she felt the pressure....the thing that got to her the most was that the towels has all been monogramed with their initials...and, of course, the whole world was waiting!!!! She knew in her heart that it was a mistake. Of course, we know that she went through with the wedding.

In the end..Charles is now with that same other woman and Lady Diana, sadly, is gone..

Understand...you will not be the first to cancel a wedding...it is done everyday!
I have known people who did it. I have also know those who SHOULD have done it.
The ones who SHOULD HAVE were the saddest stories!! The ones who cancelled, were o.k.....even if they were a bit embarrassed or inconvenienced a few people, at the time.

(wink) (wink)....you have gotten some good ideas and thought from other people here.
You can avoid the legal nightmares that are sure to come...by, secretly, not signing the legal papers. You can also cancel by citing "unforseen health problems", like another poster suggested.

Hon, you will not get what you want by a wedding....which is more help with the children and someone to shoulder more of your burden of work. It will, for sure, get 10 fold, worse. You will be legally and financially shackled to a problem that is worse than it is now.
There is a way out of this. Do not marry him.
You can still go through the ceremony to satisfy other people (if you insist).
Just don't make it legal....(you won't be the first one to pull that one, either...lol!)

Understand...none of us want to be a buzzkill...I hate to be doing this---but, we all want to save you from the disaster that you are walking into (and you know it).

You can do this. We will have your back.

dandylion

NWGRITS

Oh, dandylion brought up a good point. When his drinking starts to suck up money like a Hoover, you're going to be on the hook for his debts. If he drinks and drives and kills someone, in many places you can be sued and held accountable under your insurance policy. You truly are going to be tied to him in every way. Are you prepared to handle it when the proverbial poo hits the fan? Because it's going to unless he makes the choice to get and stay sober.

Understand

Thanks everyone. I have considered not doing 'the legal' bit. Talked to Af about it. That hurt him understandably but he knew why. The last couple of days have been hard. Meeting with the photographer and wedding stuff everyday. When I just don't have the enthusiasm. Even after all the fights and letting him know how I ferl. He is STILL drinking.
I think the best thing to do at this point Is pretend to the guests of which there are over 100! That we just did it. But just not do the but that legaly binds us. I feel much happier about that. As the weight of just letting down so many people from my side and his side that are travelling from interstate and over seas. I know they shouldn't be a part in my decision of marriage. I also know after recent deaths and family problems a wedding is always such a breath of fresh air to cheer up the masses.
Thank you for your help and support. It really helps to get sound advise from people who just know and have the same experience.

LemonGirl

woah... sounds terribly bound in turmoil my dear. Good luck with your choice!

SparkleKitty

Inconveniencing people is a temporary thing that can be apologized for and let go of. Don't confuse that with "letting them down".

If someone loves you, first and foremost they want you to be happy and healthy and safe. That goes for your your AF as well, by the way.

If someone holds a cancelled plane ticket against you, if they would rather see you bind yourself to an alcoholic than be inconvenienced themselves, then they are not people you need in your life.

AnvilheadII

As the weight of just letting down so many people from my side and his side that are travelling from interstate and over seas. I know they shouldn't be a part in my decision of marriage. I also know after recent deaths and family problems a wedding is always such a breath of fresh air to cheer up the masses.

that's a pretty lousy set of reasons to go thru with a WEDDING....it's not a Broadway Musical where the show must go on. to go thru all the effort AND EXPENSE to have a farce of a wedding, just because you worry what OTHERS will think, cleaving yourself to a daily full time drinker in front of family and friends to make it all LOOK GOOD, says so much about the UNION of the two parties involved..........

this isn't a joke, this isn't something you should enter into jsut because you think it makes OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY....what about YOU? what about your children? what is all this teaching THEM?

hopeful4

If you marry him be prepared for a lifetime of this. It never changes. Then when you have children it gets a million times worse. Do not procreate with this man.

I am sorry. XXX


[QUOTE=Understand;5254822] Even after all the fights and letting him know how I ferl. He is STILL drinking.
QUOTE]

Sungrl

Could you really put on a happy face and throw a pretend wedding?

Me personally, never. I do think it is kind of misleading to the guests as well.

You don't want to get married don't.

I see nothing wrong with calling it off, and it's nobody's darn business why.
Parents and siblings sure, the general guest list,no